It’s Monday and I’m Alive and So Are You If You’re Reading This

November 7, 2011

As the title suggests, it’s Monday and we’ve all survived.

The all of us that are here at this very moment at least.

I am still more or less in a near suicidal depression after last night’s last second loss to the Ravens. The Steelers took the lead with a little over two minutes left and pinned the Ravens inside the 5 yard line. And then the Steelers decided it was cool to let the Ravens march 96 yards in just over two minutes to score a touchdown and win the game. So yeah… that was fun to watch. “Fun” like force feeding yourself processed white flour and sugary foods until you paint a public restroom in your runny diarrhea.

Eat healthier. Tip of the day and all that.


Actually, I don’t feel suicidal. I know what that feels like though. I actually felt suicidal this weekend and it had nothing to do with football. I can pin point the exact time considering it was just a couple days ago, but I reached a new low as far as how devoid of hope I could reach in life and there was a moment where I thought taking my own life could be the only way out instead of living in this Godless world…

Of course, I’m referring to me watching Saturday Night Live.

If there is a show or a thing that exists that is a more greater metaphor for the sheer hopelessness a world would be without imagination or love and instead just rampant failure that people find no shame in and feel it is almost their right to continue failing and being rewarded for it… well that’s Saturday Night Live.

Fuck, Occupy Wall Street. These people need to head up town and take down NBC. Leave Community, Parks and Rec, The Office and Jimmy Fallon alone, but the rest should be hunted liked Frankenstein’s monster and then drawn and quartered like William Wallace.

No joke… I have been to funerals that are funnier than the last 3 or 4 years of Saturday Night Live combined.

What else is going on?

Well, I watched The Walking Dead as well last night. It is funny that a zombie apocalypse show lifted my spirits after watching my team lose in a football game. But it did. I have to say that I loved the pharmacy run between the farmer’s daughter and our resident Asian Sensation. For once, an actress who appeared like she wanted IT went out and fucking got IT. Also, that is a good lesson to the rest of you ladies in this world. If you’re with a dude and you’re thinking “We should have sex” then try to get him in a room or in a secluded area for a few minutes and then tell him “I’ll have sex with you” because there is like a 95% chance he’ll say “Yes”.

That chance will get raised to 98% chance if you just start taking your clothes off like the girl from The Walking Dead did.

The only 2% chance I see stopping all of this…

1% – he’s gay. Seriously, I think we’ve found all of them. There was like one 40 year period where gays were created and they were sent to all the corners of the Earth to see if we had the gaydar to figure out which ones were which, but I think we Pokemon-ed them and got them all. I mean they can continue to do whatever it is that they do – lead fascinating lives of un-ending sexual opportunities around every corner, dance freely to pop music without any judgement, use the word “bitch” and everyone loves it, dress like Prince – we’ve just figured them out.

1% – he’s from the future and knows that the sex you are about to have will create a demon baby that will cause an uproar in the secret vampire world and will also cause the werewolves to get PMS-y.

So… a 95% or 98% chance is pretty good. The only reason I say there is a 3% chance he might not sleep with you if you don’t start stripping is like he might be married or be highly paranoid that he’s on a reality television show like The Truman Show and this is all one elaborate prank to make a fool of him. But you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with those guys… probably.

Speaking of nudity…

I’m apparently not watching the right TV shows.

Up until last week, I had never heard of a TV show Boss.

Honestly, I still haven’t “heard” of it because until 10 minutes ago I didn’t know what it was about and I still don’t know what channel it is on. I’m guessing Showtime or Starz just because there is a lot of nudity on the show and it’s not on HBO … I think.

I’m not suggesting you watch the TV show … actually screw that… I’m totally suggesting you should watch this show because I’m not. I’m not going to watch this show because it sounds terrible, but there is a lot of nudity coming from the show that I fully support and websites post that nudity for me to see without watching the show, but if no one watches the show and the ratings fall then the show will be canceled. So you watch the show and I’ll just keep checking out the nudity updates on Monday.

Specifically of Kathleen Robertson.

Let’s just say, I kind of gave up hope that I would ever see Ms. Robertson naked.

I imagine my crush on Kathleen started somewhere between the years of 1994 and 1997 where she played Clare Arnold on Beverly Hills 90210. At the time, I was between the ages of 11 and 14 meanwhile she was on one of the most popular TV shows in America. From there, this beautiful Canadian export I continued our separate journeys through life as she went on to appear in supporting roles in an odd assortment of TV shows, never heard of movies, but once and awhile would pop up in something I would see and I would be reminded of our unspeakable bond and how crazy hot this chick is. Like Scary Movie 2.

So… let’s fast forward to last week where Kathleen is now on the TV show Boss and she has short blond hair and she had sex with the main character of the show in a hallway and in the process showed her boobs and butt. Then let’s fast forward to this morning where I see she had sex again with the main character of the show and this time she just bent over a conference table and he hiked up her skirt to reveal garters/thong set-up and then just moves the thong out and over and now they’re having sex of the doggy on the table.

Needless to say, I hope this show has more seasons than Cheers.

I don’t watch any of these shows on HBO or Starz or Showtime right now, but I will give them all a pat on the inner thigh and a husky “Well played” as Kathleen Robertson, Gretchen Mol, Lake Bell, Emmy Rossum, Anna Paquin, Deborah Ann Woll and Eva Amurri (just to name my most favorites off the top of my head) have gotten nekkid and sometimes more than once and hopefully more and more until infinity of their nakedness.

God bless the internet. I don’t have to watch the shows, but I still get the highlights delivered to my metaphorical front door. Even funnier, you don’t even need to have those channels. I do and I could potentially watch them, but who cares about the fictitious mayor of Chicago, boring mobsters in turn of the century Atlantic City, a bunch of hipsters in NYC, a chick, a vampire waitress, a vampire who hangs out with said waitress, and another chick?

I mean it’s wonderful world we live in…

minus the Steelers losing and SNL.

Tomorrow, I will break down the lyrics of Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger”. If there are any other popular songs you think I should take a crack at then please tell me.

How was your weekend?


2 Responses to “It’s Monday and I’m Alive and So Are You If You’re Reading This”

  1. cledbo said

    My weekend was sooper, thx for asking Jordanaramalamadingdong. I started a new job yesterday (being Monday, because Australia is ahead of you in more than just economic terms *oh snap*) and may not know exactly what I’m doing but at least I look deadly hot doing it if I do say so myself. And I do.

    I have not nor will I ever watch SNL. Not least of which because it is on stupid late at night here and I have sleep to attend to. I read…most of your football stuff. I understood even less, but I get it. It looks like a sport which would be fun to watch in a room filled with mates and beer (much like rugby, which is a kind of football I do understand but still don’t really care about that much).

    Your assessment of how women can best get men to have sex with them is #Truth, which is the best kind of truth because it’s on the INTERNET, and has a capital T like a royal pronoun type thing. I might go drag some hapless squire into a supply closet just to, you know, prove you right and all.

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