This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #BOOBS

December 2, 2011

Specifically, Jessica Simpson’s enormous pregnant breastesses.


I’m glad you are here.

What are we doing here?

We are here to discuss the huge milk filled jugs of the one and only Jessica Simpson.

Let’s get another look…

Holy Mother of gigantic boobs, Jessica Simpson’s are about to explode!

It’s like Simpson is smuggling Christina Hendricks under her dress.

Those things are absolutely phenomenal … for two reasons:

1. They do sustain life and are a product of giving life. Seriously, the milk filled boobs are a product of Simpson’s own pregnancy and not just fashion statement. I mean I’m not making that up. In some way, just looking at those supple mammaries reminds of the miracle of life that is going on in her distended belly.

2. They also remind us of the miracle of life because for fuck’s sake EVERYONE LOVES BIG BOOBIES! Come on! Seriously, folks. Those things were already stupidly big before she let her man ejaculate semen inside of her and now they are fucking HUGE. They have their own gravitational force!

Which they truly do because of these two sub sets…

a. All mass has a certain amount of gravitational force because of the rotation of the planet no matter how insignificant and her boobs certainly have a great deal of mass, so they have a drawing force because of their larger size.

b. YOU WANT TO MOTORBOAT THE HELL OUT OF THEM! Come on! Yeah, she’s pregnant and, yeah, it’s not mine (although, that would be a dream come true minus Joe Simpson being my father-in-law), but those are some ripe for motorboating tittays and you would have to be lying, and a bad one at that, if you said you don’t feel compelled to just put your face into them like they were the highest thread count silk 98.6 degree warmed pillows.

In the second picture, you can really see the mother of the child that Jessica and her boobs are toting around…

Ashlee Simpson who looks like she is having zero fun in life being a deflated and much more angular version of her BUBBLY and looking CRAZY HAPPY, JUGGY older sister Jessica. Look how much fun in life Jessica is having. Look at how happy her boobs look. Look how unhappy the pixie hair cut, buttoned up, hipster, prude Ashlee is having. Look at your sister’s boobs again. Now look at your face. Notice anything?! Basically, you need to unbutton all those buttons and let your boobs out.

People say that pregnant women have a glow about them and if that’s true then the glow is radiating from their big fun bags because there is already a glow coming from your boobs, so bigger boobs equals a bigger glow. That’s just science.

So these pictures were released yesterday, but there were pictures of Jessica from earlier in the week, which I actually love even more. Maybe because there isn’t the pointy Ashlee and her spawn in the picture…

I fucking love these pictures!

It’s really a mix of everything. From Jessica’s full long blonde hair, her fucking huge boobs, her whiteness, this collared almost animalistic looking and handmade looking sweater dress vest and then the one piece sweater dress underneath…

She looks like a viking.

I mean a romanticized Hollywood one.

In real life they were dirty uneducated barbarians who lived in mud, but in movies they are big beautiful Nordic creatures who possess sheer amounts of unbridled over indulged human features like huge muscles, huge hair, huge boobs, and so forth. If we didn’t castrate people for wearing real fur… imagine Jessica was wearing like a bear fur sweater vest coat. She’s got these huge northern European milk maid viking woman juggs and then she’s got all this blonde hair and this huge engorged stomach filled with viking seed as she is just strutting around showing it off under her bear coat.

I don’t know or care if you’re getting the same imagery in my head, but I love it.

The only real problem is she’s like 5’2″, but if they can make Tom Cruise look like he’s not 5’2″ on screen then they can make Jessica look like a 6’2″ viking queen and give her an axe and a leather belt with a big knife on it.


Those boobs are national treasures. Like Nic Cage should be hunting for them… to then motorboat them for the good of humanity.

Or they’re like the prize at the middle of a great labyrinth and Joe Simpson plays the creepy and annoying minotaur protecting them.

Anyway… God bless that NFLer I had never heard of who has impregnated Jessica Simpson. Good luck to him.


Happy Friday.

Have a great weekend.


5 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #BOOBS”

  1. Kimberlesk said

    OK, srsly, I just spewed soda all over my monitor @ work while reading this post!! *high fives

    And I’m a girl. But you’re right THOSE THINGS ARE HUGE!!!

    Love your blog!

  2. Nix said

    Funnily enough Jordan, I hafta say I have no urge to motorboat Jessica Simpson’s National Treasures. Not that there is no scenario in which I could see myself momentarily batting for the other team. This could happen. But I am afraid motorboating Jessica Simpson’s mammory colossi could kick in the claustrophobia which I don’t suffer from. Yet.

    So, no. I have no urge to motorboat those viking behemoths. Would pay to see you doing it though…

  3. PWG said

    That baby will never run out of milk. Ever. You think those things are humongous now? Wait until after she HAS the baby and the milk factory actually turns on. We’ll have two new planets to replace Pluto. Simpson won’t see her shoes again for two years.

  4. Seriously- if those things are that huge now (and she maintains her current rate of hiking them up), they are going to eclipse her face after the kid is born.

    And is anyone else getting an uncomfortable Anna Nicole Smith vibe from these pics?

    • KStewBoy said

      Yes. Jessica is def. giving off an Anna vibe… minus the 90 year-old millionaire.

      Ashley shouldn’t be in pics with her BIG sister. She really does suffer from the comparison.

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