Miscellaneous Wednesday: SUPER SECRET BOOKMARKS!

October 26, 2011

Helllllllllllloooooooooooooooo…. ooooo… o… ooo there!

Today is Wednesday, you wino.

Now, I already foresee that tomorrow’s post will be the second half of yesterday’s post. But what shall today’s post be? WHAT SHALL IT?!

How about we peruse some of my bookmarked interweb articles?

Yes?

YES!

These lovely South East Asians want IT and so does Kristen Stewart, so be IT.

My bookmarks are usually articles that I see, read and then think I can expound on or make fun of for this very blog then I forget all about them and only remember that I bookmarked them when I bookmark something else. It’s a vicious circle of bookmarking the random.

So let’s begin:

The Secret to Looking 5 Pounds Thinner — Without Dieting (Psst, it’s in Your Closet)

Yeah.

I’m addicted to the internet and I’m addicted to Yahoo.

I must click on Yahoo.com roughly a million times a day. The funny thing is that I’m not expecting great things from Yahoo. I’m just expecting “things”. THINGS! Lots of them too. Yahoo’s top articles can be anything from a game winning half court shot at a high school basketball game by a kid with epilepsy or it could be about curing epilepsy with the blood of an ancient tribe hidden in the darkest jungles of the Uganda or it could be about how Demi Moore looks as skinny in her “daring” dress that one might assume she has a tapeworm parasite from the darkest jungles of the Uganda or it could be a video of a puppy.

It could be anything! It’s actually insane. And that’s what keeps me going back every 15 minutes throughout every fucking day.

I’ve talked about “Shine” before, which is the women’s blog for the greater Yahoo. They’ll get their articles on the front page as well. The titles sound like they’re unisexual, but they are most certainly for women. But they are about topics that guys wouldn’t mind as well. “Secrets to toner looking thighs?” Sure. Who wouldn’t? I’m clicking on that… DAMN IT!… it’s all about soccer moms! “Quick and Easy Ways to Spice Up Your Wardrobe?” Fuck yeah! I’d love a few quick and easy… DAMN IT!… I’m not wearing a million bracelets or a belt around my actual waist cutting a t-shirt in half! Anyway… this is one of those articles.

It’s supposed to be about an ancient Chinese secret (all secrets originate in China) to looking 5 pounds thinner by just wearing the right clothes that could be in my closet right now. Sounds great. Great! Who doesn’t want to look 5 pounds thinner? Why not? I doubt there’s a person on the Earth who wouldn’t try that out for just a day. 5 pounds thinner? Let’s get this roller coaster started! Anyway… spoiler alert… this is for chicks and the clothes are all chicks clothes.

Secret #2 – Pair a black tank top with a colored skirt. Yeah? Well, if I’m wearing a black tank top and a colored skirt – you might be right that people won’t be focused on my weight as much as they are focused on me being a transvestite. That’s awfully astute Shine.

Secret #4 – Try a tall, nude heel – I’m not going to lie to you, Shine, but your opinion of what is in my closet is way off base. Currently, in my closet are 10 or so suits and 20-30 dress shirts that do not get worn. That’s about it. Oh and 40 ties. That’s what is in my closet. I don’t have a “nude heel” section to my closet. But if it will make look 5 pounds thinner then I might have to reconsider. Also, I’m like 6’3″ – 6’4″, so depending on the heel – I could be eye-to-eye with Lebron James, which in all honesty is something I imagine a lot.

Thanks, but no thanks, Shine.

Most Powerful Women

Actually, Shine is still on the clock.

This is an article of the top 10 most powerful women in the world that Fortune Magazine put together, but I did see it on Yahoo through Shine… again! I rue the day that I die and someone goes through all of my internet history. It’s going to be a very very very disturbing day for that person. I’m hoping that the overall randomness of it will dilute the pure debauchery and disturbing nature of some of it. It’s two things – 1. I have a healthy appetite for the weird and 2. it don’t cost nothin’. It’s the internet! It’s only one click away! Anyway… back to Shine and how much I read of it.

So, these are arguably the 10 most powerful women in the world and I was planning on doing an article about them and at the same time making them sound like the greatest sexual temptress’ of all fucking time(!). I mean that’s kind of my deal. That’s my move. Plus that’s how I think. I mean, yeah, that’s great that Irene Rosenfeld is the chairman and CEO of Kraft Foods and she makes all these important decisions and makes all this money and her parents and family should be super proud, but … listen… we’re all animals – even money bags and corner office Irene over there. She wants IT. We all do. So let’s get into IT. Let’s let that freak flag and that ID just fucking fly off its handle and talk about Irene getting dirty.

If Ke$ha has taught us anything, she’s taught us we all want to and should get sleazy. Like look at Andrea Jung over there at #6. Ms. Jung is the chairman and CEO of Avon Products. First and foremost, check out her wikipedia page – the lady is balling in money. BALLIN’. Secondly, she is an exotic Asian flower who was born in Toronto and went to Princeton. Andrea graduated Magna Cum Laude, that’s what she said! This lady is the greatest catch. She’s basically your Lisa Ling sugar momma. It says she’s 53, but she doesn’t look past her 40’s at all. I’m saying that is a combination of her beautiful ancestry and her access to the great skincare products in the world. So… let’s just say she’s going to look at the very least a decade younger than she is – always. That’s a woman that dude’s need to hear about.

….

..

.

Yeah.

I didn’t prepare you at all for that.

That is what we call in the biz as a “severely dislocated knee”. That was from a Bellator (MMA) show in May 2010. That’s Jared Hess (not the director of Napoleon Dynamite) and during the fight he felt something go in his knee, which was his knee. It was the third round of a fight he had won the first two rounds of and he fell back on his leg and that happened. He tried to stand up, but it wasn’t working. He didn’t scream out in pain or even waive the ref over. He tried to get up and couldn’t because his leg wouldn’t support him and the ref noticed that and stopped the fight. Then they take Jared over to the corner and sit him on a stool and that is what happened next. AMAZING!

The dude couldn’t have cared any less about his knee. He just was pissed that he wouldn’t be able to continue to fight and now that would mean he would lose that fight. He was furious about that. That guy is fucking tough.

Hess still fights. He’s had two fights since. He went 1-1 in those fights and the knee seems fine now. But what a great fucking moment for TV.

Speed-flying champion Antoine Montant found dead in French Alps

This is kind of a “no shit” article, but that’s just the cynicism talking.

Antoine Montant was the best at a particular “sport” called “Speed-flying”.

Speed-flying is a mix of skiing, paragliding and sky-diving. Yeah.

The guy was only 30 and it’s easy to be like “well, that sounds like a death sentence kind of sport” and it is. But it’s also something else to have actually done what he did because it is almost unimaginable. It’s truly insane what he was doing. Truly insane. In no way what Montant was doing was safe. He would get on top of these absurdly dangerous and high mountains. He would jump off them with skis and a parachute attached to him. From there he would drift and ski and jump and glide his way down these rock formations, which were in no way ever created for someone to do that.

Everyone’s life is their own and Montant chose to use his short time on this Earth doing the impossible. It’s hyperbolic in a way to say that, but seriously look at what the fuck he was doing!

That’s something that would be in a James Bond movie where there would be hundreds of safety people rigging up 100 feet at a time for a stunt man to go through a zip lines that would be CGIed out later. Meanwhile, this 30 year old nut case is doing it just for the fuck of it. Also, I “”-ed “sport” before because I’m not sure how you grade it or how you compete in it and I’m not sure if just because you’re racing to be the craziest that means it is a sport, but most certainly Montant had to be one of the, if not the, wildest guys on the face of the Earth.

Similarly, to this guy…

The ascent of Alex Honnold

The guy is 26 and he’s climbing the craziest mountains and cliff faces with no gear at all.

It’s insane.

Human beings are the best.

I don’t see any monkeys or dolphins or hippos attempting to free climb these cliff faces.

I don’t see any giraffes or orcas or alligators attempting to “speed-fly” the French Alps neither.

Humans are the best. That’s why we runs this shit.

Also, I love Lara Logan.

Until tomorrow, Lara et al.

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6 Responses to “Miscellaneous Wednesday: SUPER SECRET BOOKMARKS!”

  1. For the last two days, pictures have not loaded on your blog for me while I’m at work. But, of course, everything loaded fine today just in time for that awful gif AGHH I HATE YOU brb vomiting all over everything in sight. That was worse than that time I watched a a girl sex an octopus I LOVE YOU, INTERNET!

    The only non-work related thing I have bookmarked on this computer is this haunted house’s hilarious Flickr stream. My favorite ones are when the dudes hide behind their girlfriends. Or the tween boys clinging to each others’ bottoms.

  2. KStewBoy said

    I was all agreeing with Jordan about how awesome humans are… then I read this, and my opinion goes back to where it started.

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