The Weekend, Jets Fans, Twilight Cast in Battle Royale, and UFC invades Japan

November 29, 2011

I AM ALIVE!

Yep.

It’s true that I’m back to being alive in terms of this website because I’m writing this here and now. I was alive yesterday and I kind of just hung out with my dogs (not figurative speech for friends) and I returned some video games to buy a new video game, so basically it was any average 14 year old boy’s day for me yesterday. For you? I have no idea what happened to you, but I do know I didn’t post, so your life was less fulfilled than it could have been. I’m not saying I’m the full 100% of happiness of your day, but I’m a solid 15% chunk just sitting there to be fed upon each and every week day… except for the week days that I spend listening to sports talk radio instead of posting. In all honesty, I didn’t enjoy my time away from you all, but it was necessary. I must hear the idiocy of these sports talk radio people especially on Mondays and Fridays going into a weekend of football and coming out from one. Anyway, there is way too much child molestation talk going this football season for my liking. I mean get your own schtick Syracuse. And… on to the post…

“Nah man, you’re like the white version of me.” I wish Quinton said that to Ryan. He probably said something similar, but that would be hilarious. Quinton aka Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and Ryan aka Ryan “Darth” Bader will fight each other in a cage in Japan at the end of February. I can’t wait for it. The two of them are several years off age wise with Bader being in his late 20’s and Rampage being in his mid 30’s, but they look so evenly proportioned physically. It’s like they are a science experiment where the UFC is going to meld these two together to create an even more superior 205 pound cage-fighter and they had to choose two fighters who occupy the exact same out of mass and space… and here you go.

You complete me.

Nah. We complete each other.

(imagine a heavy German evil Nazi accent) Vee have done eet! Here are your two candidates for zee Superman project! Soon zee Rampage and zee Darth vill be ONE! EIN! From there… VEE TAKE OVAH THE VORLD!!!!!!! … ahem… I mean vee then have the greatest light-heavyweight cage-fighter and you will see great fighting, yah? Ok. He will also be a lovely toffee color. Right? Guten.

The guy in the middle all pumped in the suit is the toppest of top brass in the UFC – Lorenzo Fertitta. Also, he’s not German as far as I know, but to me in my crazy brain he’s used a little bit of the Super Soldier serum on himself, but not enough to make his face go all Red Skull.

I was looking through this picture gallery from UFC Japan and it just made me laugh. I have several more to get through.

But first…

I did go to the enemy’s lair on Sunday and survived unscathed (others not so fortunate)…

I saw… the…

NEW YORK JETS!!!!

Right? I hate them.

I will say this, I was rooting against the Jets and for the Buffalo Bills quietly in my head, but there really was no one rooting for anyone outside of the quiety in their own heads. The stadium was near silent except for people talking about things that had nothing to do with the game. It was completely civil in a bad way. It’s a FOOTBALL GAME! SCREAM! YELL! GET THE FUCK INTO IT! It was like reverse psychology because I dislike the Jets a lot, but being at their home game with their fans all around me and them barely cheering made me feel like I should cheer for them because it was their dumbass stadium and their fans weren’t helping out. Very tricky.

The Jets suck. So do the Bills. The Bills suck. The game itself was the most peaceful 28-24 game I could have ever imagined. The crowd only got riled up with a minute left and the Bills were on their last minute drive to win the game… and should have because Stevie Johnson dropped a touchdown pass without anyone touching him or anything, but that really plays into the whole “the Bills suck” thing. The crowd got into the game for the first time then as if the tryptophan from Thanksgiving and its leftovers finally wore off. All sleepy eyed they yelled and screamed to awake the Jets defense to do absolutely nothing considering it was the Bills themselves that were simply dropping game winning passes.

Either way, football is football and it was nice to go to a game and get a look at the new stadium.

LOVE IT! From left to right… UFC lightweight champion and New Jersey’s second son (first being Bruce Springsteen) FRANKIE “THE ANSWER” EDGAR. Then jacked Lorenzo who is actually bigger than the champ. It’s amazing how Frankie gives up size to all his opponents and even his bosses. And the odd man out who didn’t get the suit memo, Benson “Smooth” Henderson who will fight Frankie in JAPAN!

Frankie is the man. If Frankie successful defends the lightweight strap for the fourth time and beats Ben and he keeps wearing these baller-ass suits (not baller ass-suits) then he needs to change his name to Frankie “The Don” Edgar. Just saying. The dude looks gangster and he fights gangster and he’s an Italian Jersey shore dude.

As for the challenger, Benson is a legit threat. He is a complete athlete. He is strong, explosive, great endurance, he has good striking especially wild kicks and knees, he has great wrestling, strong submission game, has a really good chin and everything… and he’s very flexible… for the ladies… and for defending takedowns and throwing kicks.

Back to the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS shitty fans for a moment…

1. They either have no confidence in their team and/or have just lost their fire for their team and that is why they weren’t cheering.

2. The men’s room STUNK of weed, so maybe the entire stadium was hot boxing the 300 level men’s room and I didn’t get the evite and that’s why they were so mellow.

SEXYAMA!!!!!!

As the nameplate suggests, this is Yoshihiro Akiyama and more importantly known as SEXYAMA!!! Most likely the origination of his nickname started because he’s arguably the sexiest half Japanese half Korean walking this planet. Look at him. I bet he smells wonderful. There is no way that he wouldn’t. Do you really think Sexyama would go to these lengths of wearing such a modern and perfectly tailored suit with the pocket flourish and the gorgeous tan and not add something special for the olfactories? You would be nuts to think that. On any given day, I imagine Sexyama smells of the wind sweeping through the white sands of a pristine beach on an undiscovered island that is tucked away in the deep Pacific ocean… then he takes a shower and I imagine he washes himself in lavender and rose water like a Roman emperor. After that, maybe a hint of champagne and a single bead of sweat. I don’t know. I’m already getting flustered and flushed just thinking about it. I bet you could wring out his gym shorts and sell it as cologne.

The least bit Sexyama over here is Jake Shields who will be fighting Sexyama… in… JAPAN!

Should be an interesting fight. The fight is at welterweight (170 pounds) and Sexyama has never fought at that weight. Meanwhile, Jake is coming off a tough two losses for the first time ever in his career. Should be a good fight.

Regardless… we’re talking about JAPAN… so let’s talk about

BATTLE ROYALE!

You may have seen this Japanese movie or read the Japanese book or read the Japanese manga…

They’re all pretty similar. A bunch of high schoolers are gassed and put on a secluded island to kill each other in a short period of time until one is left remaining and they’re all wearing explosive dog collars to track them and to kill them if they don’t compete. So… in some ways it is an adult Hunger Games. Either way, they are planning on making an American remake of this movie because us Americans just love remaking foreign films. Why on Earth wouldn’t we just show the foreign film… who knows? Anyway, they’re remaking it. But I do have one idea for the movie that I think would make it gold…

The Twilight cast is the movie.

Instead of the crazy ass government grabbing high school kids in the future, how about whoever is the bad guy just kidnaps all the Twilight kids and throws them onto the island. RIGHT?!

There are two ways of looking at this I suppose and either works for me…

1. They are the actual Twilight kids as in the kids in the movie Twilight. It is Edward and Bella and Jacob and whatever the rest of their names are… Brad? Dave? Lisa? I don’t know. Anyway, they’re high school kids and vampires and werewolves and they’re on the island and they have to kill each other. Will Edward kill Bella to survive? Would Bella kill Anna Kendrick’s character to survive? Obviously, their super powers would come into play as well as the others lack of super powers. Fill up the island with characters until we have 21 dudes and 21 chicks and there you go. Plus the island think does fit into Twilight’s frame work, right? I’ve seen people mention something about water not being good for the vampires, right? Either way, it doesn’t matter. They’re on an island and they can’t get off until everyone, but one is dead.

2. They are the actors who are playing the Twilight kids. On some promotional tour, they get all the Twilight actors together from Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning to Kristen Stewart (wanting IT) and Nikki Reed and Kellan Lutz and so forth. Then their plane is gassed and they wake up on the island and are now forced to kill each other like mentioned. That would be great as well. It would easily get all the Twilight fans to see this movie PLUS it would get all these people (like me) who just want to see them blow up on screen and everyone will share in the hilarity. Plus I hope they follow the manga because it is way more violent and especially sexual. There’s one chick who is constantly getting naked and luring people to drop their guard and then she kills them and in my mind that is Ashley Greene. I’m just saying this would be great. Again, will Kristen have to kill Rob or will Rob have to kill Kristen? Will Taylor Lautner use his taekwondo skills to kill other people? Seriously, who wouldn’t want to see this?!

I really don’t want to see a straight American remake, but if they did either of those ideas I would pre-order tickets and wait in line.

Plus… anyone who has a dog collar fetish will fucking love this movie.

Yushin Okami got the suit memo.

Yushin looks straight out of movie when they do dress up their monster muscle man in a suit and he looks all calm and then it is time to fight and he literally tears a man’s head off. If Superman were Japanese then Yushin Okami should play him.

Lastly with these pictures…

For some reason, the rest of the Japanese fighters did not get the suit memo and instead got a different memo about them dressing up like they’re in a boy band.

Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto and Hatsu Hioki.

As well as…

Takeya Mizugaki, Riki Fukada and “The Fireball Kid” Takanori Gomi.

I feel like Gomi is kind of the Mark Wahlberg of the bunch and Norifumi is the Donnie Wahlberg. Hatsu is the young good looking one for the girls want a nice guy to take them on dinner dates and strolls through the park and drive-in movies. Fukuda is the jock. And Mizugaki is the oldest member (not in real life though, just in this fantasy world) who made some questionable life decisions prior to joining a boy band and is really hoping this works out because he has seen how cruel life can be.

I think that’s just about all the randomness for the day.

Did you have a good weekend and Thanksgiving?

Advertisements

5 Responses to “The Weekend, Jets Fans, Twilight Cast in Battle Royale, and UFC invades Japan”

  1. PWG said

    I zoomed way in to see that Rampage is wearing a silver hand grenade around his neck. Which makes me think of Monty Python and the Holy Hand Grenade, so he loses intimidation points for that. But I do like the picture where he and Ryan look like they’re about to make out, and Ryan’s hat brim is actually bent back because they’re trying so hard to get at each others’ lips for the sexy man on man action.

  2. PWG said

    Driving to work today I saw that the marquee on the Grizzly Rose has “Live MMA!!!” coming up. The Grizzly Rose is a big country bar in Denver, supposedly one of the best damn honky tonks and dance halls in the world, whatever that means. I don’t know, I’ve never been in the place, but you get your Garth Brooks and Willie Nelson types playing there all the time.

    And now, apparently, live cage fighting. I’m trying to decide if this is going to be a match made in heaven or a tragic headline after the fact. If you’re taking bets, I will point out that the Griz won 2007’s “Best Place to Find Non-Ironic Mullets on Men” award.

  3. The only problem with your Twilight Battle Royale idea is that none of them can actually act… So, if it’s going to be even remotely convincing, it’s going to have to be real.

    But I do like the idea of someone sparkling in the woods and giving away their location to their murderers…

  4. cledbo said

    I’m BACK. I’ve decided the only bad thing about the prolificness of your writing is that when I go away for a week to a place with no internet access, I come back and don’t have time at work to read all the posts I missed.

    I do, however, now know what movies to see and which to skiiiiip these holidays. A valuable public service, my man.

    Any way, just know that I love you even when I can’t be here. (I’m talking to HB and PWG, clearly).

    (Oh, and you too Jordan, just so you don’t cry. Manly tears, but tears none-the-less)

    Twilight Battle Royale, or Twilight Series 7? The underlying message of Series 7 fits more – except it’s the only way they’ll *stay* famous after Twilight; by killing each other in gloriously imaginative ways.

  5. KStewBoy said

    We need an “ignore/block poster” feature on here. This one just ruined my lunch.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: