Getting Very Close To Over 100,000 Perverts Served – You’re Welcome

November 3, 2011

If you have finished reading my magnum opus about the NFL’s 16 NFC teams yesterday then congratulations!

If not, then get back to reading it because there will be a test*.

*there won’t be a written test, just an honor’s system test of you breaking my heart by not reading it

Anyway, today will be light because I have another 16 teams to write about for tomorrow.

As the title suggests, I’ve been serving perverts, which isn’t at all surprising.

I’m referring to my magnum opus of video and pictures and sounds and lights and geriatric sex…


I’m circling 100k viewers and that’s hysterical to me.

I think the premise of the video is absolutely timeless considering these ladies are not getting any younger and it only starts to become weird if they die and I don’t think any of them on the list have kicked the bucket since this was originally posted in June 2010.

Oh what a different world it was back then. The President was black, the Steelers hadn’t beaten the Patriots in forever, I was living in New Jersey and I was apparently fantasizing about having sex with women over 60 years old.

Well, not much has changed actually outside of the Steelers. They put a hurtin’ on Tom Terrific last Sunday. Go cry into your Uggs, TOM!

It seems like an awfully slow news week this wee-errr months. What is going on?

Kim Kardashian and that guy got divorced – Not surprising. I mean it was definitely surprising it ended as quickly as it did, but if you were in an office pool and picked their divorce was going to happen after a full year of marriage then you are a gullible idiot. I was thinking like 7 months and they bested that by less than half. Incredible. I think the more amazing and more explainable fun fact is that they still haven’t even known each other by first name basis for a year. So, what I’m saying is – don’t get married! Also, you really shouldn’t get married if you’re a celebrity. A celebrity’s life is one slow evolving orgy where in the end they’re all eskimo brothers, so marriages are a waste of time.

Justin Bieber knocked up an uggle – Well, she’s nowhere near as good looking as Selena Gomez. Put a baby in that. She’s got the Gomez name – Lord knows she’s fertile. Anyway, Justin Bieber didn’t knock up that chick. And that chick never met Justin Bieber. Two reasons I know that… 1. Justin Bieber has yet to go through puberty. How do I know this? Look at him. They’re restricting his diet and holding down his weight like he’s a pop singing Dominique Moceanu. …

*****BREAKING NEWS******

Yeah, that’s Shaq holding up Dominique Moceanu. My childhood is complete.

Oh yeah and the other reason that Justin Bieber didn’t impregnate or meet that chick – if she really met or touched or was talked to or kissed or any of that by the BIEBER then she would have literally screamed until her head exploded. I know a thing or two about what happens Bieber meets young girls and let’s just saying he is leaving a trail of destruction.

Texas judge beats daughter with belt – Ugh. Yeah, I won’t lie – I haven’t watched the video nor do I want to. I don’t want to see some most likely drunk hypocritical Texas judge put in charge of child abuse cases take a belt to his 16 year old cerebral palsy having daughter. That really seems like that would be rain on my wedding day of life. Also, I’m pretty sure there should be people following that judge around because there’s a good chance he will commit suicide over this. Even in Texas it’s going to be a little difficult to find a job after over 2,000,000 people have seen you beat your daughter with a belt. Also, I’m incredibly jealous – over 2 million?! Pfffttt… my poor 100k is nothing compared to the daughter getting beat with a belt 2 million.

Happy Endings is the best TV show – This isn’t new news, but it’s on-going news. If you’re not watching that show then you are hopefully curing cancer between 9:30pm – 10pm on Wednesday nights because anything else is unacceptable. Excellent show. Very funny. I also have a crush on every person on the show. I mean I have a crush on certain cast members more than others (the chicks and the black guy first then the two white guys), but a crush on all of them.

Melancholia – I don’t think I’m going to watch the other hour of that movie. I got through the first hour or so and I don’t care. I read some reviews and people said some things and those were mildly interesting at best, but it’s really not something I’m expecting to force my eyes to sit through. Just like I’m probably not going to watch the second half of Red State. Melancholia so far has been an autistic Kirsten Dunst in a wedding dress with sparse dialogue and a camera so up close I feel like I’m inside their nostrils. Their NOSTRILS! Who cares?

Ambien + Cobra Starship + = Heaven – So, I’ve been taking Ambien for awhile and yeah you do feel a little high like slumber is tickling you from the inside out. I also love dudes beating each other in cages and I have an account on the UFC’s on demand website. Mine is for free because I write for them… humble brag et al… anyway, I’ve seen all these fights before, so it’s not like I don’t know what’s going to happen and it’s not like I need to hear Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg’s thoughts for a second time, so I’ve been putting a soundtrack behind the fights and recently it has been Cobra Starship because I’ve never listened to their albums before. It works out really well. The pop offsets with the violence, which is great. And the overall danciness of the songs really goes well with their movements. Their one song “Fucked in Love” went perfectly with the devastating first round knockout of Sean Pierson at the hands of Jake “The Juggernaut” Ellenberger.


“50 Women over 60” is a love story, an ode, an epic poem, and really just a list of reasonably attractive 60 year old women that men of any age could reasonably put the wood to. It’s classy stuff… really.

Anyway, the taping of the video was the funniest. The funniest for several reasons and least of all that we were all rolling stoned from taking gravity bong hits minutes earlier. It also took awhile because we couldn’t stop laughing. And reading 50 names sounds a lot shorter than it is. AND we shot a ton of additional footage, which I never got around to doing anything with. We shot several different angles of each woman’s name and I sang all the names and my two partners in crime Dawgz and Tiz also read and sang names as well. It was all very weird and stupid fun. The video is shot in Tiz’s old apartment’s kitchen and that is a tyrannosaurus rex cardboard cutout behind me. I imagine once we finished we either got Qdoba or went to a bar, which was our usual. And Tiz’s roommate was there for the event as well. I’m pretty sure she must think I’m the most quite, polite, lunatic. Also, Tiz couldn’t be in the room while we filmed because he would start cracking up after two names were read in sequence where as Dawgz and I could get through like 4 or 5 before cracking up.

And just remember… I thought of a list of 50 men over 60 first. FIRST.

How are you?


3 Responses to “Getting Very Close To Over 100,000 Perverts Served – You’re Welcome”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan, I see you too are doing the Suburgatory/Happy Endings combo on Wednesday nights. It’s much good fun – Jane Levy and Elisha Cuthbert back to back is Can’t Miss TV.

    And thank you for including Mrs. Huxtable on your list. I have had a thing for her since I was in the 7th grade. Claire indeed!

  2. Ah yes, the origin of “Bilfy Brumark”.

    How can you say it’s a slow news day when Kim Kardashian UNFOLLOWED Kris Humphries on Twitter today?!?! AND there are currently two dudes in Morristown stuck in a crane bucket 8 stories in the air waiting to be rescued by helicopter. SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN EVERYWHERE.

  3. cledbo said

    I was trying to find that LOL saying Kim cheapens marriage more than the gays ever could (true) but got sidetracked pissing myself laughing to this.

    Congratulations on your upcoming milestone, most gentlemanly purveyor of fine older women I know. Salut!

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