This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #I’mNotDressingUp

October 28, 2011

It’s FRIDAY!!!!!

It’s also highly probable you will be in a costume later this evening and/or tomorrow evening!

That is, of course, if you are planning on getting DRUNK with ALCOHOL instead of getting dressed up with your KIDS to go TRICK or TREATING. If your plan is to dress in a costume if and only if you are taking your CHILD to BEG for CANDY then you still have a few days because HALLOWEEN isn’t until MONDAY. And, by the way, I’m not sure why I’m capitalizing these words, but I AM and it might CONTINUE in this POST. Just a HEADS up.

So, it is Friday. And with it being Friday, I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY! Because why the fuck not?

I wish you a happy everyday. I sort of do that already. They never told me how many wishes or hopes or prays I could have or use. So, I’m using every single last one of them.

Yes, it is Halloween on Monday.

For me, as a drinker and a person of reasonable youth, there is a great decision whether or not to get dressed up and drink in public dressed as opposed to drinking in public not dressed up and get stared at like that. I won’t lie, yelling “grow up already!” doesn’t earn you too many friends out in public or at least not the friends you would want. “Hobo Joe” is not in a costume. Hobo Joe is just a hobo named Joe who is drinking alone in the bar regardless of the day or time of year and now you two are fast friends. He also wants to sleep in your car. … with you.

I’m not against dressing up. I’m against dressing up for myself. I don’t want to dress up. It isn’t the “I don’t want to be anyone else, I want to be me!” kind of self-esteem nonsense. I’d love to be someone else. I dream of it most nights. And during the day. Sometimes I do accents even. But dressing up requires effort, forethought, and last, but not least I feel like a jackass in whatever I dress up as because I just do. I’m thinking the whole time like “I should just be in jeans and a shirt, but instead I’m dressed like a knight, but I don’t feel like a knight – I kind of feel like a doofus.”

I don’t think I’m dressing up. I’m not dressing up tonight. I’m watching the UFC fights tomorrow night and Sunday is the Lord’s day aka PROFESSIONAL TACKLE FOOTBALL, so probably not then either. Plus I haven’t put much thought into what I would dress up as if I did dress up. I was thinking about buying one of those Affliction t-shirts with all the sparkly stuff and skulls and crosses and spiking my hair up and wearing fake jewelry crosses and sunglasses and being either/or a Jersey Shore asshole or an MMA fan. But I didn’t go out and get any of those things. Looking back on it, I really should have taken a pair of free/cheap MMA gloves that were offered to me in Houston. They were cheap as mentioned and I didn’t have a bag with me, but really… lesson learned – take everything offered. … …. … … including sex. When a guy offers you sex, just take it. I mean it don’t cost nothing.

But enough about me!

Halloween isn’t about me.

Halloween is about the ki… SLUTTY CHICKS!

Kids suck.

Slutty Chicks rock. They rock like hurricanes.

Thank you, Halloween. Thank you for turning FHM/Maxim et cetera into reality when girls will parade around in more revealing outfits than they normally do. Girls who don’t normally dress slutty will now dress slutty. Girls who do dress slutty… you got it… EVEN SLUTTIER! Thank you, you beautiful sweet Lord of Halloween.

That’s really all that matters. It’s the lucky time of year where if you got to parties or popular bars, they appear for the first time the way bars/parties do in movies, your dreams and around the campuses of big schools like Arizona State University. When people say, “if you had the chance to live your life again, would you make any changes?” Yes. Yes I would. My change would be a 100% focus in high school on making it into one of the top 3 party schools in the country. I’m shooting for ASU because I feel like it is always a perennial favorite plus their team mascot is the Sun Devil (pretty great) and their school hand gesture is the “shocker”… how could that school not be the greatest place on the fucking EARTH?!

Uhhh… YEAH!

UHHHHHHH… YEAH!!!!!!!

UHHHHHHHH…. HELL YEAH!!!!

Uhhhh… errrr… please don’t, Sparky. Please do not.

So, that’s that.

Halloween.

It’s a kid’s holiday that we’ve perverted and that’s kind of how we do.

I’m pro you dressing up, but it’s just not for me. Like gay marriage I guess. Or serving in the military whether straight or gay. Or watching hockey during the season. Or vegetables. Or buying a cat.

If I do find myself out at the bar and not dressed up and someone asks me why am I not dressed up, I’m going to have 1 of 2 reasons:

1. I am in a costume. The rest of the year, I dress up real slutty, so now I’m actually in a costume as dressed as a prude.

2. I’m the Dad from Suburgatory. Do you watch that show? It’s on ABC right before Modern Family. It’s like the new Cougartown where if you saw commercials for it you would hate it and judge it, but if you watch two episodes of the show you start thinking it’s good. So yeah, I’m Jeremy Sisto from that show. Wednesdays at 8:30pm.

And with that… I bid you adieu.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you dress up as the biggest slut ever.

I hope nothing happens to you bad because of that.

I hope you have a Happy HALLOWEEN!

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6 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #I’mNotDressingUp”

  1. tiffanized said

    I dress up all the GD time. Like I don’t put my Halloween costumes away on November 1, I leave them hanging in the closet all year right next to my daily items like cardigans and assless chaps. I don’t really dress slutty because there is an age/BMI where lingerie in public crosses into WTF territory.

    I get drunk all the time too. So Halloween weekend to me is just “weekend”. The rest of you can just enjoy living for the next three days like I do all the time.

  2. KStewBoy said

    I looked in my daughter’s “tickle trunk” for something to wear, but everything’s too darned small.
    Also, I thought I was the only person on earth who has been enjoying Suburgatory. Jane Levy is the reason. She is moving into KS territory. I think she wants it, but I’m not sure yet.

  3. Is it bad form to recycle a costume? I procrastinated and friends changed their minds a dozen times, so I have nothing new to wear and am now left with either being a panda or Michelangelo again. Or some weird hybrid of the two… Teenage Mutant Ninja Panda. Slutty Mutant Ninja Panda? I’m not creative enough for this.

    • tiffanized said

      Naked Mutant Ninja Panda. Or naked anything really. Just take your clothes off and go as “Naked ________”.

      • The ONLY problem with that, is that it’s supposed to SNOW here tomorrow night. So it might be a little too chilly to be running around nude… Otherwise it’s a completely flawless suggestion, and I appreciate your genius.

  4. cledbo said

    Ah yes I’d forgotten about this “holiday” of sluttiness and candy. Like Tiff, I’m drunk most weekends anyway, plus I’m usually stuffing myself with chocolates and Skittles at D&D games so Halloween is nothing special.

    As for dressing up, we have the occasional costume party but not nearly as many as I would like. My favourite look is ‘Apparently Classy’ – I have had many a fun night turning up looking like I should be at the Oscars, then proceeding to drink beer and swear like a sailor.

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