This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #TEBOW

November 18, 2011

Happy Friday.

I hope you have a lovely weekend.

A weekend full of love.

Love like pancakes. Love like champagne. Love like puppy kisses. Love like seeing your soon to be love-uh’s sexual organs for the first time all glistening in shrimp fat. Love like Selena Gomez’s “A Year Without Rain”, which is my new jam. Love like watching a man get knocked unconscious inside an eight sided cage. Love like Happy Endings.

Love like Tebow.

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


As you may know, I hate the New York Jets and last night they played professional tackle football against the Denver Broncos in Denver. Holy fuck it was wonderful. I had been saying all week that this game was one thing and one thing only for the New York Jets… it’s a trap game.

When a football team looks over their schedule, although all games count as a single win, some games will undoubtedly get more attention meanwhile others won’t. For the Jets, the number 1 team they are looking to beat is the New England Patriots. A team that won’t get as much thought would be the previously 4-5 Denver Broncos who went 1-4 in their first five games and then have gone 3-1 with the new kid who pundits and analysts have foretold his doom in the NFL every week since he’s been eligible to play.

The Jets were favored going into this game as they should have been. But it was a perfect setting for a trap game:

1. Jets come off a devastating loss to the New England Patriots

2. Short week as the Jets played on Sunday and the game is on Thursday.

3. Away game.

4. Tim Tebow is awaiting the Jets running the dive option, which a team hasn’t successfully run in the NFL in the modern era.


Plus… the Jets are not all that good. They’re good… but not all that good. They have a solid roster of players throughout the entire team and they will forever win more than lose with this cast of characters, but they are not a great team. Their running game isn’t anything special, their passing game isn’t anything special, their run defense isn’t that special, their past defense is real good solely because of Darrelle Revis with the help of Crow-ball Cromartie and Kyle Wilson plus Jim Leonhard is a good ball player and the Jets usually have a good special teams unit – not great, but good. Anyway… they’re beatable.

And then it was TEBOW TIME!!!!!

Actually… let’s hold off on Tebow for one second…

The Denver Broncos defense played GREAT… I mean Tony the Tiger GRRRREEEEAAATTTT!!! Last night, Dawgz was at some wildly liberal and probably homosexual function that was a discussion on the history of God hosted by Ira Glass from This American Life. Anyway, the guy wanted Tim Tebow updates and I gave them to him. I pretty much texted him what happened through out the entire game and it was a pretty boring game at times. Tebow moved the ball real well on the first drive and then didn’t move it again until the last drive. In between was a lot of punts. But with all of the Broncos’ punts, the Jets punted just as much. The Broncos’ defense shut down the Jets’ running and passing and forced punt after punt throughout the game. The one drive that they really let the Jets move the ball on them and score that bullshit touchdown on them, well, they got that back as the defense, Andre Goodman to be exact, intercepted Mark Sanchez and took it for a beautiful pick six touchdown.

Great defensive play filled with sacks and flustering and so forth. It was a great performance by them. Also, the Broncos’ special teams played pretty great as well. They got the field goals they went for, there were several great punts by them, and a few great returns as well.

But that’s not what the people want to talk about… they want to talk about…


He did it again. A fucking last minute drive to win the fucking fuckity fuck ball fucking game. UN-fucking-BELIEVABLE!

As many may remember or as few may remember or maybe one or two or one, I did not root for Tim Tebow in college – I actually rooted against him. I mean why not? I’m not a University of Florida fan and on top of that I’m not even that big of a fan of college football, so what do I care? I rooted against the kid because he was winning all these games, I thought Chris Leak never got any credit for what he did, and after seeing the Gators win once I didn’t need to root for them to win every other damn year. So yeah, there I was cheering when Alabama made Tim Tebow cry in his final game at U of F and they lost. Yep, I cheered. I cheered.

Anyway… the unthinkable happened – the golden child that was Tim Tebow at Florida was thrown onto the fires of criticism by NFL pundits and analysts.

All of a sudden, Tebow was a pariah.




Truly, stunned. I couldn’t understand how they didn’t think this kid would make it in the pros. I was rooting for him not to make it in the pros because of hearing about him for 4 years and because I did agree with their assessments of him as a quarterback – not a great passer, slow throwing motion, takes too many hits, plays kind of a backyard style ball et cetera. But that was me! Those were my thoughts. And in a way, I was fine with me having them and no one else. Not liking Tim Tebow was like my hipster band. But all of a sudden it became popular to not like him. And I couldn’t stand that. Honestly, my reasons for not liking him may be valid, but at the same time they’re rooted in his insane popularity and my own feelings of counter-culturalism. They’re sane beliefs, but partly insane as well.

But… when Tebow became a scape goat cliche for the analysts to pick at… I became a Tim Tebow fan.

I rose from the ashes like a phoenix of Tebow fandom. Fuck the critics! This kid is going to fucking win!

I mean why the fuck not?! What do you need to do in a football game? Win. How do you do it? Put points on the board. And Tim Tebow knows how to do that. He scored every damn touchdown he could in college. That kid is going to stick his head down and drive a ball in if he has to just like he did last night.

And the critics? We’ll have to see if last night’s win has softened them some, but before the game they were as virulent as ever. They started off the game saying that Tim Tebow had to prove in this game whether or not he should be the Broncos quarterback for the next TEN YEARS! TEN YEARS?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Ten years? Who in this stupid league has had a quarterback for ten years? Not many. If all 32 teams were present and the ones with a quarterback for the past 10 years were to raise their hand or a team that was even a few years away from 10 years could raise their hand then there would be less than 10 people raising their hands. Less than a third of the league. Maybe even a 1/4th. That’s absurd. TEN YEARS?! What about Mark Sanchez? Was that game for him a deciding factor for 10 years?! If it was then the Jets need to draft a new quarterback. But no one was saying that about Sanchez (as they shouldn’t), but they were saying it about Tebow.

At 4-1, Tim Tebow should unquestionably be the starter for the Denver Broncos for the rest of the season. At 3-1, Tebow should unquestionably be the starter for the Denver Broncos. Actually, at 0-0 at the start of this season Tim Tebow should have unquestionably been the starter for the Denver Broncos. The kid earned it last year in my opinion, for two reasons:

1. Kyle Orton has proven he’s not the guy in Denver. He played 7 great games 2 years ago and since then he has played many other games for them and he’s not done well. They need to move on if they have other options… guess what they do because last year…

2. Tim Tebow started the final 3 games of last season where the team went 1-2, he scored touchdowns in all the games and looked pretty good to great in each game.

But whatever… they didn’t start the kid this season. They go 1-4 with Orton. Put in #15 and let’s have some fun. And since they have and they’re 5-5 as a ball club now. Incredible.

The rest of their schedule is pretty rough…

At San Diego

At Minnesota

Home for Chicago

Home for New England

At Buffalo

Home for Kansas City

They can win the San Diego, Minnesota, Buffalo and Kansas City games. Those are winnable. It really depends on the Broncos defense and the team their playing’s ability to stop the Denver running game. But those are 4 tough, but winnable games for the Broncos. The Bears game will most likely be a loss. The Bears are great and they’re playing great. The Patriots are also great. Those are two games they’ll probably lose and should lose. But if the Broncos can win those other 4 games or 3-4 then the team exits this season 9-7 or 8-8, which is remarkable for a team that started off 1-4. It’s quite a turn around and something to build on for next year.

Anyway… I’m a full fledged fan of Tim Tebow politely kicking in the teeth of teams out there in the West.

Also, before I finish up… Tebow is a lightning rod and there are people who hate him or just dislike him. But don’t get sucked up into this nonsense that people don’t like him because of his faith. That’s utter bullshit. Don’t buy that and don’t sell it to other people either. That’s stupidity. The United States of America is a Christian nation where the President is sworn in on a fucking BIBLE. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. And people might mention this kid’s faith when they make fun of him, but that’s because that’s about the only thing they know about him. People have problems with his popularity and his celebrity. And when people have a problem with someone then whatever they know about them because their ammunition for them. The only thing people know about Tebow is he is an alter boy. That’s it. So they say it. But they truly don’t dislike him because of it, it’s just they’re idiots grasping at straws.

As far as, what Tebow does off the field… he seems like a wonderful guy. He talked about open a hospital in the Philippines last night. That’s great. I do think that’s wonderful and wish all the people with money did that… but I care about Tim Tebow the football player more than Tim Tebow the off the field saint of humanity.

I didn’t like the kid in college because I don’t like a lot of these super stardom college players. I didn’t like Carson Palmer. I’m not into Andrew Luck. I guess what I’m saying is that I kind of dislike great white hope quarterbacks in college who haven’t done shit in the pros and I’ll judge them justly when they get to the pros.

Tebow is in the pros. He’s winning. Fucking get off the kid’s back.

So yeah.


I would like to add I didn’t mention Brady Quinn because seriously who the fuck cares? I didn’t like him in college either. Oh he runs a “pro offense” at Notre Dame? Great. How about he win a couple games that matter and I’ll care. Jimmy Clausen sucked too. Matt Leinhardt gets his chance to prove his worth this weekend with the  Houston Texans. He’s failed at proving his worth a few times with the Arizona Cardinals. Either way… fuck ’em until they start winning games then we can talk.

Also, Tim Tebow is better than Edward Cullen. The kid is built like a brick shithouse, he helps people with his money instead of running around a forest eating deer, and he’s probably a virgin as well… and he’s better looking. Tim Tebow is a better looking man than Rob Pattinson. I said it.


Have a great weekend.


8 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #TEBOW”

  1. PWG said

    Also, Tim Tebow is better than Edward Cullen.

    Are you shitting me? What kind of time do you think Cullen would put up in a 40-yard dash? He could probably throw the ball out of the damn stadium. You wouldn’t even need an offensive line, for that matter. Everyone could just be a receiver. Sure, he’s gonna need a dome, which we don’t currently have in Denver, or else he’ll sparkle on Sunday afternoon games. But Coloradoans have shown time and again that they will pay endless amounts of special taxes to accommodate our sports teams. And failing that, I’m pretty sure Carlisle could afford to pay for the dome on his own.

    Gah, try living here. Tebow is the third word in every conversation. I wish the kid well, but I don’t see him as a great or even very good quarterback even with the wins. At this point I’m tired of all the quarterbacks of questionable moral turpitude, though, so I hope he sticks it out. We need more Kurt Warners, who can be decent people off the field, Super Bowl winners on the field, and still lose to the Steelers when it counts.

  2. KStewBoy said

    Jordan, I really think you need to stop holding back on you opinions so much… I mean it’s your blog – let your true feelings out. Do you like Tim Tebow? It’s kind of like I’m having to guess at what you are trying to express.
    That guy is a quarterback? In the first picture he looks like a tight-end or a linebacker. Boy is big.
    But Mr. Cullen would still rush for more yards, don’t kid yourself.

  3. PWG said

    But if there’s ever a terrible flood at Invesco/Sports Authority Field, and the football has to be played like water polo, and um, without uniforms and stuff, and . . .

    Screw it, I’m just looking for an excuse to post a picture of our backup quarterback, Brady Quinn.

  4. THIS IS JEFF!!!!!!! said

    i saw you mention hipster band in this post and it made me think of a great american/south american hipster band called the bad standards

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