November Movies – Can’t Be Any Worse Than Being Molested By A Hobo – Part 2

October 27, 2011

And. We’re. Back!

We’re back from the 24 hour break and me and the voices in my head that help write this God forsaken blog are firing on the same 2 or 3 cylinders that are usually producing sparks when we’re writing each and every other day. My eyes are still cloudy from sleep, my head is still foggy from Ambien and recovering from whatever vividly insane dreams I had, currently I have Hulk Hogan’s theme song “I am a Real American” on a loop marching through my head, I have a cup of coffee in me, dogs are about my feet and I’m quietly calculating in my head a depressing number of how many hours a day do I spend with my fingers probing these keys and my eyes glued to this brightly lit screen.

Anyway, I’m back.

That’s what matters.

As mentioned yesterday, I will tackle the second half of November’s movies. I didn’t notice this right away, but when collecting the jpegs for the movie posters – there are a lot of kids’ movies this month. Kids! KIDS! KIDS!!!!! Most of the month is dominated by movies purely constructed for a life form without a fully developed IQ. And I’m not talking about “horror” movies, which are most definitely assembled to enjoyed by single celled life forms all the way to people who have recent credit card purchases from Spencer’s or Hot Topic. So, horror movies at least are open to a lot more people… my problem with these kids’ movies is that kids will undoubtedly watch anything like flashing lights or just play in cardboard box, but we’re spending millions upon MILLIONS of dollars to entertain a bunch of barely humans who only a year earlier they were walking around with bag of their own poop strapped to their waist. A waist with waste. I’m not sure they need $200 million worth of CGI. Ya dig?

Anyway… there are a good deal of kids’ movies. I do understand that adults enjoy them as well. Most of the time, I roll my eyes at that sort of thing. But there are one or two kids movies I like and even more if I’m stoned, which I think says a lot.

Nevertheless… 2nd HALF OF NOVEMBER MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… way too many exclamation point marks.

THE DESCENDANTS

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First, I hate the title.

Originally, this movie was called “Is this him?” or something like that. I liked that title better. The movie is supposed to be that George Clooney isn’t tight with his two daughters and they were close to their mother, but their mother dies unexpectedly, so now Clooney is thrust into their lives trying to figure everything out and being a parent again. I liked the “Is this him?” title because to me it made sense that Clooney would have to ask that since he didn’t know who the “hims” of either of his daughters’ lives were. As for “The Descendants”… unless their last name is “Descendant” (it isn’t) then it’s a stupid title.

As for the movie, it seems a lot like something that Alexander Payne would make and he did make this. It’s about an older male who is kind of out of touch and a reclusive and now has to start interacting with people again and he’s not used to the type of interactions he is about to have as well as the feelings that go along with it. That’s pretty much what “About Schmidt” was and pretty much what “Sideways” was and that’s what this is. Payne usually delivers solid work. I like both of those movies a lot and I absolutely love “Election”. I think this will be an above average film without a doubt. I would be surprised if it is any less than a 7 on anyone’s scale of 1 – 10.

But I don’t think it looks as good as the previously mentioned movies. Has Payne gone to the well too many times? Is it that the movie looks more commercial just because it is bright and colorful and fun looking? I’m not sure, but it does feel a little a light. I’ve read a few early reviews and people have liked it and not loved it. So, I think it is worth a look, but it’s not going to get any Oscar nods like “Up in the Air” did. … … actually this year probably “Real Steel” will get an Oscar nod because this year has been so damn light with good films, so “The Descendants” could win best picture at this point.

Next!

HAPPY FEET TWO

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FINALLY!!!!! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!

I’m joking of course and I wouldn’t watch this or the original if you put a loaded gun in my mouth. You would probably have to trick me into having sex with you (not too difficult), but trick me in the process of us having sex into me throwing caution to the wind and impregnating you and then 9 months after delivering the baby and then while we’re raising this child we would probably have to watch all the kids movies I will actually sit through a hundred million times before we get to this movie and that’s only if the child at that point can say “penguin” – if not! ALL BETS ARE OFF!

If you saw the first and liked it then why the fuck not? Right? If you saw the first and didn’t like it then don’t see it. As simple as that. If you didn’t see the first, but want to see this one – how complicated could it be? Jump right in!

I will not be seeing this. I will be busy doing adult things like drinking Hawaiian beer while playing video games.

Next!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1

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Fuck.

Well, it had to happen. “Twilight” time has come back around as it appears it will continue doing until next year. One more go around on this rascally bunch of teens and vampires and werewolves and zero plot. But this movie will be different. Ahhh yes! This one will be different! As all the hand holding and forehead rubbing finally cums to its zenith when Fake-Kristen Stewart and Fake-Rob Pattinson will have fake sex on screen for what I can only imagine will be a split second or two all to the squeels of girls who have recently had their first period and sadly to the mothers who birthed them and their age bracket.

The only thing I enjoy about these movies is that it truly shows what dirty pervs women are. These books and the subsequent movies are about the squeakiest clean bullshit you could ever read and watch. These people are nearly a-sexual. An episode of CBS’ “Mike & Molly” is downright pornographic in comparison to these “Twilight” books and movies. But two things have happened… 1. women have filled in all the invisible cracks in this story with the filthiest fucking ever – guys fucking girls, guys fucking guys, guys fucking guys while they being fucked by other guys who are fucking guys – it says a lot about the “fairer” sex. And the other thing… 2. it isn’t about old or acceptable aged peen anymore, young peen will do too. As a guy, we’re at least made to feel guilty or people (women) try to make us feel guilty for having all these young chicks parading around as high school girls on TV and then stripping naked in Maxim off the TV. But “Twilight” has shown that women have the same appetite for that as well. I’m not entirely sure, but I think Taylor Lautner was 9 when the second “Twilight” came out and for grown ass women to be frothing at the mouth when this jail bait is stripping off his shirt more than uttering dialogue… it meant we’re all the same.

Men and women – fucking perverted animal messes.

I’m comfortable with that.

Anyway, the more I see of these books/movies, the more I think they could have easily been sandwiched into one book and are far less “saga” than the title will admit. I mean… girl meets guy + girl and guy hang out a bunch (first book), guy leaves girl, guy comes back (second book), they hang out some more (third book), girl and guy marry, they have a kid, kid grows up and marries girl’s best friend who is werewolf (fourth book). I’m not sure any of this warranted any books, but four? I didn’t see the third movie, but it doesn’t seem like to me that it needed to exist at all. It seems like they’re going to get married and have children after the first book, so I guess the second book is the curveball, but it still happens. Either way…

What can I say to make you not go see this movie? It will give you AIDS! All the seats in the theaters at all the movies for some reason have been sprayed down with a fire hose full of AIDS. And it’s highly contagious. You would still go, but dressed in HAZ-MAT suits.

All monies from this movie are given directly to the terrorists. Like REAL terrorists. Terrorists worse than the creators of “Real Steel”.

You would still go.

It looks like shit. It does. What can I say? It doesn’t matter that it does. The first one looked terrible and they all look like the first one. I still have no idea why they have gone through this trouble of hiring other directors when the movies all look exactly alike. I don’t get it.

Go off and see the movie like you will. I am disappointed in all of you. But do try and keep track of how many times Fake-Kristen Stewart puts her hand on Fake-Robert Pattinson’s chest. My guessitmate is a baker’s dozen (13) of times. That’s my guess. From the little I’ve seen, she does it 4 times excluding the movie poster above. So I’m thinking there could be a solid 9 other times.

Next!

A DANGEROUS METHOD

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Let me sum up this movie for you… imagine this all in terrible German accents…

Hello there, Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender).

Hello there, Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen).

I have a question for you, Carl.

Yes, Sigmund.

Do you want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Hmmmm… Yes. Yes I do, Sigmund. I do want to have the sex with Frau Keira Knightley.

I thought so, Carl.

I actually have a question for you, Sigmund.

Really? What a marvelous turn of events? What is your question, Carl?

Do you want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Hmmmm… Yes. Yes I do, Carl. I do want to have the sex with Frau Keira Knightley.

Very interesting, Sigmund. I thought so.

Hello there, Sigmund and Carl. It is I, Otto Gross (Vincet Cassel).

Hello there, Otto.

Hello there, Sigmund.

Hello there, Otto.

Hello there, Carl.

I am glad we are seeing each other because I have a question for the both of you.

This is turning into quite a day of questions. My brain is titillated.

Mine as well, Sigmund.

Well then, my question – do you, Carl, and do you, Sigmund, want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Why we were just discussing this? How delightful?

Yes, Otto. We both answered to each other that we both would like to have the sex with Keira Knightley.

Wunderbar! Can I watch?

– end scene –

I would say this movie is about 90% of what I just said up until Otto showed up. I can only guess that is what Otto wants to do because Vincent Cassel is a creep and he plays creeps in movies, so I feel like Otto will be watching “the sex”. The movie seems to be more or less about Jung and Freud wanted to lay some pipe on Knightley and whether or not them doing that is conflicting with their professionalism as well as the fact that Jung is married.

As much as I do love Jung and Freud the actual thinkers and as much as I like Fassbender and Mortensen and other members of this cast… I’m not seeing this. It looks stupid. It also looks wildly melodramatic. It looks worse than the “Love in the Time of Cholera” movie or just about as bad. Plus I don’t like Fassbender playing this reposed character, this quiet intensity… that’s a disservice to him as an actor. He’s an active actor. Get him an active role. Viggo? Well, he’s a shape shifter, so this could be OK for him, but wouldn’t be my choice.

As for Keira? I feel like I’m over Keira Knightley. She’s had a rough sled of bad movies for one. I haven’t had an actress crush on her since like 2006, maybe even 2005. And it was never that much of a crush either. She was in “Love, Actually” and then that’s pretty much it. Wow, I just looked at her IMDB and it is almost all movies I really dislike. “Love, Actually” is 2004 and the second “Pirates'” movie is 2006, so that was the window. At its peak, that was the window. Maybe she’ll turn it around with this… I doubt it.

Next!

ARTHUR CHRISTMAS

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Why even bother?

I’m not seeing this.

You’re not seeing this.

No one is seeing this.

No one is seeing this just like no one saw “Mars Needs Moms”.

Skip! Skiiiiiiiip!

Next!

HUGO

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Fuck this movie in its heart shaped keyhole.

Martin Scorcese is “saving” 3D by making a kids’ movie? Well done, Marty. I was worried there weren’t enough 3D kids movies. I mean I was worried there for a moment. I was worried because I thought in the moment between “Happy Feet Two” being in 3D and this movie coming out a week or so later that the market for 3D kids’ movies would have undergone an apocalyptic collapse. Thank you, you genius you, Martin. Oh Martin. You’re such a wonderful genius making a movie that looks almost identical to a movie I saw when I was in middle school that was one of those movies purely shot in 3D by no name people just to warrant some movie theaters in New York City to keep a hold of having a 3D IMAX in their facility. I have been reading this wildly masturbatory reviews about how this movie is the greatest homage to the golden age of films. To that I say, go fuck yourselves until you die. That’s what I say to that.

At its best, this is a kids movie. At its worst, this movie is a fucking kids movie. Seriously, this is a kids movie. Get the fuck over yourselves. I honestly can’t wait until these older generations to die off for two reasons:

1. Racism. Not that racism will ever fully go away, but we need to get through some generations of people to get rid of a lot of this bullshit. The farther away we are from a time when black people were treated as second class citizens and the people around who lived during that – the better. Racism is almost nostalgia at this point. At some point, there will be only people who only knew a world with black presidents and gay marriage. That will happen and will happen sooner than later – for the better. Try picturing yourself just living without the internet or TV right now. It’s nearly impossible imagining a world that doesn’t have what you’ve always known. Now, move that forward with racism and homophobia. Yeah, it will be around. There will always be problems, but it will be dramatically less… just as it is now.

2. No love for Marty. At some point, this completely undeserved affection that people have for this director will more or less disappear. What are these great movies? These transcendent movies? “Taxi Driver”? “Mean Streets”? Seriously? Who cares? “Raging Bull”? Do you really watch these movies? The best movies he has made were his documentaries on The Band and the Rolling Stones and honestly not to sound too dickish, but they’re just as good documentaries as other documentaries when a director has full access to that particular band. He doesn’t make the worst movies ever, but he is no where near the top and people treat him as such, but it is getting less and less from what I have seen, which is a good thing.

Next!

THE MUPPETS

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I mean… it’s “The Muppets”.

Honestly, I’m not at all intrigued by this movie. I’ve watched the Muppets and I’ve seen the shows and the movies. Just because Jason Segel is in this I’m not sure how wonderful this will be. I’m not really expecting much.

Who knows? It could be good. People will see it. Probably not as many as people expect. I really haven’t seen this movie being pushed at all. It’s only a month away and I would think this is a movie that Disney is expecting will be a big deal, but I haven’t seen trailers or TV spots or anything anywhere. I mean they’re on the internet, but so is furry sex and the news, so I generally watch that. But… on the TV?! I feel like people will say they liked it just because it was the Muppets and they loved the Muppets. Will have to see?

Next!

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN

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And finally… “My Week with Marilyn”.

*shrugs*

Are you ladies really excited for this? I mean really? I hope so. That’s what they’re hoping for. You’re just dying to see Michelle Williams dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. That’s the movie. It’s more or less a 2 hour movie they made out of a magazine photoshoot. How many actresses have dressed up as Marilyn Monroe? Roughly a million. How many actresses have played Marilyn Monroe in a Marilyn Monroe movie? Dozens. This is pretty well worn territory, but what the fuck do I know? I mean this could be the “Frost/Nixon” of Marilyn Monroe movies. It’s “The Queen” of Marilyn Monroe movies. It’s British is basically what I’m saying. It looks British and it is. Anyway, it’s Marilyn Monroe and it’s Michelle Williams dressed up as her and why not? Let’s just keep making this movie over and over and over again.

This movie is obviously not directed for me, so it’s all on your shoulders, ladies. Your lady shoulders. Have fun with it. Or not.

AND WE’RE DONE!

That’s NOVEMBER!

You’ll be too drunk to see any of these movies or to remember these movies anyway. It’s the Fall going into Winter and the only way to combat that coolness is to get all hot in the chest with booze and sex. Which is similar to how one must beat the heat in the Summer. Stay the course.

Questions?

8 Responses to “November Movies – Can’t Be Any Worse Than Being Molested By A Hobo – Part 2”

  1. I forgot you hadn’t seen the third one… You know, it’s not too late. I happened to notice several theaters are playing all four movies back-to-back premiere night. So, if you really want to get acquainted with the saga and/or commit murder-suicide, you should order your tickets sooner than later, mister!!!!

  2. Nix said

    Well now I’m gonna hafta see that Dangerous Method, just for the Wunderbar at the end. I really hope they include that. We live in hope & die in an old age home… Probably.

    So. Breaking Dawn Before the Spawn (can’t take credit for that but I do love to use it). I understand there are Twilight drinking games where you take a drink everytime Ms Stewart blinks, or stutters, or something. So why not take a drink everytime Bella puts her hand on Edwards chest? Could be fun.

    • Blinking or no blinking (and there will definitely be blinking…and twitching…), we’ll definitely be drinking in the theater. I’m not doing this thing sober, I’ll tell you that for shit sure.

      Signed,

      Someone who has definitely gotten a lot pervier since I was coerced into reading a teen book series promoting chastity written by a Mormon chick (although I don’t do slash fanfic. or anything having to do with Taycob).

  3. tiffanized said

    I feel like there should be a Pedobear in the “The Descendants” poster. I can’t see Clooney as a dad, but apparently I do see him as a creepster watching young girls frolic on the beach.

    Children are, generally, lacking in cinematic taste, so I don’t know why people spend so much time and effort making movies for them. Not just movies, but painstakingly animated and carefully voiced movies in 3D. They forget their real customers are parents who just want 93 minutes of relative quiet. STOP TRYING SO HARD, CHILDREN’S MOVIE MAKERS. Put anything you want up on the screen, man, just keep that little bastard from asking me dumb questions nonstop.

    Did you see the effing all star lineup on “Happy Feet Two” [which should clearly be called “Happier Feet”, but I digress]? I feel like the only thing that would make it better would be a walrus voiced by Dame Judi Dench but I see she was busy playing dress up with Michelle Williams.

    And Chris Cooper in the Muppets? Thirty seven bucks says he plays a hard-nosed authoritarian father with a secret.

    I love Keira Knightley, though it is quite possibly only for her hairstyles, since I don’t care for her movies either except for “Love Actually”. I haven’t set foot in a Hair Cuttery in five years without a picture of her so they can cut my hair like hers. Suddenly I’m thinking “updo”.

  4. tiffanized said

    Also–because the novel I already wrote down here didn’t cover it–why does Bella have her engagement ring on her right hand?

    • KStewBoy said

      Good call, Tiff. I was going to suggest photoshop transposition, but then I see that the Vampire has his ring on his left hand. I guess they just really wanted to have both rings in the shot – and her hand on his chest of course.
      I’m bringing 3 beers into my Twilight viewing. My favorite part is when someone walks by me and knocks my empties over.

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