It’s Wednesday!

Seeing that it is Wednesday, I have tied a new record that I just made up! Waking up three days in a row with a head ache! YEAH! Woooh! We’re number 1! We’re number 1! I could just go back to sleep right now and lay in bed all day to try and skip to tomorrow to see if it will be a record breaking Thursday, but that’s just the silliest idea ever, right? Uhhhhhh…

Anyway…

There has been all this NEWS going on recently like the greatest working stand-up comedian Patrice O’Neal dying at 41 years old, which I don’t feel like talking about because that shit is sad. I saw Patrice perform for the first time live not too long ago and he made me laugh so hard that an hour into his set I was absolutely tired of laughing. I just couldn’t do it anymore. He laughed me to the point where laughing was an activity that I just couldn’t participate in anymore. Imagine eating ice cream. Whatever delicious flavor will make your whole head feel joy and then your stomach feel glee and your pants feel all squishy (?), so that’s great stuff, but then imagine eating that saying ice cream non-stop for an hour. That ice cream is dead to you after an hour. It’s too much. It’s too much for a finite life form to handle and that’s what Patrice O’Neal did to me. The man was so funny he tested the limits of my own existence. And then kept performing for another half hour after that. So, I’m sad to never see him again.

Anyway…

Herman Cain is a worse sexter than I am. That’s comforting. It doesn’t make me any better at it, but at least I know I’m not alone. That was the eye opening moment of the Tiger Woods scandal for me. A. Tiger can’t spell. B. Tiger can’t sext. Actually, now that I think about it, sexting or cybering or any of that oddly reverts to elementary school level writing. What are you wearing? What am I wearing? Would you like me to do this? I’m doing this. It’s like the most scandalous English as a Second Language class ever. Also, Tiger’s spelling was so atrocious that it made me wonder if actually typing on a cell phone makes you dumber or was Tiger typing like that because the girls he was typing to were such idiots he thought they would understand that better than complete sentences with proper spelling? But we’ve all been on Twitter, which is more or less just text messaging EVERYONE and people are actually retarded when there is no oversight committee watching them.

Anyway…

Let’s get into the movie news…

BAM!

Didn’t expect that, did you?

That is the concept art for the Lizard Man from The Amazing Spider-Man movie.

Looks pretty terrible, right? Is this all we got? I have had Lizard Man action figures that looked way better than that. They looked more fearsome as well as more lizard-y. He kind of looks like Voldemort’s brother who has better cheek bones and a gym membership… still no nose.

Also, what is with the pose? He’s very provocatively blocking us from seeing his lizard penis. I’m not really well versed on the transformation from human to lizard, but does his junk stay like human junk, but now it is lizard-y or does his penis go through like a real lizard transformation and now it is a lizard penis? I mean you never see a lizard walking around and see his balls and shaft just dangling between its gecko legs like a dog or a horse or a man walking around on all fours. So, is the Lizard Man covering up just a Ken doll patch of lizard skin where his penis used to be… or is his penis just all scale-y now?

If you’re wondering, I’m absolutely terrified of both scenarios, so now that I take a step back and think about it – this may be the greatest concept art ever and is in fact way more fearsome than my action figures. I never once considered their peen area, but this Lizard Man may have one the battle before the fight has started because I’m not touching him – he creeps me out.

Anyway…

She wants IT.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

And by IT, I mean appearing in horrible movies… namely the Americanized Akira.

Here is the newest and fullest synopsis for the Akira movie.

Kaneda (Garret Hedlund) is a bar owner in Neo-Manhattan who is stunned when his brother, Tetsuo, is abducted by government agents led by The Colonel (Ken Watanabe). Desperate to get his brother back, Kaneda agrees to join with Ky Reed (Kristen Stewart) and her underground movement who are intent on revealing to the world what truly happened to New York City thirty years ago when it was destroyed.

SPOILERS!

Kaneda believes their theories to be ludicrous but after finding his brother again, is shocked when he displays telekinetic powers. Ky believes Tetsuo is headed to release a young boy, Akira, who has taken control of Tetsuo’s mind. Kaneda clashes with The Colonel’s troops on his way to stop Tetsuo from releasing Akira but arrives too late. Akira soon emerges from his prison courtesy of Tetsuo as Kaneda races in to save his brother before Akira once again destroys Manhattan island, as he did thirty years ago.

It sounds terrible. A bar owner? Why? Listen, Garrett Hedlund is the main character of this movie, which already means it will be awful. I know there are a lot of ladies out there who want to have sex with him, but that doesn’t make him a good actor or an action star or a leading man or anything. I mean last night there was a Victoria’s Secret fashion show on TV and just because myself and any other sane heterosexual man wants to hide their non-lizard junk inside each and everyone of the women featured on that runway, doesn’t mean we think they should take foreign films and Americanize them and put them in the lead roles of them. Why can’t you just watch Garrett Hedlund walk up and down a runway in different pairs of underwear without ruining classic movies in the process? You are selfish and I can’t stand to look at you.

Ok, so no one really buys that Garrett Hedlund would be able to buy and run a bar let alone all the rest of this stuff. I’ve talked about how terrible the white washing of this movie is before, but even worse is just the stupidity of it. They’re brothers now? They were orphans in the original and that’s why they bound together and shared a connection with Akira in that way too. What’s the connection they share with Akira or the wrinkly children? I mean half of the story line is that they are orphan kids who are still relatively young when all of this is going down. Now, he’s just a bar owner. I guess this only really matters if you actually care about the original, which clearly no one making this movie does.

The worst part of the whole thing is why are they keeping any of the names and why are they keeping it Akira? Just call them whatever the fuck you want to call them. You took them out of Japan and you made them non-Japanese, so why is he still “Akira”? There’s just a white kid in Manhattan named Akira? That makes a fuck load of sense. And “Akira” will be chased after by “Tetsuo” (white kid) and “Kaneda” (also white)? Just call them Jack and Todd and they need to get to Chris. CHRIS! AHHHHHHHH… we can’t let CHRIS get out of his prison! AHHHHH!!!! It’s going to be terrible, so you might as well make it consistent.

Also, I am disgusted at Kristen Stewart for taking this movie.

I honestly have no idea who is out there supposedly trying to help her career, but this movie will TANK. TANK! TANK! I don’t know how else to say it… TANQUE, which is supposedly “tank” in Spanish. Tank is probably a semi-made up word like bazooka or computer – like after language had been set for thousands of years we all of a sudden were like NEW WORDS! But I digress… this movie will do shit in the theaters. It will take a poop in every theater in the United States and do even worse over seas. No one and I repeat NO ONE wants to see this movie. I don’t know how anyone thinks this would succeed in anyway shape or form. Literally, anyone who is apart of the making of this movie in the sense of allowing it to be made, and not just some day laborer grip that doesn’t care what movie they work on, is a FUCKING MORON! Tron 2 was a failure. If that movie couldn’t succeed with all the hype and it being a sequel and the 3D and the Daft Punk soundtrack and all that then how on Earth do they think this will work?

Also, to all the girls or I assume gay men who are rattling their twitter spears saying how excited they are in seeing Kristen Stewart take the role of this tough chick like Kei who is now Ky… you’re a fucking idiot. I’m sorry, but I have to assume that you have never seen the original movie and are just so blinded in your own want to see Kristen Stewart in any movie that you are excited about this.

Kei or Ky has one moment of strength and is immediately defeated. She’s one of a group of revolutionaries who are all slaughtered except for herself and Kaneda and Kaneda is the one saving her over and over again. Later in the movie, she gets super powers for a moment and is quickly defeated by Tetsuo. And she just stands by and screams KANEDA and Kaneda is screaming TETSUO and Tetsuo is screaming KANEDA and no one is doing shit because they all more or less fail and then Akira shows up and does whatever it is he does and reverses the whole explosion situation.

So don’t expect She-ra or anything. She mostly just turns down Kaneda’s sophomoric advances, which makes a 100x more sense in the movie because he’s a high school kid and she’s older than him, but now she’ll be younger than him and also he’ll own a bar. Plus let’s be serious, Kristen Stewart is totally a chick who would fall in love with some young guy who owns a bar.

This movie sounds like shit. It’s a waste of the Want.

Movie Reviews

Last week I watched a few movies that I believe are on DVD or should be or could be in the movie theaters or something… so look out for them or don’t.

THE DEBT – Jessica Chastain is crazy pretty. Sam Worthington is also fairly pretty. So those are positives. The rest of the movie is ok. It’s a decent rental I suppose. It feels more meaningful than just a shitty flick like Cowboys & Aliens or other big budget trash. The movie is historical fiction about World War II sort of, so you feel like you’re kind of learning something, but you’re not. The movie is well put together and decently acted and is a pretty simple story. My only problem with it is the title makes no sense. There is no real “debt” in the movie. But outside of that, it’s just as good of a rental as any other like B movie like Changing Lanes is. Remember that movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck? It’s as good as that plus Jessica Chastain is crazy pretty.

WARRIOR – Honestly, you out there reading this may enjoy the movie more than I did because I actually like MMA and the movie really doesn’t handle MMA well enough for an MMA fan to like this movie. It’s a mellow dramatic movie about a pair of brothers who just so happen to fight in MMA as a means to make money for something they need money for. I would say the biggest drawback for this movie is that it is too complicated. They try to create a backstory for the characters that they only lightly touch on, but the backstories are actually way more interesting than the movie you are watching. The acting is pretty good. The overall feel of the movie is no better production wise than shitty movies like Fighting with Channing Tatum although Warrior is a billion times better as far as the dialogue and as mentioned the acting. It’s really a movie for people who want to see a sad story with a happy ending instead of seeing an MMA movie. So don’t let the MMA fool you, there’s a chance you’ll like it more than I did.

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE – I recommend this. It is in the theaters now and if you have the chance check it out. It’s got John Hawkes playing haunting creepy, which he does real well. Hawkes seems like a guy who could just irrationally snap and just start knifing people and that’s good for this movie. As for the leading lady, Elizabeth Olsen is pretty great in the first movie I’ve ever seen her in and judging by her IMDB should be expecting to see her in much much more. The movie is more about being uncomfortable than being terrified, so it is a subtle thriller in that sense. I think people who are a fan of indie movies will enjoy it. Also, you get to see Elizabeth Olsen naked in the movie several times, which in all honesty I think everyone (minus her family members) will see that as a big plus to see this movie. She looks good naked too. I mean it is an enjoyable experience for everyone each time she gets nude. I mean you’re getting the whole package from Elizabeth in this movie where she’s the lead, she’s playing all different emotions in the movie, and you see her naked, so it was kind of everything I was hoping for in the flick.

THE FUTURE – The indiest! It is the new movie by Miranda July. If you have seen Me and You and Everyone We Know and you liked it then you should see this movie. If you have seen that movie and you didn’t like it then you probably shouldn’t see this one. Also, if you haven’t see that movie then this might not be the best movie to jump into or maybe it is – kind of hard to tell. Ms. July is an acquired taste. I really liked Me and You and Everyone We Know and this The Future was pretty good. The movies are similar and definitely show that Miranda has a very specific style she is going for in her writing, directing and taking the lead role in these movies approach. It’s half innocence and half sexual perversion. I think you’ll be able to tell within the first 10 minutes of the movie if you’re going to like or hate this movie. It’s definitely not for everyone, but if you like Miranda July then you’ll like the movie. I’m glad this chick is out there making these movies because I do enjoy them, but I would also be even more glad if this stuff never happened in real life and only happened in Miranda’s head. If you do see The Future, just want to throw this out there… it is kind of a spoiler… but if you can’t take fictional animals getting hurt then it’s a sad movie. I’m one of those people and the movie made me depressed afterward.

So…

She wants IT.

Kristen Stewart totally wants IT.

I’m not making this shit up.

Also, what’s with the fairly unfortunate looking scruff on both of these dudes?

Either way, she fucking wants IT.

LOOK AT HER!

What else is it? Kristen Stewart just wants IT.

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I AM ALIVE!

Yep.

It’s true that I’m back to being alive in terms of this website because I’m writing this here and now. I was alive yesterday and I kind of just hung out with my dogs (not figurative speech for friends) and I returned some video games to buy a new video game, so basically it was any average 14 year old boy’s day for me yesterday. For you? I have no idea what happened to you, but I do know I didn’t post, so your life was less fulfilled than it could have been. I’m not saying I’m the full 100% of happiness of your day, but I’m a solid 15% chunk just sitting there to be fed upon each and every week day… except for the week days that I spend listening to sports talk radio instead of posting. In all honesty, I didn’t enjoy my time away from you all, but it was necessary. I must hear the idiocy of these sports talk radio people especially on Mondays and Fridays going into a weekend of football and coming out from one. Anyway, there is way too much child molestation talk going this football season for my liking. I mean get your own schtick Syracuse. And… on to the post…

“Nah man, you’re like the white version of me.” I wish Quinton said that to Ryan. He probably said something similar, but that would be hilarious. Quinton aka Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and Ryan aka Ryan “Darth” Bader will fight each other in a cage in Japan at the end of February. I can’t wait for it. The two of them are several years off age wise with Bader being in his late 20’s and Rampage being in his mid 30’s, but they look so evenly proportioned physically. It’s like they are a science experiment where the UFC is going to meld these two together to create an even more superior 205 pound cage-fighter and they had to choose two fighters who occupy the exact same out of mass and space… and here you go.

You complete me.

Nah. We complete each other.

(imagine a heavy German evil Nazi accent) Vee have done eet! Here are your two candidates for zee Superman project! Soon zee Rampage and zee Darth vill be ONE! EIN! From there… VEE TAKE OVAH THE VORLD!!!!!!! … ahem… I mean vee then have the greatest light-heavyweight cage-fighter and you will see great fighting, yah? Ok. He will also be a lovely toffee color. Right? Guten.

The guy in the middle all pumped in the suit is the toppest of top brass in the UFC – Lorenzo Fertitta. Also, he’s not German as far as I know, but to me in my crazy brain he’s used a little bit of the Super Soldier serum on himself, but not enough to make his face go all Red Skull.

I was looking through this picture gallery from UFC Japan and it just made me laugh. I have several more to get through.

But first…

I did go to the enemy’s lair on Sunday and survived unscathed (others not so fortunate)…

I saw… the…

NEW YORK JETS!!!!

Right? I hate them.

I will say this, I was rooting against the Jets and for the Buffalo Bills quietly in my head, but there really was no one rooting for anyone outside of the quiety in their own heads. The stadium was near silent except for people talking about things that had nothing to do with the game. It was completely civil in a bad way. It’s a FOOTBALL GAME! SCREAM! YELL! GET THE FUCK INTO IT! It was like reverse psychology because I dislike the Jets a lot, but being at their home game with their fans all around me and them barely cheering made me feel like I should cheer for them because it was their dumbass stadium and their fans weren’t helping out. Very tricky.

The Jets suck. So do the Bills. The Bills suck. The game itself was the most peaceful 28-24 game I could have ever imagined. The crowd only got riled up with a minute left and the Bills were on their last minute drive to win the game… and should have because Stevie Johnson dropped a touchdown pass without anyone touching him or anything, but that really plays into the whole “the Bills suck” thing. The crowd got into the game for the first time then as if the tryptophan from Thanksgiving and its leftovers finally wore off. All sleepy eyed they yelled and screamed to awake the Jets defense to do absolutely nothing considering it was the Bills themselves that were simply dropping game winning passes.

Either way, football is football and it was nice to go to a game and get a look at the new stadium.

LOVE IT! From left to right… UFC lightweight champion and New Jersey’s second son (first being Bruce Springsteen) FRANKIE “THE ANSWER” EDGAR. Then jacked Lorenzo who is actually bigger than the champ. It’s amazing how Frankie gives up size to all his opponents and even his bosses. And the odd man out who didn’t get the suit memo, Benson “Smooth” Henderson who will fight Frankie in JAPAN!

Frankie is the man. If Frankie successful defends the lightweight strap for the fourth time and beats Ben and he keeps wearing these baller-ass suits (not baller ass-suits) then he needs to change his name to Frankie “The Don” Edgar. Just saying. The dude looks gangster and he fights gangster and he’s an Italian Jersey shore dude.

As for the challenger, Benson is a legit threat. He is a complete athlete. He is strong, explosive, great endurance, he has good striking especially wild kicks and knees, he has great wrestling, strong submission game, has a really good chin and everything… and he’s very flexible… for the ladies… and for defending takedowns and throwing kicks.

Back to the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS shitty fans for a moment…

1. They either have no confidence in their team and/or have just lost their fire for their team and that is why they weren’t cheering.

2. The men’s room STUNK of weed, so maybe the entire stadium was hot boxing the 300 level men’s room and I didn’t get the evite and that’s why they were so mellow.

SEXYAMA!!!!!!

As the nameplate suggests, this is Yoshihiro Akiyama and more importantly known as SEXYAMA!!! Most likely the origination of his nickname started because he’s arguably the sexiest half Japanese half Korean walking this planet. Look at him. I bet he smells wonderful. There is no way that he wouldn’t. Do you really think Sexyama would go to these lengths of wearing such a modern and perfectly tailored suit with the pocket flourish and the gorgeous tan and not add something special for the olfactories? You would be nuts to think that. On any given day, I imagine Sexyama smells of the wind sweeping through the white sands of a pristine beach on an undiscovered island that is tucked away in the deep Pacific ocean… then he takes a shower and I imagine he washes himself in lavender and rose water like a Roman emperor. After that, maybe a hint of champagne and a single bead of sweat. I don’t know. I’m already getting flustered and flushed just thinking about it. I bet you could wring out his gym shorts and sell it as cologne.

The least bit Sexyama over here is Jake Shields who will be fighting Sexyama… in… JAPAN!

Should be an interesting fight. The fight is at welterweight (170 pounds) and Sexyama has never fought at that weight. Meanwhile, Jake is coming off a tough two losses for the first time ever in his career. Should be a good fight.

Regardless… we’re talking about JAPAN… so let’s talk about

BATTLE ROYALE!

You may have seen this Japanese movie or read the Japanese book or read the Japanese manga…

They’re all pretty similar. A bunch of high schoolers are gassed and put on a secluded island to kill each other in a short period of time until one is left remaining and they’re all wearing explosive dog collars to track them and to kill them if they don’t compete. So… in some ways it is an adult Hunger Games. Either way, they are planning on making an American remake of this movie because us Americans just love remaking foreign films. Why on Earth wouldn’t we just show the foreign film… who knows? Anyway, they’re remaking it. But I do have one idea for the movie that I think would make it gold…

The Twilight cast is the movie.

Instead of the crazy ass government grabbing high school kids in the future, how about whoever is the bad guy just kidnaps all the Twilight kids and throws them onto the island. RIGHT?!

There are two ways of looking at this I suppose and either works for me…

1. They are the actual Twilight kids as in the kids in the movie Twilight. It is Edward and Bella and Jacob and whatever the rest of their names are… Brad? Dave? Lisa? I don’t know. Anyway, they’re high school kids and vampires and werewolves and they’re on the island and they have to kill each other. Will Edward kill Bella to survive? Would Bella kill Anna Kendrick’s character to survive? Obviously, their super powers would come into play as well as the others lack of super powers. Fill up the island with characters until we have 21 dudes and 21 chicks and there you go. Plus the island think does fit into Twilight’s frame work, right? I’ve seen people mention something about water not being good for the vampires, right? Either way, it doesn’t matter. They’re on an island and they can’t get off until everyone, but one is dead.

2. They are the actors who are playing the Twilight kids. On some promotional tour, they get all the Twilight actors together from Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning to Kristen Stewart (wanting IT) and Nikki Reed and Kellan Lutz and so forth. Then their plane is gassed and they wake up on the island and are now forced to kill each other like mentioned. That would be great as well. It would easily get all the Twilight fans to see this movie PLUS it would get all these people (like me) who just want to see them blow up on screen and everyone will share in the hilarity. Plus I hope they follow the manga because it is way more violent and especially sexual. There’s one chick who is constantly getting naked and luring people to drop their guard and then she kills them and in my mind that is Ashley Greene. I’m just saying this would be great. Again, will Kristen have to kill Rob or will Rob have to kill Kristen? Will Taylor Lautner use his taekwondo skills to kill other people? Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see this?!

I really don’t want to see a straight American remake, but if they did either of those ideas I would pre-order tickets and wait in line.

Plus… anyone who has a dog collar fetish will fucking love this movie.

Yushin Okami got the suit memo.

Yushin looks straight out of movie when they do dress up their monster muscle man in a suit and he looks all calm and then it is time to fight and he literally tears a man’s head off. If Superman were Japanese then Yushin Okami should play him.

Lastly with these pictures…

For some reason, the rest of the Japanese fighters did not get the suit memo and instead got a different memo about them dressing up like they’re in a boy band.

Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto and Hatsu Hioki.

As well as…

Takeya Mizugaki, Riki Fukada and “The Fireball Kid” Takanori Gomi.

I feel like Gomi is kind of the Mark Wahlberg of the bunch and Norifumi is the Donnie Wahlberg. Hatsu is the young good looking one for the girls want a nice guy to take them on dinner dates and strolls through the park and drive-in movies. Fukuda is the jock. And Mizugaki is the oldest member (not in real life though, just in this fantasy world) who made some questionable life decisions prior to joining a boy band and is really hoping this works out because he has seen how cruel life can be.

I think that’s just about all the randomness for the day.

Did you have a good weekend and Thanksgiving?

Boom!

Kristen Stewart in Last of the Mohicans.

What I’m thankful for?

In 30 minutes there will be a professional tackle football game.

When that one ends…

There will be another PROFESSIONAL TACKLE FOOTBALL GAME!

When that one ends…

THERE WILL BE ANOTHER FOOTBALL GAME!

And it’s only Thursday.

Also, I’ll be stuffing my face with beer and dinner rolls the whole time, so I’m fucking psyched.

I would like to thank the Native Americans mostly for teaching the British Pilgrims that there is more to life than fish & chips and bangers & mash and that’s why we’re eating such a big beautiful turkey dinner. And to all the people who turn their nose up to turkey, you can go fuck yourselves on this holiday because I love turkey.

Gobble gobble, motherfuckers. Gobble gobble.

As I start today’s post, I have one thing and one thing only going through my head…

WHITESNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I have listened to a lot of Whitesnake in my life. I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted to as much on this website as well believing Whitesnake shaped a healthy (unhealthy) chunk of my sexual identity with “Is This Love”. Right now, I’m listening to it and all I can say is you can keep Paris in the 20’s or New York in the 70’s because I wish I lived with Whitesnake in Los Angeles in the 80’s. But wooooo(!) the 90’s must have been rough, real rough.

Anyway, next set of December movies! Thunder Thunder Thundercats!!!! HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Carnage

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Looks good. First thing first, yes John C. Reilly is in two movies that come out in December and both look good. Meanwhile, Jeremy Piven is in two indie movies in December, which you won’t see, but don’t worry they both look horrible. Back to Carnage, the cast is the 4 you see in the poster right there and that’s Jodie Foster, Mr. C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz, and Kate Winslet. So that’s like a perfect cast. Also, they’re directed by famed jacuzzi ass rapist Roman Polanski. The movie looks great. It is a play turned into a movie and the entire movie takes place at the C. Reilly and Foster’s place through a myriad of sarcastic and emotionally charged conversations between the two couples. It’s about Waltz and Winslet’s kid I believe picking on C. Reilly and Foster’s kid, but they’re all such weird people and having troubles of their own that the dialouges become about that. I’ve seen some good reviews for it. It’s a short movie, so put that shit on your Netflix or on your OnDemand future queue. It will be worth it. No skiiiip… see… when you get the chance.

Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol

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I’m excited. I will be seeing this movie in the theaters. It is in IMAX and I’m not sure where one of those is around me, but I will try to find one and if I can’t find one then I still see it in the normal theaters, but then lie to everyone I talk to and tell them I saw it in IMAX making them feel like they need to see it in IMAX and if/when they do then I can feel like I paid it forward and I’ve done my duty as a conscious citizen of the world. So yeah, Mission Impossible 4. The directors of these MI movies are really something else. The first was handled by Brian De Palma, which was a pretty good/great movie. The second was done by John Woo and it wasn’t a good movie, but it was a good action movie. The third was made by J.J. Abrams and it was excellent. This 4th installment is by first time human director Brad Bird. Mr. Bird did direct The Incredibles, Iron Giant, Ratatouille and some TV cartoon stuff. So he’s directed… just not people. Now, he is directing the greatest of us people and that is Tom Cruise. I’ve stated before, this guy rarely rarely rarely makes bad movies. He rarely makes anything that is less than watchable. Anyway, this looks like it is filled with crazy action, crazy stunts, crazy Tom Cruise. Also, this movie will be the apparent end of Cruise in this franchise as Jeremy Renner is set to take over the reins, which is another reason to see the movie… see Tom leave, see Jeremy enter. Yep. Cruise, Bird, Renner, guns. See it. No skiiiip… see in the theaters on the biggest screen that you can find!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

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I’m seeing this too, but I don’t understand something. There are like a million weeks a year every year, right? It’s something like that. It’s over 30 weeks a year, I know for sure, but under like two million weeks. There are all these weeks and all these weeks have a Friday to release a movie on and of all those Fridays that were open, someones thought that Mission Impossible and Sherlock Holmes should open on the same one and not think that was fucking stupid? Spread that shit around, you fucktards. Anyway, I’m seeing this. If you didn’t see the first Sherlock Holmes movie then you’re missing out and you should go see it. Is it some Oscar winning thing? No, but it is damn entertaining though. Way more entertaining than Iron Man or those Pirates movies. This is the hotly anticipated sequel. My only problem with this movie is that there was a period of time that I thought this movie was going to GREAT and now I think it will be great. You see the difference? The first time it was a TALL GREAT and the second time it was a short great. Reason being, Holmes’ arch-nemesis Moriarty is in this movie and there was quite the rumor mill going about who would play Robert Downey Jr.’s nemesis. People rumored Brad Pitt, Gary Oldman, Daniel Day-Lewis, Sean Penn and Javier Bardem. Personally, Daniel-Day Lewis is far and away the most compelling of those choices, either way they’re all A-List actors. Instead the role went to Jared Harris. Who? You’re very correct in the who who whoing owl noises about Jared Harris. He is a fine actor most may remember from Mad Men, but certainly doesn’t carry the proverbially nutsack of acting notoriety that the others do. Anyway, the first movie was very entertaining and the second probably will be as well. No skiiiiip… seeing it.

The Adventures of Tin Tin

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Yeeeeeeeeeep. I highly doubt I’ll see this movie in the theaters, but if I do I hope I’m high while seeing it. When this movie was first announced people were shitting on it. When the trailer came out, I think I remember people were shitting on it again, but then when a second trailer came out everyone shut the fuck up. The trailer is actually pretty good/great. It’s by Steven Spielberg and it’s produced by Peter Jackson and written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish. A lot of proverbial behind camera big nutsacked dudes. It’s an animated movie with the same animation style as Polar Express. It’s a kids’ movie, but it looks pretty good. It’s corny/cheesy, but the action looks like it could be pretty thrilling and it is in 3D and people know that makes movies a million times better (RIGHT?!), so if you have a kid -> take that kid -> to see -> this movie -> instead of the chipmunk movie. The funny thing I remember people griping about this movie was they were like “why does this movie have to be made?” and I think the same can be said for nearly every movie made, so what’s your point? It was made, now let’s see it or don’t see it and judge the hell out of it. Skiiiiiiipable if you don’t have a kid, but I’ll probably catch it one day on la computadora.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

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I can’t believe I’m going to see this movie twice and I didn’t even want to see it once. First thing first, if you look hard enough and get your face close enough to your computer screen you’ll see some nipple. Honestly, if you get close enough to any picture on any computer then you’ll swear you’re seeing some nipple. That’s just how this works, but really there is some nipple showing up in that picture. Anyway, I saw the original movie and was woefully unprepared for it. If you remember the poster for the original dragon tattoo having girl, it looked like a 12 year old goth girl in front of a fire place sitting Indian style. I honestly thought this movie was about a female Avatar: The Last Airbender or something. Then the movie starts and I’m learning about some Robert Langdon wannabe getting fired from his newspaper job and randomly cutting to some Cradle of Filth groupie getting raped and then raping her raper all within the first hour of the movie. WOEFULLY unprepared. What in the fuck is happening?! And it only got more Law & Order: SVU from there. I’ve never been to Sweden and one day I would like to go and that’s Kool and the Gang because I’m a dude, but if you’re a woman and you live in Sweden or you are thinking about going to Sweden then you shou- RUN RUN RUN RUN RUUUUUUNNNN!!!! GET AWAY FROM THERE!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! THEY DON’T LIKE YOU OVER THERE!!!! JUST RUN!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!! Apparently in Sweden, the national pastime is raping and murdering women. Now in the United States of America, the national pastime is baseball and I would argue it has really become football, nevertheless in Sweden the pastime is as mentioned the RAPE and MURDER of WOMEN. So don’t go over there! Stay away from there! Hot stove! Don’t touch! But I digress… I’ll end up seeing this movie solely because of David Fincher. I’ve seen every other film he’s directed and I do love his directing – minus Curious Case of Benjamin Button and that was more his screenplay’s fault than the directing – and I can only see the movies he chooses to make. I wish he chose to make a different film than the remake of a movie that just came out and was a good movie in its own right, but he didn’t so this is what I get. It will probably be just as good of a movie as the original movie was, but with a better soundtrack and more meatier visuals. I did read they changed the ending of the movie, but it just sounds like they made it bloodier, but who knows. Either way, if you’re sitting around the Christmas table thinking to yourself, “I’d really like to see a tale of rape and murder from Sweden” then guess what?! I wish I could skiiiiip, but I’ll probably see.

In the Land of Blood & Honey

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Honestly, the only reason anyone cares about this movie is because of this above picture – Angelina Jolie directed it. In the directorial debut of Ms. Jolie, oh who cares, right? I think we all tuned out after that other sentence. Honestly, the movie looks like Beyond Borders to me, but I didn’t see Beyond Borders, so who knows? It’s about the Bosnian war and it’s really about some bad guy who kills people is having this loving relationship with a woman who is one of those people he would usually kill and she knows he is evil, but I don’t know. Angelina, aren’t you in charge of like being an ambassador and stuff and fixing Africa and New Orleans? Not that you shouldn’t direct, but I don’t know… I generally imagine you are doing like good stuff with your time and then everyone once and a while you have Republican meltdowns, but then you pull yourself together and get back to adopting Africa or whatever. The movie looks fine, but just another random historical fiction movie? Whatever. The movie was shot in English as well as Bosnian (?) at the same time, so there’s that. Skiiiiiip.

We Bought a Zoo

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I’m going to hit you with the skiiiiiip early on because I think you’ve been already swayed by the title, the poster, and the pretty people in the movie. It doesn’t look good. It looks gay. Like running around in the grass with a silk scarf trailing behind you – gay. That didn’t help. I don’t mean ass sex, I mean just too happy-go-lucky and whimsical et cetera. Also, this Matt Damon guy is forced into buying this zoo and then it JUST SO HAPPENS that Scarlett Johansson comes with the zoo. Yeah? A single and looking for it Scarlett comes with the zoo you were “forced” to buy. That is easily the greatest happiest coincidence of all time. I don’t even know how I can register this as anything but amazing things happening to this guy. The problem is that this is supposed to be a family overcoming hardships and nonsense, but when Scarjo is involved it is all about GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE EVERY DAMN DAY type of stuff. The movie is also directed by Cameron Crowe. I think Cameron Crowe ran out of talent. I think that can happen as well. He made Say Anything, Singles, Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous. You did well. You did really well. Those are 4 great movies. If you haven’t seen all 4 then go see them, they’re better than just about anything else, so see them. But I don’t think I want to see anything else by Mr. Crowe ever again. Skiiiiiip.

The Darkest Hour

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This looks shitty. There was a time when Timur Bekmambetov’s name meant something to me. So much so, that I made sure I remembered how to spell it and say it properly. Timur made two movies that I thoroughly enjoyed Night Watch and Day Watch – both are Russian action movies. There was supposed to be a Dawn Watch I believe, but I’m not sure that ever happened. Anyway, then Timur made a little movie called Wanted and it SUCKED. Since then, Timur has had his name attached as producer and such for several movies and I have seen a few and they all suck. The movie 9 for instance sucked big hairy cocks. Now, this movie isn’t directed by Timur, but it is produced by him and the movie looks like dog shit. Shit from dogs. Anyway… let’s pretend like this movie didn’t happen. You’ll forget the name of this movie in a minute or two anyway and you won’t see it no matter what I say or don’t say about it. So let’s move on… Mr. Timur Bekmambetov does have one movie on the horizon that may save my falling opinion of him… Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Yes. You read that all correctly. If that movie isn’t FUCKING AMAZING then I will cease to remember Timur’s name or how to spell it or how to say it correctly. Damn you, Timur. Do right by us! You owe us! Skiiiiiip.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

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This and the next are the movies we’re supposed to cry during. There are a lot of talented people involved in this movie and it’s directed by a director that you may like – Stephen Daldry of The Hours and Billy Elliott and The Reader fame. See the thing is, I don’t like those movies… well Billy Elliott is good, but the other two… meh. Anyway, that’s me and me is a dude with balls and penis and a Y chromosome, so I just don’t care about The Hours. Back to the movie at hand, the movie is about a kid ^^^^ that kid in particular whose dad dies in 9/11 and the kid thinks the dad has placed all these hidden messages through out the city for him to unravel and figure out. I’m expecting this movie to be in some ways a glorified tour of New York City like The Adjustment Bureau was, but hopefully much much much better. As mentioned, there are a lot of great actors in this movie playing side roles to this kid and the movie is I believe based on a novel by Jonathan Safran Foer and I like his previous work a lot. So, it will be good, right? I don’t know. I’m not really too interested in this movie, but it could be really good. It could also be so heartwarming that you’re like who gives a shit. And that’s how that stuff works. Looks better than the zoo movie. Posi-skiiiip, posi-see. Fence movie.

War Horse

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If this movie came out in May, I would have totally seen it. Living in the New York region, I was slammed with commercials for the War Horse play on Broadway and if this movie came out earlier this year when that was happening every damn commercial break – I would have seen the shit out of it. Now, I’m not sure. It looks like a cry and/or tears in the eyes every damn minute kind of movie because you’re like “something better not happen to that damn horse because if something happens to that horse… I’ll probably just sit here and bawl.” It’s another Steven Spielberg heartwarming tale of heartwarming tales and I don’t really want to see it anymore. Maybe I will, but I’m kind of over it at this point. If I do see it, it will be just to make sure nothing happens to that damn horse. Something better not happen to that horse! It better be alive at the end of that movie wearing like a wreath of flowers and believe me it knows what it did. It knows! So it better be alive. If it isn’t then I’m seriously going to cry through New Years. Posi-skiiiip, definitely bring tissues if you see it.

The Iron Lady

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Lastly, this British bullshit that I won’t be seeing. What is it about Christmas that means Americans want to see another tale of governmental greatness concerning those fucking Brits? The Queen, The King’s Speech and, now, The Iron Lady. This movie is having a limited run starting on December 30th and will open with a wider release (that’s what she said) in January, but who gives a fuck? Not me. I couldn’t give any less fucks about this movie. I haven’t seen The Queen, I haven’t seen The King’s Speech and I will go to my grave in 2089 with a samurai sword, a laser rifle and the bones of a velociraptor without seeing this damn movie. Who the fuck cares?! Honestly, these movies do not make you more British, help you learn about the British and lastly who the fuck wants to be MORE British? I feel like there was some secret treaty made when WE defeated the BRITISH that we wouldn’t forget about that country and we would write stories and plays and produce their stories and plays about their miniscule accomplishments. I’m really more focusing a lot of that hate on The King’s Speech. It was a fucking speech! That was it. Are they over there making movies about Martin Luther King Jr.? They should be. Are we even making movies about MLK? We should be. Anyway, this movie looks stupid. It looks like a pretty light smattering of bullshit about Margaret Thatcher that won’t make you know anything more about the woman than you already know. Thatcher is actually a very important character over the past 30 years and this movie does not look like it will do a good job of talking about the controversies revolving around her. It will more so be, “Hey Meryl Streep sure can do a British accent am I right?” Whatever. Who the fuck cares?! I can’t stress that enough. Just skiiiiiip this movie. Skiiiip Skiiiip Skiiiiiiiiip!

That’s December.

Some good.

Some bad.

Either you can see the movies or just hang around with the heat off under a blanket boner poking with your little spoon until it hits Spring in 2012. ESKIMOS!

It’s Tuesday and you know what that means… another post!

No need for applause. Well, there is need for it, but if you do applaud I can’t hear you. And… if I did hear you, it would mean you are in my house and you revealing your location would only resort in a swift imminent licking/barking attack from these well-trained K-9’s and I would probably yell things like “I’m getting a knife! You better not still be here after I get that knife! Now, I’m actually going to get multiple knives! KNIFES!”

Anyway, today’s tour-de-force will cover the first half of movies entering the theaters this coming month of December.

Yes, December. The month of “holidays”. This month, if you have loved ones or at the very least family members then you will spend a lot of money on their existence because of these holidays. These days of holy are supposed to bring everyone together, but you will now see their smiling faces as a weave of dollar signs as you have now purchased most likely unnecessary items for their momentary amusement. A Sony Reader? Who the fuck even knew there was such a thing? Didn’t I say you were never going to use it? Yes, I did say that. Oh your friend has one? Then sure I should definitely buy you one, why not?! So… while there will be a million of those moments to look forward to… there will also be these movies to act as an escape hatch for a couple hours at least.

Let’s tackle the first half… Some of these movies look frighteningly bad and some look ok, but at least they don’t make snide remarks about you working on your 5th beer by 2pm. Am I right?!

A Warrior’s Heart

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This movie is one of those insufferably terrible ones.

I’m not sure if I think it is brilliant or it pisses me off that these Twilight kids are mixed and matched throughout many other terrible movies. Also, the completely NOT SUBTLE “twilight of their youth” on the poster is fucking genius. The movie producers are literally betting all their money on Twilight fans being sooooo stupid that they will just see any movie that has any remote tie-in to Twilight even a movie that only features a couple of actors who played side characters who are not vampires in this movie. Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz are the stars of this movie or at least that’s what the poster is telling us. I would love for you to give me a guess about what this movie is about?

Did you guess rediscovering the roots of LACROSSE? You did?! Incredible! Yep. That’s what this steaming pile of shit is about. Lutz plays lacrosse and then his dad dies and then he’s mad/sad about that, so they SEND HIM TO A NATIVE AMERICAN RUN LACROSSE CAMP! Yep. While there he learns the history of lacrosse, which I know quite well because I played lacrosse. It was called bagittaway or something and the injuns played it and the French saw them playing it and renamed it and took it for the own because that was what happened to the Natives of America like every time. Anyway, this movie looks like poop and looks like a made-for-television movie that no one should see played on a channel that doesn’t exist. Ashley Greene is beautiful and her character’s name is Brooklyn and with her magical pussy powers she keeps Lutz in line as well as the friendly Indian jocks he meets at Summer camp. Dumb movie… SKIIIIIIP!

Answers To Nothing

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Answers to Nothing and saw by no one. The poster looks like it is trying to be Crash, which no one wants to see ever again. Once was enough. Secondly, that is DANE COOK. Did you ever think you were going to see Dane Cook as the lead in a movie again? Did you ever think you were going to see Dane Cook in general ever again? Well, you won’t. No one is seeing this movie. SKIIIIIIIP!

Shame

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This… well… this… hmmmm… do you want to see Michael Fassbender… hmmmm… what’s the word… oh right… FUCK!?!?! Do you want to see Michael Fassbender get some strange? Mikey Fassbender getting his dilsnick all up in some chicks’ guts? Michael Fassbender more like Michael “Ass-Bender” Fassbender because he’s going to be taking it to these chicks with his penis! I don’t know, that’s what the movie is about… I didn’t make it. Shame is NC-17, which means it’s about as close to a porno as you’re going to get from Michael Fassbender. He’s a bachelor who has no emotional attachment to anyone, but at the same time loves to get his fuck on with every chick in sight. So Michael Fassbender is playing EVERY GUY EVER… but the difference is that he is Michael Fassbender so he is getting laid a lot by this chicks who are all amazing looking. The only hiccup is that his sister played by Carey Mulligan needs to stay at his apartment because of something and she starts seeing his wild ways and her presence brings up old memories of some shared shitty childhood they had that led to Fassbender being this emotional unavailable. Either way, the movie looks very mellowdramatic and tense for a movie about every guy’s day dream of picking up chicks at bars, on subways, at friend’s barbecues and so forth. Also, the trailer has a decided Marathon Man feel although in that movie Dustin Hoffman looks like a kid toucher and in this movie Fassbender looks like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Anyway, could be an interesting rental. Posi-not-skiiip!

Sleeping Beauty

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I have a question. I saw this movie called Sucker Punch. It came out in March I believe of this year. People were saying how sexist the movie was because the male director had these early 20’s actresses dressed up all sexy when they were cutting robots in half with katanas. Now, the main actress of that movie was Emily Browning. In that movie, she played the hero who led her fellow young-ins out of a terrible place trying to combat these evil people along the way. In this movie, Emily Browning decides to get a job and that job is as a prostitute for old men who want to have sex with young girls who are basically catatonic. So, my question is… is this movie sexist? I’m still very unclear on why Sucker Punch is sexist, but this movie is just about old men having sex with a lifeless Emily Browning and she’s doing this willingly as a job of her choosing, so my question is this going to be seen as sexist or is it not sexist because a woman directed it? That’s my question. The movie itself seems stupid. I mean in all honesty, if you want to see Emily Browning naked – which you do now as well as should have since you saw Sucker Punch – there are plenty of stills and clips from this movie on line and you kind of see her naked or you do, I can’t remember. You at the very least get a great idea of what Emily looks like naked. Anyway, this movie seems stupid to me. Sexy Skiiiiiip.

I Melt With You

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If The Hangover was a drama and no one wanted to see it. That’s what I think the point of this movie is. It’s really to prove that you can get 4 reasonably to very attractive white men and make them pretend to be friends and watch them drink is really not the key to success for any movie. Also, I’m pretty sure this movie was just an experiment to see how many forlorn and staring into the distance of the meaningless future shots they could get of these 4 men and string them together and to call it a movie. The trailer is absolutely what I just described and unless someone tricks you into seeing this movie or you’re blood related to someone involved in the making of this movie then you will not only not see this movie, but you’ll forget the name of it and the idea that it even existed by the end of this post. Yep. That’s how good this movie looks. Completely forgettable and skiiiiiiip.

New Year’s Eve

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Nope.

Not seeing this. Honestly, I would choose death over seeing this. Death by what? Well, anything. I’m not sitting through this movie no matter what is at stake. I mean you would need to dig up Excalibur, give me the keys to Sweden, and grant me total immunity on international crimes and national crimes and probably let me torture and kill the creators of this movie and anyone who signed off on it to get me to consider sitting through this movie. Do you remember the movie Valentine’s Day? This actually looks worse. How is that even possible?! How could anything look worse than that movie? The same people made this atrocity as that one, but let’s stop talking about all of that. No one that you believe has any integrity in life is seeing this. Maybe someone you call a friend ends up seeing this, but you don’t think they have any integrity. They’re nice, but you wouldn’t trust them to make the right choice in a decision making situation… ever. Also, let’s stop talking about that too.

Let’s talk about one person and one person in particular, Lea Michele. A website I frequent, Egotastic, has such a great nickname for Lea that I love. I’m not sure if they were the ones who came up with it, but I have seen other people say stuff similar. Anyway, they call her the Hebrew School Hottie and I love it.

Oh yeah, she’s in that movie and I think she hooks up with Ashton Kutcher, so I’ll pretend like that doesn’t happen in my head. SKIIIIIIIP!

The Sitter

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Three things:

1. That is supposedly Jonah Hill’s phone number or at least it was. People called it and they talked to him or left messages on his voice mail, but I bet those phone calls became pretty ugly once people knew they were actually talking to him. That’s kind of how people get.

2. This movie is a ripoff of Adventures in Babysitting. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that before. A remarkable amount of this movie is very familiar to that movie. The problem is in that movie the main character was the very attractive Elizabeth Shue and in this movie we have the pre-weight loss Jonah Hill. Even if we had the post-weight loss Jonah Hill I wouldn’t want to have consensual sex with him nearly as much as I do with Elizabeth Shue now or then. Anyway, I really like that movie Adventures in Babysitting and I’m not a fan of Jonah Hill getting his chubby fingerprints all over it.

3. The movie is probably decently amusing. But I don’t want to see it. Skiiiiiip.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

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Here it is folks. The big movie. We’ve had a lot of supposed big movies come out this year and by and large they’ve all sucked big stinky dicks. This has been a fairly offensive year with its movies. I mean I just watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes and it was entertaining although I’m not sure what the point was and it kind of takes a lot for granted if this is the only prequel to the Planet of the Apes. But anyway, that was one of the best Summer movies and Spring movies and Winter from the beginning of this year and the movie isn’t all that particularly great. It just didn’t suck. I mean the movie definitely didn’t suck. Other movies sucked. That Harry Potter movie had a lot of suckiness in it and the Green Lantern sucked and Thor and Cowboys & Aliens and like a million others. Anyway… Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is supposed to be the big movie. It’s got about every British dude ever in it and then Gary Oldman playing British, which is ok because the man is a chameleon. It’s a spy movie, it’s an espionage movie, it’s a bunch of guys in suits saying “He’s the mole! And here is my lengthy investigative work to prove it!” and there will be talks of codes and breaking those codes and people at night looking up to a window where they can’t see a camera filming them, but they know it is there because if they were spying on themselves then they would be behind that window with a camera. Ya dig. No skiiip. Stay and watch this one.

We Need To Talk About Kevin

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If The Omen was an Oscar winner. That’s what this movie is going for. It is pretty much the same story as The Omen. A kid who seems like he’s just born evil and the one parent who doesn’t see it and thinks the other parent is crazy and the other parent isn’t sure if they’re right or are they crazy and the whole time the kid is an evil hellion in a nature and nurture kind of scenario. That’s what I’m seeing from it at least. It is supposed to be good. Tilda Swinton is supposed to be great in it, but she’s great in pretty much everything she is in, so I don’t know why she would stop now. It’s a horror/thriller/drama, but smart. That’s really the thing stopping The Omen or really any movie from being good is that they’re like “Well, what do people expect? An Oscar winning teenage vampire movie? It’s supposed to be stupid!” I guess. That’s the spirit! Failure without even a sense of succeeding in making an actual good movie instead of succeeding at making a shitty movie for the sake of it. The movie looks interesting. I like Tilda. I bet it is creep-city. That kid is so The Omen creepy. Is your kid evil? I’m not sure, but he gives me creepy douche chills like nobody’s business, so you might want to send him to a Native American lacrosse camp or something. Probably not a skiiiiip, probably a stay and see.

Young Adult

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I want to see. Why not? I’ve seen Jason Reitman’s other movies and have enjoyed them a lot. I’ve seen Diablo Cody’s other movies and enjoyed them quite a lot. This movie looks good. It’s got Patrick Wilson who is always bringing it. It’s got Patton Oswalt, which why the fuck not? And of course the star of the show is the lovely and a good/great actress Charlize Theron. The movie is about a chick who peaked in high school coming back to the town she grew up in and she hasn’t changed any and everyone else has grown up and she wants to get Patrick Wilson her old high school boyfriend back and he’s married and has a kid. It’s a pretty humorous premise. Also, Charlize is a young adult fiction writer in the movie. I’m not sure how much that plays into the movie because from the trailer it doesn’t appear to play any part, but I would love to see Diablo Cody take some shots at this horrible genre of books called young adult fiction. I would like that. I would like that very much. I’m seeing this. If you try to stop me then you’re going to fail. That’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’m seeing it. I’ve seen Thank You For Smoking, Juno and Up in the Air and I really enjoyed every minute of them, so I’m fucking seeing this. So what’s up now? Huh?! Want to fight about it? Let’s get froggy motherfucker. Let’s get to hoppin’! Not skiiip. Stay. See. Enjoy. Hopefully.

And lastly for today…

Alvin and the Chipmunks – Chipwrecked

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Nothing wrong here. Looks perfect. Well done.

SKIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!

Will continue tomorrow…

HAPPY… monday…

So it is Monday, I hope you are having a happy Monday.

Maybe it is happy because Sunday or Saturday or both and a little dash of Friday was so fucking good that now Monday’s depression is no match for how good those other days made you feel in your heart and in that highly sensitive cluster of nerves in your sexual organ. It’s just that this weekend was so good that no matter how hard Monday tries to feel shitty, you’re still in a warm post coital weekend glow. Right? RIGHT?!

Anyway, I had a pretty great weekend and it didn’t involve a single vampire, celebrating monogamy, getting preggers, but there were so many shirtless dudes. So many. Some would say too many, but in all honesty – I would say not enough.

I watched CAGE-FIGHTING! this weekend… as well as one RING-FIGHTING!

Friday night, I watched Strikeforce on Showtime, which feature the better looking and tons more badass and talented version of Julia Stiles as we all know and love as “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey. Remember the blonde cage-fighting chick who made her hair into those Chun Li buns in that video from someday earlier in life on this blog? Well, she won again. In under a minute again. By armbar again. This time she appeared to break/severely dislocate the elbow of Julia Budd in 39 seconds. Julia didn’t tap, which is remarkable. Julia’s tough too and when Ronda snapped her arm as quickly as she did she just kept trying to wriggle free because it’s not like the arm can get worse, right? The ref stopped the fight rightly so once she got a good look at the now flamingo legged elbow of Budd’s. Ronda Rousey is no joke.

I watched the UFC 139 fights on Saturday. In all seriousness, it was one of the greatest pay-per-view events of the year/ever. Specifically because of the two main events. Wanderlei Silva vs. Cung Le was about everything we were hoping and praying for and was a glorious violent mess and definitely “Fight of the Night”. That is until the main even between Shogun and Henderson came on and those two fought in arguably the GREATEST FIGHT OF ALL TIME. There have been some good fights and this could have been the goodestest. It was amazing. I don’t agree with how the judges scored the fight – I thought Shogun won the last round 10-8 making the fight a 47-47 draw – but that won’t derail the unbridled love I have for those two men and for what they did to each other on Saturday night in the eight sided cage.

Also, I watched a Russian MMA fight and Bellator on MTV. Plus college football (Iowa State!) and the NFL (!!!)!)))!)!(!(!)!()!) So much testosterone.

About the closest I got to Twilight and Ed and Bel was this hysterical moment from the UFC 139 weigh-ins…

The bald man with the 8 pack and gold shorts in Edward Cull-… I mean Kyle Kingsbury from the UFC’s light-heavyweight division. The completely awestruck, wet in the pants, awkward at life, redhead with the headband, owner of 100 Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn part I movie stubs from this past weekend is the San Jose, California weight scale operator from those same weigh-ins. By the by, this chick was HORRIBLE at her job of adjusting weights on a scale to figure out if a guy who is supposed to be 155 pounds is 155 pounds or 155.5 or 156 pounds. Anyway, this is pretty much what Twilight is to me.

Anyway…

I didn’t know the American Music Awards were on last night and I wouldn’t have watched it if I did, but I maybe would have started this post a little earlier because I love making fun of these people who show up to these things and their red carpet pictures. So this post is running a little late while I’m type type typing away at it, but I just have to take a gander at these pictures. Won’t you come on this journey with me? WITH ME?!

RED CARPET for the AMA’S!

WOW. Jennifer Hudson can officially never sing again if she doesn’t want to. She is now just hot. Like before I thought she was attractive and would imagine us have sex weightless in fields of wild lavender, but in that world she also needed to sing to make a living and to stay in the Hollywood-sphere. Now, she’s just fucking hot, so she can make a living appearing in cleavagey tops with little else on like the majority of the women in Hollywood. If she wants to sing we don’t even have any aspirations for her to wow us with more Dreamgirls style performances. Hudson can now be the black Katy Perry and just auto-tune sugar coated pop and we’re cool with it because she looks so damn sexy. But that’s me. I’m probably so far off base, I mean Hollywood is such a moral and talent driven industry. But yeah… I hope Complex magazine gets Hudson to take some dirty close-to-nudey style pics sooner than later. Oh and by the way, does she even sing anymore? I haven’t heard a strange hobo’s bourbon soaked whisper of a song from her since Dreamgirls. NEXT!

Good news and bad news situation here:

Good news for straight guys and/or gay women: Selena Gomez looks crazy hot.

Bad news for straight women and gay men: Justin Bieber is a creeper and not cute anymore. What the hell happened to this kid? Well, in all honesty the attraction towards him was on a Jerry Sandusky level anyway because he looked like he was the cutest 12 year old evah, but now he just looks like what most of us expected, which is a weird Michael Jackson rip off. Did he pick out this outfit? Actually, let’s just take for granted that whatever led to this photo of Bieber looking like this were all the wrong decisions and next time you should make the complete opposite decisions and thus it should be closer to being right.

If Taylor Swift isn’t cast as an Elf Princess in The Hobbit then someone fucked up. There’s no need for you to do any Hollywood magic or anything. Just call Taylor Swift up and tell her you need her to dress up like she’s going to be on TV and then BAM! perfect Elf Princess. I think Taylor Swift has magical powers. The first is that she looks like she’s 13 and 23 at the same time, it’s like some glimmer thing she does. The second is she speaks to animals. The third is the whole thing where she convinced everyone she’s a country singer even though her music sounds like a bad Kelly Clarkson rip off and she’s from Pennsylvania. Anyway, wasn’t it funny when TAYLOR Swift was supposedly going out with TAYLOR Lautner? Hahahah…gays.

I mean I know who he is, but why? Why is he at this? Is it still because he got hit by that car or whatever happened? I can’t remember a song that he’s done since the first one and I’m pretty sure I was still in college when that came out. Also, does he age?!

What a waste. Dying your hair is not a personality.

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about either of these two men. will.i.am. is a catchy jingle genius. Not only did he sell himself to us, but he sold us Fergie, Taboo, and that other black guy from the Black Eyed Peas. They also played the fucking Super Bowl earlier this year. I have nothing bad to say about that man. As for Robin Thicke, I envy few white men more than Robin Thicke. Unless you’re racist, then not so secretly every white person wants to earn the respect of black people like all of them. Robin Thicke has accomplished that by the truck load plus he is married to

Paula Patton. I would say give yourself a good 15 minutes and google “paula patton” and just let that soak into your eye sockets. She’ll make you feel warm like a space heater.

Mary J, why not? Kind of looks like a clouded snow leopard in this dress.

I refuse to care about these three people. I haven’t thus far and I won’t ever.

Alanis Morissette! Great. I guess. Did you know that the Red Hot Chili Peppers did all the instrumental work for her first album? I didn’t know that. Someone brought that up this weekend. Yep, I was talking about Alanis Morissette this weekend without knowing the AMA’s were going on.

We also talked about how we wouldn’t be able to date a white girl with dreadlocks.

I guess.

I don’t who these three people are, but I have a feeling that if they just allowed me to video tape them have a devil’s threesome then we could make a ba-zillion dollars. But that’s just a guess.

Who?

Seriously.

Why?

Seriously.

Joe Jonas looks more like a tanless Ricky Martin every time I fucking see him. The weird thing is that I’ve seen a lot of pictures of Joe Jonas a lot this year and not once have I sought them out. He’s just a professional shower upper and this point. Good for him. I wish that was my job. Just show up places. Also, I would hope that in that world of being paid to show up places that I too was beginning to look more and more like Ricky Martin at each public appearance.

I love gays, but not this one. You can go fuck yourself to death, Mr. Lambert. You look like a fucking idiot.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! LIONEL RICHIE IS GOING TO EAT ME!!!! HIS JAW IS UNLOCKING AND HE’S GOING TO EAT THE CAMERA MAN FIRST AND THEN THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM SECOND AND THEN COME THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND EAT ME THIRD!!!! AHHHHHH!!! NO I AM WORRIED!!!! AND I CANNOT BE HAPPY ABOUT YOU EATING ME!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!

I can’t explain why this makes me like Taio Cruz even more… actually I can. I like ninjas and he looks like a ninja from the future who is from the 80’s.

I honestly have no clue who this is, but she needs to eat some red meat or she will die in approximately 127 hours.

If you guessed correctly that this is Nickelback then you should feel ashamed of yourself for the rest of the day.

Commencing shame now.

John Legend… liver of the dream. I also envy this man. Take some time and google “chrissy teigen” to see John’s special lady like this…

You may need to take an hour to google Chrissy and make sure to take precautions beforehand because you will have an explosion in your pants and leave your area sopping wet. So… there’s that.

Yeah, I’m totally into Sarah Hyland. She’s a good looking girl, she’s on a good television show, and when she shows up to these red carpets she looks like she would do some dirty stuff in the limo ride to the after party. Like slutty enough to have sex in a car, but not a bathroom, so like sort of classy slutty. Pretty Woman slutty. Although, Julia Roberts would have sex in a bathroom.

Best musical artists so far pictured from this year… LMFAO.

Keep doing what you’re doing. I would honestly not change a single thing about these two. I hope they have exceedingly long musical careers. I thoroughly enjoy the world I lived in from late Summer to early Fall where “The Party Rock Anthem” was playing about every 15 minutes in my life whether by my choosing or not.

If you know who these 4 things are then you might want to jump off a bridge. But please, before doing so, take them with you. I mean kill them first and then possibly yourself.

BOOBS!!!

Hey Audrina, it’s the AMA’s. Yes, could you bring your boobs over here and show them on our red carpet? You can. Great. Knew we could count on you.

I thought he was in jail. Wasn’t he? He’ll probably be in jail soon enough. Didn’t he also make a song that was against the troops earlier this year? That’s incredible that ABC and the AMA’s don’t support the troops and would rather support Soulja Boy. It’s good to know Disney still has their priorities straight especially from being founded by a racist anti-semite. Oh how times change!

I thought Jenny McCarthy was hot before I started going through puberty. But let’s just stick to my puberty and since, there hasn’t been a time when I haven’t thought Jenny was crazy sexually attractive. My first real pornography was Jenny McCarthy pictures from Playboy. Those were stupendous. Nowadays, she apparently is CRAZY and is against vaccinations, but that doesn’t mean she’s any less spank bank worthy. The spank bank doesn’t care about politics.

Wow, Chris Rock is looking good these days. Am I right? Whatever his diet is, he needs to keep to it. I bet he’s eating a lot of acai berries. Those are like cure alls.

Hero.

David Guetta is a hero.

And everything in this picture is perfect.

Have you seen the “Without You” video? Usher and David Guetta recreate Pangea. It’s sincerely an emotionally moving video which I cried during several times. It touched me because I believe they can do it. Through Guetta’s musical masterpieces shifting rock and tectonic plates towards the greater good and Usher’s melodious voice guiding them to each other like a loving rudder. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

They’re just beautiful people… heroes.

Yeah, I watch your show. Suburgatory. It’s like the new Cougartown. What of it?!

I don’t know who she is, but she wants IT.

She would have sex with you in a coat closet.

And that’s the AMA’s!

I have no clue who was nominated and no clue who won and am thankful for that.

How was your weekend?

Did you see a vampire wedding movie?

What were your thoughts?

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