kristen stewart, things, Kristen STEWART, thiNGS, KRISTEN STEWART, THINGS!

November 15, 2011

And here … we … GO!

Kristen Stewart wants… to get this over with.

The Green Bay Packers play the prettiest football that can be played. They smoked the Minnesota Vikings like it was a videogame and the Packers had all the cheat codes. Even backup QB Matt “In Like” Flynn scored an easy touchdown on the Vikings. Rodgers is playing on another level and his receivers look baller as hell catching passes from him meanwhile their defense can make turn a game into a living nightmare when they feel like it. Charles Woodson arguably Defensive Player of the Year… AGAIN!

Kristen Stewart wants… to be tickled!

Tickle that bitch! … errr I mean lovely prudent saintly entity with the legs and hair and those eyes that make you want to do the dirtiest things for those bunny teeth and the soft skin… where did I go there? My special place.

Bored to Death is about the most enjoyable 26 minutes on Television. I capitalized “television” for a reason because I mean not only is it the most enjoyable 26 minutes of television at the moment, but I mean ALL OF TELEVISION THIS WHOLE DAMN YEAR. It’s so delightful. I wish I lived in their world and did what they do like getting high and getting into adventures while high and living a relatively care free life in New York City with an orange Mercedes and day drinking. Oh it is wonderful. Jason, Zack and Ted are amazing and more people should watch this damn show.

Kristen Stewart wants… you to stop bullshitting around and get to your fucking point already.



Oh how incredible it was with the archery and the Lenny Kravitz. Finally! Finally, all the archery buffs and Lenny Kravitz fans have a movie they can enjoy together at the same time. Before, I just had to watch Olympic or international trials to be in the Olympics for archery with the TV on mute while listening to Lenny Kravitz’s greatest hits on repeat and by that I mean Lenny’s covers of “American Woman” and “Are You Gonna Go My Way” on repeat.

Oh and the archery! I’m so titillated by all that bow and arrow action. Oooh it’s going to be like a Cabella’s videogame acted out by the cast of One Tree Hill. I can’t wait. It’s everything I’ve wanted in a movie. The woods, excessive amounts of leather, archery, youthful actors, Lenny Kravitz, a completely absurd future reality where the world has gone insane and put all their stock into a pointless reality television show just as a ridiculous metaphor for our current obsession with celebrities even though it’s completely overblown and in no way would this ever happen or need to happen in any post-apocalyptic society with or without fantastical predatory animals that also exist for no apparent reason plus beauticians played by LENNY KRAVITZ!

I’d rather see SWATH than Hunger Games at this point.

Kristen Stewart wants… a puppy.

Well, who the fuck doesn’t? If your answer is no to that question then GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE NOT WANTED BY ALL OF HUMANITY!!! GO GET YOURSELF KILLED IN THE FICTITIOUS HUNGER GAMES!!!

Kristen Stewart wants… a BIG puppy.

Oh you’re so cute oversized puppy. I want to hug you and play with you and we’ll eat all of our meals together and they won’t be the same meal because that would be silly puppy, but you’ll have your puppy food and I’ll have my human food and we go chomp chomp chomp together and then laugh about it every night as we watch Bored to Death.

That was a different “special” place I went to. I’m back and refocused.

Kristen Stewart wants… Jerry Sandusky to be eaten alive by bees.

I’m not even sure if that is possible, but if it can be done then that is what we’re doing. I didn’t even watch that interview last night and only heard a couple clips on the radio and saw them transcribed on the crawl during the Monday Night Football game, but Jerry Sandusky went from being 100% guilty of raping children to %200 guilty. I didn’t think that was possible either, so who knows? Let’s try this eaten alive by bees idea. I mean I think it is worth a shot. There are plenty of other animals like a bear or a snow leopard or the honeybadger or just a pit of snakes that we could easily have eat Jerry Sandusky alive as backup plans. But let’s try the bees first then if that doesn’t work then we use something else. Ooooh, let’s use sharks! Throw him into the water and have sharks tear him apart limb from limb. That would be good. Also, I would like to see everyone else involved beaten to death with bamboo canes. Especially, that ginger coward WR coach McQueery or whatever his name is. The dude saw Sandusky raping a child in the shower, ran away, called his daddy. That’s not the course of action you take in the least. I would have killed Sandusky with my bear hands – my Bear Jew hands – by smashing Sandusky’s head over and over again into the tiled walls and floors of that lockerroom shower then I would have taken the raped by the hand and dragged him to the police station and been like “Tell them what happened!” following that I would have said “You’re welcome!” to everyone really dick like then gone home and took a shower and slept the sleep of the cleanest conscience EVER.

Kristen Stewart wants… me to be Batman.

I do too, Kristen.

I do too.

Kristen Stewart wants… Batman cosplay sex.

I do too, Kristen.

I do too.

Kristen Stewart wants… a little alone time to relish in her inner-monologue’s orgasm playing out a Batman cosplay sex fantasy.

Sometimes I listen to this song and it makes so much sense to me that I start to worry about where I’ll be in 15 years…


It’s Tuesday and I wasn’t supposed, but I did.

You’re welcome.

I love you?


4 Responses to “kristen stewart, things, Kristen STEWART, thiNGS, KRISTEN STEWART, THINGS!”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan – thank for your bonus Tuesday post. Juxtaposing Kristen pics with commentary on Sandusky makes my head ache. I guess I need to go to my own special place to sort it all out.

  2. I don’t know about this Batman cosplay sex thing… If you’re going for authenticity, seems like maybe ladies won’t be too involved in the ordeal.

  3. tiffanized said

    I’ve been fruitlessly punching that button* on the video but can’t get it to play. I don’t know why I want to watch it. I live in Virginia where it’s against the law to hold a karaoke night that doesn’t include that song. And “Folsom Prison Blues”. We like booze and jail here in the semi-south.

    I see that Jerry Sandusky will be taking the “I’m just a big kid and it’s ok when kids see each other naked and play around naked so I set up a charitable organization to play around naked with poor kids” defense, also known as the Michael Jackson Defense. Good choice, dirty old man. It’s worked before.

  4. PWG said

    I heard Michelle Bachmann say she’s only like 5 feet tall and even she would’ve walked in and cockpunched Sandusky if she saw what McQueareasreey did.

    It’s pretty much the first time Michelle Bachmann and I have ever agreed on anything.

    Those pictures of Kristen are lovely.

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