We Survived Another Weekend + 2011 American Music Awards’ Quick Thoughts

November 21, 2011

HAPPY… monday…

So it is Monday, I hope you are having a happy Monday.

Maybe it is happy because Sunday or Saturday or both and a little dash of Friday was so fucking good that now Monday’s depression is no match for how good those other days made you feel in your heart and in that highly sensitive cluster of nerves in your sexual organ. It’s just that this weekend was so good that no matter how hard Monday tries to feel shitty, you’re still in a warm post coital weekend glow. Right? RIGHT?!

Anyway, I had a pretty great weekend and it didn’t involve a single vampire, celebrating monogamy, getting preggers, but there were so many shirtless dudes. So many. Some would say too many, but in all honesty – I would say not enough.

I watched CAGE-FIGHTING! this weekend… as well as one RING-FIGHTING!

Friday night, I watched Strikeforce on Showtime, which feature the better looking and tons more badass and talented version of Julia Stiles as we all know and love as “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey. Remember the blonde cage-fighting chick who made her hair into those Chun Li buns in that video from someday earlier in life on this blog? Well, she won again. In under a minute again. By armbar again. This time she appeared to break/severely dislocate the elbow of Julia Budd in 39 seconds. Julia didn’t tap, which is remarkable. Julia’s tough too and when Ronda snapped her arm as quickly as she did she just kept trying to wriggle free because it’s not like the arm can get worse, right? The ref stopped the fight rightly so once she got a good look at the now flamingo legged elbow of Budd’s. Ronda Rousey is no joke.

I watched the UFC 139 fights on Saturday. In all seriousness, it was one of the greatest pay-per-view events of the year/ever. Specifically because of the two main events. Wanderlei Silva vs. Cung Le was about everything we were hoping and praying for and was a glorious violent mess and definitely “Fight of the Night”. That is until the main even between Shogun and Henderson came on and those two fought in arguably the GREATEST FIGHT OF ALL TIME. There have been some good fights and this could have been the goodestest. It was amazing. I don’t agree with how the judges scored the fight – I thought Shogun won the last round 10-8 making the fight a 47-47 draw – but that won’t derail the unbridled love I have for those two men and for what they did to each other on Saturday night in the eight sided cage.

Also, I watched a Russian MMA fight and Bellator on MTV. Plus college football (Iowa State!) and the NFL (!!!)!)))!)!(!(!)!()!) So much testosterone.

About the closest I got to Twilight and Ed and Bel was this hysterical moment from the UFC 139 weigh-ins…

The bald man with the 8 pack and gold shorts in Edward Cull-… I mean Kyle Kingsbury from the UFC’s light-heavyweight division. The completely awestruck, wet in the pants, awkward at life, redhead with the headband, owner of 100 Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn part I movie stubs from this past weekend is the San Jose, California weight scale operator from those same weigh-ins. By the by, this chick was HORRIBLE at her job of adjusting weights on a scale to figure out if a guy who is supposed to be 155 pounds is 155 pounds or 155.5 or 156 pounds. Anyway, this is pretty much what Twilight is to me.

Anyway…

I didn’t know the American Music Awards were on last night and I wouldn’t have watched it if I did, but I maybe would have started this post a little earlier because I love making fun of these people who show up to these things and their red carpet pictures. So this post is running a little late while I’m type type typing away at it, but I just have to take a gander at these pictures. Won’t you come on this journey with me? WITH ME?!

RED CARPET for the AMA’S!

WOW. Jennifer Hudson can officially never sing again if she doesn’t want to. She is now just hot. Like before I thought she was attractive and would imagine us have sex weightless in fields of wild lavender, but in that world she also needed to sing to make a living and to stay in the Hollywood-sphere. Now, she’s just fucking hot, so she can make a living appearing in cleavagey tops with little else on like the majority of the women in Hollywood. If she wants to sing we don’t even have any aspirations for her to wow us with more Dreamgirls style performances. Hudson can now be the black Katy Perry and just auto-tune sugar coated pop and we’re cool with it because she looks so damn sexy. But that’s me. I’m probably so far off base, I mean Hollywood is such a moral and talent driven industry. But yeah… I hope Complex magazine gets Hudson to take some dirty close-to-nudey style pics sooner than later. Oh and by the way, does she even sing anymore? I haven’t heard a strange hobo’s bourbon soaked whisper of a song from her since Dreamgirls. NEXT!

Good news and bad news situation here:

Good news for straight guys and/or gay women: Selena Gomez looks crazy hot.

Bad news for straight women and gay men: Justin Bieber is a creeper and not cute anymore. What the hell happened to this kid? Well, in all honesty the attraction towards him was on a Jerry Sandusky level anyway because he looked like he was the cutest 12 year old evah, but now he just looks like what most of us expected, which is a weird Michael Jackson rip off. Did he pick out this outfit? Actually, let’s just take for granted that whatever led to this photo of Bieber looking like this were all the wrong decisions and next time you should make the complete opposite decisions and thus it should be closer to being right.

If Taylor Swift isn’t cast as an Elf Princess in The Hobbit then someone fucked up. There’s no need for you to do any Hollywood magic or anything. Just call Taylor Swift up and tell her you need her to dress up like she’s going to be on TV and then BAM! perfect Elf Princess. I think Taylor Swift has magical powers. The first is that she looks like she’s 13 and 23 at the same time, it’s like some glimmer thing she does. The second is she speaks to animals. The third is the whole thing where she convinced everyone she’s a country singer even though her music sounds like a bad Kelly Clarkson rip off and she’s from Pennsylvania. Anyway, wasn’t it funny when TAYLOR Swift was supposedly going out with TAYLOR Lautner? Hahahah…gays.

I mean I know who he is, but why? Why is he at this? Is it still because he got hit by that car or whatever happened? I can’t remember a song that he’s done since the first one and I’m pretty sure I was still in college when that came out. Also, does he age?!

What a waste. Dying your hair is not a personality.

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about either of these two men. will.i.am. is a catchy jingle genius. Not only did he sell himself to us, but he sold us Fergie, Taboo, and that other black guy from the Black Eyed Peas. They also played the fucking Super Bowl earlier this year. I have nothing bad to say about that man. As for Robin Thicke, I envy few white men more than Robin Thicke. Unless you’re racist, then not so secretly every white person wants to earn the respect of black people like all of them. Robin Thicke has accomplished that by the truck load plus he is married to

Paula Patton. I would say give yourself a good 15 minutes and google “paula patton” and just let that soak into your eye sockets. She’ll make you feel warm like a space heater.

Mary J, why not? Kind of looks like a clouded snow leopard in this dress.

I refuse to care about these three people. I haven’t thus far and I won’t ever.

Alanis Morissette! Great. I guess. Did you know that the Red Hot Chili Peppers did all the instrumental work for her first album? I didn’t know that. Someone brought that up this weekend. Yep, I was talking about Alanis Morissette this weekend without knowing the AMA’s were going on.

We also talked about how we wouldn’t be able to date a white girl with dreadlocks.

I guess.

I don’t who these three people are, but I have a feeling that if they just allowed me to video tape them have a devil’s threesome then we could make a ba-zillion dollars. But that’s just a guess.

Who?

Seriously.

Why?

Seriously.

Joe Jonas looks more like a tanless Ricky Martin every time I fucking see him. The weird thing is that I’ve seen a lot of pictures of Joe Jonas a lot this year and not once have I sought them out. He’s just a professional shower upper and this point. Good for him. I wish that was my job. Just show up places. Also, I would hope that in that world of being paid to show up places that I too was beginning to look more and more like Ricky Martin at each public appearance.

I love gays, but not this one. You can go fuck yourself to death, Mr. Lambert. You look like a fucking idiot.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! LIONEL RICHIE IS GOING TO EAT ME!!!! HIS JAW IS UNLOCKING AND HE’S GOING TO EAT THE CAMERA MAN FIRST AND THEN THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM SECOND AND THEN COME THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND EAT ME THIRD!!!! AHHHHHH!!! NO I AM WORRIED!!!! AND I CANNOT BE HAPPY ABOUT YOU EATING ME!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!

I can’t explain why this makes me like Taio Cruz even more… actually I can. I like ninjas and he looks like a ninja from the future who is from the 80’s.

I honestly have no clue who this is, but she needs to eat some red meat or she will die in approximately 127 hours.

If you guessed correctly that this is Nickelback then you should feel ashamed of yourself for the rest of the day.

Commencing shame now.

John Legend… liver of the dream. I also envy this man. Take some time and google “chrissy teigen” to see John’s special lady like this…

You may need to take an hour to google Chrissy and make sure to take precautions beforehand because you will have an explosion in your pants and leave your area sopping wet. So… there’s that.

Yeah, I’m totally into Sarah Hyland. She’s a good looking girl, she’s on a good television show, and when she shows up to these red carpets she looks like she would do some dirty stuff in the limo ride to the after party. Like slutty enough to have sex in a car, but not a bathroom, so like sort of classy slutty. Pretty Woman slutty. Although, Julia Roberts would have sex in a bathroom.

Best musical artists so far pictured from this year… LMFAO.

Keep doing what you’re doing. I would honestly not change a single thing about these two. I hope they have exceedingly long musical careers. I thoroughly enjoy the world I lived in from late Summer to early Fall where “The Party Rock Anthem” was playing about every 15 minutes in my life whether by my choosing or not.

If you know who these 4 things are then you might want to jump off a bridge. But please, before doing so, take them with you. I mean kill them first and then possibly yourself.

BOOBS!!!

Hey Audrina, it’s the AMA’s. Yes, could you bring your boobs over here and show them on our red carpet? You can. Great. Knew we could count on you.

I thought he was in jail. Wasn’t he? He’ll probably be in jail soon enough. Didn’t he also make a song that was against the troops earlier this year? That’s incredible that ABC and the AMA’s don’t support the troops and would rather support Soulja Boy. It’s good to know Disney still has their priorities straight especially from being founded by a racist anti-semite. Oh how times change!

I thought Jenny McCarthy was hot before I started going through puberty. But let’s just stick to my puberty and since, there hasn’t been a time when I haven’t thought Jenny was crazy sexually attractive. My first real pornography was Jenny McCarthy pictures from Playboy. Those were stupendous. Nowadays, she apparently is CRAZY and is against vaccinations, but that doesn’t mean she’s any less spank bank worthy. The spank bank doesn’t care about politics.

Wow, Chris Rock is looking good these days. Am I right? Whatever his diet is, he needs to keep to it. I bet he’s eating a lot of acai berries. Those are like cure alls.

Hero.

David Guetta is a hero.

And everything in this picture is perfect.

Have you seen the “Without You” video? Usher and David Guetta recreate Pangea. It’s sincerely an emotionally moving video which I cried during several times. It touched me because I believe they can do it. Through Guetta’s musical masterpieces shifting rock and tectonic plates towards the greater good and Usher’s melodious voice guiding them to each other like a loving rudder. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

They’re just beautiful people… heroes.

Yeah, I watch your show. Suburgatory. It’s like the new Cougartown. What of it?!

I don’t know who she is, but she wants IT.

She would have sex with you in a coat closet.

And that’s the AMA’s!

I have no clue who was nominated and no clue who won and am thankful for that.

How was your weekend?

Did you see a vampire wedding movie?

What were your thoughts?

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28 Responses to “We Survived Another Weekend + 2011 American Music Awards’ Quick Thoughts”

  1. PWG said

    I refuse to zoom in and see what scary thing is going on with Alanis’ toe.

    Also, I want a clouded snow leopard more than my next breath.

  2. PWG said

    I want to buy new shoes for most of these people. Like, out of my own pocket buy them new, non-fugly shoes so I don’t have to look at the ones they already picked out. Is it just a musician thing? Did they stop making serious shoes for men altogether?

    Jenny McCarthy in particular, man, all I can think of is the spray on shoes from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I think John Legend is the exception. I can’t see his feet, but I want to believe he has the classiest shoes in the building.

  3. PWG said

    I think I would send Selena Gomez home with John Legend. She looks seriously stunning in that old-timey Hollywood dress. Pretty hair, pretty dress, pretty little purse-thingy, good shoes compared to everyone else. I know you put up a picture of Legend’s lady friend, and she’s beautiful too, but as the only suave looking motherfucker at that event, I think John should get to go home with all the pretty ladies. If that were the prize for actually dressing up, I think more of those dudes would do it.

    I don’t even recognize the dude in the brown corduroy pants, lumberjack plaid shirt and Sorel boots, but if he never had access to a vagina again in his entire life I think that would be a good lesson for everyone else.

  4. I thought Taio Cruz was Wayne Brady because that’s how hip and with it I am.

    The zipper on David Guetta’s gimp pants is crooked and it’s bothering me.

    Jesus Christ, I don’t know who half of these people are… But the dude you asked “Who? Seriously.” about is Travie McCoy a.k.a. lead singer of Gym Class Heroes a.a.k.a. Katy Perry’s ex, and I think the girl who needs to eat some meat* is Ellie Goulding.

    My weekend was thoroughly meh and I did not see a vampire wedding. Nor any shirtless dudes which is horseshit.

    • PWG said

      I did see a vampire wedding, although technically it was Thursday evening and not the weekend plus I didn’t really see it. This is how much of an idiot I am (I keep wanting to say “retarded” but I know that’s not okay anymore and I’m starting to feel like my parents who still say things like “colored folks” because they were raised by wolves in a racist uncouth barn):

      I got an invitation from AMC to see the vampire wedding thing in a “special preview” at 8:00 p.m., and my friend & I sometimes go to the movies on Thursdays, so I bought two tickets. Then she couldn’t go, and I really felt uncomfortable actually inviting someone else to go see that particular movie with me, so I thought, okay, I’ll go by myself, I don’t mind looking pathetic or anything.

      Then I completely forgot what planet I live on, and that there are people, you know, REALLY interested in this particular movie. For fuck’s sake, I’m on this Kristen Stewart web site, right? So I went to a bar by the theater and prepared myself with some cocktails and wandered over to the theater at 7:55-ish. I was the last person in, and my seat was in the very first row, which, why the fuck do they even put seats that close? You can’t see anything without giving yourself seizures. I found myself wishing my eyes were farther apart, like Amanda Seyfried far, so I could actually focus them. I gave up and just listened to most of it instead.

      If you do end up seeing it, do yourself a favor and go get some popcorn right around the time the wolves start snarling and arguing with each other in wolf form. It’ll bump up the quality of the film by one full star.

  5. tiffanized said

    I only looked at heads apparently because I didn’t notice shoes or gimp zippers at all the first time around.

    I know who some of the people are in those photos. Most of the artists I listen to are dead or so old the AMA has a restraining order against them because pop music is just for the young and beautiful. I thought that Adam Lambert was a Joe Jonas action figure that you were including for some effect.

    Are we supposed to collude with you in calling Mario Chris Rock? I wasn’t sure if the elephant was supposed to remain ignored or if you’re offering up a prize for the first one to notice what you did there.

    I didn’t see the movie and for the most part forgot that the movie existed. I listened to a lot of LMFAO and if you are on my drunk text list you likely received a photo of me Friday night surrounded by men with the caption “I AM NOT A WHORE”. But the joke’s on you because I totally was a whore.

    • Axiom said

      Your right you totally are.

      • PWG said

        Here’s an apostrophe and a comma if you can’t afford your own: ‘,

      • PWG said

        Oh, sorry, and an e. I thought that might be patronizing, though. You can probably afford your own e, right? It’s the most common vowel, after all. Here you go, I’ll put it all together for you in case you don’t get Sesame Street in prison:

        “You’re right, you totally are.”

        You’re welcome, you insufferable twit.

  6. KStewBoy said

    PWG – you are the coolest ever. I do not have the required stones to go see the new vampire wedding movie on my own. I will have to wait until it is convenient for the better half.
    Tiff, I have to agree with you that Adam Lambert looks like a Joe Jonas action figure. That makes me laugh. What ever happened to the other Jonas Brothers? Were they not in Joe’s deal with the devil?

  7. Nix said

    I think Joe Jonas is looking more & more like Mr Bean. Just saying.

  8. Axiom said

    Jenifer hudson has the head of a Gorilla… No amount of your negroid ass kissing will make anyone be interested in watching something so lame as these, negroid fest, awards…

    Next time stick to the MMA and not the AMA.

    • PWG said

      Hitler called. He wants his moral framework back if you’re done with it.

      • PWG said

        Perhaps the first time Godwin’s Law has been invoked on KSWI. I vaguely recall Axiom isn’t from the US, and I couldn’t think of another white supremacist who’s internationally infamous off the top of my head. I didn’t think “George Wallace” would have been clear enough.

      • Axiom said

        What?… Negroid is not the ‘other N word’.. It is a perfectly scientific word… It’s like Caucasoid and Mongloid for Asians… Speaking of Asians.. How come there are no Asian Artists.. EVER.. at this “events”?… And how come the only Hispanic is a Girl in a Sea of negroids and a few Caucasian Artists?.. and never a Hispanic dude unless he is Mulatto like a Puerto Ricans or Gay like Ricky martin?… I think you people and the Industry are incredibly Racist against Hispanics, Asians and Heterosexuals… That’s just my humble opinion…

      • Axiom said

        You “vaguely recall” having a shred of impartiality or Social equality or general fairness…

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Axiom, would you mind dying in a pit of acid? Because I would like to see you die in a pit of acid.

      If it is cool with you, could you die in a pit of acid soon and never come to this website again and never post here again?

      There was a time I didn’t want you to die in a pit of acid, but because of this comment followed by your most recent comments it is going to be difficult for me to never want to see you die in a pit of acid. Please remember that.

      • Axiom said

        “What?… Negroid is not the ‘other N word’.. It is a perfectly scientific word… It’s like Caucasoid and Mongloid for Asians… Speaking of Asians.. How come there are no Asian Artists.. EVER.. at this “events”?… And how come the only Hispanic is a Girl in a Sea of negroids and a few Caucasian Artists?.. and never a Hispanic dude unless he is Mulatto like a Puerto Ricans or Gay like Ricky martin?… I think you people and the Industry are incredibly Racist against Hispanics, Asians and Heterosexuals… That’s just my humble opinion…”

        Read that again you filthy pig?… Learn to be truly fair, you negroid loving, alcoholic, vomit inducing, anti humanity Troll.. and stop using Kristen Stewart’s name you smelly opportunist… By the way.. The one who might die in a pool of Acid is you, since you say it so much… Gross, your homicidal apart from being Racist against Hispanics and Asians… You excrement loving, AIDS infested drunk….

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        If we’re living in a world where what we say a lot in negativity will happen to us because of some karmic balance… then you will die a much more horrible death than just the acid pit I predicted for you. You will die of AIDs and shit and worms and hopefully a group of negroids, caucasoids, and mongloids will simply rape and beat you to death.

      • PWG said

        Grandma? Is that you?

      • Axiom said

        “What?… Negroid is not the ‘other N word’.. It is a perfectly scientific word… It’s like Caucasoid and Mongloid for Asians… Speaking of Asians.. How come there are no Asian Artists.. EVER.. at this “events”?… And how come the only Hispanic is a Girl in a Sea of negroids and a few Caucasian Artists?.. and never a Hispanic dude unless he is Mulatto like a Puerto Ricans or Gay like Ricky martin?… I think you people and the Industry are incredibly Racist against Hispanics, Asians and Heterosexuals… That’s just my humble opinion…”

        Read that, yet again you keyboard, gladiator… You sure like to let your bloodthirsty ways find expression through your monkey fingers don’t ya?… PUSSY.
        You chimp minded asshole… Obviously you are the one that will have a horrible death since all you ever do is talk shit about people and support Racism against Asians and Hispanics.. If anyone would be prime candidate for a beating that would be your smelly, anti Humanity bag of AIDS self… Your not fooling no one you negroid loving ass kisser… Your not racist towards negroids but you totally are against Hispanics and Asians.. It’s 2011, there should be a more diverse representation in Hollywood than just negroids and Jews….
        Funny how you immediately went for “rape”.. So apart from being a Racist negroid ass kisser and promoter of favoritism towards negroids, you are also a rapist?.. I thought so, because you are a fanatic of inequality, Racism, drug abuse and the abuse of woman of the same level as the worst religious extremist, fanatics found in the Middle East….

        You are really just a bag of shit, who goes crazy monkey with Hate when ever anyone dares to critic the established order of negroid preference over other Races.. and you did NOTHING to counter that fact, all you did was turn into a mindless bloodthirsty Baboon, completely ignored the facts.. that there are Never any Asian or Hispanic Artists in Hollywood, except gay or mulatto ones.. Or the occasional girl.. Other than that, it’s OVERWHELMINGLY negroid.. Even Whites are a minority at AMA.. It’s all a pile of shit.. Like your face and your Brain is.. I hope you DIE soon you enabler of Racial inequality, injustice and degradation of women everywhere.. I wish I knew where you lived…. So me and a couple hundred Hispanics and Asians could pay you a visit……… Just to speak to you about your unjust, unfair, anti Humanity, anti Democratic, Racist ways………….

      • PWG said

        Down with non-gay and non-mulatto Asians and Hispanics! Up with Jews, Negroid ass kissing, AIDS and rape!!! Yay!!!!!

        ZOMG, Axiom, you’ve masterfully uncovered all of our secrets. Now you get to be in our super special Kristen club.

      • Axiom said

        Sarcasm and cynicism… It’s a refuge for anti Humanity, anti-democratic, weak minded shit like you.. when they have no way of countering FACTS!!!

        Such overwhelming prefference for negroids is wrong and it pisses people off by the millions… and I am not talking about rednecks… I am talking about Hispanics and Asians…

        So, are you going to place another, mindless, Baboon farted comment that makes fun of this very real Social and Racial injustice?… Do so at your own risk fool….

        No one should watch these Racist award shows.. It’s Racist against EVERYONE, expect negroids…
        We should stick to international film awards.. At least they are more Universal and fair… Less Racist in it’s sole preference to just one or two Races or Cultures…. Like negroids….
        I just feel that such Racism, and preferential treatments are wrong…
        I think they are unfair.. Am I wrong in thinking that and noticing such unjust things?….

        Me and Millions of course….. 🙂

  9. KStewBoy said

    Ok, this “person” is forcing me to hand in my Kristen Stewart Fan membership card. I cannot share a celebrity affection with such a creature.

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