November Movies – Can’t Be Any Worse Than Being Molested By A Hobo – Part 1

October 25, 2011

It’s that time of year again! That magical time of year again! That time of the yeaaaarrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

TUESDAY!

Yeah!

It’s Tuesday and I’m going to write you a post. Why not, right?

It’s happened on other Tuesdays. Actually, most other Tuesdays. At this point, since you started reading this blog, whether it was a year or two years or 7 days ago, I have been posting on most Tuesdays. That’s a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia or just take my word for it. I’m not lying to you about this. Why should I? Anyway, you’re very accusatory this morning for a bunch of people who are receiving free thoughts from me. FREE! Also, pictures. FREE! So, it’s Tuesday and I’m posting and I may or may not be imagining you reading this in a naughty nurse’s costume talking about “would you like to give me an injection?” because that’s more or less my process as a writer.

Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday!

Today, I will preview the first half of November’s movies… the movies that will be released in the theatres!

Yes, the theater! Thee-at-her!

I have 8 movies to preview, which will get you good until the middle of the month. These 8 movies… let’s just we’ve collectively seen worse in one sense and in another sense we haven’t seen anything worse than what will be offered. It’s pretty much split between the truly awful and the truly… should be good.

So let’s get our hands dirty, our faces wet, and our crotches powdered and read some PREVIEWS!

A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS

Fucking why?

Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I loved Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. Loved it. I loved every second of that damn movie. I saw it in the damn theaters. I bought it on damn DVD and when they started showing it on the damn movie channels I watched it every damn time. I loved that damn movie and I still do.

But then came a time when they put together a sequel for the beloved original. The sequel, Escape from Guantanamo Bay, was shit. Let’s not mince words here, it was shit. It wasn’t funny. It was shit. It wasn’t fun either. It was shit. Listen, I’m more or less the target market of these movies and it was shit. For instance, Euro Trip is hysterical. Good movie. Good good movie. But Escape from Gua… whatever is TERRIBLE. It’s just stupid and thrown together and worthless and I hope someone is peeing on a copy of it right now.

I’m not looking forward to this 3rd movie, which is now in 3D(!). I think we’ve all given up on 3D at the moment, which I applaud. I saw almost 10 movies in 3D and I’m fucking over it. I know that. The best 3D movie was Jackass 3D by far. The rest – who cares? I’m who caresing this movie. Don’t see it. Fuck Kal Penn and John Cho. You made one good movie then you made a shitty movie and I’m not seeing your trivial shit movie.

Next!

ANOTHER HAPPY DAY

This sounds good.

I hadn’t heard a peep, A PEEP!, about this movie until I started doing this very post that you’re reading right this moment with your eyes – hello, how are you? is this post up to your standards? your lofty standards. is that nurse’s uniform itchy… maybe you should take it off – I started researching these November peliculas and this one caught my ojo. First, it was the cast: Ellen Barkin, Demi Moore, Kate Bosworth, Thomas Haden Church, George Kennedy, Ellen Burstyn, Ezra Miller. It’s an interesting cast. I’m not sure what to make of it. Some of those people are in great movies and some are barely in movies anymore. Nevertheless, I thought it was noteworthy. Plus, the website I peruse gave this a 9/10 rating when it played at Sundance. This also caught mi ojo. I don’t buy into reviews, but I make note of them. Lastly, the storyline…

Ellen Barkin stars in this darkly comic story of the emotional rollercoaster of a family gathering. On the eve of her estranged son’s (Michael Nardelli) wedding, Lynn (Barkin), a woman who has always worn her emotions on her sleeve, must deal with her long-simmering feud with her ex-husband (Thomas Hayden Church) and his hot-tempered wife (Demi Moore), the disdain of her cold mother (Ellen Burstyn) and distant father (George Kennedy) and the ridicule of her ever-judgmental sisters. And the fact that she brings along her three deeply troubled children (Ezra Miller, Daniel Yelsky, Kate Bosworth) don’t make things any easier for Lynn.

Sounds like it could be good. That’s all the conclusion I can come up with. It sounds like something I’ve seen before, but that I would see again. It’s a limited release (sounds like my ex-wife, am I right?!) movie, so you might not get the release (that’s what she said) and will have to wait until DVD or illegal downloading. Either way, this could be a good movie. Go November!

Next!

TOWER HEIST

Wow… this looks baaaaaaaaaadddddd. Bad. Like real bad. Like Michael Jackson’s Bad. Like Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay bad. Ya dig?

It’s almost criminal that they got this many talented people (not including Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire) and made them waste their time making a shitty movie like this. Jesus this looks bad. Ben Stiller, why? Eddie Murphy, why? Casey Affleck, why? Alan Alda, why? Matthew Broderick, why? Michael Pena, why?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

It looks bad. Why is Ben Stiller doing that accent in this movie? WHY?! No one else is doing a stupid accent! What the hell is up with his accent? What’s the point of him having this phony baloney accent? Did anyone watch Rome? The TV show from HBO? Yeah, it was about Rome, Italy and everyone was British and speaking in English and not once was I like, “Man, I wish one of these guys did a shitty forced Italian accent to make this authentic.” So, Ben Stiller’s character is from New York? Who cares? Just talk like yourself you fucking moron. They hired you! This isn’t some great work of Shakespeare. It’s supposed to be a comedy, so they hired you a comedian to be funny, so just be you. ON TOP OF THAT!!!! In real life Ben Stiller is from New York and he doesn’t talk like that, so talk like you talk you fucking dolt!

As for the rest of the people, they should be ashamed of themselves and I’m smh-ing all of them! All of them! smh!

Hey, Eddie Murphy. I thought you were done with shit movies. Didn’t you get respectable again? smh!

Hey, Casey Affleck. You’re a great actor. One of the best out there. And you saw your brother throw his career away on shit movies like this. You should know better. smh!

Hey, Alan Alda. Well… you get what you can get, I suppose. You’re old and old people barely get any work. Either way, smh!

Hey, Matthew Broderick. I don’t… smh!

Hey, Michael Pena. You are in good comedies. Stay in good comedies. smh!

And for Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, well strike while the fire is hot because let’s be real – between you and Blake Lively, the world will choose Blake Lively. That’s just how it is. You know it. I know it. So get all the work you can. Do it! I’m not smh-ing my head at you. I’m nodding. Take those skinny white bitches work! Take it all!

Seriously, don’t see this movie.

Next!

J. EDGAR

You’re seeing it.

Why are we even pretending here? We’re all going to see it. We’re going to see it because it looks to be about the most respectable Oscar winning looking movie that’s come out in awhile. It’s also got Leo in it. And chicks love Leo. They love him. And he loves them. He loves them condomless and in bunches. That’s what I’m saying and that’s why we’re all seeing it. Plus it’s directed by Clint Eastwood. And it’s got a bunch of other great actors and actresses in it. And you’re going to learn from it. In all honesty, that is a big selling point. People love feeling smart, but people also hate reading the things that make you smart. Like they say reading in general makes you smart and we all know that’s bullshit. You’ve spent enough time interacting with the masses of people reading books about paranormal teen romance with vampires and wolves and shit and you know you’re not dealing with the cream of the crop intelligence wise. You need to read to get smart, but you need to read the right books- not just any book.

So, this is going to be better than a book. You’re going to get a Cliff’s Notes version of J. Edgar Hoover’s life. It might not be all factual, but you’ll read some Yahoo article explaining what is real or not real a week after you see the movie and you’ll be good as gold. Then for the next 6 months you’ll be able to spice up conversations with little tidbits about Hoover or the FBI or whatever. It’ll be good.

Also, Armie Hammer and Leo kiss in the movie – supposedly. And that’s enough for the slash fans to drop $10 on this.

See it.

Next!

11-11-11

Don’t…

See…

This…

Utter…

Piece…

Of…

Shit…

Movie…

Honestly, a lot of people accuse us internet people as “keyboard warriors” and we wouldn’t say this stuff to people to their face in the real life. I call bullshit all over that. I’ll tell everyone of these people these things I write and for these 11-11-11 people I will tell them they wasted money and they made a talentless piece of shit movie and I haven’t even seen it and I would never spend a second of my life watching it because everyone knows it is shit. It’s shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Don’t see this movie.

Next!

IMMORTALS

I’m seeing it.

Most of you will probably see it for all the muscley dudes who will be oiled up and in slow motion grabbing at each other. I mean there is worse things to do with your money than see this movie. I have seen Tarsem Singh’s (director) other movies and they all turn out the same – kind of meh movies overall with great visuals. Acting and storyline is definitely not on his top 5 things that a movie needs. Lavish colors, dreamy visuals, and slow motion and for it to look like a Julie Taymor play through the lens of a gay man’s ojos. Those are at the top of the list. So, it looks like 300 and Clash of the Titans, but with more slow motion, more green screen and more homo-erotic moments. Which in all honesty, who isn’t lining up to see that?

Also, for Superman fans out there… you will get a first look at Henry Cavill playing an ass kicking hero. Superman will be much different, but this will be about the best preview you will get.

Lastly, I have to mention that Stephen Dorff is in the movie. I mention this because Dorff is almost always in terrible movies. Like that’s what he sets out to be in are terrible movies. It’s not necessarily his fault, but if you’re watching a movie with Dorff in it then it’s probably bad. I have a feeling this movie will also be bad in the grand scheme of things, but it could be fun visually and for its ridiculousness.

I’ll see it.

Next!

JACK AND JILL

This is easily the most offensive movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

It’s on the same level to me as a war crime.

Adam Sandler is a truly terrible person.

In this world of Tyler Perry, white people have pretended that we don’t have a Tyler Perry and in reality we are just as bad as black people because we have Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler is the white people’s Tyler Perry. They are both making deplorable movies and making a disgusting amount of money to do so. They are raping the souls of the people of the world and those who are in any way shape and form exposed to these movies. They have committed treason on the human race and I don’t think any amount of apologies can make up for what they have done.

If you’re planning on going to see Jack and Jill, I think you should seek help. Life help. Whether it is at a hospital, an AA meeting, or even just contact me via Facebook or Twitter and we will try to help you and your life because you are not living properly if you want to see this movie. Make sure to speak up though. Anyone can be treated. Anyone. No one is above saving at this point – minus Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler. Make sure to speak up, vocalize your feelings honestly and do it before you actually spend money on seeing this movie.

As far as Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry, to me they are enemies of the human race. They are enemies to the evolution of existence. And they hate you. I hope you know that. They hate all of us.

Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry hate you.

Next!

MELANCHOLIA

And lastly… Lars Von Trier’s movie about something.

I watched the first 40 minutes of this Nazi sympathizer’s movie and not much has happened that you couldn’t have guessed from this poster. Kirsten Dunst is getting married. That’s pretty fucking obvious, right? I don’t need to tag that as a “spoiler” do I? I mean she’s in a wedding dress in the poster, so let’s assume she’s getting married. So far, the first 40 minutes have been Dunst in a wedding dress. That’s about it. I mean we’ve seen Alexander Skarsgard in a tuxedo as the groom. We’ve seen Kiefer in a tux and we’ve seen Charlotte in a dress. We’ve literally seen other people, but the majority of the first 40 minutes are close ups of Kirsten Dunst from a million different angles in this dress. That’s about it.

If you read the description of the movie, it sounds like Deep Impact and/or Armageddon where a piece of space rock is going to hit the Earth and end the world. Well, 40 minutes in and we haven’t touched on that yet. The movie is over 2 hours long, so I do know there is time to get into that, but I just want to throw that out there that it takes a bit before it gets into “the world is going to end” stuff. Also, the first 5 minutes of the movie are completely skippable. It’s a bunch of artsy shots that I can only imagine have literally no place in the movie and he dumped them in the beginning because he’s a big artsy nut who is a Nazi.

I mean we’re talking about artsy artsy artsy nutball Lars Von Trier. The dude who made Dogville. If you haven’t seen Dogville – good. Stay that way. Don’t change that. Don’t go see it. It’s stupid and a waste of your time. What’s Lars’ best movie? Dancer in the Dark? That’s a good movie, but let’s just be honest and say you’re going to have to be into artsy artsy artsy stuff to enjoy Dancer in the Dark. A movie about Bjork having musical hallucinations isn’t really for everyone. Good movie, but anyway.

I’m not sure what to expect from the rest of Melancholia. It could be good, but it could also be a big melodramatic waste of time. So far the first 40 minutes have been. But there is another 90 for his to make up for it.

Whatever… see it. Don’t see it.

So, that gets you through the first half of November… I’ll you up with part 2 later this week.

You’re welcome.

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4 Responses to “November Movies – Can’t Be Any Worse Than Being Molested By A Hobo – Part 1”

  1. tiffanized said

    Somewhere–I can’t remover where–I have a photo of my child spanking J Edgar Hoover’s waxy ass at Madame Tussaud’s in DC. It’s like I’ve already seen the movie.

    I was talking about Dancing in the Dark last night, in that it is only time I’ve ever enjoyed Bjork. I want to get Biophilia but honestly, it’s going to end the way most of my Bjork experiences end, with me wishing I’d bought something that made sense and sounded like music.

    Kal Penn took 5 months off from working at the White House to make A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas. I wonder if Obama will see it? I think of all the embarrassing crap I’ve done that I wouldn’t want my boss to see and my boss isn’t even the President. And nothing I’ve ever done is as embarrassing as the fartfest that will be AVH&KC.

  2. KStewBoy said

    Tiff – just be lucky that your Bjork experience didn’t end up like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3mJTdGE79I

    I mean I knew she was crazy, but I didn’t know she was CRAZY!

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