What the fuck are we listening to?: Moves like Jagger edition

November 8, 2011

Well, hellooo there, Tuesday.

First thing first, one of the greatest boxers died yesterday and there are many articles that are being written about him. If you’re looking for one, I’d suggest http://www.boxingscene.com/champ-passes-there-never-another-joe-frazier–45805 by Thomas Gerbasi. I’m not going to try and eulogize a man I never met nor watched fight live ever in my life time, but Joe Frazier was part of one of the greatest sports rivalries in the history of sports. Muhammad Ali had many thrilling fights and a career that started before and ended after his 3 fights with Joe Frazier, but his time with Frazier will forever be the most memorable moments of his career.

Just from a sports fan’s perspective, nothing beats a rivalry. Nothing. It transcends the idea that this is their job. It makes you want to believe for a moment that whether or not there is a pay check, fans in the seats, or a TV camera rolling, that as long as the scoreboard is plugged in – they want to beat that other person so badly it keeps them up at night.

Sports are here for many reasons. Good exercise, entertaining, and if you’re really good at it then you can make a living at them. But the most important aspect of sports is winning. And when you find two people or two teams who just want to hold a win over the other to prove they’re better then that’s when you get the best viewing experience of that sport. Frazier and Ali made it matter.

I hope that Joe Frazier’s passing prompts the city of Philadelphia to finally make a fucking statue to Frazier and put that statue at the top of the fucking steps of the fucking Art Museum where it belongs and should have been there when the dude was alive.

….

..

.

Now… onto more ridiculous and light hearted topics… like DANCE MUSIC!

I listen to a good deal of “pop music” of popular music. It is what is on the FM radio and is playing in the bars that hold my liquor. I know it pretty well. The interesting thing about pop music whether it is some “gangster” rapper or some chick with big boobs and dyed hair, the music is dancey as shit nowadays. Everything is about dancing. Meanwhile, the lyrics were never good to begin with, but I think they’ve taken a nose dive since everyone is too busy shaking the junk in their trunk to give a thought about what the hell are these people singing about.

Case in point…

MOVES LIKE JAGGER!

If you listen to this song once then you’re set for life because that shit never leaves your head.

I’ve heard it way more than once, so I’ve been running on like 76 days straight of “I’ve got ‘dem moooves like chagger!” on a damn loop in my head.

So let’s examine these lyrics from Maroon 5  because honestly when I hear the song the only bits that stick out are the CHAGGER and something about leading me by my tongue. What in the fuck, right?

“Moves Like Jagger”
(feat. Christina Aguilera)

I will not deny that I thought there was absolutely no redeemable value for the show The Voice, but I was wrong. This song came from The Voice and this song has provided me with some high-larious moments in my life. Specifically, two of my friends in college (Dawgz and the Snake) used to do impersonations of Mick Jagger dancing. It was more or less an angry, gay, peacock dance with clapping and it was amazing. Fast forward to several years later and this song comes out. One of our best friends from college gets married and we’re all there and I tell the DJ he has to play this song. He does… MAGIC HAPPENED! The two put on an epic Jagger fight between their dueling Jagger dancing. … … and that was just the first chorus. In the second chorus, a gay spectator decided to join the fray and it was FABULOUS. So, thank you – Maroon 5, Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, and The Voice.

Oh, yeah
Oh

Off to a good start. This lyric website is taking their transcription seriously.

[Verse 1:]
Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right
And aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away and make it OK
I swear I’ll behave

Well, I don’t really know what any of this means. What are we shooting? Or what is this proverbial he/she shooting? Guns? Love arrows? Cupid’s love arrows? Hopes? Shooting hopes? A hope gun? A gun full of hope bullets? Fire that shit off in the air like a pistolero. Actually, better yet, just put one right through me. If you’re using the same ammo as one for the other then I’m not really sure why you would waste one just up in the air if it could possibly be used to secure a man like Adam Levine. Right? Seems wasteful. The “I swear I’ll behave” is creep city to me. It also kind sounds like Adam Levine enjoys being spanked. Actually, his hair cut says that too. And so does his slight build and falsetto voice. Oh who are we kidding – he’s the bottom and we’re listening about it right now.

You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I make it
You say I’m a kid
My ego is big
I don’t give a shit
And it goes like this

Again, I think there is a lot of BDSM suggestion filling out the first few bits of this song. He/she wants control, so Levine puts on a “show”, which I’m guessing is some type of role-playing children’s style show. I’m a little tea pot and so forth. I mean it is right there in the lyrics. I’m not making this up. Then the act starts to turn and he gets all uppity and impudent and needs to be punished for his saucy ways. As of right now, I’m picturing a gender role swap sex scene between Levine and whomever. As mentioned, bottom.

[Chorus:]
Take me by the tongue
And I’ll know you
Kiss me ’til you’re drunk
And I’ll show you

This is about the only part I remember when I’m listening to this song. The first part sounds kind of sexy with maybe he means you two have been kissing so much that he remembers your kiss specifically… or that the best way to get to really know someone is shove a tongue down their throat. Either way, this is how I tried to introduce myself to Meredith Vieira and also why I’m banned from Rockefeller center and any NBC related gift shops. The second part I don’t get unless Adam Levine is so sauced that his saliva is actually booze. In that case, someone really needs to take away his driver’s license. He’s always impaired.

All the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

I honestly don’t know what moves he has that are like Jagger’s. The “moves” I can think of would be the peacock dance or doing heroin. Aside from that, blowing David Bowie? Those are the “moves” I can think of. All of it sounds ill-advised to me.

I don’t need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I’ll own you

There’s so much about “control” in this song that I feel like Adam Levine probably does have control issues and I imagine the rest of Maroon 5 would agree. Seriously, name another member of that band. I couldn’t. I know that. I’m also proud of that. I know they’re all white males, but really that’s just obvious if you listen to the music. It’s like the whitest music ever. But I couldn’t venture to guess what any of them look like. And as I have said before I think these control issues work in a pseudo reverse system as Levine plays the submissive in the sexual situations, but in reality isn’t the submissive kind of controlling the sex? It’s because of them that the sex is happening in that way plus their boundaries and limitations are what the dominant has to work around. In reality, the submissive is holding the dominant back and in doing so has the real power.

Think about it.

With the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

Yeah, we got it. And it is not anymore clear what it means the second time.

[Verse 2:]
Baby it’s hard
When you feel like you’re broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
But when you’re with me
I make you believe
That I’ve got the key

Now, that kind of came out of nowhere, right? It took an awfully dark turn in this second verse. The listener is now “broken and scarred”? Why? What happened?! What did you do to us, Adam Levine?! TELL ME! Were they the “Jagger moves” that made us broken and scarred? So now we’re in a truly psychologically abusive relationship where we followed Adam Levine into some seedy sexual situation that really destroyed our moral frame work and our own self assessment of who we are as a philosophical entity. To follow-up, Levine will now also lead us on the mend, which no doubt will be just as damaging. He’s really just trying to emotionally cripple us into becoming dependent on him – which is sick, twisted and no doubt how the rest of Maroon 5 feels. As if they could make another successful band without Adam? Pfffttt…

(Oh!) So get in the car
We can ride it
Wherever you want
Get inside it
And you want to steer
But I’m shifting gear
I’ll take it from here (Oh! Yeah yeah!)
And it goes like this (Uh)

Again, Adam is the one in control. Again, Adam Levine is a fucked up individual. It’s Adam’s suggestion that we get into the car. We didn’t think that up on our own, but he makes it sound fun that we can go where ever we want. But again, what if the where ever we wanted to go was where we were then? We didn’t want to go anywhere, but Adam is passive aggressively pushing us to leave the comforts of what we know to then make us more dependent on him. Adam Levine is fucking crazy. Once in the car, we’re allowed to steer, but he’s the one who is dictating the pace. Again, it sounds like “we’re in this together!”, but if you look closely it’s just another element of control that Adam is using on me… I mean you… I mean us. Then he just takes over as mentioned in the end. Seriously, the guys from Maroon 5 must feel like testicle-less men. Plus dealing with Adam makes them feel even more testicle-less. I mean you would have to have zero testosterone to make that music to begin with, but then you’re just turned into an emotional slave by the totalitarian Adam Levine.

[Chorus:]
Take me by the tongue
And I’ll know you (Uh)
Kiss me ’til you’re drunk
And I’ll show you

Yeah, yeah. Now, it’s not so pleasant imagining kissing Adam Levine until I… I mean you… I mean we were drunk. If we’re drunk we’re easier to be duped and he’s already holding us down in many ways. Now, I’m worried that he could be roofie-ing his booze saliva.

All the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

Are these “moves” the “D.E.N.N.I.S. system” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Because they sound like they are.

For those of you who don’t watch that show (what is wrong with you?!) the D.E.N.N.I.S. system is thus:

Demonstrate value
Engage physically
Nurture dependence
Neglect emotionally
Inspire hope
Separate entirely

This is all to make a woman fall “in love” with Dennis forever by scarring her emotionally. Amazing television show… really.

I don’t need to try to control you (Uh)
Look into my eyes and I’ll own you

Yeah? I think we’ve all figured out that this double talk and you DO want to control us especially since after saying you don’t want to control us you then say you’ll own us. That’s a bit of a mixed message. Asshole.

With the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger (Yeah)
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

Keep those moves in your pants, Levine. I think we might need to start a “Take Back the Night” about Levine and his Jagger moves.

[Bridge:]
You want to know how to make me smile
Take control, own me just for the night
But if I share my secret
You’re gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this

Well, X-tina is singing this bit. Two things…

1. Christina Aguilera is clearly a part of Adam Levine’s diabolical plan to turn you into a dependent basket case who Adam Levine manipulates for his sick twisted fantasies. Oh yeah, just take control of me, right? No. N-O. I see through your half rap singing, Christina. How much is Adam paying you to be his patsy?!

2. I think Christina’s secret is she likes to get choke fucked or maybe she’s got an irregular formation with her genitals. Those are my guesses? Do you have any guesses? Maybe ask some co-workers their thoughts.

So watch and learn
I won’t show you twice
Head to toe, oh baby, rub me right
But if I share my secret
You’re gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this (This! This! This! Ooohyeaha!)

It now is starting to sound like she really has something to keep secret. She’s only going to show us once, but once we see it I guess we’re supposed to remember it forever, so again she’s saying take control of her, but you have to do it in such a specific way that you have no control. They’re the worst submissives ever.

And it goes like this

[Chorus:]
Take me by the tongue (Take me by the tongue)
And I’ll know you
Kiss me ’til you’re drunk (Kiss me til’ your drunk!)
And I’ll show you (Yeah yeah yeah yeah!)

Isn’t Christina an alcoholic? We shouldn’t enable her to kiss anyone until they’re drunk. Adam Levine is a terrible person who is helping push people’s addiction onto them. It’s disgusting.

All the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
(Oh, yeah)
I don’t need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I’ll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

I don’t think Mick Jagger would approve of any of this if he was given the whole story.

Keith Richards? Maybe.

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9 Responses to “What the fuck are we listening to?: Moves like Jagger edition”

  1. Hopie Dopie said

    When I hear this song I can only think that he’s saying ‘I got to move my jacket, move my jacket. I got to mo-o-o-o-ove my jacket.’ Not nearly as thought provoking but still a catchy ditty.

  2. nixhaw said

    Oh I do enjoy your wonky evaluations Jordan. Thank you for this. Here’s a present for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?&gl=GB&hl=en&client=mv-google&v=V3PRmu0tr6k&nomobile=1

  3. KStewBoy said

    I have a secret of my own to confess: I enjoyed watching the entire season of The Voice. I was so excited in a straight-guy but gay way when I heard Adam was going to perform this crack-cocaine pop-song on the show. I was going to get to see Adam DO his Jagger Moves.
    But he just kinda stands there and sings. It was beyond disappointing…
    But I sure cut a rug in my living room – I’ve got the moves like Iggy Pop.

  4. cledbo said

    Better than having moves like Peter Garrett (no one will get that frankly *hilarious* reference, so I’ve linked in a pertinent and catchy example). I can edjumacate as well!

    For some reason I thought it was:
    I put on a show
    Now I’m naked

    It makes more sense but is also creepy, though after reading this breakdown it still fits with the whole Dom-in-disguise thing Mr Levine’s got going on.

  5. Micah said

    Hey, I loved reading this. I found it when I was digging around around for lyrics to the song; not as a fan of Maroon 5 or the Stones.

    I am a musician, though and I thought you’d be interested in looking at the similarities between Moves Like Jagger and the Stones’ Miss You.

    Moves Like Jagger is like a faster version of Miss You. The chord change is identical and the hook melody is very similar. My instinct is the song is almost entirely built from having this similarity in musical concept and the lyrics are filled in. Just thought you might find it interesting. Keep writing!

  6. Maroon5 are shit.

    Kill yourself

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