KSWI’s Mid-Season NFL Professional Tackle Football Report – A.F.C.

November 4, 2011

Happy Friday!

Kristen Stewart was playing in wet cement yesterday!

She wanted IT!

FOOTBALL!

And that’s about the only intro you’re getting today…

It’s the motherfucking AFC’s time in the spotlight, so let’s get into this shit…

EAST

Buffalo Bills – 5-2

You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me giddy, my heart flutter and sometimes my pants tight. YES! I’m talking about the Bills of Buffalo and they are legit, y’all. There were moments last season, but they were just moments. For instance, the Bills should have beat the Steelers last year if it wasn’t for wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropping the easiest catch he could have made that day. Nevertheless, the Bills have done what many teams fail at doing – taking the surprising goodness you had last season and making it consistently good this season. Not that the Bills don’t have a defense because they do and they play pretty well – they have some good talent on D and some of that talent has injury issues – , but the Bills are an offensive team. They are a fast and loose and moving the ball type of team. The three pillars of that offense are QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, RB Fred “Action” Jackson, and WR Stevie Johnson. Mr. “Action” is right at the top tier of the pyramid of best running backs in the league. Last week against the Washington Ballskins, Jackson ran for 120 yards and that wasn’t enough for him so he also caught for 74 yards. He’s a ball mover as mentioned. Lastly, but not least is the quarterback…

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick – is a wonderful enigma. Fitzy went to Harvard. Yep. He was the first Harvard grad to start as a quarterback in the history of the NFL. On top of that, when Fitzy came into the league from Harrrvard, he was primarily a running quarterback. Yep. As hard as it is to believe that at the time arguably the fastest guy in the league was the white lightning from Harvard, Fitzy’s greatest trick was to become a real quarterback. Fitzy wasn’t a heralded big deal QB and he was drafted by one of the worst teams in the league and throughout this trial by fire Fitzy has gotten better, much better and with that he is now leading this bunch as their rightful leader and leading them to big wins against big teams. They are a complete legitimate threat for each and every team they play and it has to do with Fitzy and his supporting staff like Jackson, but it’s just amazing considering where they came from. They hold wins over the Patriots, Raiders, Chiefs, and Eagles and their two losses (Bengals/Giants) were by field goals. Fitzpatrick plays a gunslinger style football where he is putting up as many points as he can and that’s why they are so good. As mentioned, teams that can put up points are the threats and the Bills are that threat.

The Bills are playing the Jets this weekend in Buffalo, so root for the Bills because why the fuck not? I’m supposed to see the Bills play the Jets in the rematch in New Jersey at the end of November where I will be quietly rooting for the Bills so as not to have to fight a whole bunch of Jets fans from Staten Island. Also, the Bills are a good team to choose if you’re just picking a team to like with a Harvard quarterback who looks like a crazy truck driver … they’re the hipster favorites.

Miami Dolphins – 0-7

You know this is for real, right? Like the lockout is over and these games mean something, right? Like this could cost people their jobs, right? The Miami Ballphins aka Dolphins are a disturbing team to watch play football. There really are no positives coming out of Miami unless we are living on a bizarro planet that enjoys losing more than winning. The franchise is still suffering from losing Dan Marino several decades ago. They still can’t find a quarterback to not only replace him, but to be fit enough to tie the legend’s shoes. As far as the running game, well they sold off their veteran RBs in Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown for some reason and replaced the two with the one Reggie Bush. I’m not a Reggie Bush hater – never have been and never will be. I think he is a wildly athletic guy who knows how to play football, but these teams don’t want to use him the way they should. Bush for the most part was used correctly in New Orleans, but after a season ending injury was kind of forgotten about and then let go. Bush is not a running back as much as he is a wide receiver. He shouldn’t be taking a hand off and running through the line of scrimmage, but he should be lining up as a wide receiver and catching a quick slant pass. At the end of the season, if he played for me he would have 1,000 catches via this method and I think he would produce quite a bit of yards. Anyway… Miami’s defense isn’t bad, but they’re not mythically amazing to make up for the offense and its shittyness. As for the wide receivers, Brandon “Borderline” Marshall has the tools to be the best, but he has forgotten how to catch passes, which is a pretty big portion of the game. The coach Tony Sparano has said he has zero answers about how to fix the team, which is the least amount of answers he could possibly have. He’ll get fired at some point, it’s just a ticking clock now and apparently he did put his house up for sale. There’s a lack of leadership, spirit, and willingness to win on this ball club and it’s sad because it really isn’t a lack of talent – it’s a lack of mental strength. Maybe Dr. Phil can donate a $1 million to the Dolphins become part owner and then coach these fools to win a damn game.

QB: Matt Moore? or is it JP Losman yet? – No team with a “quarterback controversy” is a good team. These QB’s are not particularly good, but it really isn’t their fault entirely. As mentioned, if the wide receivers won’t catch the ball that hit their hands then what can the QB do about it? Nothing. There’s just a lack of fire and energy in this club and these guys aren’t the guys to bring that about. Nothing against them personally, it’s just not working out.

New England Patriots – 5-2

You’re great as much as I hate to admit it… each and… every… GOD… DAMN… YEAR! I hate the Patriots. I hate Tom Brady. I hate Tom Brady as the guy who is the quarterback for the Patriots because the Steelers have to compete with the Patriots, but objectively if I take step back for a moment Tom Terrific is one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and no amount of Uggs commercials can take that away from him. But… the Steelers did whoop the Pats (finally!) last week and that made me orgasmic happy. Anyway, the Patriots are still one of the best teams in the league only bested so far by the Steelers and the Bills. Besides that, Tom Brady is having a phenomenal year yet again throwing the ball to who the fuck ever and scoring TDs doing so. The receivers are a mix of great tightends like Gronkowski and Hernandez plus the wide receivers like Deion Branch and all being lead by the perennial amazingness of Wes Welker. I didn’t mention Chad Ochocinco in any of that because the dude has done dick this season. I like him as a human being and as a human being he keeps getting better, but as a receiver he appears to be getting worse. The running game isn’t bad at all with BenJarvus Green-Ellis aka “The Law Firm” and their young guy Ridley and I hope they keep old ass man Kevin Faulk because the guy can still play. Their defense is hit or miss. They’ve got some talent out there like Wilfork, Chung, Mayo, McCourty, but they have failed to be dominant week in and week out, so they’re good to great, but they’re also completely beatable. The team is still under head coach Bill Belichick and they still look particularly great out there.

QB: Tom Brady – if you haven’t seen the Uggs commercials then youtube them because they’re hilarious. What’s to be said about Tom that hasn’t already be said about his 3 Super Bowl rings or the perfect regular season or any of his seasons. The dude is one of the best. He is a playing Hall of Famer at this point and has been for a couple years now. I hate him because I’m not a fan of the Patriots, but as mentioned objectively I love the guy’s abilities and I love his style – he’s the whitest dude ever who has a baby’s mama and is now married to an international Brazilian supermodel, which he is filling up with babies too. On the field, he’s near robotic with his perfection and then he’s also pretty emotional too, which is scary because who wouldn’t be scared if a robot started yelling at them.

New York Jets – 4-3

This is Kristen Stewart doing the jerking off motion and that’s what I think of the Jets. I hate the Jets. I’m a proud hater of the Jets at that. I grew up in New Jersey and whether the Jets were good or bad their asshole fans were still asshole fans and that never stopped. As for the good years? They just showed up. The Jets have sucked every year except that one Super Bowl way back in 1806 and they weren’t supposed to win that game. Recently, under amateur foot fetish film director Rex Ryan’s leadership the team is a legitimate threat… I guess. They’re good, but in no way are they great. In the “any given Sunday” world – you don’t have to be great to win and they aren’t. Their defense is over hyped because they do have the GREATEST defensive back in the league in Darrelle Revis. Revis is a one man team out there who gets shit done each and every week and what he gets done is consequential each and every week. The rest is just an average defense out there. Their linebackers are pretty good, their D-line is adequate, the rest of the DBs are ok this year. The other side of the ball… well they kind of suck. They have trouble running the ball and then they have trouble passing the ball. With that being said, the team is filled with a ton of professional athletes who may not get the job done every down, but if you let them hang around and let them get 4 or 5 tries at it then they’re going to get it right and now you’ve lost the game. The Jets just hang around in games and then get a win, but if a team is punishing them then they lose. The Jets are like that guy at the party who is just the last to leave and if a girl is still there then she’s going home with him just because. Also, it’s hard to say this is a stat or anything, but they’re the luckiest team on the planet.

QB: Mark Sanchez – “Dirty” is not playing great. He’s not even playing well in some of these games. But he doesn’t really have to play great in these wins. He has the tools to play quarterback. He’s young, athletic, has a good arm and everything, but he doesn’t have that edge that quarterbacks above him have. There is much better in the league and much much much worse. I would say he is the least of the best. Once you name all the good quarterbacks then Sanchez will be the last of them before we start dredging up the average ones and then the bad ones. That’s also how I think the Jets are. If a team doesn’t go out and beat the Jets then the Jets have that hanging around just need one score kind of style and they pull off wins that way. I hate them.

NORTH

Baltimore Ravens – 5-2

I don’t want to say it, but you know. You know that you got away with something last week. You know it and I know it. Also, the week before, you got manhandled by the Jacksonville Jaguars. I don’t know what is up with you. I’m giving the silent treatment to Joe Flacco because he looks pretty terrible. Right now Flacco and Sanchez are neck and neck for worst quarterbacks on best teams. The defense – you’re playing your typical “best in the league” style defense and you look great doing it. As for the running game, Ray Rice from Rutgers you are a gem. You are a glimmering diamond in the shit storm that is Joe Flacco’s quarterbacking. If it weren’t for Ray Rice then this team would have a few more losses. When Ray is moving the ball the team becomes the juggernaut we expect them to be. When it is left in Joe Flacco’s hands the team becomes wildly beatable. Flacco’s got some decent receivers out there, but he can be rattled, pressured and flustered. The defense is wonderful and the reason why this team is at all talked about. If that wasn’t their defense then we wouldn’t think of the Ravens. Raymond Lewis, Edward Reed, Terrell Suggs, Nagata, Mount Cody, Johnson et cetera. It’s a line up of killers and they are so fun to watch. They embody what professional should be. Mean and consistently mean at that.

QB: Joe Flacco – I talked about him up there and also take whatever I said about Mark Sanchez and apply it to Flacco as well. They are the least sexy quarterbacks (I mean on the field – Sanchez does have a Havana Nights charm about him), but they can win ball games. They can cost them too. He’s got upside and just as much downside. Both still need a lot of coaching and fine-tuning to be much better. Either way, I hope the Ravens don’t get their shit together for this week because they’re playing the Steelers. After that, I wish them luck. But this weekend, I wish them pain and a devastating loss.

Cincinnati Bengals – 5-2

On one hand, you’re playing so much better than anyone expected. On the other hand, you’re the fucking Bengals, so we’re kind of just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Bengals have one really impressive win over the Bills and they have one really depressing loss against the Broncos. The rest isn’t anything special. The Bengals’ are being fronted by a rookie quarterback in Andy Dalton from TCU who I didn’t think would play this well at all. They have a rookie wide receiver in AJ Green who does a great job catching those balls from “The Red Rifle”. They’ve got the typical “no name” defense out there who is scrappy and fast and can give a team fits. Their running game has been fair to nothing to speak of with Cedric Benson who will disappear for parts of the season (not alluding to jail time, but sure) and then will also win a game or two by himself. I still think this team is in for a world of hurt come second half of the season. They haven’t convinced me otherwise of that. They still have to play the Ravens and the Steelers twice and that right there will be a bigger test than all the games they’ve played thus far. Lastly, their owner Mike Brown is being heralded by some and being shit on per usual by others because his spite paid off. Former starting QB Carson Palmer didn’t want to play for the Bengals anymore and had 1 more year on his contract. Brown wouldn’t trade him, so Palmer took an early retirement. It was a spite move on both parts. By a stroke of luck, the Raiders’ QB Jason Campbell breaks his clavicle a couple weeks ago and their coach Hue Jackson comes calling for Palmer and is willing to give up the world for him. The Bengals get the world for him (two high priced draft picks) and people pat Brown on the back. Fuck Mike Brown. That asshole didn’t know that would happen and he’s a terrible owner. Fuck him.

QB: Andy Dalton – “The Red Rifle” is playing better than I expected that ginger to play. There’s a lot of season left and we’ll see how he does against the adversity from the perennial top contenders of his own division. He’s providing the team some energy and so forth, but don’t mistake that he’s the next Drew Brees or anything just because he has 5 wins. A lot of these wins have to do with their defense and overall team play, but Dalton is playing well and we’ll see if that can continue.

Cleveland Browns – 3-4

They’re 3-4? 3?! and 4? The Cleveland Browns are the worst 3-4 team in the history of the NFL. Their defense isn’t playing amazingly and their offense for the most part looks like shit. But they’re 3-4 somehow. Let’s get the good out of the way… they have 3 wins. Those 3 wins are against horrible ball clubs in the Seahawks, Dolphins and Colts, but they’re 3 wins, so they count. Colt McCoy is their starting quarterback and the guy is trying his damnedest. Josh Cribbs is a wide receiver, punt returner, running back or something, but the man makes at least one play every game that results in a touchdown it seems. The bad is just about everything else. The defense isn’t particularly good. There’s just not a whole lot of talent on this team on either side of the ball and the one talented guy they did have decided to commit career suicide. Running back Peyton Hillis decided to do the dumbest thing any NFL player could possibly do and that is be on the cover of the Madden Football game. Yep. I believe in the Madden curse because I believe in what I can see and from I’ve seen – every player on the cover of the Madden game has a catastrophic season. Hillis is that guy and he’s in the middle of it right now. He’s been injured, lost confidence with his team, lost confidence with the league, is openly hated at this point and is certainly no where near where he was last year. Last year, he beat the Patriots nearly by himself. This year he’ll be lucky to be apart of the team by year’s end. Don’t fuck with the Madden curse.

QB: Colt McCoy – I like the dude. He’s on a shit team and he doesn’t care. Colt was born and raised to play football despite anything else in life and the kid does it. Every Sunday you will see Colt playing his nuts off trying to make plays while stuck in the quicksand that is the Cleveland Browns. They haven’t been good since Jim Brown left in the early 1700’s and Colt is just playing his nuts like I said trying to pretend like none of that matters. I hope Colt gets picked up by another team although I’m not sure if the Browns would let him go. Like if Colt was on the Dolphins or the Redskins – they would be 100x better. Just saying. I like you, Colt McCoy.

Pittsburgh Steelers – 6-2

I. Love. You.

I Love You.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of the team I love because that just seems weird, but I love the Steelers always and forever and especially after they beat the New England Patriots. I’m hoping with that love that the Steelers will continue that lovingness and beat the FUCK out of the Baltimore Ravens this weekend to make up for getting run over by them in the first game of the season. I love the defense, I love the offense, I love the coach Mike Tomlin, I love old man defensive coach Dick LeBeau. I just love me some Black and Gold. By the by, fuck Wiz Khalifa – it’s a good song, but they’re not yellow – they’re GOLD.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger – Large Benjamin. I’m a fan. This big Frankenstein motherfucker with the gray penis is my quarterback and I couldn’t be happier. I hands down believe Ben is one of the top quarterbacks in the league. He doesn’t have the patience or machine like abilities that Peyton and Brady have, but he has the same skill set. Ben likes to move around and play around and have some fun and with that it works out most of the time as magical and other times it works out as sacks and sadly a few strip sacks. Either way, the guy is a phenomenal athlete and a better quarterback than I could have ever hoped for in my life to lead these beautiful black and gold warriors. Last week, Ben showed he can play just like Manning and Brady – he just doesn’t all the time. I hope he’s got another big game in him as they are playing Ravens this week and the man hates to lose and I doubt he’ll let this team go 0-2 against the Ravens. Black and Gold.

SOUTH

Houston Texans – 5-3

You’re gooooood, but you’re also kinda bad. The Texans are an enigma to themselves and to the rest of the teams in the league. They’ve got one of the best running backs in the league in Arian Foster and when he’s in there and healthy the guy can win them games on his own. Their QB is Matt Schaub who is a really solid quarterback who is better than Flacco, Sanchez and a load of others even if his win/loss record doesn’t say so. They have one of the best wide receivers in Andre Johnson, but Johnson is injury prone and has sat out every game since their win over the Steelers back in week 4. Johnson is a big time threat when he’s in the ball game – it’s just that he’s rarely in it. The rest of the receivers are ok, but nothing to write home about. Schaub makes it work more often than not as he is a good quarterback. The defense did get a much added boost with the addition of Wade Phillips as the new defensive coach. The problem this year with the defense is their best defensive player Mario Williams is out for the season. There is some talent on that D and Wade is doing a good job with them. The Texans are more or less the AFC’s Atlanta Falcons where every year you are wondering “is it this year they make that step?” And that’s what’s going on this year. Generally speaking, I think they need a new head coach because Kubiak has gotten them this far, but no farther. Sure they could add some personnel like more WRs and such, but maybe they need a new spark in the head chair.

QB: Matt Schaub – As mentioned he’s better than those other guys I talked about and he’s also similar to the Atlanta Falcons and Matt Ryan. He’s the guy. He is. He’s a professional starting quarterback who can make all the throws, can lead a team, can win and so on. He just hasn’t done it as effectively as he should and has never done it in the playoffs. It’s a tough thing being stuck under an invisible ceiling and not exactly sure what needs to happen to break through it. A lot of those intangible problems falls onto the coaches and that’s why I say get a new head coach. I think the Texans could lure a few former Super Bowl winning coaches out of retirement. They’ve got so much talent and a lot of desire to just get to that next step. That team just needs a little boost and they’ll be something. But right now, they’re still not great.

Indianapolis Colts – 0-8

I don’t even want to look at you. Awful. Well, that’s actually not entirely true… no wait I just remembered the spanking by the Saints. Awful. The Colts are not “The Colts”. Peyton Manning hasn’t thrown a ball in a year and it shows because the Colts are 0-8 with Curtis Painter as their quarterback. They are a shell of themselves. There was always this thing about how much does Peyton Manning make the guys around him better and they’re fucking 0-8 without him. Since Dungy left, Manning has been more or less the player coach too. He’s the guy who calls the plays and everything. Peyton Manning ran the offense and the coaches ran the defense. Offensively there is nothing to speak of. And their defense shows sparks of life for a minute or two, but then at some point the fact that the offense can’t help them out any just ruins the defense and they’re slaughtered. Ugh, it’s just disgusting to think about.

QB: Curtis Painter – Well, he’s in there. That’s about it. He’s thrown some touchdowns, but not too many and well he’s just not good. This team will continue to suck with Painter in there and that’s it. Colts fans should pick up a new hobby this year like learn another language because they will get absolutely no solace in watching football. As for Peyton, who the fuck knows? It is really up in the air as to what this means for his career. He says he’s recovering, slowly, but you can’t have that many surgeries on your neck in less than a year and really expect to play football can you? It’s not just about making the pass, it’s about taking the hit too. I feel like in some ways Peyton Manning has played his last football game even if he hasn’t. Peyton is easily a Hall of Famer – not sure what happens from here.

Jacksonville Jaguars – 2-6

So, you beat the shit out of the Ravens, but you’re ultimately a pretty garbage team. I have a theory about professional football teams that revolves around that mean defense idea. If you can’t be a good team then you might as well be mean. I would like my team to be both mean and good, but good is hard to come by. Meanness is something all teams should have. It’s fucking pro-football for Christ’s sake – it’s a mean sport. Anyway, the Jaguars are a perfect team to be mean and not good because they’ve got not good down pretty well with their utter lack of offense. But their defense can be mean. Their defense used to be mean and then this off season they spent a ton of money revitalizing their defense and they’ve shown up a couple times and have been mean. The best display of that was the Ravens game. The Jaguars played like men out there. They were fucking rough like a sand paper bear hug. It was a fun game to watch. The Ravens are mean and the Jaguars were like fuck it we’re mean too. If you’re not going to win then the least you can do is make the other team pay for beating you. Make them regret beating you. Make them hurt, make them tired, fight them every down and make them wish the game was shorter. I’m not saying be cheap or dirty – I’m saying just fucking go out there and fight the dude in front of you. You’re still allowed to do that. Take your loss out on the team in front of you. The Jags have that ability to do that – it’s just will they. Either way, the team sucks as far as winning games goes.

QB: Luke McCown – well at least for this week. As mentioned, any team with a “quarterback controversy” is a shitty team. The only time there is controversy is when you suck and the other guy sucks too and the team can’t figure out, which one of you suckers should suck it up on Sunday. Who will be the face of our losing franchise? For the Jags, it was Luke then they put in Blaine Gabbert and now they’re putting Luke back in. I don’t really get putting Luke back in because he sucks and at the very least Blaine’s suckiness can be partially blamed on him being a rookie with zero experience. Whatever. The team isn’t good and won’t be until they get a QB. As for their running back Maurice Jones Drew – he’d be an NFL icon on just about every other team in the league, but he’s stuck in Jacksonville.

Tennessee Titans – 4-3

Uhhhhhh… errrrrrr… hmmmmm… You’re 4-3, which is remarkable, but you’re also terrible. You’re both equal parts good and terrible. You’re not really good, you’re just like sort of good, but you’re also terrible. You beat the Ravens… somehow. You got the SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU by the Texans… somehow. Your running back Chris Johnson got an enormous pay day and then forgot how to play football. You have a new quarterback in Matt Hasslebeck who at times is playing great. You have a defense that is ok one minute and HORRIBLE the next. You’re under a new head coach and your team was more or less blown up last year and your best wide receiver is out for the season. You got some problems and at the same time you’re in a HORRIBLE division this year. The Texans are probably going to win it, but you’ve got a shot. The Colts and the Jags won’t be going anywhere that’s for sure. You’re only one game back on the Texans and who knows with them. But you did just get the SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU by them, so maybe I’m putting too much faith in you by saying you have a shot.

QB: Matt Hasslebeck – You may remember this man from his days in Seattle. Well, after the season was over last year, many including myself thought that one playoff victory over the Saints was a last hurrah and Matt was going off into the sunset of retirement. Instead he went to Tennessee. Matt’s actually playing real well in an environment he shouldn’t be. Apparently he’s still got some gas in the tank and it’s showing. But it’s really not his fault they lose and those 4 wins are completely his doing. They’re an ok team. That’s about it.

WEST

Denver Broncos – 2-5

So, let me get this straight – Kyle Orton goes 1-4 and then Tim Tebow goes 1-1 and you already want Orton back? Is it Orton you want back or just Tim Tebow gone? I don’t get it. Nothing against Kyle Orton, but I’ve watched the dude lose as the quarterback for this team for a few years now, so why stay the course with him? At least with Tebow, it is a new way of losing. But what we do know for a certainty is that the Broncos suck. For whatever reason, the Broncos hired Jon Fox from the shitty ass last year’s Carolina Panthers to be the head coach of this shitty ass team. It’s another quarterback controversy team and like the rest they fucking suck. I don’t know how they beat the Bengals, but they did and God bless them for it. Their defense isn’t particularly good, their receivers aren’t particularly good (they actually traded the best one to the Rams a couple weeks ago) and the running game isn’t particularly good. So why not throw Tebow in there? At least he makes it interesting and the newspapers are talking about you. There’s no internet phenomena called Ortoning – you know.

QB: Timothy Tebow – Well, he’s not good. But I say let him play. He’s not good at what they’re having him to do and that is playing quarterback, but I think Tebow can be productive the way he was in college. At University of Florida, Tim Tebow scored just about every damn touchdown he could – scratch that – he did score every touchdown he could. The guy is easily top 5 greatest college football players ever and I hate the Florida Gators. But it’s the truth. I don’t think every QB has to be a pocket passer especially if he’s on a losing team. Let him fucking mix it up and run around and make jump passes and run the option and all that. Who cares?! You’re losing anyway – you might as well have fun doing it. Meanwhile, Brady Quinn hasn’t been mentioned once, which I like because I do not like Mr. Quinn. Mr. Quinn has been hanging out and being the best boyfriend he can be to his hot gymnast girlfriend Alicia Sacremone, which is the smartest fucking thing to do in his situation.

Kansas City Chiefs – 4-3

Well, that was quite the trick you played on us. You went out there in your first three games and lost them and in the process lost a few of your best players for the season due to injury. Then you turned around and won your next 4 games and all of a sudden your defense is a bunch of badasses and your offense isn’t half bad. That was quite an odd, but I guess clever rouse you pulled on us KC Chiefs and coach Todd Haley. After the first three weeks, I’m pretty sure everyone wrote off the Chiefs for this entire season. Now, they’re 4-3 and they’re looking pretty good doing it. They ran over the hapless Raiders in their QB controversy game and now they just won a lucky game against the Chargers. I say lucky because that snap that Philip Rivers bobbled at the end of the fourth quarter was all luck. The rest of the game was played well – it could have been better, but they played well. Good defense, the running game isn’t what it was without Jamal “Slippery” Charles, but they’ve still got some runners back there and their passing game has potential.

QB: Matt Cassel – He’s one of those guys that we’re like “is he the guy?” and we’re still not sure. Matt shows glimpses of greatness, but it is certainly not 4 quarters of it. He disappears from time to time. But he’s not bad. He’s not bad at all. He needs some help from his friends to win most of these games, but that’s fine when those friends are up to the task. If Cassel was just a little bit better than this team would be a real threat. Right now, they’re a team you have to watch out for, but Cassel is the weak link in the chain. An opposing team can beat Matt, which gives their offense the chance to beat that KC defense. When Matt plays well, they’re flying.

Oakland Raiders – 4-3

I want to vomit. I kind of want to vomit. I feel nauseous. Seeing Darren McFadden get injured was the most nauseating experience for me and I don’t even care about the Raiders that much. But right then and there, that was the Raiders’ season. Losing Jason Campbell didn’t help matters either. The Raiders’ running back Darren McFadden was the best running back in the league up until he got hurt. The Raiders’ defense was playing well and mean and so forth, but it was McFadden’s leagues that won them those games. Their QB Jason Campbell was doing better, but Campbell isn’t a great QB – he’s thoroughly average as the stats prove. But the Raiders were surprising a lot of teams with McFadden and his helpers like Marcel Reese and Michael Bush. Now, with McFadden hurt – who knows what the Raiders can accomplish.

QB: Carson Palmer – I talked about it in the Bengals piece, but Carson Palmer was eventually traded to the Raiders to take up the quarterback position for Jason Campbell after he got hurt. But the problem is that who gives a fuck about their quarterback when it was Darren McFadden winning those games? In Palmer’s first game he threw 3 interceptions after back-up Kyle Boller threw three interceptions. Sure that was Palmer’s first game with the Raiders, but it won’t be his last like that in my opinion. The Raiders were doing well with McFadden and him only. Once he was removed from the puzzle it changes the entire dynamic of the team. Palmer went from an interesting prospect of not having to do too much by having McFadden to carry the majority of the offense and then Palmer just filling in every once and awhile. But without McFadden, Palmer will be the show. I don’t have high hopes. They’ll win some games, but unless McFadden comes back at full strength then the hope of this season is gone for them.

San Diego Chargers – 4-3

You are good one minute and you suck the next. The Chargers just don’t have it. They have a lot of talent, but there’s just no spark or consistency. A good defense and a good offense, but they’re losing games they should win. They should have beat the Jets. They should have beat the Chiefs. They should be 6-1, but they’re not and with that other teams will take advantage of them too. It’s really just an odd predicament that the Chargers live in. Some years they lose all their opening games and then come back strong at the end of the season. Rivers is a quarterback who can win games all by himself, but it’s just tough for him to do that always and if he does screw up like the fumbled snap against the Chiefs then they’ve got nothing left. It is on Rivers’ shoulders and he’s not perfect. They’re a good ball club, but they can be beaten. Their mystique is gone from not achieving when they should. They’ve got a tough second half of the season to contend with, so it won’t be easy for the Chargers this year. But as mentioned, their in a division of teams where one can beat the other and it’s a real toss up of who will come out on top. They’ve got a shot.

QB: Philip Rivers – he’s one of the best. He’s right there in those discussions of top 5 QB’s in the league. It’s on him. He leads this team and what he accomplishes is what they accomplish and what he doesn’t is what they don’t. That’s pretty much it. It’s simple enough. With it all being on Rivers’ shoulders, I’m sure he is missing Darren Sproles a lot because Sproles could manufacture points on his own. No one has filled Sproles’ role and it’s just Rivers out there. Good team, but beatable, but still has a chance to be in the playoffs because football is crazy.

And that’s the NFL folks.

I’m spent.

I hope you have a great weekend.

One Response to “KSWI’s Mid-Season NFL Professional Tackle Football Report – A.F.C.”

  1. Elle said

    I love your football analysis, You NEED to do this for college football! Please, pretty please?

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