Ashley Tisdale does not want IT and I’m STILL hungover

October 24, 2011

This chick…

… doesn’t want IT.

She doesn’t want anything to do with IT. Any of IT. Not a single IT that she wants anything to do with.

Despite what her body may be saying to you, her face has made it abundantly clear-

Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

Nope.

Not at all.

She actually couldn’t want IT any less.

Don’t believe me?

I repeat… Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

This is a void of want. This an absolute zero level of want. This is what Lord Kelvin was talking about. These pictures are the absolute minimal level of want. These pictures are the empirical equivalent of the theoretical idea concerning a point where entropy ceases to exist.

Well done, Ms. Tisdale. Well done indeed.

Who would’ve ever guessed a Disney chick would’ve been able to pull that off?

Are these pictures a cry for help?

A person who does not want IT this much is a person who simply does not want to live. What else is there in life than to want… and to want IT? Seriously, wanting IT is wanting life. And Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

I found these pictures, which there are 44 of, on one of the myriad of celebrity websites I go to to see bonitas chicas like Ashley in bikinis like she’s wearing. Usually, I scan through the pictures for research purposes and today I see these Ashley Tisdale pictures and there is just something amiss. Ashley has a great body and is sexy in all the right places, but once you remove your eyes from staring at her perky 26 year old boobies – you’ll find a troubled expressionless face completely devoid of any fire for life. It’s actually quite depressing. It’s depressing in that way that we find celebrities’ lives more important than let’s say the average life of someone living in Turkey who may or may not have died in a horrific earthquake. But they’re not parading around in bikinis to be fawned over I suppose.

Anyway, these pictures are even more disturbing in the regard that the camera man appears to be like 4 maybe 5 feet from her, so is this paparazzi or is this all set-up? I feel like this is set-up because she’s there by herself. What else is she doing just standing next to a guy snapping pictures of her in a bikini – there are 44 of them!

Most of the series looks like this…

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT and sitting.

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT, but now shifting her weight to make a move to not wanting IT in some other position.

Hachi machi…

Nevertheless, take your eyes off her ass for un momento and look at the lady’s face when you are ogling her.

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT at ALL while in the awkward stage of standing up.

This is also the first appearance of MANY of her best friend this t-shirt/cover-up that’s around her thighs at the moment. Her soft, white, supple, New Jersey thighs that do not want IT in the least bit.

And she’s up! Yeah!

And she couldn’t want IT any fucking less. Lady, what the hell?! What the hell has happened to you in your life that you could possibly look this glum about lounging about with a hot in your 20’s body by a pool all day?

Also, she’s almost got this shirt up. It’s a war of attrition for Ashley getting this shirt on. She wants IT so little that she can barely put a shirt on. It’s a newest and lowest level of want I have ever seen. It is slightly terrifying. It’s like a Xerox machine stuck in that “warming up” mode where the power is on, but you can’t do anything until it’s all “warmed up”. Ashley Tisdale is stuck in a purgatory of not wanting IT.

We’re pretty fucking close with the t-shirt. Pretty fucking close.

I mean Ashley’s got it past her ass and she’s standing completely upright, which was a concern before. She was caught in this still bent at a 45 degree angle thing, but now she’s 90. Ok, she’s got this shirt at her navel right now. Someone needs to develop a new word for navel and/or belly button. I can’t say belly button without feeling like a cartoon character and/or I’m talking to a little kid. Plus when I talk to little kids, I feel like a creep. You can’t talk to kids like they’re adults because they’re not adults. Heck, most adults I talk to are not real adults. Then you have to talk to the kids with a kiddy voice, which is more or less coming up with a Nickelodeon cartoon character voice and it’s just creepcity when a 6’3″-6’4″ guy tried to do that. I have a beard… I should not be doing kids voices… at the very least not in public.

What was my point? Belly button is weird because it sounds childish. Meanwhile, navel is on the top ten list of least sexy words ever. Navel. Just say it out loud. Nay-vell. Ugh. Who doesn’t like looking at a chick’s bare midriff? And to think the middle of that bare midriff we all know and love is this little quirk that has two horrible names. And when you try to talk about that cute “quirk” then you either sound like a pedo who works at the circus or a pedo who is a pharmacist. It’s just not flattering to hear either word spoken.

Anyway…

Holy shit! It’s halfway up and … Ashley couldn’t want IT any less.

Her face’s expression is slightly worse than my own expression when I woke up Sunday morning.

Let’s just say I drank every booze that was booze and available for me to booze in my booze hole. Ya dig?

Friday night, I got fucking drunk. I met up with some friends in New York City and I drank let’s say between 10 – 15 beers and did 2 shots. Let’s just say that happened on Friday night the night before I was going to a wedding with these same gentlemen where there would be a 6 hour open bar. Let’s just say, we got drunk in the city. Other unmentionables might have been taken in through the lungs aided by fire as well. That was Friday. Went to bed at 4 am. The wedding started at 1:30pm and I would be in a tuxedo.

At 1:30 pm, I was at the church hungover and I running on two things: water and a medicated marijuana gummy. I wouldn’t have guessed it before hand, but that’s what was going on. It’s good to have friends who live in California.

At 2pm, I had my first beer. Let’s also remember I haven’t mentioned any food because at this point I haven’t had any.

At 4pm, the open bar starts where I have a peach bellini (I was just as confused as you are right now), I followed that up with at least 4 glasses of champagne, I followed that up with close to 10 beers, more glasses of champagne, and two vodka and club sodas. I did eat at the wedding – two dinner rolls, some cheese, some pasta, a steak filet, a nice cut of short ribs and a piece of red velvet cake. I also danced. Or what could be called what I do with the alcohol sets my limbs free in a very conservative manner.

At 10pm, the after party started. I had more unmentionables. I also had about 10 beers and two Jameson and ginger ales. I got back to my hotel room at some time – one that I stopped keeping track of – and passed out until 10:30am when my alarm woke me up to check out of the hotel.

That was when I making a face similar to what Ashley is making in these pictures. It was around then. It was due in large part because I was more or less waterboarding myself with liquor and I did not throw up, so now my stomach and digestive system had the great privilege of taking all that mess and turn it into more or less sludge that I would spend the next 24 hours trying to remove from my body.

But, I definitely still wanted IT more than Ashley does now because I at the very least really wanted a hug. Like badly. Like a quarterback who leads a game ending drive and just misses the wide receiver for the last play of the game. You did your best out there kid. Now sit on the toilet until it’s tomorrow.

Let’s check back in with Ashley to see what progress she has made…

YES! It’s up her torso and she’s got one arm involved.

You’re doing it, Ashley! No one had faith in you, but here you are and you’re doing it! Prove ’em wrong, Ashley Tisdale! Prove them all wrong! Leave it all on the court, Ashley! There’s no tomorrow, Ashley! Leave it all out there and you’ll have no regrets! No regrets, Ashley! NO REGRETS! Get after it, Ashley! All 60 minutes, baby! You’re fighting for all 60 minutes! Just keep scratching away at it, Ashley! Never give up! Never! Give! Up! All day, Ashley! You got this one, Ashley. Winners never quit, Ashley! Where else would you rather be right now? No where! You’re in the game, Ashley. Prove them wrong, Ashley!

By the way, she still doesn’t want IT.

BOOM!

In your face! In your FUCKING FACE! Ashely fucking did it! Fuck the haters. Fuck the doubters. Fuck the nay-sayers. Fuck the media. Fuck all y’all. She did it. That shirt is completely on and there is nothing you can do about it. Fucking Malibu, baby. That’s right. Fuck yeah, Ashley Tisdale. Woooo!! I’m excited. You’ve made me a believer, Ashley. Just well done. She’s got that whole shirt on like pow. It’s not even a thing anymore because she did it. It’s over. OVER! That shit is on and it’s not even on backwards or inside out or nothing. It’s fucking on, bitches. Completely on. Both shoulders and everything. Fucking get off me. I mean fucking get off her. You know what haters, how about you take a step back because you’re standing on Ashley’s dick*? Right?! FUCK YEAH!

*Ashley Tisdale does not have a “dick” in the actual physical sense. It was a dick in the theoretical sense. Like in a parallel bizarro world universe there are these “haters” and they’re right up in Ashley’s face with their hate and Ashley is such a baller ass alpha male that she has an enormous dick that actually goes the full length of her leg until in touches the floor. So some of those haters are so close plus the ridiculous unfeasible length of her male genitalia, so they’re stepping on her dick and she’s like back off stepping on it.

Fully dressed and on the move, Ashley Tisdale still does not want IT at all.

Where you going to go, Ashley?

Going to go want IT? Or find an IT that you do want? Or are you just going to spread your not wanting IT ways?

Where are you going? Going to a movie? Go ride some roller coasters? Get some food? Appear in another television show?

What’s up?

Where you going, Ashely?

Ahhhh fuck.

C’mon. She collapsed. Putting the t-shirt on was too much. I was worried about that. For a person who wants it this little, putting a t-shirt on is a near catastrophic amount of activity. We pushed her too far. Poor Ashley Tisdale.

And this concludes…

Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

I hope you had a great weekend.

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3 Responses to “Ashley Tisdale does not want IT and I’m STILL hungover”

  1. tiffanized said

    Commenting today has felt like Ashley Tisdale putting on a shirt/adult onesie, I just couldn’t get my shit together. But me and Ashley are fucking the haters together, because here I am. I wish I had a weekend of seventy beers or whatever your final count was to blame for the lethargy, but life is just kicking me in the rhetorical balls today much like rhetorical haters standing on Ashley’s rhetorical dick.

    I played a fashion designer computer game all weekend called Jojo’s Runway or something like that, which is like crack to 9-year-olds, retirees and me. There were breaks for margaritas and sex, then back to the very important task of dressing the cartoon models in cartoon outfits BECAUSE IF I DIDN’T DO IT, WHO WOULD HAVE? I also had two Jack Nicholson dreams, presumably unrelated.

    I thought a Bellini was a pastry. Was it a liquor filled peach pastry? Because that sounds like something worth living for. I may go soak a donut in some Schnapps now.

  2. Anonymous said

    None of this is news.I so could care less if any wants her.I just saw this site online because I was curious.What a waste.Yeah good she dressed.God bless Ashley.I gotta go.Bye.

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