KSWI’s Mid-Season NFL Professional Tackle Football Report – N.F.C.

November 2, 2011



Today, will be an extra extra special day as I will write way too much about the NFL and no one will read it. Yay!

The post doesn’t need two much explanation if you already know that there is this thing called sports and one of the sports in sports is a sport called football and the league that football is played in is called the NFL. To take it a step further, there are two conferences NFC and AFC, which are comprised of 16 teams each. The best/luckiest team of each plays each other in that marketing hailstorm that is the SUPER BOWL. The NFL season is 17 weeks long and the teams play 16 games in those 17 weeks and we’re at the halfway mark pretty much, so today I post.

As noted in the title, the NFC is today’s featured 16 teams of way too much writing.

I’m going to talk about the team then I’m going to talk about their quarterback. In many ways, the quarterback is a metaphor for the team and I’ll try my best to show that.

This post is filled with enough testosterone to make you grow hair on your nuts, the nuts that this post will cause you to grow or to get bigger if you already have them… and hairier.


Dallas Cowboys – 3-4

Wha, wha, whaaaaaaaat? What the HELL is going on with the Dallas Cowboys? It’s like they’re cursed. Listen, I hate the Cowboys. I have my whole life. I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan and I’m the son of a New York Giants fan and between that, I have no love for the ‘Boys. But, seriously, what in the fuck? I watched you win THREE Super Bowls when I was a kid and watched you torment the league and since… you’ve kind of sucked. Fast forward to today, you have seemingly a ton of talent: Tony Romo, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, Dez Bryant, DeMarcus Ware… anyway, but you are 3-4 and just got SPANKED by the Eagles — and rightfully so. Did you watch that game yet? You guys were manhandled. I think we’re all mesmerized by the glitz of all the Cowboys lore, the stadium, the money, the cheerleaders, the whole “America’s Team” that we buy into them without really no reason to like they’re the Ronald Reagan of football. At the same time, when everyone least expects it – that talent will put on a great performance. I don’t trust the flash of the Cowboys because it gets derailed easily. Dez Bryant and Felix Jones will have like 6 great plays then they disappear – after a few shots both are on the sideline riding the bike. They’re not good at battling back and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of mental toughness on the team. They do have a good/great defense right now run by “trucker Moses with diabetes” Rob Ryan. That has improved, but their offense hasn’t.

QB: Tony Romo – I bet Anthony hasn’t won a game of Jenga in his entire life. He is just the most excitable bastard ever. He’s a great athlete who has all the tools to seemingly win ever game, but he doesn’t. It’s really just the intangible product some athletes wear like cologne – “greatness” – and it is what separates champions from just guys who win a bunch and I don’t think Tony has it.

New York Giants – 5-2

Listen up, get your shit together. What was that last weekend? You get roughed up for over 100 yards by Reggie Bush – who does that? You! That’s it. Why?! You have such a good defense. Although, yes, your defense is built to punish quarterbacks. It’s almost like you have too much talent at massacring the QB that you’re cancelling each other out at times – Jason Pierre Paul, Justin Tuck, Osi, Matthias, Canty… QB’s just wet the bed thinking about playing the G-Men. 5-2 isn’t a bad record at all, but one loss is to the Seattle Seahawks and in some countries that is punishable by caning. The Giants and the Cowboys have a lot of similarities – tons and tons of talent on both sides of the ball, but still find a way to lose. They’re not always on the same wavelength these guys. On offense – Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs are good/great running backs especially Bradshaw. Wide receivers – Nicks (when he’s healthy) has a bright future ahead of him and Victor “The Miracle Worker” Cruz is a special human being sprinkled with magical pixie dust to make these wonderful plays. They are a tough team to beat because they have capabilities everywhere, but most importantly they have the foundation each team needs to stay in a game – a running game and a pass rush. That’s the cement to every house – winning the battle of the line scrimmage and they can play with any team in that regard.

QB: Elijah Manning – Good to great on most occasions, but he can fuck up and lose games as well. Eli will always be criticized – ALWAYS. He plays for one of the – if not the – most high profile team in the nation and he’s not a brash asshole to take confidence, but at the same time that only works if you win as well. Eli seems like a quiet guy in general and he plays quietly. He won a Super Bowl for eff’s sake. That wasn’t enough for Giants’ fans. At the same time, it wasn’t enough for Giants’ fans when Phil Simms won 2 Super Bowls. Eli will forever be loved and hated and his lack of emotion is the best and worst thing for that situation. Nevertheless, Eli is a solid QB who has won big games and still can. He’ll have his hiccups too – he’s not built for perfection like his brother, but either way – they have the same amount of rings between them.

Philadelphia Eagles – 3-4

Did you guys see how you played this weekend? … THAT’S HOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY!!1!1!!!! During the off-season, the Philly Eagles looked much like the Philly Phillies throwing around tons of cash and signing the best free agents that money could buy. The Eagles signed bunches of great talent (Nnamdi, Babin, Jenkins, Young et cetera) and they also hired several different coaches and moved other coaches around. With the NFL’s lockout the Eagles didn’t get a chance (like all teams) in trying to work through the kinks in training camp. So, the Eagles started this season with a roster full of guys who never played together or with these coaches and a bunch of coaches who never coached these players or coached these positions EVER. For instance, the former OFFENSIVE line coach who had been so for years, up and decided to become the DEFENSIVE coordinator and THEY LET HIM. Not only that, but they decided to play one of the most high risk, high reward defensive schemes and there were problems. But the NFL season is long and with that longness (that’s what she said) they’ve been working through a lot of their problems, which were part structural, part knowing your limitations and part simply sloppy shitty ass football (I’m looking at you, Ronnie Brown, losing the San Fran game by yourself). The Eagles played exactly like the “Dream Team” they were supposed to be on Sunday in dismantling the Cowboys.

QB: Michael Vick – Athleticism up the wazoo! Vick is absolutely one of the best athletes … well … ever. This team has talent and case in point Vick. The team has a garbage offensive line, but with Vick being mindful of that coupled with his speed, explosive ability and his cannon for an arm – the guy can make every play even if he shouldn’t. The thing with the Eagles/Vick is they/he can manufacture points. If your team’s offense can put points on the board then you’ll win games because your defense will get the job done at some point or the other team will falter for a moment. The Eagles/Vick can score – it’s just can they maintain scoring without their little screw ups in between. But it does seem like they’re making adjustments and playing the way they should.

Washington Redskins – 3-4

So… you were supposed to be good? Is that the word I was thinking of? Good? Yeah, I think it was good. The Washington Redskins were the most overrated underrated team coming into this season. Everyone was saying how no one was saying anything good about the Redskins meanwhile they were saying how good the Redskins were. Who said anything bad about them? It was like some weird mind games they were playing with us. The Redskins have a good to great (at times) defense. They have a really solid linebacking core with the age and wisdom of London Fletcher and the youth and power of Brian Orakpo (you may remember him from those odd Geico commercials, although all Geico commercials are odd). They have two good to great safeties and the rest of the defense is pretty good. If their offense held up their part of the bargain then this team would be fearsome, but they don’t. They tried updating their offense with some new running backs and new wide receivers, but they didn’t sign anyone scary. The Redskins just signed another running back in Tashard Choice from the Cowboys, which also isn’t scary because he just got booted off the Cowboys. The theory is that the coach Mike Shanahan for years could make any running back, regardless of their own talent, a good/great running back because of his coaching brilliance with blocking schemes and designed plays. That is horse shit. The players ran those yards. And it was that he could coach them to get 1000 yards in a season – not to scoff at that too much, but that would be like getting a C in every class.

QB: Rex Grossman/John Beck – No, that is not some weird legal name from a sketchy divorce – the Redskins have a bit of a quarterback controversy because both of these guys… suck? That’s too strong, but neither guy is the guy you want leading your team. “Sexy Rexy” has the tools to be a quarterback and I bet he looks great in practice, but on the field at some point “The Gross-Man” is going to show and cost you a game. We’ve seen him get flustered, we’ve seen him crack under pressure and once he does he stays broke. As for Beck, he really doesn’t have the experience and physically he does bring anything dynamic to the table to make the other team have to respect/fear him. Teams spend all week gameplanning for Michael Vick – teams don’t give two shits about John Beck. The Redskins have no presence at QB and everyone sees that now and teams will take advantage of it.


Chicago Bears – 4-3

Are you going to pay Matt Forte a billion dollars or what? The Chicago Bears have a lot of great players and a lot of names people may have heard of. They have a high priced offensive coordinator in Mike Martz (Super Bowl winning coach with the St. Louis Rams) feeding plays to the diabetic howitzer Jay Cutler. They have the best kick/punt return man ever in Devin Hester who is also a solid wide receiver. They have a generally great defense led by middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. But with all that said, they all don’t matter dick compared to MATT FORTE. Pronounce “Fore-Tay”, Mattie boy is simply an amazing running back. I’m not sure why he isn’t a national treasure – probably because no one gives a fuck about Chicago outside of people from Chicago – because he is easily an elite “running” running back and an elite “receiving” running back, so you can pass the ball to the mofo too. He does it all. He is mobile, agile and he is knock-you-the-fuck-down-ile. At the same time, he’s getting paid less than a million right now and he is the key to every win they have. Hopefully, they pay this kid all the monies because he’s worth it.

QB: Jay Cutler – Jay “Layin’ in the Cut” Cutler is a guy who has all the gifts a QB needs to be a star, but he just doesn’t seem to reach it. I feel like we’re always having the convo – is Jay Cutler for real? That’s the thing with him and this team. He is definitely a way above average QB, but he also falters. Does he have that greatness in him I mentioned before? It’s hard to tell. I feel like saying no, but he makes me question that. A big problem with Jay, Chicago’s O-line and the Martz’s play calling is that Jay takes the most sacks in the league. That’s not a stat you want to be leading the league. He gets hit a lot, which slows him and makes him make bad decisions.

Detroit Lions – 6-2

I love watching this team play, so much that it is difficult to express in words and at the same time it makes me so happy I want to vomit. Ok? You might be reading on the webz that Mr. “House of Spears” Suh is a dirty player. I don’t give a fuck. I sincerely don’t. The dude is violent and physical and he’s brought an intensity to this franchise that may have never existed here and I fucking love it. I love watching him, Avril, Vanden Bosch and so on on that defensive line take after the opposing team’s quarterback like raving psychopaths each and every play. I fucking love it. That’s football. Their linebackers and secondary need some work, but I think they’re slowly getting better. Their team has some THUMP on defense and Jim Schwartz (coach) is a big facilitator in their wild blood thirsty ways and to him – I tip my hat and well done, sir. Defenses are supposed to be mean and Detroit’s defense is mean. Offensively – they play like a young talented team and an emphasis on YOUNG and TALENTED. The team’s basically got two offensive plays: the run and the chuck. The run is handing the ball off to whoever it is this week and have them just do what they can with it. The chuck is their QB Matthew Stafford sitting back in the pocket and just bombing it to their BBBWR (big black beautiful wide receiver) Calvin “Megatron” Johnson and that dude just jumps up and gets it. Problem is – if a team can slow down or stop those two plays then Lions kind of are screwed.

QB: Matthew Stafford – as mentioned “young” and “talented”. That’s this team. They don’t have the wisdom or slowed down style of some of the big powerhouse teams of the league that have been in this for years like the Patriots, Giants, Steelers… this team is playing go big or go home and it is an experience problem. Most of this team is a bunch of young guys that the Lions have done a great job drafting. They have no experience in winning or even in playing well and with that they do hit speed bumps. Already, they’re a better team than they’ve been in well almost franchise history. Everything is exciting and new and so is this team. This is Stafford’s third year in the league, but he was knocked out of his first two seasons and barely played, so he is gaining experience on the job. He is definitely an NFL caliber QB, but he just needs to give it time – STAY HEALTHY – and he’ll settle into being one of the perennial best.

Green Bay Packers – 7-0

ORGASM! It is sex. Watching the Green Bay Packers play football is sex. If you don’t like the Packers then it’s sex with a person who you don’t like, but oh God are they hitting all of your G, D, M, F – ing spots. AM I RIGHT?! The Packers are fucking on fire, they’re cooking with gas, they’re running in stride and all that. They’re playing to win a second Super Bowl and so far they’re the only team going to the Super Bowl. Someone else will end up in the Super Bowl from the AFC, but right now – no one is going to the Super Bowl besides the Packers. Their offense is absolutely breathtaking and their defense is a Bruno Sammartino bear hug. With Charles Woodson and Clay Matthews and the emerging BJ Raji on D, they’re always in it. On offense… well… it starts with…

QB: Aaron “The Champ” Rodgers – The dude is the Champ. He does that hand signal for the belt around his waist and it’s fucking right there – I see it. He is the best quarterback in football – BAR NONE. There’s no ifs and buts about it. On top of that, he has a laundry list of phenomenal receivers from Greg Jennings to Jordy Nelson to Jermichael Finley. Right now, Rodgers is playing the way Peyton Manning played for much of this decade – spreading the ball around and looking invincible doing it. With Rodgers, he has a better overall defense than Peyton ever had and I think Rodgers even has more receiving talent than Peyton did too. I’m expecting to see the Packers in the Super Bowl and barring a season ending injury to Rodgers – you should too.

Minnesota Vikings – 2-6

You’re bad, but you’re not terrible and you might be getting a little better… but let’s call this season a “rebuilding year”. I’m not sure why the Vikings signed Donovan McNabb at the beginning of the season, but they did and it worked out amaz-TERRIBLY. The Vikings have some pieces for the overall puzzle, but they’re definitely missing some. They’re about half a team. They’ve got the running back in Adrian Peterson. The quarterback is coming along with their rookie Christian Ponder looking good in his two games. Let me throw in that I liked a whole lot their rookie last year Joe Webb who is still on the team and wish he had gotten the start, but whatever. Their wide receivers (besides Percy Harvin) need work and so does their O-line. They’ve got the tight end in Shiancoe. On the defense, they’ve got Jared Allen and they’ve got a couple other dudes, but they need more. The team is better and worse than it should be. Either way, work out the kinks this season and look to kick ass next season.

QB: Christian Ponder – The rookie. Christian was supposed to learn the role of QB under Donovan and did by Donovan playing so badly that now Christian is the QB. So learn it up, kid. I didn’t really have too many thoughts about Ponder in the draft, but he’s playing well so far. He’s big, he plays big, and he seems eager to prove himself. He doesn’t have the WOW factor other rookies have had, but he’s got the factor that this could be a guy we’ll see evolve as a strong QB for years to come. Also, it don’t hurt having Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson taking the ball half of the game from you. A team for the possible future, but not the realistic now.


Atlanta Falcons – 4-3

Have you made up your mind yet, whether you’re good or bad? Every damn year with these Falcons, they’re a B, but they’re not an A. Ever since the Falcons drafted QB Matt Ryan, they’ve gotten better, but so has everyone else. That’s the thing. If it was just the Falcons improving then sure, but other teams are evolving too. The Falcons are kind of caught on a conveyer belt towards this mythical greatness and they have trouble achieving it. Great running back in Michael Turner, but he does get injured somewhat frequently. Great wide receivers in Roddy White and now Julio Jones, but maybe they’re too few for teams to worry. The best tight end ever in Tony Gonzalez and it’s tough for me to say he’s slowing down at the end of his career because he’s still producing very well, but he has to be slowing down a little. On defense, they’ve got some nice parts to a great defense like Jon Abraham and the newly signed Ray Edwards, but they’re not consistent. The key to all teams making it is being consistent with being great… doing it every Sunday like it ain’t no thang and so far the Falcons haven’t done that. Their is ok to good, but there are a couple UGLY wins there that they might not win again – like the win over the Eagles.

QB: Matt Ryan – Everyone knows he’s good, but he doesn’t have the mystique about him. They’re not particularly afraid of Matty Ice. He plays crazy well at home, but even then some of those victories are close close close ones. He just seems to be one step away from being in the conversation with Rodgers, Brady, Brees and so on, but he’s not. The next two names on that list would be Rivers and Roethlisberger and then maybe Manning, Cutler, Vick and so on. And that’s who the Falcons are. When people start naming the best teams – they’ll start throwing out the team names of the guys I mentioned. And the Falcons are up there, but someone might need to prompt that person and even then they might give the “I’m not sure if I buy the Falcons as a…” They’re so close, but they’re not it and they know it and the teams that play them know it. Tough, but beatable.

Carolina Panthers – 2-6

I am very attracted to Cam Newton. I am a heterosexual male and have been my whole life, but the way Cam “The Prophecy” Newton plays professional tackle football stirs up an emotional, mental, physical and at times sexual reaction that I cannot control nor would I if I could. It might be too soon and I don’t want to jinx anything, but I love you. With that being said, there is an entire roster of players on the Carolina Panthers outside of Cam Newton, but let’s be FUCKING HONEST FOR A FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE… they don’t even care about themselves – they play for Cam. Cam is the prophetical child, he is Neo, he is Superman, he fights for us and we should all love him.

QB: CAM NEWTON, y’all. CAM NEWTON, motherfuckers. If you love football then watching Cam Newton play football is the greatest masturbatory fantasy ever realized. The guy is the best. Newton is a rookie out of Auburn and the Heisman trophy winner out of Auburn and the fucking King Ding-A-Ling out of college that said he would be the best and a whole bunch (pretty much all) of lazy ass bitch ass NFL reporters all said he was cocky and arrogant for saying so… AND GUESS THE FUCK WHAT?! HE WAS RIGHT AND THEY WERE WRONG! I don’t give a fucking fuckity fuck that this team is 2-6. I don’t. I know Cam does, but I don’t. This team easily could be 4-4 right now or even 5-3. If you watch these games, the dude took the worst team in the league and has made them fucking crazy competitive. They’re IN every game. Should’ve beat the Saints, should’ve beat the Bears, should’ve beat the Vikings. They should’ve won. They also could’ve beat the Falcons. Last year, you wouldn’t have said that about any game the Panthers were in. It’s fucking Cam Newton.

A couple more things… let’s get into race for a minute. The dude is black. He is young, big, athletic and black. Stereotypically we as a racist people associate all that to mean one thing and one thing only – he’s a running quarterback. Now, Cam can fucking run. I’m not taking that from him. He’s the second best running quarterback in the league – second only to Mike Vick and that is debatable. Vick has more yards, but Cam has way more many touchdowns. Cam is eviscerating rookie records by the way in all the good categories. Ok, so this isn’t about the dude as the stereotypical black running quarterback. Who has the most passing yards in the league? CAM FUCKING NEWTON. Going into last weekend he was number 4. NUMBER 4! That’s nuts on its own. 1, 2, 3 are Super Bowl winning quarterbacks Rodgers, Brady and Brees on perennial top contender teams and number 4 right behind them by inches is fucking CAM NEWTON on the worst team in the league… wait… last year’s worst team in the league because CAM NEWTON is now leading this team. Last weekend, Rodgers didn’t play (off week, bye week) and Brees/Brady were shut down in their games. Guess who wasn’t shut down? CAM NEWTON. He’s a freak, a super freak and I love him and I want to put every single second of his game film into frames and decorate my life with it. And… Cam was doing this all in college too. But either these guys didn’t care or they are blinded by race or whatever, but Cam is the real deal. He’s a super human. Cam Newton for President in 2016.

New Orleans Saints – 5-3

Not sure if serious. I don’t know what happened this weekend, but the New Orleans Saints were MANHANDLED by the St. Louis Rams. The Rams who have been severely impotent this entire half-season walked into the Saints game and beat them in every aspect and treated them like they were their prison bitches. So, I don’t know what that means. Was it a fluke? Is this what I should expect from the future? Outside of that game, the Saints look like the Saints. High powered offense, bend not break defense. Their offense is still helmed by runner and gunner, the shredder, Mr. High Tempo himself – Drew Brees. The offense got a crazy great boost with the signing of vastly underused Darren Sproles. The Saints had lost two games coming into the Rams game. They lost to the Packers opening day in the wildest shootout, which was understandable. They lost to the Bucs and that’s sort of understandable as well. But they were in those games, this Rams game though. I imagine they’ll recover, but whew it wasn’t pretty. The Saints are a team that is built on speed and looking to use that to overwhelm you and with that over power you. They do it more often than not, but I do think they are susceptible to what happened on Sunday and that is a more physical team going in there and roughing them up.

QB: Drew Brees – One of the greatest. The guy is one of the best. He just is. There’s no way around it. Like I said, he’s looking to beat you with the speed of his offense and the high tempo of it. He wants you on your heels and he’ll keep coming forward darting in and out and making you guess. When that is happening, then the defense with its speed can really just start running down hill with the lead and overwhelm your offense. They’re built on getting a lead early and just keeping that momentum the whole game. But obviously, they can get caught with a power punch, which gets them off track and sends them backwards. Brees is a rhythm player and so is the team. If you’re dancing to their beat, it’s very difficult to beat them.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 4-3

This is me praying with one hand and/or throttling the idea of the Bucs for playing much worse than they are at times. I don’t know what the deal is with them. Some games they look legit and others they look like shit. That’s about it. But they shouldn’t quit. And I’ll stop at that. They’re having some injury problems this year, but again sometimes that seems to affect them and sometimes it doesn’t. Their quarterback Josh Freeman is both great and terrible. I’m not sure how it works either. The guy is the truth one minute and the next he looks like he doesn’t know what is going on. Their defense is good, but not great. They are team that usually doesn’t let a team run them over, but at the same time San Francisco put an ass whooping on this team so badly that I still have nightmares about it. They are that “any given Sunday” type of team that they could possibly beat anyone, but then on the other hand they could possibly be beat by anyone. They’re caught in the middle. We’ll have to wait and see on how it will shake out. I do like their coach Raheem Morris… probably because he’s from Irvington, New Jersey.

QB: Josh Freeman – He does play like he belongs. But let’s hope he still gets better. The funniest thing about Freeman is that he is one of the best at leading game winning drives, which shows he’s really good at maybe the most difficult part of the game. Josh Freeman is like me at Microsoft Excel – I’m good at all the easy stuff, I’m good at all the expert level stuff, but that middle ground stuff – I’m hit or miss on. They win games they shouldn’t and lose games they shouldn’t. It really wouldn’t hurt if Freeman got some other guys around him and if those guys stayed healthy.


Arizona Cardinals – 1-6

Why? Why?! WHY?! You were kicking the crap out of the Ravens in that first half and then you got the crap kicked out of you by the Ravens in the second half. COME ON! The Cardinals were expected to be pretty good to good this year all because they got their new quarterback, the one they wanted, the one they pined for all last year, the one coach Ken Whisenhunt was willing to trade the farm for… Kevin Kolb. The former back-up in Philadelphia was going to be the golden child for the Cards this year. Last year, the Cards went through I believe 5 starting quarterbacks (maybe 6) throughout the season, which is just disgusting to think about and they still managed to ALMOST make the playoffs. The NFC West is a pretty garbage division usually and definitely were last year. This year, they’ve fallen back. They got the QB they wanted and now they’re worse. In particular, their defense is eh and their offense is vomit. They’ve got a couple ok running backs and they’ve got Larry Fitzgerald at wide receiver who must think he is going through a Book of Job period in his life where God is just testing his faith. Either way, the Cards look like shit.

QB: Kevin Kolb – there is really no way around this, but Kolb isn’t what they thought he was. He hasn’t produced as the tried and true QB they were hoping for. Last year, they had a revolving door of bad quarterbacks, but they still pulled off a few wins and it seemed like all they needed was a decent enough QB and they would rule the roost. So far, Kolb isn’t the cock of that walk. He’s a cock, but not the cock. Not sure what needs to happen in AZ minus winning a bunch of games. If Kolb isn’t the guy then that was a big gamble lost – if Kolb still needs to learn and evolve then losing will be about the only option for awhile. Fuck… they were close though. They almost beat the Ravens. Would’ve been great if they did. Great for them and the upset and for me as a Steelers fan.

San Francisco 49ers – 6-1

You take my breath away. You really do. They have the pieces and now coach Jim Harbaugh is apparently the puzzle master and he’s got all the corner pieces and he’s working this bitch to the center. The 49ers are a whole lot better than I expected. They have pretty much everything. Pretty much everything. The two things they don’t have is the longevity. We haven’t seen this particular bunch do what they’re doing before and we need to see them keep doing it before we can really call them the realest of the dealest. Let’s talk good and bad. The Good – their defense, their running game, their receivers. The defense is playing mean! Remember what I said about mean defenses – I heart them and want to go steady with them. A future Hall of Fame linebacker in Patrick Willis has been commanding the center of that D for several seasons now and now everyone is playing along with him. Their line is just playing crazy physical and it’s just looking good. When Frank Gore, their running back, is healthy he is one of the best in the league, but he is injury prone. Right now, he’s healthy and he’s running mofos over. Their receivers are young and talented and freak athletes led by Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree. They did lose Josh Morgan, which hurts, but they’ll move past it and if Braylon Edwards can get/stay healthy he won’t have to do too much to be productive as the third option out there. Harbaugh has been coaching these boys up real good and they’re 6-1, but if you watched that Cowboys game then you know that the 49ers just fucked that up and should be undefeated. The bad…

QB: Alex Smith – he’s not baaaaaadddd, but I don’t trust him. Alex “Small Hands” Smith was an overall number 1 draft pick who has never lived up to the hype. At this point, he hasn’t played HORRIBLY, but he really isn’t doing a whole lot either. They’ve been winning the games by giving him more manageable situations and he’s been better there. He has 9 touchdowns, which isn’t a ton and 2 interceptions, which isn’t bad, but… “Small Hands” has 5 fumbles and lost 2 of them. It could be worse, but that is what you get with Mr. Smith. He really isn’t “the guy” and if they had “the guy” then this team would be a crazy threat. Alex can certainly lead them to some victories as they already have, but they need to get someone else in there because I don’t think Smith is going to be able to hang with a top QB if the game ends up like that.

Seattle Seahawks – 2-5

You’re still a franchise? The Seahawks did beat the Giants. I don’t know how they did, but they did. They also put 28 points on the Falcons, but lost. I don’t how they did that either. The Seahawks have looked horrible in every other game. They beat the Cardinals, but that game sucked too. The Seahawks have no quarterback to speak of. Their defense isn’t anything to speak of. Their running game isn’t really much to speak of. There’s just not much to speak of. I wish I knew how they won the Giants game to speak about it, but then a bye week later and the Seahawks lost 3-6 (yeah you read that right) to the Browns. I mean what in the fuck? Hockey games have higher scores than that. The Seahawks are not recovering this year. All those Starbucks people need to reinvest in the Seattle Sounders (soccer) because the Seahawks suck.

QB: Charles Whitehurst – Some call him Charles, some call him Charlie, some call him Chaz and others call him “who?” and even more call him terrible. The true starting quarterback was Tarvaris Jackson who may actually be worse than Chaz, but Jackson was knocked out of the Giants game, which happens when you play the Giants. And then somehow Chaz led a touchdown drive on the Giants and they won that game. But Chaz sucks. He’s just not an NFL caliber starting quarterback. With that, this team is just not playing at an NFL competitive level. All though they have the same record as the Panthers, what the Panthers are doing is streets ahead of what Seattle has shittily mustered up.

St. Louis Rams – 1-6

Did you know you could even do that? I didn’t. I didn’t think you could do that this year. Last year, maybe to probably, but this year? I didn’t, but did you? Or even why? Why did that… hmmm… so as mentioned in the Saints stuff above, the Rams had butt sex with the Saints for 60 minutes on Sunday and finished all over their faces. It was a weird game to say the least. The Rams defense highlighted by Chris Long’s 3 sacks of butt fucking power ruled the Saints all damn day. The true star of the game would be the Rams offensive line and the running back juggernaut Steven Jackson who ran for 159 yards, 2 TDs on 25 carries. Mr. Jackson is an odd duck as in he’s supposed to be a top 3 best running back in the league, but he’s more injury prone than Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable. You all saw Steven Jackson’s God like body in ESPN’s body issue, but it gets injured A LOT and with that he never lives up to a full season of his potential. Meanwhile, this big first and only victory of theirs was done without the star of the team – quarterback Sam Bradford. So, what’s up? Well, I’m guessing that game was just pent up frustration and the Saints overlooking them. I don’t expect the Rams to get their shit together too much in the second half of the season.

QB: Sam Bradford – the kid is great. He’s the future. He’s the guy. And he’s apparently in that phenomenon “second year slump”, so much so he even got injured. The Rams played well last year in Bradford’s rookie season and signs pointed to them doing that this year with all their young talent returning on offense and defense, but it didn’t happen. They’ve just been sucking it up. I think that will continue. I think this game was evidence that you can’t sleep walk your way through any game because all teams are filled with lunatic players who can hurt you and run you over, but maybe next year for the Rams.

And… I’m… spent.

That was the first 16. The next 16 will be up later this week.


5 Responses to “KSWI’s Mid-Season NFL Professional Tackle Football Report – N.F.C.”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Curse you Jordan for making me scroll through all that football nonsense just so I can look at pictures of The Wantness during an interview.

    By the way – when did the Seahawks move to the NFC?

  2. Nix said

    So. Football huh? YAAAAaaay…. You enjoy that Jordan. I’m gonna read a book about a BDSM relationship rather 😉

  3. Jordan and Cam, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
    First comes love, then comes marriage (but only in select states and you’ll probably still be heavily persecuted no matter where you are because not only are you gay but this will be an interracial relationship and people are still pretty small-minded even today).
    Then comes the baby in the baby carriage (or maybe you just get a lot of puppies, I don’t know, I don’t want to assume you would want to adopt babies with your gay husband or anything and sometimes it can still be hard for gay couples to adopt).

    I read all of this because you said no one would. I see what you did there. I’m hip to your mind games.

  4. tiffanized said

    Still reading. Plus your site look all wonky on my phone. Did you do something to the layout? I can’t be arsed to go look at it on a real computer.

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