December Movies – It’s Either Them or Spending Time With Your Family or Freezing To Death – Part 1

November 22, 2011

It’s Tuesday and you know what that means… another post!

No need for applause. Well, there is need for it, but if you do applaud I can’t hear you. And… if I did hear you, it would mean you are in my house and you revealing your location would only resort in a swift imminent licking/barking attack from these well-trained K-9’s and I would probably yell things like “I’m getting a knife! You better not still be here after I get that knife! Now, I’m actually going to get multiple knives! KNIFES!”

Anyway, today’s tour-de-force will cover the first half of movies entering the theaters this coming month of December.

Yes, December. The month of “holidays”. This month, if you have loved ones or at the very least family members then you will spend a lot of money on their existence because of these holidays. These days of holy are supposed to bring everyone together, but you will now see their smiling faces as a weave of dollar signs as you have now purchased most likely unnecessary items for their momentary amusement. A Sony Reader? Who the fuck even knew there was such a thing? Didn’t I say you were never going to use it? Yes, I did say that. Oh your friend has one? Then sure I should definitely buy you one, why not?! So… while there will be a million of those moments to look forward to… there will also be these movies to act as an escape hatch for a couple hours at least.

Let’s tackle the first half… Some of these movies look frighteningly bad and some look ok, but at least they don’t make snide remarks about you working on your 5th beer by 2pm. Am I right?!

A Warrior’s Heart

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This movie is one of those insufferably terrible ones.

I’m not sure if I think it is brilliant or it pisses me off that these Twilight kids are mixed and matched throughout many other terrible movies. Also, the completely NOT SUBTLE “twilight of their youth” on the poster is fucking genius. The movie producers are literally betting all their money on Twilight fans being sooooo stupid that they will just see any movie that has any remote tie-in to Twilight even a movie that only features a couple of actors who played side characters who are not vampires in this movie. Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz are the stars of this movie or at least that’s what the poster is telling us. I would love for you to give me a guess about what this movie is about?

Did you guess rediscovering the roots of LACROSSE? You did?! Incredible! Yep. That’s what this steaming pile of shit is about. Lutz plays lacrosse and then his dad dies and then he’s mad/sad about that, so they SEND HIM TO A NATIVE AMERICAN RUN LACROSSE CAMP! Yep. While there he learns the history of lacrosse, which I know quite well because I played lacrosse. It was called bagittaway or something and the injuns played it and the French saw them playing it and renamed it and took it for the own because that was what happened to the Natives of America like every time. Anyway, this movie looks like poop and looks like a made-for-television movie that no one should see played on a channel that doesn’t exist. Ashley Greene is beautiful and her character’s name is Brooklyn and with her magical pussy powers she keeps Lutz in line as well as the friendly Indian jocks he meets at Summer camp. Dumb movie… SKIIIIIIP!

Answers To Nothing

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Answers to Nothing and saw by no one. The poster looks like it is trying to be Crash, which no one wants to see ever again. Once was enough. Secondly, that is DANE COOK. Did you ever think you were going to see Dane Cook as the lead in a movie again? Did you ever think you were going to see Dane Cook in general ever again? Well, you won’t. No one is seeing this movie. SKIIIIIIIP!

Shame

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This… well… this… hmmmm… do you want to see Michael Fassbender… hmmmm… what’s the word… oh right… FUCK!?!?! Do you want to see Michael Fassbender get some strange? Mikey Fassbender getting his dilsnick all up in some chicks’ guts? Michael Fassbender more like Michael “Ass-Bender” Fassbender because he’s going to be taking it to these chicks with his penis! I don’t know, that’s what the movie is about… I didn’t make it. Shame is NC-17, which means it’s about as close to a porno as you’re going to get from Michael Fassbender. He’s a bachelor who has no emotional attachment to anyone, but at the same time loves to get his fuck on with every chick in sight. So Michael Fassbender is playing EVERY GUY EVER… but the difference is that he is Michael Fassbender so he is getting laid a lot by this chicks who are all amazing looking. The only hiccup is that his sister played by Carey Mulligan needs to stay at his apartment because of something and she starts seeing his wild ways and her presence brings up old memories of some shared shitty childhood they had that led to Fassbender being this emotional unavailable. Either way, the movie looks very mellowdramatic and tense for a movie about every guy’s day dream of picking up chicks at bars, on subways, at friend’s barbecues and so forth. Also, the trailer has a decided Marathon Man feel although in that movie Dustin Hoffman looks like a kid toucher and in this movie Fassbender looks like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Anyway, could be an interesting rental. Posi-not-skiiip!

Sleeping Beauty

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I have a question. I saw this movie called Sucker Punch. It came out in March I believe of this year. People were saying how sexist the movie was because the male director had these early 20’s actresses dressed up all sexy when they were cutting robots in half with katanas. Now, the main actress of that movie was Emily Browning. In that movie, she played the hero who led her fellow young-ins out of a terrible place trying to combat these evil people along the way. In this movie, Emily Browning decides to get a job and that job is as a prostitute for old men who want to have sex with young girls who are basically catatonic. So, my question is… is this movie sexist? I’m still very unclear on why Sucker Punch is sexist, but this movie is just about old men having sex with a lifeless Emily Browning and she’s doing this willingly as a job of her choosing, so my question is this going to be seen as sexist or is it not sexist because a woman directed it? That’s my question. The movie itself seems stupid. I mean in all honesty, if you want to see Emily Browning naked – which you do now as well as should have since you saw Sucker Punch – there are plenty of stills and clips from this movie on line and you kind of see her naked or you do, I can’t remember. You at the very least get a great idea of what Emily looks like naked. Anyway, this movie seems stupid to me. Sexy Skiiiiiip.

I Melt With You

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If The Hangover was a drama and no one wanted to see it. That’s what I think the point of this movie is. It’s really to prove that you can get 4 reasonably to very attractive white men and make them pretend to be friends and watch them drink is really not the key to success for any movie. Also, I’m pretty sure this movie was just an experiment to see how many forlorn and staring into the distance of the meaningless future shots they could get of these 4 men and string them together and to call it a movie. The trailer is absolutely what I just described and unless someone tricks you into seeing this movie or you’re blood related to someone involved in the making of this movie then you will not only not see this movie, but you’ll forget the name of it and the idea that it even existed by the end of this post. Yep. That’s how good this movie looks. Completely forgettable and skiiiiiiip.

New Year’s Eve

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Nope.

Not seeing this. Honestly, I would choose death over seeing this. Death by what? Well, anything. I’m not sitting through this movie no matter what is at stake. I mean you would need to dig up Excalibur, give me the keys to Sweden, and grant me total immunity on international crimes and national crimes and probably let me torture and kill the creators of this movie and anyone who signed off on it to get me to consider sitting through this movie. Do you remember the movie Valentine’s Day? This actually looks worse. How is that even possible?! How could anything look worse than that movie? The same people made this atrocity as that one, but let’s stop talking about all of that. No one that you believe has any integrity in life is seeing this. Maybe someone you call a friend ends up seeing this, but you don’t think they have any integrity. They’re nice, but you wouldn’t trust them to make the right choice in a decision making situation… ever. Also, let’s stop talking about that too.

Let’s talk about one person and one person in particular, Lea Michele. A website I frequent, Egotastic, has such a great nickname for Lea that I love. I’m not sure if they were the ones who came up with it, but I have seen other people say stuff similar. Anyway, they call her the Hebrew School Hottie and I love it.

Oh yeah, she’s in that movie and I think she hooks up with Ashton Kutcher, so I’ll pretend like that doesn’t happen in my head. SKIIIIIIIP!

The Sitter

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Three things:

1. That is supposedly Jonah Hill’s phone number or at least it was. People called it and they talked to him or left messages on his voice mail, but I bet those phone calls became pretty ugly once people knew they were actually talking to him. That’s kind of how people get.

2. This movie is a ripoff of Adventures in Babysitting. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that before. A remarkable amount of this movie is very familiar to that movie. The problem is in that movie the main character was the very attractive Elizabeth Shue and in this movie we have the pre-weight loss Jonah Hill. Even if we had the post-weight loss Jonah Hill I wouldn’t want to have consensual sex with him nearly as much as I do with Elizabeth Shue now or then. Anyway, I really like that movie Adventures in Babysitting and I’m not a fan of Jonah Hill getting his chubby fingerprints all over it.

3. The movie is probably decently amusing. But I don’t want to see it. Skiiiiiip.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

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Here it is folks. The big movie. We’ve had a lot of supposed big movies come out this year and by and large they’ve all sucked big stinky dicks. This has been a fairly offensive year with its movies. I mean I just watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes and it was entertaining although I’m not sure what the point was and it kind of takes a lot for granted if this is the only prequel to the Planet of the Apes. But anyway, that was one of the best Summer movies and Spring movies and Winter from the beginning of this year and the movie isn’t all that particularly great. It just didn’t suck. I mean the movie definitely didn’t suck. Other movies sucked. That Harry Potter movie had a lot of suckiness in it and the Green Lantern sucked and Thor and Cowboys & Aliens and like a million others. Anyway… Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is supposed to be the big movie. It’s got about every British dude ever in it and then Gary Oldman playing British, which is ok because the man is a chameleon. It’s a spy movie, it’s an espionage movie, it’s a bunch of guys in suits saying “He’s the mole! And here is my lengthy investigative work to prove it!” and there will be talks of codes and breaking those codes and people at night looking up to a window where they can’t see a camera filming them, but they know it is there because if they were spying on themselves then they would be behind that window with a camera. Ya dig. No skiiip. Stay and watch this one.

We Need To Talk About Kevin

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If The Omen was an Oscar winner. That’s what this movie is going for. It is pretty much the same story as The Omen. A kid who seems like he’s just born evil and the one parent who doesn’t see it and thinks the other parent is crazy and the other parent isn’t sure if they’re right or are they crazy and the whole time the kid is an evil hellion in a nature and nurture kind of scenario. That’s what I’m seeing from it at least. It is supposed to be good. Tilda Swinton is supposed to be great in it, but she’s great in pretty much everything she is in, so I don’t know why she would stop now. It’s a horror/thriller/drama, but smart. That’s really the thing stopping The Omen or really any movie from being good is that they’re like “Well, what do people expect? An Oscar winning teenage vampire movie? It’s supposed to be stupid!” I guess. That’s the spirit! Failure without even a sense of succeeding in making an actual good movie instead of succeeding at making a shitty movie for the sake of it. The movie looks interesting. I like Tilda. I bet it is creep-city. That kid is so The Omen creepy. Is your kid evil? I’m not sure, but he gives me creepy douche chills like nobody’s business, so you might want to send him to a Native American lacrosse camp or something. Probably not a skiiiiip, probably a stay and see.

Young Adult

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I want to see. Why not? I’ve seen Jason Reitman’s other movies and have enjoyed them a lot. I’ve seen Diablo Cody’s other movies and enjoyed them quite a lot. This movie looks good. It’s got Patrick Wilson who is always bringing it. It’s got Patton Oswalt, which why the fuck not? And of course the star of the show is the lovely and a good/great actress Charlize Theron. The movie is about a chick who peaked in high school coming back to the town she grew up in and she hasn’t changed any and everyone else has grown up and she wants to get Patrick Wilson her old high school boyfriend back and he’s married and has a kid. It’s a pretty humorous premise. Also, Charlize is a young adult fiction writer in the movie. I’m not sure how much that plays into the movie because from the trailer it doesn’t appear to play any part, but I would love to see Diablo Cody take some shots at this horrible genre of books called young adult fiction. I would like that. I would like that very much. I’m seeing this. If you try to stop me then you’re going to fail. That’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’m seeing it. I’ve seen Thank You For Smoking, Juno and Up in the Air and I really enjoyed every minute of them, so I’m fucking seeing this. So what’s up now? Huh?! Want to fight about it? Let’s get froggy motherfucker. Let’s get to hoppin’! Not skiiip. Stay. See. Enjoy. Hopefully.

And lastly for today…

Alvin and the Chipmunks – Chipwrecked

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Nothing wrong here. Looks perfect. Well done.

SKIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!

Will continue tomorrow…

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5 Responses to “December Movies – It’s Either Them or Spending Time With Your Family or Freezing To Death – Part 1”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan, I will come see Young Adult with you. We can bring beer and answer all the trivia questions in record time. But I won’t save you a seat. I hate saving seats. I don’t do it. Ever.

  2. PWG said

    A Warrior’s Heart. Oh, that’s too funny. “We want to play off the Twilight thing, but if we do, we’re really catering to the people who felt there wasn’t enough incest in that movie.” Okay so their characters weren’t actually related, but it’s still situational incest. Like you wouldn’t sleep with your adopted brother even though you’re not related. Unless you’re a character in an overly dramatic Victorian romance, they were ALWAYS trying to get with their roguish bastard Gypsy ward of the manor half sibling.

  3. The only reason I actually want to see “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” is because I feel like I should. It’s also why I saw “The Kings Speech” (and regretted it). Gotta keep up this charade of “intelligence”/make up for enjoying “Fast Five” as much as I did somehow…

  4. Axiom said

    “What?… Negroid is not the ‘other N word’.. It is a perfectly scientific word… It’s like Caucasoid and Mongloid for Asians… Speaking of Asians.. How come there are no Asian Artists.. EVER.. at this “events”?… And how come the only Hispanic is a Girl in a Sea of negroids and a few Caucasian Artists?.. and never a Hispanic dude unless he is Mulatto like a Puerto Ricans or Gay like Ricky martin?… I think you people and the Industry are incredibly Racist against Hispanics, Asians and Heterosexuals… That’s just my humble opinion…”

    Read that, yet again you keyboard, gladiator… You sure like to let your bloodthirsty ways find expression through your monkey fingers don’t ya?… PUSSY.
    You chimp minded asshole… Obviously you are the one that will have a horrible death since all you ever do is talk shit about people and support Racism against Asians and Hispanics.. If anyone would be prime candidate for a beating that would be your smelly, anti Humanity bag of AIDS self… Your not fooling no one you negroid loving ass kisser… Your not racist towards negroids but you totally are against Hispanics and Asians.. It’s 2011, there should be a more diverse representation in Hollywood than just negroids and Jews…. Don’t you think?
    Funny how you immediately went to attack me with “rape”.. So apart from being a Racist negroid ass kisser and promoter of favoritism and injustice, you are also a rapist?.. I thought so, because you are a fanatic of inequality, Racism, drug abuse and the abuse of women everywhere and you are at the same level as the worst religious extremist, fanatics found in the Middle East except you are mindlessly fanatical about perpetuating Racial preference towards negroids and anything that will drag women down to an inferior level as that of street whores….

    You are really just a bag of mindless, parasitical shit, who goes crazy, banana monkey with Hate when ever anyone dares to critic the established order of negroid preference over other Races.. and you did absolutely NOTHING to counter that fact, with any logical argument, indicating that, you were cornered and had to resort to a most mindless, bloodthirsty Baboon, stance.. shedding light upon your inner lack of intellect (due to the booze and crack for sure) and defense against such an obvious, Social FACT…
    There are Never any Asian or Hispanic Artists in Hollywood, except gay or mulatto ones.. Or the occasional girl.. Other than that, it’s OVERWHELMINGLY negroid.. Even Whites are a minority at AMA.. It’s all a pile of shit.. Like your face and your Brain is.. I hope you DIE soon you enabler of Racial inequality, injustice and degradation of women everywhere.. I wish I knew where you lived…. So me and a couple hundred Hispanics and Asians could pay you a visit……… Just to speak to you about your unjust, unfair, anti Humanity, anti Democratic, Racist ways…………

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