Get Excited To See “Martha Marcy May Marlene” Like It Has Teen Vampires In It

October 18, 2011

We have entered the second half of October, which means we’re slowly moving towards November, which also means there are already Christmas decorations up in your local malls and department stores.

Let that sink in and depress you.

It has become customary that I will preview and shit on or hype up movies from my own biased opinion for the upcoming month. In doing this month’s (October – for you winos who have forgotten what month it is already) previews, I apparently forgot to mention a movie that I’m very excited to see.



I’m not sure how I missed this movie the first time through because it is one of the few films I’m sincerely looking forward to this year. I know I’ve talked about this particular movie on some other post way back when. I guess the rest of the shittastic films of October put me into a coma and I blacked out momentarily from their putridness that I missed that Martha Marcy May Marlene is opening in New York and Los Angeles this month. I do believe it is opening with a wider release later in the year, but either way – keep your eyes open for this one. It’s about the only one you really need to keep your eyes open for.

I probably missed previewing this just because it is only coming out in NY/LA and I apparently am catering to people who live anywhere but those places. I mean if you could only imagine some of the strange and weird places these comments come in from like South Africa and Australia and Livingston, New Jersey! I mean hold onto your hats there folks. Anyway, I try to stay away from the “limited” releases or the just “NY/LA” releases, which also means I’m really reviewing the main crap and not some of the artsier stuff that could actually be good… but honestly those aren’t the movies you’re going to be seeing. You’re lining up to see Paranormal Activity 3 even though you’ve seen the other 2 and it’s not like the shit is getting any better or different or anything. So… I skipped this one by accident because even though it is only coming out in NY/LA this month – I WANT YOU KEEPING THOSE PEEPERS OPEN TO SEE THIS ONE!

You really only need to know two things about this movie:

1. Everyone is blowing it. EVERYONE! From the Queen of England to my third grade teacher Mrs. Gallagher are all blowing this movie. Just one big peen movie and they’re mouthing it with kisses. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like a large cross section because I mentioned one old white lady and then mentioned another old white lady, but the funny thing is is that Mrs. Gallagher I believe is dead. Or at the very least should be. She was like 80 something when she was teacher in 3rd grade and I graduated from 3rd grade a while back like at least 10 years ago. You dig? So she’s old. She also said she’s a witch and rode a broom to school, so she could be still alive due to black magic. Hmmm… she could be alive, but either way living or dead – her and the Queen of England are blowing this movie! In fact, the whole Royal Family as well as non-royal families are blowing this movie. Let’s just say, it seems like it deserves to be blown and it is … so YEAH!

2. JOHN HAWKES, motherfuckers! At some point or another, everyone has or will jump onto the John Hawkes bandwagon. For some, it was Deadwood. For others, it was Me and You and Everyone We Know. For other others, it was Eastbound and Down. And the most recent converts, it was Winter’s Bone. No matter what, we’re all on the bandwagon drinking bathtub wine and copping feels of each others squeezables and we’re all excited to see Hawkes in another gripping movie and this time we hope he gets even more screen time.

I will also add as an 2b. is that Elizabeth Olsen is the main character of the movie. She’s the younger sister of the famous Olsen twins. She is very pretty and although I haven’t seen her act I’m liking everything I’m seeing in the trailer and everyone says she does a great job, so I’m eagerly anticipating registering for my Elizabeth Olsen fanclub card once I see the movie.

Seriously… look at the damn trailer and tell me you don’t want to see this!

Can you say – THRILLING?!

It looks so creepy and suspenseful. Oh and then there’s that part with John Hawkes and the gun and they’re going to kill the kitty, but then she’s going to kill that dude in the overalls named Max!

And there’s all the different perceptions of what really happened!

And then John Hawkes is playing a guitar and for some reason when he does that it is so emotional and dramatic and mildly terrifying!

Don’t run into those woods, Elizabeth! Don’t swim in that river either!

Oooooooooooh it’s going to be good!

So… yeah.

This is going to sound catty, but you gals love it – Elizabeth Olsen reminds me of Maggie Gyllenhaal, but like undeniably pretty. Like in all lights and from all angles. Maggie can look good, but then there are other times where I’m like “is this the same chick that rustled my feathers in Secretary?” I don’t even have feathers! Plus, the guy from calls Maggie the sad cartoon frog and I get exactly what he means. But Elizabeth doesn’t seem to have those problems. Also, she doesn’t have the problem of looking like an alien in some angles and light like her older twin sisters do. Generally speaking, Ashley and Mary-Kate are good looking young ladies, but there are times where they have an ethereal extraterrestrial vibe. And that’s never something you’re trying to achieve on any given Wednesday.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, Sally.

Did you get a new haircut, Bob?

Yes, I did. Very perceptive, Sally. I went to the unisexual barber near the Lord & Taylor in town. What do you think?

Well, Bob, if I had to sum up my feelings about your haircut in one word… it would be… extraterrestrial.

Thank you for your honesty, Sally. I’m going to go put a gun in my mouth in the breakroom.

– end scene –

See what happened there! Bob’s suicidal and Sally’s a bitch. That’s what looking like an extraterrestrial gets you and that’s what going to the unisexual barber gets you as well. Fucking, Sally. She couldn’t have just lied to Bob? We all know how gentle of a soul Bob is. Doesn’t anyone remember last year’s Christmas party? Bob cried into his cup of egg nog for a half hour because Kathy’s pet parakeet named Egg Nog died in March of that year and Bob thought this would just tear Kathy apart hearing that name said. Meanwhile, Kathy was too busy dry humping Carl on the Xerox machine in the supplies room all liquored up on gin. This also led to Carl’s divorce when his wife, Helen, found the color copies of Kathy’s boobs and butt in Carl’s pant’s pocket the next morning. Plus, Kathy couldn’t have given two shits about her parakeet Egg Nog. She was feeding the damn thing Cheerios! It was only a matter of time before it kicked the bucket. Birds don’t eat Cheerios!

Anyway, Kathy’s a slut and Bob’s an idiot and Sally’s a bitch and Carl’s moved back in with his parents and Helen is now a lesbian.

Back to the point I was trying to make…

Hot, right? Just like yeah. That’s her boob and her bra and I haven’t even seen her act in a movie yet, so I’m crazy psyched.

Also, who is with me on this Maggie Gyllenhaal thing? It’s like Maggie if she walked around photoshopped.

And I love this scenario that GQ has thrown together here.

It’s like Elizabeth is a classy young lady I picked up from a bar after work. She’s not so classy in the fact that it appears we had sex within a few hours of meeting each other after drinking alcoholic beverages. Either way, this is the next morning and she’s drinking some coffee I made and she’s like I’m comfortable not having a shirt on and just wearing my bra because we had each others genitals in and around each others genitals, so you can see my bra. At the same time, it’s like what day is today? Is it a weekend or is it a weekday and do I have work meetings I need to go to or does she because I think we can have some post-coffee morning sex unless I do something weird like eat a bowl of cookie crisps in front of her and she’s like “Did I sleep with one of those adult children guys I see on TV? Who are as an old as an adult, but really just want to play with plastic swords and watch cartoons?” And we both know that’s the truth, but we have to pretend like we’re not that way by having toast or Honey Bunches of Oats.

Or maybe this is more porn and I’m like the TV cable repair man and I come to the door and this is how she greets me and I’m like I can give you free Showtime if you make it worth my while and then she does my while with her worth and then only later does she find out that the TV cable repair man has no control over you getting Showtime or not because it is all controlled by a computer at the headquarters and that TV cable repair men aren’t even employed by that cable company – they’re just contractors.

So there’s that.



3 Responses to “Get Excited To See “Martha Marcy May Marlene” Like It Has Teen Vampires In It”

  1. cledbo said

    I always knew Kathy was a slut.

    I wish my morning-after-sex hair looked like Elizabeth Olsen’s. She clearly snuck into the bathroom at 5am to make herself look delightfully dishevelled. This is more my style. I am horrifically depressed by the fact that this isn’t even an exaggeration. At least the sex makes it worth it.

  2. Nix said

    *waves from deepest darkest South Africa* ;D

    I really want to see this movie! Guess I’ll have to wait for the dvd.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: