Torture Porn + 300 + Harry Hamlin’s Clash of the Titans = IMMORTALS!

November 16, 2011

Hello, hello, hello…

On this late Wednesday post, I will be giving my quick and digestible thoughts about IMMORTALS, which I saw late last evening.

There are “spoilers” in this, but it’s really not a movie that’s ruined by spoilers. Did you read the title? None of those things are ruined by spoilers either. No one was ever watching bloody torture porn and was like “WHAT?! The sled is Rosebud?! You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t believe you just ruined that for me. I’m going to string you up with little weights hanging from your nipples and give you paper cuts in the webbing of all your fingers and toes and probably do something to your butt!” That doesn’t happen. It’s an action movie, you’re going there for the action and not the story … trust me.

– DUDES! So many dudes in this movie. So many dudes pretty much naked. So many dudes and yet there was arguably a higher DUDES to CHICKS ratio in the theater than there was in the movie. There is Frieda Pinto and three hand maidens and there’s Henry Cavill’s mom and then there’s Athena played by Isabel Lucas. I can stop there. Needless to say, there were not 6 chicks in the theater last night amongst the 50 some odd high school, college, and beyond (me and much older and sadder gentlemen) dudes. The couple women there were there, well if push comes to shove and you’re talking about Frieda Pinto and Isabel Lucas vs. a couple of rando’s dragged to a 10pm Tuesday showing of Immortals then I’m going to count the flawless Frieda and Isabel as like 10 or maybe 20 women. Plus the hand maidens were plenty hot. Nothing against Henry Cavill’s mom’s actress, I really didn’t look at her like that. I do have scruples.

Anyway… SAUSAGE FEST!

– The movie is a lot bloodier than I expected. I kind of thought that Tarsem Singh had moved on from the torture porn/bloodiness, but he’s got plenty of The Cell still in the tank.

– With that, the movie is a lot like The Cell meets The Fall, which was Tarsem Singh’s second movie. It is a big outlandish, fairly cheesily acted, fantasy driven, gruesome deaths, an overlord villain who loves to dress up in fabulous costumes as much as he loves gutting people and playing with their internal organs and so on. I doubt many have seen The Fall, but it is a little Indian girl if I remember correctly who is more or less imagining fairy tales in her head while she is living in a shitty orphan hospital. Either way, the mixture of her fairy tales and the inner world of Vincet D’Onofrio’s brain from The Cell is pretty much what this movie looks like with a lot of nods to Harry Hamlin’s Clash of the Titans and the fight choreography of 300.

– Do you like spears going through guys’ heads? See this movie.

– Frieda Pinto’s ass.

– So, there is a ton of gratuitous shots of dudes’ abs in this movie and pecks and so forth. It’s pretty graphic. A graphic amount of shirtless men like in 300. But there is one scene of female nudity and it is the amazing looking Frieda Pinto. I would like to give Tarsem Singh a medal of awesomeness/peace for not only getting Frieda Pinto naked for the movie, but her BUTT… she drops her clothes to the ground and for a brief second you’re like “are we going to see this chick naked?” and then BOOM! Frieda’s ass in full close up and it’s pretty much taking up 60% of the movie screen. INCREDIBLE! At that point, I truly was kicking myself for not seeing this movie in 3D.

– Stephen Dorff gets kind of screwed in this movie. Not him himself, but his character. His character does just about everything that Henry Cavill does, but gets none of the credit and none of the glory. In the end, they show Cavill leading the God army meanwhile Dorff is no where to be seen. Also, Cavill gets to break Pinto’s cherry and Dorff gets probably dry handjobs from himself by a fire amongst the smell of the dead with that creepy tongueless monk pretending not to be noticing.

– Let’s get back to Pinto and Cavill having sex… Cavill putting his boner in Pinto’s vag literally/physically changes her ability to perceive reality. Imagine that come on line. Hey baby, one night with me and I’ll change your perception of reality. Also, let’s just say… magic boners. Cavill’s got a magic boner in the movie. … and maybe real life.

– Do you want to see Kellan Lutz getting viciously torn limb from limb? Go see Immortals.

– Sadly, some of the most brutal and disturbing scenes in the movie are actually from human history and not just merely thought up by the crazy Tarsem Singh. Namely, the roasting of the people alive in a metal bull over fire. That’s the brazen bull and that sucks that people did that.

– In most movies, I think the in between scenes that you never see usually consists of the characters peeing and pooping… in this movie it is all BUTT SEX. All of it. So much humping.

– Cavill vs. Mickey Rourke’s final fight is an R-rated version of Vin Diesel vs. The Rock from Fast Five. Great scenes.

– Actually, the end of Immortals in a strange way reminded me of Star Wars Episode I: Phantom Menace. The end of that particularly terrible Star Wars prequel was the fight of the proletariat and plebeians just running around in the courtyards, the Ewan/Liam vs. Darth Maul with light sabers in that odd room with the hole in it for no reason and, lastly, annoying ass Anakin in the space fighter plane dueling it out with other bad guys in their space fighter planes. In this movie, there’s the tunnel fight between the grunts, the Cavill/Rourke fight and the titans vs. the Gods fight all happening at the same time and cutting back and forth. This movie’s is obviously a billion times more violent and bloodier, but there was a similarity there.

– The arrow scene of Cavill shooting 4 arrows is a direct rip off of the scene in House of Flying Daggers when the exact fucking same thing happens. I don’t necessarily care because so much of this movie is a rip off of 300 as mentioned, but just had to say it.

– In some way, I wish Tarsem Singh was allowed to direct R rated versions of all movies… not because they’re particularly good, but because he’ll definitely make them violent with nudity and colorful, which is fun.

– Tarsem Singh is a helluva visuals guy and a horrible storyteller. I had that opinion before and I still have it after seeing this.

Mirror, Mirror is the Snow White movie that Tarsem Singh is making and it looks absolutely fucking horrifyingly terrible. Also, Immortals and Mirror, Mirror couldn’t look any different from each other. Namely, all the fucking white people. His movies do usually have a more of an international flair even just a few of the people, but this looks whitey white and corny.

In conclusion…

I definitely enjoyed this movie more than most action movies I saw this year. It had plot holes and the acting wasn’t the best, but it was colorful, wild and bloody action sequences, Frieda Pinto is naked, and there are so many shirtless dudes that you begin to hate your own body like all of it like even your elbows because those guys look like they’re in the greatest shape a person could be in. Like I don’t even know who Luke Evans is (he plays Zeus in the movie), but if Luke Evans didn’t finish this movie and go on a pussy getting bender, which still hasn’t ended to this day then he’s wasted all that amazing shape he got into. If I looked the way he did, I would just continue walking around in the gold micro skirt and gold leaf headdress Zeus outfit and go to bars like that and be like “First come, first serve” and then when I started finding humanity disgusting… I would then eat every donut at a Krispy Kreme donuts and get back to shitty shape.

Wunderbar!

IMMORTALS!

Catch it… or something.

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4 Responses to “Torture Porn + 300 + Harry Hamlin’s Clash of the Titans = IMMORTALS!”

  1. Axiom said

    I think that anyone that goes to see this film is risking punishment by the Gods…

    The Gods of Ancient Greece deserve the same respect that your.. ‘Yawei’ God deserves…

    The Gods should not be treated so.. inappropriately…

    • PWG said

      I think that you should go fuck yourself, is what I think. I’m in a bad mood, which isn’t your fault. But you’re vastly irritating, which is.

  2. PWG said

    Sometimes I read these posts on iPhone e-mail, where I can never see the pictures. Then I come here later to comment and be visually assaulted by the photos and/or MMA gifs.

    It’s like trying to watch a movie with little kids and having to forward through all the flying daggers, stabbings and scary monsters. Then you put them to bed or send them away to boarding school or whatever, and watch it again with all the violence. My kids think the Lord of the Rings trilogy is 45 minutes long, is what I’m saying.

    So today I saw this on the phone and thought, “Well later I’m going to be seeing a huge picture of Freida Pinto’s ass.” Imagine my disappointment. Sure, I could Google pictures of Freida Pinto’s ass, but then I’m actively looking for pictures of aforementioned ass. I prefer to stumble over them.

    Fuck it, here I go . . . .

    . . . and I’m back. Perez Hilton says she used an ass double, is what I found out. Now I’m like triple disappointed. How am I ever going to see this ass without knowing the name of her stunt double? Shit, now I’m going to have to see Immortals.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I don’t think it was an ass double because she does walk into frame and you see her boobs as well… they’re pretty exquisite also.

      Either way, you get an ass shot that’s almost the entire screen and a naked Pinto from the front.

      I’ll tell you what… it’s better than Green Lantern.

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