Movies Are STUPID, but they sure beat the Hell out of reading…

November 30, 2011

It’s Wednesday!

Seeing that it is Wednesday, I have tied a new record that I just made up! Waking up three days in a row with a head ache! YEAH! Woooh! We’re number 1! We’re number 1! I could just go back to sleep right now and lay in bed all day to try and skip to tomorrow to see if it will be a record breaking Thursday, but that’s just the silliest idea ever, right? Uhhhhhh…

Anyway…

There has been all this NEWS going on recently like the greatest working stand-up comedian Patrice O’Neal dying at 41 years old, which I don’t feel like talking about because that shit is sad. I saw Patrice perform for the first time live not too long ago and he made me laugh so hard that an hour into his set I was absolutely tired of laughing. I just couldn’t do it anymore. He laughed me to the point where laughing was an activity that I just couldn’t participate in anymore. Imagine eating ice cream. Whatever delicious flavor will make your whole head feel joy and then your stomach feel glee and your pants feel all squishy (?), so that’s great stuff, but then imagine eating that saying ice cream non-stop for an hour. That ice cream is dead to you after an hour. It’s too much. It’s too much for a finite life form to handle and that’s what Patrice O’Neal did to me. The man was so funny he tested the limits of my own existence. And then kept performing for another half hour after that. So, I’m sad to never see him again.

Anyway…

Herman Cain is a worse sexter than I am. That’s comforting. It doesn’t make me any better at it, but at least I know I’m not alone. That was the eye opening moment of the Tiger Woods scandal for me. A. Tiger can’t spell. B. Tiger can’t sext. Actually, now that I think about it, sexting or cybering or any of that oddly reverts to elementary school level writing. What are you wearing? What am I wearing? Would you like me to do this? I’m doing this. It’s like the most scandalous English as a Second Language class ever. Also, Tiger’s spelling was so atrocious that it made me wonder if actually typing on a cell phone makes you dumber or was Tiger typing like that because the girls he was typing to were such idiots he thought they would understand that better than complete sentences with proper spelling? But we’ve all been on Twitter, which is more or less just text messaging EVERYONE and people are actually retarded when there is no oversight committee watching them.

Anyway…

Let’s get into the movie news…

BAM!

Didn’t expect that, did you?

That is the concept art for the Lizard Man from The Amazing Spider-Man movie.

Looks pretty terrible, right? Is this all we got? I have had Lizard Man action figures that looked way better than that. They looked more fearsome as well as more lizard-y. He kind of looks like Voldemort’s brother who has better cheek bones and a gym membership… still no nose.

Also, what is with the pose? He’s very provocatively blocking us from seeing his lizard penis. I’m not really well versed on the transformation from human to lizard, but does his junk stay like human junk, but now it is lizard-y or does his penis go through like a real lizard transformation and now it is a lizard penis? I mean you never see a lizard walking around and see his balls and shaft just dangling between its gecko legs like a dog or a horse or a man walking around on all fours. So, is the Lizard Man covering up just a Ken doll patch of lizard skin where his penis used to be… or is his penis just all scale-y now?

If you’re wondering, I’m absolutely terrified of both scenarios, so now that I take a step back and think about it – this may be the greatest concept art ever and is in fact way more fearsome than my action figures. I never once considered their peen area, but this Lizard Man may have one the battle before the fight has started because I’m not touching him – he creeps me out.

Anyway…

She wants IT.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

And by IT, I mean appearing in horrible movies… namely the Americanized Akira.

Here is the newest and fullest synopsis for the Akira movie.

Kaneda (Garret Hedlund) is a bar owner in Neo-Manhattan who is stunned when his brother, Tetsuo, is abducted by government agents led by The Colonel (Ken Watanabe). Desperate to get his brother back, Kaneda agrees to join with Ky Reed (Kristen Stewart) and her underground movement who are intent on revealing to the world what truly happened to New York City thirty years ago when it was destroyed.

SPOILERS!

Kaneda believes their theories to be ludicrous but after finding his brother again, is shocked when he displays telekinetic powers. Ky believes Tetsuo is headed to release a young boy, Akira, who has taken control of Tetsuo’s mind. Kaneda clashes with The Colonel’s troops on his way to stop Tetsuo from releasing Akira but arrives too late. Akira soon emerges from his prison courtesy of Tetsuo as Kaneda races in to save his brother before Akira once again destroys Manhattan island, as he did thirty years ago.

It sounds terrible. A bar owner? Why? Listen, Garrett Hedlund is the main character of this movie, which already means it will be awful. I know there are a lot of ladies out there who want to have sex with him, but that doesn’t make him a good actor or an action star or a leading man or anything. I mean last night there was a Victoria’s Secret fashion show on TV and just because myself and any other sane heterosexual man wants to hide their non-lizard junk inside each and everyone of the women featured on that runway, doesn’t mean we think they should take foreign films and Americanize them and put them in the lead roles of them. Why can’t you just watch Garrett Hedlund walk up and down a runway in different pairs of underwear without ruining classic movies in the process? You are selfish and I can’t stand to look at you.

Ok, so no one really buys that Garrett Hedlund would be able to buy and run a bar let alone all the rest of this stuff. I’ve talked about how terrible the white washing of this movie is before, but even worse is just the stupidity of it. They’re brothers now? They were orphans in the original and that’s why they bound together and shared a connection with Akira in that way too. What’s the connection they share with Akira or the wrinkly children? I mean half of the story line is that they are orphan kids who are still relatively young when all of this is going down. Now, he’s just a bar owner. I guess this only really matters if you actually care about the original, which clearly no one making this movie does.

The worst part of the whole thing is why are they keeping any of the names and why are they keeping it Akira? Just call them whatever the fuck you want to call them. You took them out of Japan and you made them non-Japanese, so why is he still “Akira”? There’s just a white kid in Manhattan named Akira? That makes a fuck load of sense. And “Akira” will be chased after by “Tetsuo” (white kid) and “Kaneda” (also white)? Just call them Jack and Todd and they need to get to Chris. CHRIS! AHHHHHHHH… we can’t let CHRIS get out of his prison! AHHHHH!!!! It’s going to be terrible, so you might as well make it consistent.

Also, I am disgusted at Kristen Stewart for taking this movie.

I honestly have no idea who is out there supposedly trying to help her career, but this movie will TANK. TANK! TANK! I don’t know how else to say it… TANQUE, which is supposedly “tank” in Spanish. Tank is probably a semi-made up word like bazooka or computer – like after language had been set for thousands of years we all of a sudden were like NEW WORDS! But I digress… this movie will do shit in the theaters. It will take a poop in every theater in the United States and do even worse over seas. No one and I repeat NO ONE wants to see this movie. I don’t know how anyone thinks this would succeed in anyway shape or form. Literally, anyone who is apart of the making of this movie in the sense of allowing it to be made, and not just some day laborer grip that doesn’t care what movie they work on, is a FUCKING MORON! Tron 2 was a failure. If that movie couldn’t succeed with all the hype and it being a sequel and the 3D and the Daft Punk soundtrack and all that then how on Earth do they think this will work?

Also, to all the girls or I assume gay men who are rattling their twitter spears saying how excited they are in seeing Kristen Stewart take the role of this tough chick like Kei who is now Ky… you’re a fucking idiot. I’m sorry, but I have to assume that you have never seen the original movie and are just so blinded in your own want to see Kristen Stewart in any movie that you are excited about this.

Kei or Ky has one moment of strength and is immediately defeated. She’s one of a group of revolutionaries who are all slaughtered except for herself and Kaneda and Kaneda is the one saving her over and over again. Later in the movie, she gets super powers for a moment and is quickly defeated by Tetsuo. And she just stands by and screams KANEDA and Kaneda is screaming TETSUO and Tetsuo is screaming KANEDA and no one is doing shit because they all more or less fail and then Akira shows up and does whatever it is he does and reverses the whole explosion situation.

So don’t expect She-ra or anything. She mostly just turns down Kaneda’s sophomoric advances, which makes a 100x more sense in the movie because he’s a high school kid and she’s older than him, but now she’ll be younger than him and also he’ll own a bar. Plus let’s be serious, Kristen Stewart is totally a chick who would fall in love with some young guy who owns a bar.

This movie sounds like shit. It’s a waste of the Want.

Movie Reviews

Last week I watched a few movies that I believe are on DVD or should be or could be in the movie theaters or something… so look out for them or don’t.

THE DEBT – Jessica Chastain is crazy pretty. Sam Worthington is also fairly pretty. So those are positives. The rest of the movie is ok. It’s a decent rental I suppose. It feels more meaningful than just a shitty flick like Cowboys & Aliens or other big budget trash. The movie is historical fiction about World War II sort of, so you feel like you’re kind of learning something, but you’re not. The movie is well put together and decently acted and is a pretty simple story. My only problem with it is the title makes no sense. There is no real “debt” in the movie. But outside of that, it’s just as good of a rental as any other like B movie like Changing Lanes is. Remember that movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck? It’s as good as that plus Jessica Chastain is crazy pretty.

WARRIOR – Honestly, you out there reading this may enjoy the movie more than I did because I actually like MMA and the movie really doesn’t handle MMA well enough for an MMA fan to like this movie. It’s a mellow dramatic movie about a pair of brothers who just so happen to fight in MMA as a means to make money for something they need money for. I would say the biggest drawback for this movie is that it is too complicated. They try to create a backstory for the characters that they only lightly touch on, but the backstories are actually way more interesting than the movie you are watching. The acting is pretty good. The overall feel of the movie is no better production wise than shitty movies like Fighting with Channing Tatum although Warrior is a billion times better as far as the dialogue and as mentioned the acting. It’s really a movie for people who want to see a sad story with a happy ending instead of seeing an MMA movie. So don’t let the MMA fool you, there’s a chance you’ll like it more than I did.

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE – I recommend this. It is in the theaters now and if you have the chance check it out. It’s got John Hawkes playing haunting creepy, which he does real well. Hawkes seems like a guy who could just irrationally snap and just start knifing people and that’s good for this movie. As for the leading lady, Elizabeth Olsen is pretty great in the first movie I’ve ever seen her in and judging by her IMDB should be expecting to see her in much much more. The movie is more about being uncomfortable than being terrified, so it is a subtle thriller in that sense. I think people who are a fan of indie movies will enjoy it. Also, you get to see Elizabeth Olsen naked in the movie several times, which in all honesty I think everyone (minus her family members) will see that as a big plus to see this movie. She looks good naked too. I mean it is an enjoyable experience for everyone each time she gets nude. I mean you’re getting the whole package from Elizabeth in this movie where she’s the lead, she’s playing all different emotions in the movie, and you see her naked, so it was kind of everything I was hoping for in the flick.

THE FUTURE – The indiest! It is the new movie by Miranda July. If you have seen Me and You and Everyone We Know and you liked it then you should see this movie. If you have seen that movie and you didn’t like it then you probably shouldn’t see this one. Also, if you haven’t see that movie then this might not be the best movie to jump into or maybe it is – kind of hard to tell. Ms. July is an acquired taste. I really liked Me and You and Everyone We Know and this The Future was pretty good. The movies are similar and definitely show that Miranda has a very specific style she is going for in her writing, directing and taking the lead role in these movies approach. It’s half innocence and half sexual perversion. I think you’ll be able to tell within the first 10 minutes of the movie if you’re going to like or hate this movie. It’s definitely not for everyone, but if you like Miranda July then you’ll like the movie. I’m glad this chick is out there making these movies because I do enjoy them, but I would also be even more glad if this stuff never happened in real life and only happened in Miranda’s head. If you do see The Future, just want to throw this out there… it is kind of a spoiler… but if you can’t take fictional animals getting hurt then it’s a sad movie. I’m one of those people and the movie made me depressed afterward.

So…

She wants IT.

Kristen Stewart totally wants IT.

I’m not making this shit up.

Also, what’s with the fairly unfortunate looking scruff on both of these dudes?

Either way, she fucking wants IT.

LOOK AT HER!

What else is it? Kristen Stewart just wants IT.

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2 Responses to “Movies Are STUPID, but they sure beat the Hell out of reading…”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan, I must admit I have no clue about the current or past Akira movie. I tend to ignore stuff from Japan – it’s all so weird and Japanese.
    But based on your summary, this does seem like a major waste of The Want. Is she for sure it this one? If so, too bad.
    Thanks for your review of The Debt – this one will be a rental soon. She is crazy pretty. Her looks along ALMOST kept me awake during Tree of Life (worst movie of all time).

  2. PWG said

    It’s starting to look like Lautner is just photobombing all of Kristen’s and Rob’s pictures. Also, I call Photoshop on that last one. Taylor looks like he’s about 30 there, and he’s never looked a day over 15 in his life. I have no issues with any of the scruff.

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