KristenStewartWantsIT.com Tackles The World Issues You Care About!

October 20, 2011

That’s fucking right.

www.kristenstewartwantsit.com

No more bullshitting around here.

No more “.wordpress.” fucking everything up. Yes, they’re still hosting the site and all that, but now you get to type that shit straight into the URL and just fucking BLAM you’re at this God forsaken place every damn time you want IT.

Straight from the source and shit. Know what I’m saying?!

Also, I think this makes things easier for you and your lives when you are redirecting your rich benefactors or slutty Eastern Europeans friends to this site. They’re like where can I go to give money and/or my body to repay for this brilliance. And you’re usually like “oh, http://kristenstewartwantsit.word-” and by that point they’re asleep or they’ve ran away in horror. Now, you can tell that co-worker of yours who looks like Julianne Hough that really enjoys those jokes I wrote that you “copy+paste” into intracompany messages that there is now a destination for her to go to that does not involve typing a seemingly unnecessary “wordpress” that scared her off before – she’s a delicate flower after all. Same goes for the richies who walk around with $100 bills hanging out of their zippers – before they must’ve assumed I don’t do this for the money and I’m one of the dirty hipsters with dreads finger painting “down with corporate greed” signs at Occupy Wall Street. But now they can clearly see I LOVES THE MONIES, so let them give  me their money now and forever and always.

Rob – Do you ever get so excited with anticipation for the future that you get the chills?

Kristen – Yeah, I want IT.

Rob – Hold me Kristen Stewart with the heat of your want.

Kristen – We’re also in freezing cold water.

Rob – Yes, but the website! ANTICIPATION!

So…

WORLD ISSUES!!!!!!!

Let’s get into this shit!

Moammar Gadhafi is dead.

Apparently.

That’s what Libya is telling us.

I trust this news for several reasons. First, he was on the verge of being killed like everyday since this “stuff” (WAR! BLOODY WAR!) started. He was like a millisecond from being killed a bunch of times, so it’s not a crazy idea that he got got at this point. Also, his side has been steadily losing their foothold in Libya since the beginning as well. It looked bad at the beginning, but then the good ole’ US of A intervened and we helped turn the tide. I’m definitely not saying we won that situation because the Libyan people who were risking their lives in the streets under heavy mercenary sniper fire are certainly the heroes of this situation, but OBAMA did give the go ahead in the beginning to help with some fly overs and some bombings to start the cracks that those Libyan rebels pushed until complete destruction. I supported OBAMA in his decision to help Libya. It really didn’t seem like it was a ton of effort that OBAMA was going to put into this and the result would be helping the eventual reshaping of the entire North African coast along with Egypt and so forth. Out with the old, in with the new…

Anyway… there’s a pretty gruesome photo being passed around of Gadhafi that’s supposed to be him dead…

I just want you to prepare yourself because I’m going to post it…

It’s a picture that will shake you to your very core…

Are you prepared?

….

..

.

Ok…

I don’t think you’re ready. Let’s do a countdown… ok?

Ok…

3

2

..

1

.

You’re ready, right?

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

OH GOD! SWEET MERCIFUL GOD! THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL! MY CORE IS SHAKEN! AND STIRRED!

So, this is Christina Hendricks and her boobs, which I think every can agree are heavenly bodies by themselves. Christina Hendricks is a heavenly body and then her boobs are two heavenly bodies also. It’s like if Jupiter and Saturn and Cassiopea all formed one existence, which was this redheaded actress everyone wants to have sex with.

Anyway, I would much rather stare at Christina Hendricks’ boobs than a stupid picture of Gadhafi. Plus death doesn’t always look like the movies. It looks like Gadhafi got into a swimming pool of ice cold Kool-Aid with his clothes on and now people are toweling him off. You won’t learn any mysteries about life with that picture, but you just might learn something about yourself the more you stare into the line separating Hendricks’ Jupiter from Saturn. What you might find is yourself motorboating your computer screen. Stuff like that happens.

I almost did it right now actually. Oh God they’re powerful.

I won’t lie to you, Christina Hendricks has the ability to be the greatest assassin ever. EVER! First thing first, Christina needs to develop or have developed for her a poison that is non-lethal to her, but lethal to everyone else. Like, she needs to get an immunity to an ether like product that will render people unconscious or kill them if they inhale it, but she’s still cool. After we develop that, Christina just has to wear outfits like this and go to where the target is whether it is the Prime Minister of a warring nation or the CEO of some multi-national evil company or whatever and then tell them she wants them to stick their face between her breasts.

No one is refusing that offer.

Before they do that, Christina will take that poison we talked about and dabbed it all over her titties. Then when the person gladly eagerly excitedly smashes their face right into Christina Hendricks’ cleavage… they will welcome her smothering embrace into the beautiful mammaries and they will die face first without any struggle. It’s the perfect fucking plan ever.

Use it in real life. Use it in a movie. Whatever. It works. It’s 100% fool proof. Plus who would arrest Christina Hendricks thinking she smothered someone to death with her tiggle bitties? That’s crazy talk.

NEXT!

Jonah Hill split from his girlfriend.

Yep.

Who didn’t see that one coming from a mile away? Just like how you used to see his fat ass coming from a mile away and now you can see his fat head on his average body and skinny jeans legs from a mile away. But yeah it happened.

I kind of think Jonah Hill is probably an asshole just because I think all guys who wear skinny jeans are assholes.  PROVE ME WRONG!

But let’s be honest here, if you’re taking this no name girlfriend’s side it’s because you think she was Mother Theresa for blowing and banging pudgy Jonah Hill for the past 3 years, which is just something screwy in your brain. Or really the truth.

Nevertheless, I’m not on her side. Reason being – 3 years ago? Seriously? SuperBad came out 4 years ago! That’s right. She’s a starfucker in my opinion. He made Accepted with Justin Long 5 years ago! And he looked way worse in Accepted than he did in SuperBad. So sure, she probably deserves a medal of some such or at least some monetary settlement because she’s a cute blonde, but let’s lay these cards on the table that she was fucking a guy who was famous and was on the cover of RollingStone with Seth Rogen and all that stuff. This is all what I read on a quick one pass of a headline – Jonah Hill loses blah blah blah and dumps girlfriend for 3 years – so maybe they knew each other way back when, but if she only started humping him after he was sired in as one of the next big comedic things in Hollyweird then she could have been a starfucker.

Nothing wrong with that.

As for Jonah, well… he was a fat kid from New York City and he got thinner and immediately started wearing douche bag jackets and skinny jeans and then dumps his girlfriend… well I think we’re all rooting for him to continue into this and develop a coke problem and start dating Lindsay Lohan or Demi Lovato and then two of them just disappear forever. Fuck you, Jonah Hill! Your cartoon show looks like shit and you remade Adventures in Babysitting! Have you no shame!

Kristen Stewart got hurt on SWATH.

Yes, the little one – staring daggers through our very existence.

I don’t know how she got hurt or doing what, but my guess… she fell.

I think we all know two things…

1. Kristen Stewart is a woman.

2. Woman fall.

Like… ALL. THE. TIME!

Seriously, I’m not sure I want a woman as President of the United States because there are stairs every where and women have problems negotiating stairs or tricky sidewalks or doorways and we really can’t afford as a country to hire that may Secret Service people or to turn the White House into one large bumper bowling alley because we will get near daily reports of POTUS falling. We can’t have a female President walking with a gimpy leg or mystery bruises. It would just be unseemly. We are the super power of this world, the leaders of this world and mystery bruises all up and down our arms and legs does not help portray that message.

Anyway, I’m betting Kristen Stewart fell off of something… maybe a horse or just down a step or over a rock or something. Plus they have her in either battle armor or those huge dragging wet dresses. It’s a recipe for disaster. We all saw what happened on The Runaways, so it shouldn’t be a shocker to anyone.

But she’s durable. The Want speeds up her healing abilities like Wolverine.

NFL… not yet.

Well, I’m planning on doing a big one or two or so posts about this football season. I’m thinking I’m going to wait until the halfway mark, which is coming up in a couple weeks.

Generally speaking though, I think the best way to figure out a team is to look at their quarterback. Many teams carry themselves like their quarterback does. The QB is kind of a metaphor for the rest of the team. If you have faith in that QB you’ll have faith in that team more or less. Also, if you don’t have faith in the QB then it is probably correct and that team knows they can’t rely on the QB to win the game with him.

As for fantasy football help… well… that’s tough because I don’t know who you have and who is a free agent in your league to help you. But if you do post your fantasy team, I can certainly give my opinion like “GET RID OF HIM!” or “KEEP HIM!” or “SEND ME SUGGESTIVE PICTURES ALONG WITH THIS LIST OF MEN’S NAMES!” or “I NEED MONEY FOR THINGS!” Anyway… I’ll post my team… my beautiful team

MIND GAMES

QB – Drew Brees, Matt Ryan

RB – Matt Forte, Darren Sproles, Beanie Wells

WR – Miles Austin, Nate Washington

TE – Jermichael Finley

DP (defensive player) – Pat Angerer

D/ST – Baltimore Ravens

K – Sebastian Janikowski

This is the team I’m going with this week. There are some bye weeks affecting my usuals like Ahmad Bradshaw is usually in there for Running Back and I have been going with A.J. Green from the Cincinnati Bengals as a Wide Receiver. Mr. Green is a good pick if no one has him. The Bengals are playing pretty well and their rookie QB Andy “Red Rifle” Dalton’s favorite target is A.J. Green, so that helps out. We get to play two QBs in my league and Brees is most definitely the better one. Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan hasn’t done too well this season as a fantasy player, but he’s better than the other jabronies that are free agents nowadays.

Either way… I’ll try my best to help out if I can.

I love you?

kristenstewartwantsit.com

Tell your friends.

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8 Responses to “KristenStewartWantsIT.com Tackles The World Issues You Care About!”

  1. Nix said

    Christ on a bicycle! Those are BOSOMS! I know you’ve posted pics of those boobs before but they still surprise me. Plus I think they’re real. They look real right? Unreal boobies that size wouldn’t look so squishable. I think. Eh, what do I know about fake boobs?

    Moving on… Jordan, for shame. You are sexgeneralising again. I don’t fall. I think I have fallen like twice. In ever. I cause things to fall. As in I have a serious case of dropsy. As in if I’m holding you, chances are I’m gonna drop you. I also knock things over. Actually, things knock themselves over when they see me approach. It’s the only explanation I have for the frequency of these occurrences. Also I have been known to make other people fall. I may or may not, sometimes, put a foot in the direct path of, say my sister. For shits & giggles. Now she IS a faller and as such as loads of practise in falling, so she doesn’t get hurt. I would never intentionally trip for example, an old person. Unless they were a mean old person… Yeah I shoulda tripped my grandmother. But then she was a faller too, so she did all the work for me.

    Anywhoodle, I’ve rambled enough. Down with .wordpress & so on & so forth.

    • PWG said

      I like you. Don’t encourage it, I’ve been known to visit. And make you buy your own beer. I’ve had ALL the airport margaritas, sorry.

      • Nix said

        Visit anytime. My address is: ‘deepest darkest South Africa, just left of the giraffe’ ;D Oh and I’ll make you…… beer bread!

  2. A real, legit domain name? Oh you fancy now! Too fancy? Can I still hang around here with my mystery bruises?

    Your Weaponized Christina Hendrix plan is good, but has a few flaws:
    1. It’s going to kill innocents. Like maybe she’s drinking alone at a bar after a fight with her weird looking husband over how she’s always off on secret missions letting dudes mash their faces into her glorious titties. She starts chatting with the poor sucker on the stool next to her. They get a little sloppy, she gets a little spiteful, and she lets the nice young man motorboat her for fun because fuck that husband of hers and OOPS THERE’S STILL POISON IN THERE! And now he’s dead. And she has that on her pretty, milky white conscience for the rest of her life.
    2. All of these evil people would die happy. The Ghadhafi’s and the Hitlers and the Justin Biebers of the world will spend their last seconds contently nuzzling her girls, until they are no more. Why should they be so lucky when you can’t partake? That doesn’t seem fair.

  3. cledbo said

    I want to call you a sell-out, but I was having the exact problem you described trying to get actual, bona-fide co-morkers of mine to come here. Trying to explain your site is actually very challenging, you know?

    Co-morker: “What’s so funny?”
    Moi: “I’m reading Kristen Stewart Wants It. Jordan’s really funny and he doesn’t just write about Kristen and how she wants it all the time. Like, seriously, you look at any picture of her and she wants it. It’s weird.”
    Co-morker: “…”

    You should be paying me for advertising you- it’s hard work, seriously!

    • KStewBoy said

      Yeah – people just give you blank stares when you try to explain how Kristen Stewart wants it, and that it’s a fun topic to discuss.

  4. NIkki said

    lol She’s always hurting herself tripping over her own feet and dropping stuff. Poor thing. She looks so slight too, better be careful not to break anything.

  5. Can you believe how little Jonah Hill got for 21 Jump Street?

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