CREAMSICLES, WHISTLING, and KRISTEN STEWART NAKED

December 6, 2011

Guten Tag!

Happy Tuesday!

Before, I get to the two topics at hand… I wanted to mention another topic.

That’s fucking right. This is my blog and I do whatever the fuck I want on this. Cunt. BOOM! Like that! I just wrote Cunt for no apparent reason. I did it again in my explanation of the first time I did it! WHAT WHAT?! IT IS ANARCHY OVER HERE!

Anyway… I’m going to tell you a quick little story and then I’ll get into the two topics.

On Sunday, in football, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers wore these jerseys…

Ahhhhh… the “creamsicle” jerseys.

NFL teams throughout the year will wear old jerseys. The reason being is to remind you the viewer that you can purchase these old jerseys. There is a percentage of what you are watching in the NFL is a fashion show. Every person on each sideline is wearing something you can buy from the NFL. All coaches, assistant coaches, assistant’s assistant coaches and so on are all wearing long sleeve t-shirts or polos or sweatshirts or mock turtlenecks or vest or fleece and so on and so on that are all purchasable through the NFL. So… sure the NFL teams like to switch it up and wear all jerseys, but really it is just so you can be like “those jerseys are cool, I would buy one of those”.

But the big problem for some teams and in particular the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and their creamsicle jerseys…

THEY ARE CURSED!!!!!!!!!!!

For fuck’s sake stop wearing them!!!!!!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were consistently the worst team in football during the era of those jerseys. Their team symbol wasn’t that red pirate flag you see in the background. It was this…

Just so you know, this is not from a Scarlet Pimpernel themed gay orgy porn… although it should be.

Inherently, the word “Buccaneer” sounds pretty gay at least nowadays. “Hey there, Buccaneer.” Say that out loud and try not to sound like you are talking through a bathroom stall door at a highway rest stop gloryhole. I’m just saying it sounds gay. That’s fine and all, but probably not the sentiment you want when you’re about to play 4 hours of football on a Sunday afternoon for 17 weeks.

Anyway, those jerseys are cursed. They’re not cursed for being gay, they’re just cursed in general. Every year, the Tampa Bay Bucs remind themselves of that for nooooooooo reason at all and wear those jerseys and get crushed by their opponents like they did on Sunday against the Carolina Panters. Two reasons why that happened… 1. Cam “The Prophecy” Newton and 2. THOSE JERSEYS ARE CURSED AND YOU CANNOT WIN IN THEM EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If the United States military wore those jerseys when they stormed the beaches at Normandy on D-Day then we would all be speaking German this very moment. Kristen Stewart will ES. See no one “will ES”‘s that.

Meanwhile, the Bucs did change their uniforms and have been a productive team ever since including winning a Super Bowl less than ten years ago. So… if you want to wear those dumb ass jerseys – PRE-SEASON! Wear those jerseys in every preseason game. All 4 of them. But never EVER wear them during a game that matters because THEY ARE CURSED!!!!

Now, that that is out of the way… let’s get on to the two topics I was prepared to share with you.

The first…

I hope you have access to video and audio for this.

I also hope you are sitting down. There is a chance if you are not sitting down then something bad could happen to you and this website does not have insurance.

Prepare yourself…

Your life will never be the same…

Are you ready?

This will be the greatest two and a half minutes of your life…

I hope you are ready.

Your perspective on reality itself will change from this moment on as soon as you press play.

Here we go…

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was the greatest video I have ever seen in my life.

So great, I had to draw a Yes right triangle because of it.

Perfect 90 degress.

Whew…

Still one more thing to talk about…

KRISTEN STEWART NAKED!

The Want is getting naked? So good.

This picture is like if the chick from The Ring crawled out of a TV set and then sexed you to death. Or I guess, The Ring as a porn. I like it. I would rather watch that than The Ring again. Talk about the dumbest ending ever. Copying the videotape? I hate movies sometimes.

Apparently, Kristen Stewart goes topless in On the Road.

I mean it does make sense because there is a good deal of sex in the book. I love that book. Not because of the sex. The sex really isn’t all that sexy, but it’s a great book. I won’t lie… I’m not really looking forward to this movie as much as other people because I think they’re going to cut out a ton of it. I mean there is a section of the book where Jack Kerouac is living as field hand with a Mexican chick and they pick cotton during the day and sleep in a tent with her kid in it at night and there is of course a scene where the Jack and the Mexican chick have sex and the kid is like an inch or two away from them in the tent. A lot of people think the book is just about San Francisco, but it really isn’t. The majority of the book doesn’t take place in San Francisco. I guess you could say a large part of the book is about going to San Francisco, but they don’t spend a whole hell of a lot of time there. They spend a good deal of time in New York, Denver, New Orleans, and Mexico.

I think I’ve said this before, but the book doesn’t really translate well into a movie in my opinion, but it would make an excellent TV show. I think the book spans over 3 or 4 years, so a movie spanning over that same length of time seems kind of ridiculous. Anyway… what’s with all the negative Nancy stuff…

We’re going to see Kristen Stewart topless!

Yeeeeeep… strip.

Supposedly, the topless bit will be during a three way sex scene. A devil’s threesome actually.

So to see Kristen Stewart’s boobs, I have to watch two dudes fake banging her?

That is a trade I’m willing to make.

I mean I’ve written about threesomes involving Kristen Stewart, Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner probably a hundred times on this site. I also wrote about her having a threesome with some random dudes who were in a picture that she was in for a magazine. Basically, I think Kristen Stewart’s WANT is enough for two dongs at once. So… let’s make this happen!

Happy Tuesday.

What else should I talk about?!

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4 Responses to “CREAMSICLES, WHISTLING, and KRISTEN STEWART NAKED”

  1. We were definitely just treated to a montage of the Whistling Mullet’s O-faces. Also very nice of him to wear his best Detroit sweatshirt for the occasion.

    There goes the balls again!

  2. tiffanized said

    Why does Florida get three NFL teams? I get that they have a milder climate for the football season, but three seems excessive to states like mine that don’t even have one. Maybe I’d like football more if I had a dog in the fight. Then again I probably wouldn’t, my time being consumed as it is by sex, cupcakes and beer.

    Haven’t we already seen The Wantress’ nipple? In Breaking Dawn? And by we, I mean people who saw the movie but not me because I haven’t seen it? I guess it’s more exciting to know that you get to see the entire rack. I hope it lives up to expectations.

  3. MyRobbie said

    That was crazy. The mullet o-faces, I mean. But the thing that killed me, really, was the insanity of the hairdos in the audience. Particularly the women. We were all so collectively insane that the big poofy, permed ball of bangs on the head was truly thought attractive? I know it was popular.

    Oh and I saw a clip, or a gif, somewhere of the topless Wantress – topless in the backseat of a car- and all I could think about was how much I really liked Brokeback Mountain and that, even when I told my husband about Anne Hathaway’s naked bewbs, in the backseat of a car, it *still* wasn’t enough to get him to sit through that movie. So…a topless Wantress just led me down that thought path and not a “Wow, she’s hot” thought path. But that’s just me. Also, the clip of her in the devil’s three-way I found oogie, but also, maybe just me!

    Still, Jordan, pretending the NFL doesn’t exist. Again – no offense.

  4. KStewBoy said

    I saw no Wantness nipple in Breaking Dawn. Now I want my money back!

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