We do… or I do.

Happy Thursday!

I have no year end list of my favorite this or my favorite that, but if it is just between the two of them then I’ll choose “that”.

“THAT” IS THE BEST IN 2011!!!!

Outside of that, I’m not going to recap what happened this year because every other website is doing as such.

There was a lot of wild stuff that happened this year. Osama Bin Laden was killed, the tsunami/earthquake that rocked Japan and I got an iPhone 4. Just crazy stuff. The NFL and the NBA both went through lockouts, Tim Pawlenty went extinct, Vancouver rioted and so did London, and I saw Thor in 3D and hated myself for doing so ever since. There have been ups and downs – mostly Alison Brie’s gorgeous bosom in gif form a million times over. Obama declared the end of the Iraq war, the Northern coast of Africa had an extreme face lift, Kim Jong Il is dead and Lady Gaga put out a shitty album that sound like Cher/Madonna/Shania Twain covers.

It has been a year full of days, 365 of them to be exact, with a myriad of hours, 24 per day, filled to the brim with a precise amount of minutes, 60 to an hour, and it all meant each and every second, 60 to a minute, was another experience to grow and become better from.

I don’t have all the words, dictionaries do, to express my thoughts and feelings about 2011.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and since I’m shy of 300 words for the moment, I will share two pictures with you that could sum up 2011 for me…

The first…

This is myself and a friend last night or early this morning doing some very early 2012 celebrating.

I hope your New Years Eve celebration is at the very least as festive as it was in this very 7-11 at 1:30am in Spring Lake, NJ.

And…

To all that this website is beholden to…

Hey there 2011, who is metaphorically behind me at this moment and every moment from there on after…

Are you enjoying the view?

I want IT.

I love you all. I hope you have a wonderful end to 2011 and a beautiful start to 2012.

See you next year… unless Y2K12 gets us first!

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Happy Wednesday!

We’re only a scant couple or few or less than a handful of days away from the big bad apocalyptic year of 2012 and with that we’re only a week and a scant couple or few or less than a handful of days away from the horrible movies that this big bad apocalyptic year has in store for us. Honestly, there are some goodies to look forward to this year – The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, probably a few others – but before we can get to those movies we have to trudge through the CRAP that comes out at the beginning of each and every year.

January, oh January, how we loathe your movies. This upcoming January has little difference than previous years – mostly shit and a few promising ones. I guess that really could be said for all months.

There are a slew of movies coming out in January that were featured in the Tribeca film festival. I don’t think I’m previewing any of those, but they are coming out. Generally speaking, a quarter of the movies I’m even previewing right now will not be seen by you or even be in a theater near you to not be seen, as far as the Tribeca movies well they’ll definitely not be in a theater near  you and no one wants to see them anyway. I did look them up though to see if any of them on the off chance were interesting and they weren’t. Edward Burns who at one time was a prominent masturbatory fantasy for I would imagine thousands of women out there would now have to pay a woman to pleasure herself to the thought of him later when she has the time and he isn’t around. Not too many remember Ed’s white Irish ass and Brother’s McMullen nor should they. Well, Ed is up to his old tricks and making an indie relationship comedy/drama. Also, Vincent D’Onofrio made a horror movie about a band going into the woods to record an album and they make this emo kind of album while getting butchered by a masked killer who is probably played by Vincent called Don’t Go Into The Woods – I believe. Either way, they both look stupid, so why did I even bother mentioning them.

MOVIES!!!! PREVIEWS!!!! GO!!!!!!

BENEATH THE DARKNESS

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This movie looks like shit. Not the shit, just shit shit. Dennis Quaid and that chick from Friday Night Lights are in a shitty movie together with horror elements. Same I guess could be said of Legion, but who even bothers remembering that movie besides me? So, Dennis Quaid plays the town’s mortician because every town has a mortician and he’s supposedly a pillar of the community, which shows how shitty this shitty movie’s shitty fictional town is. Guess what? The mortician is actually some creep who plays with the dead bodies and these two youngsters on the poster with Dennis don’t call the local cops or nothing and instead try to stop Dennis all Scooby-Doo style. Sounds like shit, right? Guess what? It is and you’ll never see it.

NEXT!!!!

THE DEVIL INSIDE

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I’m not seeing this. I don’t even want to see a trailer of this. It’s a horror movie and it’s about exorcism and that’s all I need to know to never see a single second of this movie. First, I don’t want to see another exorcism movie for the rest of my life. I’ve seen too many as is. I saw The Exorcist which was honestly enough of an exorcism movie for 10 life times and I’ve seen a couple more. Horror movies suck way more often than not and if you would call The Exorcist a “good” movie then it is the only good movie about exorcisms… unless we’re counting Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II. I don’t care about you or the Devil in you, just stay on your lawn over there across the street and don’t key my car you weirdo.

NEXT!!!!

MISS BALA

This movie actually looks really good. It is a foreign film with the foreign language and the subtitles and such. The movie is about a beauty queen who ends up being a drug mule for these big time gangster drug dealers. I’m pretty sure it is based on a true story too or it isn’t and I made that up, but I’m sure even if I made that up that it isn’t too far from the truth. It does look good though. Take my word for it it looks good or watch that friendly little youtube trailer I embedded for you and find out for yourself how good it looks. It looks good. I want to see it. I want to see this pelicula, which is movie in Spanish. So there you go… first potentially good movie of 2012.

NEXT!!!!

CONTRABAND

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For some, this will be the first bad movie of 2012 they will see. This movie looks like shit. Mark Wahlberg is by-and-large a terrible actor who is in terrible movies. He is every once and a while in something good and he’s good in it like I Heart Huckabees and The Other Guys, but usually he is in shitty movies. This is one of them. It is your average paint by numbers half assed action, crime caper, thriller, shitty movie featuring a bunch of actors collecting pay checks like Giovanni Ribisi. Remember that guy? Honestly, I thought I was going to see that guy competing for Oscars after I saw Boiler Room. I thought that was going to be his launching off moment and instead it may have been the peak of his career. Go figure. As for Wahlberg, he can go fuck himself with a hockey stick because he made fun of Tom Cruise for doing his own stunts in Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol and that movie is better than 90% of the movies that Wahlberg has been in and that movie isn’t even in the top 15 movies Tom Cruise has been in. So suck a dick, Wahlberg. Also, Wahlberg was a producer on How To Make It In America, so I’ll say “Thank you for showing America Lake Bell’s boobs” and then I’ll say “That TV show is cancelled and it should be because it sucked and you suck and you should stick to making comedies where you’re the supporting actor and everyone else just tells you what to do.” Don’t see this movie.

NEXT!!!!

CORIOLANUS

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So, I’m betting this movie is bad. I have this feeling it will be bad. A hunch. Reason being? It is kind of a “movie math” reason. I heard about this movie AWHILE back and thought it was supposed to come out several times already, which is not a good sign. The movie is pretty well stocked with good or name recognizable actors and yet there are no previews or trailers for it anywhere. It is also Ralph Fiennes first time directing. It is also a modern telling of a Shakespearean play. It is coming out in January. If you add up all those things then you usually have the making for a disappointing product. That’s what I’m guessing will happen here. That’s my “hunch”. I could be wrong, but I could also be right, so if you want to gamble on this then you may want to wait for a DVD or OnDemand or never. Or you could tell a friend how good this movie is and they’ll maybe take their significant other on a date to see it and then they’ll have to sit through it and then they’ll report back to you and whether it is good or not you can be like “I can’t predict the future or anything. No one put a gun to your head to see this movie. Stop crying to me about it, cry baby.” Which you really shouldn’t say to your friend, but you’re drunk and it’s noon and you’re kind of going through your own problems and they shouldn’t have come at you so hot.

NEXT!!!!

UNDERWORLD AWAKENING

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Hey, did I hear you wanted to see another Underworld movie? Oh, I didn’t? Well, they made one anyway. The first Underworld was pretty good and the second one was exactly as pretty good and then the third one was a completely unwarranted prequel, which was vomit inducing bad. Now, here we are standing at the precipice and staring deep into this fourth Underworld movie that no one gives a fuck about. Even better, this sequel has little if anything to do with any of the previous three Underworld movies. Yes, there is Kate Beckinsale as vampire/Matrix chick, but that’s about it. I don’t think a single character from the previous movies is involved in this including and especially Scott Speedman. This movie is more or less them restarting the Underworld franchise because no one else cares enough to make a proper sequel for it. It also appears to be somewhat of the same movie as the others already. Kate’s character is on her own even though there are dozens of vampires and werewolves, but for some reason she cannot find shelter amongst either group. AND the key to the movie will be the hybrid werewolf/vampire that everyone is fighting for and searching for. In the first movie, that was Scott Speedman. In the second movie, that was Scott Speedman and Kate and Kate’s potential baby with Scott Speedman. The third was Michael Sheen’s potential baby with Rhona Mitra. Now, that hybrid is some little The Omen chick and seriously who cares? Not me. Did you see Resident Evil 3D? If your answer was “no” (oh God, I hope you said no) then don’t see this movie. If your answer was “yes” then your taste is completely questionable and this movie looks exactly like that movie, so go waste some more money on Underworld Awakening. … … …

I will give one amendment to all my above ranting –  Kate Beckinsale is HOT! Like fucking insane hot. The director and producer and such of most of these Underworld projects is Len Wiseman who is a thoroughly forgettable director who is also married to Kate Beckinsale. Len needs to hold on to that piece of ass with grip of Beowulf. So if making Underworld movies makes her happy and keeps her in your bed at night then I would be making 10 a year. Whatever it takes. The game is the game and all that.

NEXT!!!!!

RED TAILS

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No one asked for an Underworld 4th movie and no one asked for George Lucas to get back to directing movies sans light sabers. No one really asked George Lucas to get back to directing movies with light sabers considering how much he is fucking up his own franchise. Nevertheless, George Lucas is finally directing a movie that isn’t about Star Wars and in doing so he is directing what he has said has been a passion project of his for many years, so many years that I guess he hasn’t had his head above water to notice that this exact movie was made in 1995 and called The Tuskegee Airmen. Literally, these are the exact same movies except Red Tails looks worse and more racist. If you were ever watching The Tuskegee Airmen from HBO, which was a very well done movie that won many awards and you were like, “I wish this movie was worse and I also wish the black guys in this movie acted more like stereotypical black guys from 80’s and 90’s movies.” WELL!!!!! GUESS WHAT?!!!! George Lucas has answered your prayers. That’s what this movie is. I can’t imagine it is too too difficult to find yourself a copy of The Tuskegee Airmen HBO movie from 1995, so watch that if you are even getting a slight inkling to see this movie. George Lucas is an absolute idiot. This is his passion project? THIS?! I wish a wookiee would tear off his arms and beat him about the head with them.

NEXT!!!!!

HAYWIRE

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YES!

YES!

YES!

I am unquestionably way too excited for this movie to come out. I will be fighting with myself in my seat while watching this movie because I really don’t want storyline – I just want to see Gina Carano and I want to see Gina Carano beating people up. That’s it. The acting, storyline, dialogue… just edit that out if you need to. I am a big Gina Carano fan as a man with my attraction to women and as a human being who absolutely loves watching people fist fight in cages or a ring. Gina hasn’t fought in a bit, but for the bit that she was fighting she was one of the most entertaining fighters out there both men and women. She was also an accomplished kickboxer before that. I mean I didn’t solely watch every episode of the new American Gladiators because Gina Carano was one of the gladiators, but that didn’t hurt. I also just love American Gladiators. Do I need to talk about how great Gemini was at the joust? And speaking of the joust, Carano was undefeated in joust. Just saying. The movie itself is one of Steven Soderbergh’s pet projects like Bubble was and Girlfriend Experience was. I didn’t see Bubble. But I did see Girlfriend Experience and I liked that movie a lot. Sasha Grey who was previously known for being one of the filthier pornstars working currently played a prostitute who was paid for the “girlfriend experience” that she gave her clients of intimacy and so forth meanwhile she was the girlfriend to another guy and having troubles in that relationship. Anyway, I’m just saying I love Gina Carano with my heart and my body and my metaphorical heart and body that is a fan of Mixed Martial Arts. So… I’m seeing this damn movie! Plus, the movie itself looks reminiscent of 80’s action films, which I love as well.

And are you really pretending like I’m not going to be psyched for a movie that has this…

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Jesus… fucking… Christ.

That’s Gina in GQ. Anyway, the movie is filled with a lot of famous dude actors like Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Bill Paxton, Michael Douglass, Channing Tatum and they’re all going to get Gina’s foot to their face one way or another. I’m thoroughly excited for this movie. 2012!!!!

NEXT!!!

RAMPART

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Supposedly this is very good. It looks like Woody Harrelson as The Bad Lieutenant, which isn’t a bad thing if he pulls it off. Woody is playing the most corrupt cop in America and there are all these other people in it. The focus of the movie will be Woody and Woody being this drunk bad dude who beats people up and I guess is the anti-hero because he will stop some criminal in the end. That’s what happens in Bad Lieutenant at least. Could be good. I’ve read some very positive reviews for this. I also know that people can be wrong. I do like Mr. Harrelson, so I’m interested in seeing this. I will not be going to a movie theater to see it most likely. It is available OnDemand I believe and there is this thing called the internet that I may download it from because why the eff not? Who is going to stop me? Woody Harrelson?! Come and get me, Woody. Plus what does he care? Do you know how much money he made from Cheers? Like a forever amount of money. I am interested in this movie. Could be good; could be meh.

NEXT!!!!!

ONE FOR THE MONEY

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This looks terrible. This movie has all the trappings of a Jennifer Aniston movie, but they went a wee bit younger. I’m not sure if Katherine Heigl wanted her career to be the second half of Jenn’s career, but it is. Bad, paint by numbers movies that people do not care about or see and people kind of hate her just because she’s on People magazine too much. Did you know Gray’s Anatomy was still on the air? I can’t believe that show has been on this long. I don’t even know if Heigl is still on the show or not, but neither outcome would surprise me and doesn’t surprise as much as that shows continual existence. Anyway, this movie looks stupid. Don’t see it. I don’t think you will anyway… but don’t see it. You’ll hate yourself if you see it.

NEXT!!!!

MAN ON A LEDGE

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Hey, remember that movie Phone Booth? Were you ever like – “they should make another movie like Phone Booth“? Probably not because you’re not insane. No one wants to see another movie like Phone Booth and yet here we are with Man On A Ledge. If you even have the discipline to sit through the trailer then you are a one in a million type of person, so roughly 7,000 people sit through this trailer. After that, if you still want to see this movie and/or didn’t figure out the whole movie after those couple minutes then I don’t know why you are reading what I’m typing… you and I just don’t understand each other. This movie looks stupid. Sam Worthington must have a twin that we don’t know about yet who helps him be in so many movies at the same time and they’re almost always bad. I will give this movie credit for the title – Man On A Ledge. That’s what the movie is… a dude on a ledge. One for the Money? What the fuck is that about? Who knows? I hate stupid movie titles almost as much as I hate stupid movies. It’s a stupid movie, but the title is A-OK. One out of two ain’t bad unless you remember that 50% is an F, a bad F at that.

NEXT!!!!

THE GREY

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Have you ever wanted to watch Liam Neeson fight wolves? Seriously. That is the question you have to ask yourself if you are going to see this movie. Do I want to see Liam Neeson fight wolves? Fight wolves with what? His hands! Judging by the trailer the climax of this movie may or may not be Liam Neeson tying broken airplane bottles of booze to his fists and then rasslin’ wolves to the death. No joke, that’s what this movie is about. If you want to see Liam fight a wolf with his fists and the bottles and such to the death then you should see this movie. If you don’t then you shouldn’t see this movie. The filmmakers made this pretty clear cut, which was nice of them. They are going after an extremely niche group of movie watchers in the variety that would possibly enjoy watching Liam Neeson fight wolves with his hands to the death. If you are not one of those people then you really need to fuck off and not see this movie because there is absolutely nothing for you to see here. I don’t know why they called this movie The Grey when Lord knows everyone is simply referring to this movie as the one that Liam Neeson fights wolves in. I bet the director, the actors, the producers, the executives in the offices at whoever made this movie all called this movie that too. What movie are we editing today? The one with Liam Neeson fighting wolves. Yeah, that one.

See it. Don’t see it. It is your life… a life with or without Liam Neeson fighting wolves in it.

Thanks for reading.

I love you?

Happy Tuesday!

I hope you are all recovering nicely from whatever hangover the holidays have put you in. Whether it was an actual hangover because of all that booze you drank or an emotional hangover from seeing relatives for an unwanted extended period of time and maybe a combination of the two because the former was set off by the latter.

Either way, it is Tuesday and I have little to talk about.

I was planning on doing the previews for the January Movies, but that will be tomorrow’s post. I took too long drinking my coffee and eating this delicious freshly baked breakfast cinnamon cake and now it is past noon, so I’ll just write something ANYTHING.

The first thing that must go first…

LAST NIGHT, DREW BREES WAS MAGNIFICENT!!

Per usual…

Drew Brees broke the last of Dan Marino’s monumental records. Mr. “Thunder Dan” Marino does have a few more records, but his last most prestigious record was that of the single season passing yardage record. Marino in 1984, only his second season in the NFL, threw for 5,083 yards in 16 games. Last night, Drew Brees totaled up his season passing with 5,087 yards in 15 games. Brees has one more game to extend this record, which is simply an incredible feat.

There are two things I would like to mention about this record breaking moment…

1. Dan Marino was a quarterbacking God. When Dan Marino retired from the NFL, he held literally a “fucking retarded” amount of passing records. Marino was the numero uno guy in every stat he could possibly be at for his own personal performance. Many like to criticize and kick a man in their most sensitive of spots for the thrill of it because they led less than happy existences and those people like to bring up that Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl. As much as that would have rocked to have one a Super Bowl, Dan Marino did run the tables as the most dominant player of his position for well over a decade and that’s about all he could have been asked to do. If you’re a quarterback and you wanted to declare yourself one of the absolute greatest of all time then you had to go out there and beat one of Marino’s records. Superbowls are a team victory through and through and it is a type of victory that most who play the game will never experience. Whether they won a Super Bowl or didn’t, very few will ever play football as well as Dan Marino.

2. Drew Brees is one of the greatest quarterbacks to play the game of football and what he has accomplished in New Orleans is on the verge of sheer stupidity. Prior to Mr. Brees and their head coach Sean Payton, who sought out Brees, the NOLA Saints were an abysmal team that most years were downright unwatchable. Since these two joined the ranks of the black and brass they have been consistently one of the most prolific offenses in the history of football. It was no one else’s doing besides these two and that’s without any argument. Simply an incredible player with a perfect fit coach.

Oh yeah… I have a couple more things to say…

3. Drew Brees will be a politician one day. If you don’t think so then you’re wrong. I’m not sure if it will simply be in Louisiana or in Brees’ home-state of Texas, but MARK MY WORDS this guy will win a political office in one of those two states. It will be an easy victory as well… like the 62-7 route of the Colts earlier this year. Expect to see Brees up there with his alliterative wife and sons – Brittany, Baylen and Bowen. Sincerely, this guy will be in a suit and throwing footballs into the crowd and he will win some political position like Congressman or State Senator.

4, The thing on Drew Brees face – not talking about his perpetual sheen of excellence – is a birthmark. Get over it.

Friends and I were discussing Drew Brees’ amazingness and one friend, Dawgz, said thus…

1. Brees is in the mist of the best 5 year statistical run ever. He deserves the record.

First, Dawgz does number all of his talking points in his emails.

Second, the phrase is not “in the mist”. It is “amidst”. One is not in a metaphorical cloud of static wetness, which can be substituted for whatever said person or thing is currently involved in. Although, I understand such metaphor – it’s just incorrect. So, take that and have fun with it on your future SAT essays. Amidst.

Lastly, to the few and the not-so proud Netflix users still out there…

SAXONDALE!

I just saw this on Netflix the other day and watched two episodes of this comedic television show last night and loved them.

It features Steve Coogan as a washed-up roadie living a modest suburban life with his second wife and paying the bills as a pest controller. The show is very dry and funny. If you love Steve Coogan then we could possibly be good friends and you most certainly love this show.

It’s a typical British show in that there’s I think only 12 episodes or so of it. Those Brits. Cheeky monkeys and all.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.

 

Whaddup, y’all!

I got so many fucking presents I can barely see straight, y’all.

I’m spending 2012 wrapped in furs and diamonds and gold and Lexus’ and drinking Dom Perignon like its Diet Coke, y’all.

Whaddup, NOW!

I’m actually wearing the same sweatshirt I usually wear with the same sweatpants I usually wear and drinking the same coffee I usually drink and my left eye is twitching the same overused eye muscles it usually twitches, y’all?

I hope you had a…

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

I hope you had a…

HAPPY 6TH NIGHT OF HANUKKAH!!!!!!

and I hope you are currently having a…

JOYOUS BOXING DAY!!!!!!!

I was planning on MS-Painting a picture of Kristen Stewart into the Christmas spirit like I did last year and possibly the year before, but I forgot while watching basketball all yesterday. So I’m dreadfully sorry about that. I will lash myself with whatever it is people lash themselves with 100 times for this penance.

What did I get for Christmas?

Mostly clothes. I received several plaid/flannel button-ups. I also was awarded a track jacket adorned with Steelers regalia, which will be added to my regular choice of outdoor public ware. I did get a pair of Batman cuff-links because I’m kind of Batman in my own way, but I’m just waiting until I’m in my dirty thirties to start the vigilante crime fighting aspect.

Last, but not least… I received BOOZE!!!!

One… a bottle of Tito’s Handmade Vodka because I’m a drunk.

Two… a membership to a Whiskey of the Month club because I’m a drunk who is on the lookout for new things to drink.

What did y’all get?

I did mention in my last post that I was going to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and I DID!

Both were quite enjoyable in wildly different ways…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – One of the best action/thrill ride movies of the year. The first three MI movies have been very different from each other because they are different directors and different producers. In this fourth installment, it is the same production crew of J.J. Abrams who directed the 3rd movie, but this time with first time human director Brad Bird who previously directed animated movies like The Incredibles. The movie is a roller coaster of fun. There are some very inventive action scenes, a few great chase scenes and all around slick action through and through. I would still say that the third MI is the best and the second MI is the worst, but between the first and fourth it is a toss-up. I’ve grown to really like the first one as this off-beat mystery that does feel like a movie based off a television show (which it is), but this fourth one is more like an upbeat James Bond film.

I think what I really liked the most about this one and the last one is the insanely no nonsense attitude of Tom Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt has. He doesn’t make a big show about what he is asked to do. He is put in a bad situation where the only way out is risking his life with little chance of survival and each and every time he does so with little back talk because that’s what he has to do and if he doesn’t do it right this moment then he’ll never have another moment to do it. Abrams’ style of not over dramatizing the situation with his directing and instead allowing the ridiculousness of the situation dramatize itself is refreshing and something I enjoy. Abrams and Bird made two clean action films and I highly suggest both of them. The main thing that separates the third from the fourth is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the villain. PSH is an excellent bad guy in MI3 and to me is about as close to what I want from a Penguin style villain – rich guy, committing white collar crimes, not afraid to kill people and get his hands dirty. Ghost Protocol’s villain isn’t memorable, but there are a lot of wild set pieces that certainly are. Fun movie through and through…

Plus there is a chick fight… I wish the chick fight went on a little bit longer. The match-up is between the equally flawless…

Paula Patton (on the left) and Lea Seydoux (on the right)…

As for the rest of the cast… Simon Pegg is funny, Jeremy Renner doesn’t do anything more than Jonathan Rhys Meyers did in the third and Tom Cruise is the fucking man.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – my first criticism is that her dragon tattoo was wildly forgettable. I did not read the book(s), but I did see the original TGWTDT with Noomi and her dragon tattoo was almost a secondary character it was so big. As far as the movies themselves… they’re pretty identical in most regards. There is a plenty of murder and rape and more murder rape to go around and neither film sugar coats it. The rape scenes are by and large pretty identical to each other. I thought Noomi did a great great job as Lisbeth and I think Rooney did as well. I’m not sure of size and weight and so forth, but Noomi does appear slightly bigger than Rooney did, which made Noomi’s Lisbeth seem a little older and a little stronger/aggressive. I think Rooney did appear younger, but became more aggressive and stronger as the movie went on, but always young. Both are great though.

As far as Mr. Craig, going into the film everyone was saying he gave a “wooden” performance and was the shortcomings of the movie. Two things – 1. Mr. Craig is kind of a “wooden” actor to begin with and 2. he isn’t bad in the movie at all. I’m not sure what they want out of Daniel in this movie, but “wooden” isn’t that bad considering he’s supposed to be an investigator trying to solve murder rapes. I don’t think you want Hugh Jackman running around grunting and doing jumping toe taps in that sort of movie. The only thing I didn’t like about Craig is that he is just generally too attractive for the role. It is a no brainer that these chicks can’t keep their pants on around him. Now, that works in some ways, but doesn’t work in other. I have a hard time believing a man who is usually knee deep in poon is also spending his waking hours investigating murder rapes. Meanwhile, in the original, the guy looked more like an journalist, but less like a guy Noomi would want to get her rocks off with although in the original they did try to pass it off more that Noomi was kind of sleeping with the dude because she is a sexual creature who sleep with whoever she feels like sleeping with at any given moment. Rooney more or less falls in love with Daniel Craig and I can see that happening as Craig is James Bond and for the most part still has the James Bond build in this movie.

The two movies are different in how they end. David Fincher’s version of the movie delves more into the book or at least later into the book. The original kind of ends when they murder rapes end. Either way, they’re both generally about the same thing and handled fairly similarly. I don’t know which I like better, but I think the differences in the movie experience are fairly negligible.

Well… there is one thing that is sooooo much better in the Fincher version and that is the opening credits. The fucking opening credits are amazing and easily worth the price of admission. It is a James Bond meets Nine Inch Nails music video intro that is excellent.

I also finally watched I Saw the Devil, which is a South Korean murder/thriller from earlier this year. It’s a good movie and an interesting one as a serial killer who killed a cop’s wife becomes hunted and toyed with by the cop as if he was a serial killer himself. It was a good movie filled with a lot of stereotypical Korean style – symphony music, dismemberment – and good performances. I was surprised that it wasn’t as scary or disturbing as I was expecting it to be, which made me hesitate in watching it. This lead to an almost disappointed feeling that I wasn’t as scared or disturbed, which was scary and disturbing. Either way, I saw it and it is pretty good.

My total is now 62 movies for 2011.

How was your holiday weekend?

I’m going through all the movies I have seen in 2011 and giving them one sentence reviews.

And here we go…

The Dilemma sucked

The Green Hornet was meh at points and overall pretty stupid.

Cedar Rapids was amazing and easily one of the funniest movies this year.

I Am Number Four was hysterically terrible and a perfect movie to openly talk/criticize during.

Drive Angry 3D was actually pretty good, except it does start to unravel near the end.

The Adjustment Bureau was, also, hysterically terrible and a perfect movie to openly talk/criticize during.

Rango is up there with best animation ever, but the storyline doesn’t make any sense (not meaning the animals talking bit).

Take Me Home Tonight was watchable and made me laugh a couple times, but should have just stayed on the shelf where it had been collecting dust for 5 years.

Win Win was a solidly good movie, but not nearly as good as the director’s first two efforts The Visitor and The Station Agent.

Sucker Punch was great and I loved it and I know I’m on the minority opinion of that, but at one time the minority opinion was that slavery was bad and now look where that opinion is, so at some point people will realize that this movie is crazy fun with hot chicks dressed as school girls and ninja killing robot samurais with a pretty dark dream plot attached.

Rubber was decent and at times pretty fun for an absurdist independent film, but it was pretty slow and seemed to be fairly pointless.

Source Code was wildly underrated and forgotten, which is too bad because it was easily one of the more enjoyable and entertaining films this year.

Super was really great and was everything I could have asked for from a low budget Kick Ass and should have been put out in theaters because it would have done pretty well.

Hanna had some good action, but was crazy inconsistent and overall was pretty forgettable unless you intend on writing a Saoirse Ronan biography in 20 years entitled “Meryl Streep who?”

Meek’s Cutoff was too indy for its own good that they didn’t have enough money to purchase any character development or climax or a second act or a third act, but it was pretty.

Your Highness was pretty forgettable even though it was pretty funny at times, but what started out as a joke between Danny McBride and David Gordon Green from their college days never got too far past that, but I will give them all the thanks in the world for that Natalie Portman in a thong scene.

13 Assassins was one of the best films this year and in large part you can skip the entire first hour if you want to because the second hour’s prolonged action scene is so well done that it will be very well remembered in film history.

Fast Five was undeniably entertaining from beginning to end with well directed action scenes and spending only moments on storyline plus The Rock.

The Robber was a good and interesting flick and even more so it was one of the only German films I have ever seen that was not in some way about World War II, which made it even more enjoyable.

Hobo with a Shotgun was easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched, not joking, and felt insulted throughout most of it that people would even venture to think I might like it.

Thor was easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched, not joking, and felt insulted throughout most of it that people would even venture to think I might like it.

Bridesmaids was easily one of the funniest movies this year and showed that all of the women involved in the movie could very well front their own comedies and my only real problem with the movie is that in the second half it does stray from what the movie was billed as a chick The Hangover.

Everything Must Go was a drama and I was not expecting that from the cheery trailers and posters, but it was good and at other times it was bad because it was pretty damn depressing.

Hesher was a good movie through and through, but it didn’t live up to its indy hype, but it’s definitely a must see if you’re Jospeh Gordon Levitt fan.

Midnight in Paris was surprisingly funny because Woody Allen hasn’t made a good movie in YEARS, but this movie felt like a lot of Allen’s early work where it is offbeat, pretty much just an Allen daydream and in the end the solution is banging a hot and younger woman than you currently have.

I’m going to lunch, so I’ll be back with the other half of this list later today.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

AND I’M BACK!!!!

The Hangover Part II was funny, but not as funny as the original in large part that it was too much like the original, but in all honesty what in the hell was it going to be like if it wasn’t like the original, so it’s OK.

Submarine was cute especially if you think that prep school British boys who think they’re Max Fischer from Rushmore, but aren’t are cute, but really it was just a simple rom com and passable for good.

X-Men: First Class was good and bad just like the other X-Men movies and would’ve been better if they solely focused on the two characters they actually put time into (Professor X and Magneto and I guess in a smaller part Sebastian Shaw), but Jennifer Lawrence is beautiful and it was pretty entertaining.

Super 8 is really overrated because I see people talking about this being one of the best of the year, but it was really just an odd mash-up of Cloverfield and E.T. and that’s that, so it was fine and well made, but forgettable in the long run.

The Trip is probably the best movie I’ve seen this year through and through with hilarity, innovation, and at the same time it didn’t try to be more than it was, which was an intimate comedy between two excellent comedic actors who work perfectly together (Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon).

Green Lantern, honestly, I didn’t watch this whole movie, but I saw most of it and it sucked, but I wanted to be completely transparent here and say I did miss  the beginning of the movie, which doesn’t matter because this movie was garbage.

Bad Teacher had one funny scene where Justin Timberlake dry humps Cameron Diaz until he cums in his jeans, which was unexpected and really the only part of the movie that was even remotely not boring.

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop was good and I don’t want to make it sound like it wasn’t very good and a fun watch, but this documentary is for people who watch Conan O’Brien regularly, but if you do watch Conan O’Brien regularly they you already know all of this and what Conan does regularly is funnier than what is in this movie, so it’s a double edged sword in that sense.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon was similarly terrible and stupidly fun as the others, but I will say this is the worst of those three movies and not like I’m dying to see Michael Bay make Voltron a live-action movie, but Michael Bay really should have made Voltron instead of Transformers because Voltron is about the people who pilot the robots and that’s what Michael Bay would rather focus on and did in Transformers, which is a big problem because people don’t pilot robots in Transformers and the focus of Transformers is the robots and not the people – food for thought.

Terri was funny at times and thoughtful at other times and short and without a conclusion and featured an awkward sex scene, so it was exactly what an independent comedy is about, so if you like those then see this.

Horrible Bosses was funnier than I expected from this Hollywood style comedy, but with that it is pretty paint-by-numbers and could have been better, but would be a solid rental.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 was better than Part 1, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how glad I am that I never have to see these movies ever again and how they are little more than kids movies for kids to see and as such they’re just not that good.

Captain America: First Avenger was so much better than I expected and all its goodness was its own and the bad parts of the movie were the parts that tried to tie this movie to the retched movies like Thor, so I liked this a bunch and it’s another great job by Chris Evans and Hugo Weaving.

Attack the Block was also so much better than I expected as a sci-fi action comedy and it is short, so if you are interested in watching some of London’s chavs fight werewolf style aliens then this is the best you’re going to get.

Cowboys & Aliens was a waste of my time and anyone else’s who saw it or spent time on it.

The Future was good if you like Miranda July, but if you don’t then don’t see it, but if you do then do see it because it’s pretty good.

The Guard was about what I was expecting and is a solid B to B+ movie that follows Brendan Gleeson around like a puppy, but it’s a pretty small scoped movie, so don’t expect the world, but it’s good.

Point Blank is a very well done action/thriller with some really great set pieces and I highly recommend it if you like movies with subtitles or if you speak French.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was WAAAAYYYY better than I expected and by that I mean it was a B to B+ movie and I expected a D or an F, but it is a pretty solid story that has enjoyable action and the monkey interaction scenes are reminiscent of movies like Quest for Fire and other kind of experimental sci-fi.

30 Minutes or Less is funny and really funny if you like the people in it, but it’s as fulfilling as the fast food delivery pizza as is referenced in the title.

Senna is an excellent documentary about a Brazilian Formula 1 driver and is crazy good even if you know nothing about race car driving, but it is sad as most documentaries are, so remember that and its all subtitles unless you speak Portuguese.

Fright Night was exactly what the reviews said – funny, a few scares, and pretty good action, but terrible CGI – it is a good rental if you like horror comedies.

Our Idiot Brother was definitely funny especially if you like some stoner humor and was a better movie than the reviews gave it credit for and I was pleasantly surprised by everything and everyone involved.

The Debt is OK, but it is really a half-assed Munich and the only real redeeming quality to the film is how pretty Jessica Chastain is and sure Sam Worthington is pretty with short hair too.

Warrior was nothing special and is enjoyable for people who don’t actually watch cagefighting and people who want to see Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton be cry babies.

Drive was one of the best films of this year and a very well done throwback to 70’s style mob/revenge movies and the key to the movie is if you think it’s cool then you’ll love it, but if you don’t then you’ll hate it and there’s little in the middle.

Pearl Jam Twenty is a must see if you like Pearl Jam and one of the better band documentaries I’ve ever seen and it got pretty dusty for me when they talked about Kurt Cobain and really does a good job showing how great Pearl Jam is without seeming preachy at all, which is very difficult to do.

Red State sucked and a waste of everyone’s time involved in making it and watching it and reviewing it.

50/50 was one of the best movies of the year and more people should see it and it is sad and you’ll cry some to a lot and that’s that.

Martha Marcy May Marlene was also one of the best movies of this year and a captivating performance by Elizabeth Olsen and John Hawkes, but the movie is subtle and quietly terrifying and creepy, so you should probably see it (plus Elizabeth Olsen naked, yes).

Immortals was 300 meets the Harry Hamlin Clash of the Titans told by a sadist foreign weirdo, which meant it was beautiful to watch, terribly acted and some bloody action scenes, but I found as a whole entertaining and stupid.

Melancholia sucked and was boring.

Young Adult was very good, very strongly acted, and was really just another great effort by Jason Reitman and if you like his previous movies then you will like this and if you like Juno, but want an older vibe then Diablo Cody wrote this as well and it is similarly good, but darker.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows was OK, but too much like the first and too much talking actually and too many ands because the storyline is completely unpredictable because there is no line of logic to follow and it just keeps going and going and going and really anything can happen in each, but the action is well directed by Guy Ritchie and they really need better writers for these movies and less “witty” dialogue… also stop dick teasing that Rachel McAdams does anything in these movies.

That was my 2011 thus far with a little over a week left.

That’s 59 movies and I’ll end up seeing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Girl with a Dragon Tattoo before year’s end.

A lot of bad, some good, and even more passable to kill an hour or two.

I hope you are having a Happy Wednesday and/or First Full Day of Hanukkah and, eventually, Second Night of Hanukkah.

It has been gravely difficult to lift my spirits since reading yesterday’s news that HBO in its infinite wisdom decided to cancel three television shows… Hung, How To Make It In America and – as you could guess from this post’s title – Bored to Death.

If you have read this blog before – firstly let me say ‘thank you’ for returning and secondly you probably know that I thought Hung was a horrible television show. Seriously, where are the guy friends? The guy was a famous athlete in Detroit and is a current basketball coach and he has a dearth of guy friends? I just mention to dudes that I freelance write for the UFC and they start buying me drinks like I’m Tits McGee. Plus, are there even that many white people living in Detroit? Good God! It was worse than He’s Just Not That Into You. That movie takes place in Baltimore and is about 40 white people and not one of them has a single interaction with a black person. Have you seen The Wire?! There’s at least 2 black people in every room of every building or house in Baltimore. And unless I missed a plot point where they explained that Thomas Jane’s two kids on the show were adopted or switched at birth or ate his two original kids then that made less sense than the Transformers trilogy.

As for How To Make It In America, there hasn’t been a single sentence written on this website suggesting that I would enjoy watching a knockoff of Entourage about making jeans. Oddly enough, I did watch more of HTMIIA (is that right?) this season than any other because actress Lake Bell started getting nude on the show. Trust me – go find that material online somewhere because it is worth it. You know how there are people who look good with their clothes on and when they take them off you’re like, “maybe you should have kept them on or some of them.” And then there are people who look good with clothes on and then when they take their clothes off you’re like, “you should burn all your clothes and actually I think you might be allergic to clothes, so never put any clothes on again.” I found out in 2011 that Lake Bell is scenario dos and I really hope she ends up on another HBO or Showtime or Starz or Playboy channel show because she needs to stay naked. She is a pretty good comedic actress (not on that particular show per say I mean there wasn’t much to work with … the show was about jeans), so maybe she can start an all naked comedy improve group. Anyway, I’m not that sad to this show go away in the grand scheme of things.

Last, but not least, obviously considering this is the post’s subject matter, Bored to Death

I loved this show.

I truly did.

There were three seasons of this television show and they are worth the watch, so I will not seek to ruin any particular storylines or such from this delightful half hour comedy… but I would like to remember the cast and the characters…

Jason Schwartzman as Jonathan Aimes.

A complicated soul trying to find his place as a writer as well as live out real life adventures as a private detective. In many ways I think Schwartzman is a comedic Al Pacino. They are of a smaller stature and where as that is never a focal point for Pacino, it is always a constant topic with Schwartzman. Jason is a great comedic actor who usually plays highly emotional characters who appear to be very fragile and are quite aggressive. They are the man with the plan and usually that plan is ill-conceived. He is also a guy who is willing to be dangerous and I guess that’s why he usually gets the ladies in all his movies. Same can be said for Pacino. And neither is surprising to me.

I have said this before that I think Jason Schwartzman is pretty high up there on the list of men that almost all women would have sex with. In some part, I feel like Jason’s ability to play with his ethnicity is part of that. I mean he is Italian or Jewish or Russian or Middle Eastern. He appeals to a lot of ethnic fetishes. Also, I think his smaller stature is a boon. I hear that women like tall men and I’m not saying they don’t, but I also think girls completely underplay their attraction level for a guy at their own height. Unless you’re 5’2″ and he’s 5’2″, but if you’re 5’2″ and he’s 6’2″ it’s a struggle with a foot of space between you two. If you’re 5’2″ and he’s 5’6″… although he is short in comparison to others – he is taller than you and you two can have your own world together. Or if you’re 5’5″ and he’s 5’6″ or if you’re 5’8″ and he’s around that. Anyway… I’m getting off track here. Schwartzman is right in your sight line and he’s in yours and he’s got his neck cologne wafting right in your nose and his nose breathing all of your scent in … I mean I think it makes sense.

And so did the creators of Bored to Death because Jason Schwartzman slept with a lot of beautiful women on the show…

Olivia Thirlby…

Trieste Kelly Dunn…

Parker Posey…

Isla Fisher… just to name a few.

Zach Galifianakis as Ray Hueston.

Yes.

There is Zach as Ray as Ray’s comicbook alternate identity “Super Ray” who has numerous super powers and all of them are derived from his massive penis. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m going to miss seeing Zach on my television dearly.

Zach is one of the best comedians living today, period. Recently, people have been seeing that with his roles in The Hangover and Due Date and I guess in that superhero guinea pig movie he voiced or something. Either way, many people had loved Zach as a stand-up comic and over the past few years we’ve gotten to love Zach as an actor. No better role has Zach played than that of Ray Hueston on Bored to Death. All three main characters on this show are basically fragile, but aggressive and creative people and all are in love with weed, liquor and adventure. These are all great elements to have in a show or a character and Zach’s character Ray may have been epicenter of the show even if Jason’s character was the protagonist.

With each season, we got to learn more about Ray and follow him around in his own obscene set of life decisions. In this past season, I really thought Zach was coming into his own by leading several episodes and even more so showing off a lot of subtle physical comedy. As edgy and new as Zach is, there is a lot of classic TV comedy in how he acts like he’s a bearded and semi-deplorable Jack Lemmon.

Hopefully, he’ll end up in something where he can stretch his legs again comedically like he did in this show and keep his beard and have ridiculous sexual escapades – Zach had a lot of sex on this show as well and almost all were with very attractive women as well, but each of his sex scenes were generally for absurdity – like he did with these women…

Heather Burns.

Kristen Wiig.

Kate Micucci.

And… for a certain few of you…

Yep… that’s Olympia Dukakis. Well done, Bored to Death… well done.

Ted Danson as George Christopher.

Ted Danson has been acting longer than I’ve been alive and even more so Ted Danson has been a famous TV actor longer than I’ve been alive – Cheers started in 1982. One would think he would stop producing high quality entertainment or stop trying so hard, but he’s actually done the opposite. In the 2000’s, the man hit his stride on TV again with several TV shows all involving his shocking white hair, which is just as amazing if not more so than the great oak finish he used to have as Sam Malone on Cheers. But of these new characters from his guest spots on Curb Your Enthusiasm to his villainous role on Damages… George Christopher was the best.

It was a great role where Danson played both compatriot and mentor to Zach and Jason throughout the show and in some ways I feel like in the making of the show too. He’s the veteran actor amongst them obviously and at the same time he’s really living his character as much as they are too. Christopher was fun always barging into the lives of Ray and Jonathan early on in the show and as the episodes went on he became their backing and they needed him as apart of their group.

Also, Christopher was a quote machine in the series. Danson got to land some of the most memorable lines about love, life, and usually weed.

And… of course… Danson had several beautiful women that he bedded on the show…

Laila Robins…

Jessica Hecht…

And even his own wife in real life…

Mary Steenburgen.

I guess what I’m realizing now is that I really enjoyed watching Jason, Zach and Ted have sex with a lot of women because apparently they did on this show.

Also, there were a lot of great guest appearances from Oliver Platt, John Hodgman and many others.

So yeah… I’m sad to see it go.

Fuck you, HBO.

Unfortunate rhyme.

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