December Movies – It’s Either Them or Spending Time With Your Family or Freezing To Death – Part 2

November 23, 2011

As I start today’s post, I have one thing and one thing only going through my head…

WHITESNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I have listened to a lot of Whitesnake in my life. I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted to as much on this website as well believing Whitesnake shaped a healthy (unhealthy) chunk of my sexual identity with “Is This Love”. Right now, I’m listening to it and all I can say is you can keep Paris in the 20’s or New York in the 70’s because I wish I lived with Whitesnake in Los Angeles in the 80’s. But wooooo(!) the 90’s must have been rough, real rough.

Anyway, next set of December movies! Thunder Thunder Thundercats!!!! HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Carnage

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Looks good. First thing first, yes John C. Reilly is in two movies that come out in December and both look good. Meanwhile, Jeremy Piven is in two indie movies in December, which you won’t see, but don’t worry they both look horrible. Back to Carnage, the cast is the 4 you see in the poster right there and that’s Jodie Foster, Mr. C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz, and Kate Winslet. So that’s like a perfect cast. Also, they’re directed by famed jacuzzi ass rapist Roman Polanski. The movie looks great. It is a play turned into a movie and the entire movie takes place at the C. Reilly and Foster’s place through a myriad of sarcastic and emotionally charged conversations between the two couples. It’s about Waltz and Winslet’s kid I believe picking on C. Reilly and Foster’s kid, but they’re all such weird people and having troubles of their own that the dialouges become about that. I’ve seen some good reviews for it. It’s a short movie, so put that shit on your Netflix or on your OnDemand future queue. It will be worth it. No skiiiip… see… when you get the chance.

Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol

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I’m excited. I will be seeing this movie in the theaters. It is in IMAX and I’m not sure where one of those is around me, but I will try to find one and if I can’t find one then I still see it in the normal theaters, but then lie to everyone I talk to and tell them I saw it in IMAX making them feel like they need to see it in IMAX and if/when they do then I can feel like I paid it forward and I’ve done my duty as a conscious citizen of the world. So yeah, Mission Impossible 4. The directors of these MI movies are really something else. The first was handled by Brian De Palma, which was a pretty good/great movie. The second was done by John Woo and it wasn’t a good movie, but it was a good action movie. The third was made by J.J. Abrams and it was excellent. This 4th installment is by first time human director Brad Bird. Mr. Bird did direct The Incredibles, Iron Giant, Ratatouille and some TV cartoon stuff. So he’s directed… just not people. Now, he is directing the greatest of us people and that is Tom Cruise. I’ve stated before, this guy rarely rarely rarely makes bad movies. He rarely makes anything that is less than watchable. Anyway, this looks like it is filled with crazy action, crazy stunts, crazy Tom Cruise. Also, this movie will be the apparent end of Cruise in this franchise as Jeremy Renner is set to take over the reins, which is another reason to see the movie… see Tom leave, see Jeremy enter. Yep. Cruise, Bird, Renner, guns. See it. No skiiiip… see in the theaters on the biggest screen that you can find!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

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I’m seeing this too, but I don’t understand something. There are like a million weeks a year every year, right? It’s something like that. It’s over 30 weeks a year, I know for sure, but under like two million weeks. There are all these weeks and all these weeks have a Friday to release a movie on and of all those Fridays that were open, someones thought that Mission Impossible and Sherlock Holmes should open on the same one and not think that was fucking stupid? Spread that shit around, you fucktards. Anyway, I’m seeing this. If you didn’t see the first Sherlock Holmes movie then you’re missing out and you should go see it. Is it some Oscar winning thing? No, but it is damn entertaining though. Way more entertaining than Iron Man or those Pirates movies. This is the hotly anticipated sequel. My only problem with this movie is that there was a period of time that I thought this movie was going to GREAT and now I think it will be great. You see the difference? The first time it was a TALL GREAT and the second time it was a short great. Reason being, Holmes’ arch-nemesis Moriarty is in this movie and there was quite the rumor mill going about who would play Robert Downey Jr.’s nemesis. People rumored Brad Pitt, Gary Oldman, Daniel Day-Lewis, Sean Penn and Javier Bardem. Personally, Daniel-Day Lewis is far and away the most compelling of those choices, either way they’re all A-List actors. Instead the role went to Jared Harris. Who? You’re very correct in the who who whoing owl noises about Jared Harris. He is a fine actor most may remember from Mad Men, but certainly doesn’t carry the proverbially nutsack of acting notoriety that the others do. Anyway, the first movie was very entertaining and the second probably will be as well. No skiiiiip… seeing it.

The Adventures of Tin Tin

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Yeeeeeeeeeep. I highly doubt I’ll see this movie in the theaters, but if I do I hope I’m high while seeing it. When this movie was first announced people were shitting on it. When the trailer came out, I think I remember people were shitting on it again, but then when a second trailer came out everyone shut the fuck up. The trailer is actually pretty good/great. It’s by Steven Spielberg and it’s produced by Peter Jackson and written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish. A lot of proverbial behind camera big nutsacked dudes. It’s an animated movie with the same animation style as Polar Express. It’s a kids’ movie, but it looks pretty good. It’s corny/cheesy, but the action looks like it could be pretty thrilling and it is in 3D and people know that makes movies a million times better (RIGHT?!), so if you have a kid -> take that kid -> to see -> this movie -> instead of the chipmunk movie. The funny thing I remember people griping about this movie was they were like “why does this movie have to be made?” and I think the same can be said for nearly every movie made, so what’s your point? It was made, now let’s see it or don’t see it and judge the hell out of it. Skiiiiiiipable if you don’t have a kid, but I’ll probably catch it one day on la computadora.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

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I can’t believe I’m going to see this movie twice and I didn’t even want to see it once. First thing first, if you look hard enough and get your face close enough to your computer screen you’ll see some nipple. Honestly, if you get close enough to any picture on any computer then you’ll swear you’re seeing some nipple. That’s just how this works, but really there is some nipple showing up in that picture. Anyway, I saw the original movie and was woefully unprepared for it. If you remember the poster for the original dragon tattoo having girl, it looked like a 12 year old goth girl in front of a fire place sitting Indian style. I honestly thought this movie was about a female Avatar: The Last Airbender or something. Then the movie starts and I’m learning about some Robert Langdon wannabe getting fired from his newspaper job and randomly cutting to some Cradle of Filth groupie getting raped and then raping her raper all within the first hour of the movie. WOEFULLY unprepared. What in the fuck is happening?! And it only got more Law & Order: SVU from there. I’ve never been to Sweden and one day I would like to go and that’s Kool and the Gang because I’m a dude, but if you’re a woman and you live in Sweden or you are thinking about going to Sweden then you shou- RUN RUN RUN RUN RUUUUUUNNNN!!!! GET AWAY FROM THERE!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! THEY DON’T LIKE YOU OVER THERE!!!! JUST RUN!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!! Apparently in Sweden, the national pastime is raping and murdering women. Now in the United States of America, the national pastime is baseball and I would argue it has really become football, nevertheless in Sweden the pastime is as mentioned the RAPE and MURDER of WOMEN. So don’t go over there! Stay away from there! Hot stove! Don’t touch! But I digress… I’ll end up seeing this movie solely because of David Fincher. I’ve seen every other film he’s directed and I do love his directing – minus Curious Case of Benjamin Button and that was more his screenplay’s fault than the directing – and I can only see the movies he chooses to make. I wish he chose to make a different film than the remake of a movie that just came out and was a good movie in its own right, but he didn’t so this is what I get. It will probably be just as good of a movie as the original movie was, but with a better soundtrack and more meatier visuals. I did read they changed the ending of the movie, but it just sounds like they made it bloodier, but who knows. Either way, if you’re sitting around the Christmas table thinking to yourself, “I’d really like to see a tale of rape and murder from Sweden” then guess what?! I wish I could skiiiiip, but I’ll probably see.

In the Land of Blood & Honey

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Honestly, the only reason anyone cares about this movie is because of this above picture – Angelina Jolie directed it. In the directorial debut of Ms. Jolie, oh who cares, right? I think we all tuned out after that other sentence. Honestly, the movie looks like Beyond Borders to me, but I didn’t see Beyond Borders, so who knows? It’s about the Bosnian war and it’s really about some bad guy who kills people is having this loving relationship with a woman who is one of those people he would usually kill and she knows he is evil, but I don’t know. Angelina, aren’t you in charge of like being an ambassador and stuff and fixing Africa and New Orleans? Not that you shouldn’t direct, but I don’t know… I generally imagine you are doing like good stuff with your time and then everyone once and a while you have Republican meltdowns, but then you pull yourself together and get back to adopting Africa or whatever. The movie looks fine, but just another random historical fiction movie? Whatever. The movie was shot in English as well as Bosnian (?) at the same time, so there’s that. Skiiiiiip.

We Bought a Zoo

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I’m going to hit you with the skiiiiiip early on because I think you’ve been already swayed by the title, the poster, and the pretty people in the movie. It doesn’t look good. It looks gay. Like running around in the grass with a silk scarf trailing behind you – gay. That didn’t help. I don’t mean ass sex, I mean just too happy-go-lucky and whimsical et cetera. Also, this Matt Damon guy is forced into buying this zoo and then it JUST SO HAPPENS that Scarlett Johansson comes with the zoo. Yeah? A single and looking for it Scarlett comes with the zoo you were “forced” to buy. That is easily the greatest happiest coincidence of all time. I don’t even know how I can register this as anything but amazing things happening to this guy. The problem is that this is supposed to be a family overcoming hardships and nonsense, but when Scarjo is involved it is all about GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE EVERY DAMN DAY type of stuff. The movie is also directed by Cameron Crowe. I think Cameron Crowe ran out of talent. I think that can happen as well. He made Say Anything, Singles, Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous. You did well. You did really well. Those are 4 great movies. If you haven’t seen all 4 then go see them, they’re better than just about anything else, so see them. But I don’t think I want to see anything else by Mr. Crowe ever again. Skiiiiiip.

The Darkest Hour

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This looks shitty. There was a time when Timur Bekmambetov’s name meant something to me. So much so, that I made sure I remembered how to spell it and say it properly. Timur made two movies that I thoroughly enjoyed Night Watch and Day Watch – both are Russian action movies. There was supposed to be a Dawn Watch I believe, but I’m not sure that ever happened. Anyway, then Timur made a little movie called Wanted and it SUCKED. Since then, Timur has had his name attached as producer and such for several movies and I have seen a few and they all suck. The movie 9 for instance sucked big hairy cocks. Now, this movie isn’t directed by Timur, but it is produced by him and the movie looks like dog shit. Shit from dogs. Anyway… let’s pretend like this movie didn’t happen. You’ll forget the name of this movie in a minute or two anyway and you won’t see it no matter what I say or don’t say about it. So let’s move on… Mr. Timur Bekmambetov does have one movie on the horizon that may save my falling opinion of him… Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Yes. You read that all correctly. If that movie isn’t FUCKING AMAZING then I will cease to remember Timur’s name or how to spell it or how to say it correctly. Damn you, Timur. Do right by us! You owe us! Skiiiiiip.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

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This and the next are the movies we’re supposed to cry during. There are a lot of talented people involved in this movie and it’s directed by a director that you may like – Stephen Daldry of The Hours and Billy Elliott and The Reader fame. See the thing is, I don’t like those movies… well Billy Elliott is good, but the other two… meh. Anyway, that’s me and me is a dude with balls and penis and a Y chromosome, so I just don’t care about The Hours. Back to the movie at hand, the movie is about a kid ^^^^ that kid in particular whose dad dies in 9/11 and the kid thinks the dad has placed all these hidden messages through out the city for him to unravel and figure out. I’m expecting this movie to be in some ways a glorified tour of New York City like The Adjustment Bureau was, but hopefully much much much better. As mentioned, there are a lot of great actors in this movie playing side roles to this kid and the movie is I believe based on a novel by Jonathan Safran Foer and I like his previous work a lot. So, it will be good, right? I don’t know. I’m not really too interested in this movie, but it could be really good. It could also be so heartwarming that you’re like who gives a shit. And that’s how that stuff works. Looks better than the zoo movie. Posi-skiiiip, posi-see. Fence movie.

War Horse

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If this movie came out in May, I would have totally seen it. Living in the New York region, I was slammed with commercials for the War Horse play on Broadway and if this movie came out earlier this year when that was happening every damn commercial break – I would have seen the shit out of it. Now, I’m not sure. It looks like a cry and/or tears in the eyes every damn minute kind of movie because you’re like “something better not happen to that damn horse because if something happens to that horse… I’ll probably just sit here and bawl.” It’s another Steven Spielberg heartwarming tale of heartwarming tales and I don’t really want to see it anymore. Maybe I will, but I’m kind of over it at this point. If I do see it, it will be just to make sure nothing happens to that damn horse. Something better not happen to that horse! It better be alive at the end of that movie wearing like a wreath of flowers and believe me it knows what it did. It knows! So it better be alive. If it isn’t then I’m seriously going to cry through New Years. Posi-skiiiip, definitely bring tissues if you see it.

The Iron Lady

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Lastly, this British bullshit that I won’t be seeing. What is it about Christmas that means Americans want to see another tale of governmental greatness concerning those fucking Brits? The Queen, The King’s Speech and, now, The Iron Lady. This movie is having a limited run starting on December 30th and will open with a wider release (that’s what she said) in January, but who gives a fuck? Not me. I couldn’t give any less fucks about this movie. I haven’t seen The Queen, I haven’t seen The King’s Speech and I will go to my grave in 2089 with a samurai sword, a laser rifle and the bones of a velociraptor without seeing this damn movie. Who the fuck cares?! Honestly, these movies do not make you more British, help you learn about the British and lastly who the fuck wants to be MORE British? I feel like there was some secret treaty made when WE defeated the BRITISH that we wouldn’t forget about that country and we would write stories and plays and produce their stories and plays about their miniscule accomplishments. I’m really more focusing a lot of that hate on The King’s Speech. It was a fucking speech! That was it. Are they over there making movies about Martin Luther King Jr.? They should be. Are we even making movies about MLK? We should be. Anyway, this movie looks stupid. It looks like a pretty light smattering of bullshit about Margaret Thatcher that won’t make you know anything more about the woman than you already know. Thatcher is actually a very important character over the past 30 years and this movie does not look like it will do a good job of talking about the controversies revolving around her. It will more so be, “Hey Meryl Streep sure can do a British accent am I right?” Whatever. Who the fuck cares?! I can’t stress that enough. Just skiiiiiip this movie. Skiiiip Skiiiip Skiiiiiiiiip!

That’s December.

Some good.

Some bad.

Either you can see the movies or just hang around with the heat off under a blanket boner poking with your little spoon until it hits Spring in 2012. ESKIMOS!

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4 Responses to “December Movies – It’s Either Them or Spending Time With Your Family or Freezing To Death – Part 2”

  1. PWG said

    You sneaked up on me with the “and will open with a wider release (that’s what she said)” up there. Didn’t even see it coming* and as the most juvenile person in almost any room, that doesn’t happen very often.

    Your earworm is better than mine, I’ve had the Muppets’ Rainbow Connection stuck in my head for four hours now, ever since I read a review that said the new Muppet movie with Jason Segal is all sincere and heartwarming. Here’s a link that probably won’t embed, but you can still click on the URL part for Kermit-y nostalgia.

  2. PWG said

    No one wanted to like the first Sherlock Holmes movie more than I did. I love Robert Downey Jr. and I love Holmes. He was my role model growing up until I matured enough to realize that an arrogant, cynical, messy, misanthropic drug addict (Holmes, not Downey) was maybe a bad choice. Too late by then, though. So I feel perfectly comfortable saying that movie hideous.

    I will see Mission Impossible because of the stunts and Simon Pegg, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo because of Daniel Craig and David Fincher. And because it’s too late for my movie ticket dollars to encourage Stieg Larsson to write any more books.

  3. Phew, I thought I was going to be the only person who thought “We Bought A Zoo” looked like a steaming pile of horseshit. Or maybe tiger shit or something more exotic… Liger shit. People everywhere are blowing it because it has a decent cast and director, but I can’t get over Matt Damon’s weird haircut and overabundance of denim. Not at all shallow.

  4. KStewBoy said

    I’m for sure going to see “We Bought a Zoo”. But then I do love gay movies. And gay movies with Scarjo are tops (after gay movies with The Wantness, of course).

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