IT’S OFFICIAL! – Kristen Stewart Is The Most BANG For Your Buck!

December 7, 2011

WE DID IT!!!!!

That’s right!


did it!

Forbes Magazine, for no apparent reason AT ALL, decided to find out which Hollywood actors and actresses make the most amount of movie making dollars from US the adoring fans for the money that they are paid to live in trailers and occasional say this like “Dad, I don’t want you to freak out, but, I’m going to a medical center in Switzerland.”

Guess who was number 1?!

You guessed right! It is Cher… errr… I mean Kristen Stewart!


We’re in the money! We’re in the money! We’re in the money! All night looooooonngggg!

That’s right! Raise the roof, girl!

Apparently, for every $1 (U.S. currency) that Kristen “The Wantess” Stewart gets paid her films earn an average $55.83 back!

Which means one thing and one thing only…

Kristen Stewart has tons of fa…

It means Kristen Stewart makes less money than those nitwit Brits in Harry Potter.

Seriously! Who is Kristen Stewart’s agent? Kristen is like the McDonald’s of acting apparently or maybe Pizza Hut with their new bento box of two pizzas, breadsticks and wings for less than $20.

This is really depressing considering Kristen is in a whole bunch of movies that made very little money. It’s not like all her movies are these big blockbusters. The Want has the Twilight films, which are obviously the big thrust of this, but she’s been The Runaways, Welcome to the Rileys, Adventureland et cetera. It’s not like The Cake Eaters set any box office records and unless she made that movie for free then that should cut into her average quite a bit. Is she making scale on Twilight? I mean her role is for the most part looking like she wants IT, which is always and then she also looks worried, scared, depressed, and helpless through the rest of it. Maybe they’re paying her by line because she barely speaks in the ones I’ve seen.

Ok, so the list I think is only for this year, so Cake Eaters and Adventureland don’t count, but the other two might. It’s just surprising how little she’s getting paid. Someone needs to talk to her agent and say something like, “I know Kristen Stewart looks like she doesn’t eat and keeps her sustenance levels up by feeding off a sunshine and occasional cool breeze, but SHE NEEDS FOOD! AND FOOD COSTS MONEY!” Maybe that is why Kristen is going to end up in that shitty shitty Akira remake because SHE NEEDS MONEY. Also, she’s whipping her tittays out for On The Road? There’s no money in a Walter Salles movie. At least whip the girls out for some money…

Like Anne Hathaway.

Number 2 on this list is Anne and her boobs who make $45.67 back for $1 she’s paid.

It’s still means Anne isn’t making a whole helluvalot either, but it is more than Kristen.

Alice in Wonderland was a big success last year, but Anne also appeared in Bride Wars and Love and Other Drugs. The latter two did not make much money. I didn’t see Bride Wars, but I did see the 6 minutes of Anne’s boobs in Love and Other Drugs and it was wonderful and not at all the first time I’ve seen them.

I remember when I saw Havoc and sat through it because Anne Hathaway was getting naked in it. I thought this would be something special. It was because naked boobs are always special – it’s like a holiday in the middle of the day every time you see them – but Anne has gone on and starred her boobs in just about every other movie she has made. If the movie is at all “adult” themed like she’s not in a remake of an old TV show or in an actual kids movie or voicing a kids movie then you will see Anne Hathaway’s boobs in the movie the rest of her is in. They’re always out there. It’s like they are allergic to clothing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to rap this up, but it made me think of a David Schwimmer…

The cast of the TV show Friends were lucky to have David Schwimmer to re-negotiate their contracts for them (probably an agent of his did it, but I picture Schwim hunched over a calculator with that roll of paper and a visor on crunching numbers in a room filled with cigarette smoke) when Friends went off the deep end into popularity. The Twilight kids have no Schwimmer. Seriously, who would it be? If I told you David Schwimmer was a math genius or had a law degree or is a CPA or something, you would probably believe me. But if I told you that anyone appearing regularly in the Twilight films had an IQ above 87… you would look at me with great suspicion.

Who is going to renegotiate their contracts? Kellan Lutz’s pecks? That’s not happening. What about Nikki Reed and her… well… the fame that she had when she wrote Thirteen? What about Rob Pattinson and… who am I kidding? Rob thinks he’s getting paid in “pounds” and is making twice that in US dollars. Plus what are Rob’s expenses? I bet he hasn’t spent a nickel of his money. He looks like he would be plenty satisfied with a coupon to the Salvation Army and the craft services table and, of course, weed. I bet some people would say Peter Faccinelli, but those people forget that he is a robot that Jennie Garth controls with her iPhone.

So there’s that…

Kristen Stewart needs a new agent.

She needs a new one to get her better paid… but she also needs a new one because she is in stinky movies. Movies that stink and are cheap.

What does Kristen Stewart want? More money.


10 Responses to “IT’S OFFICIAL! – Kristen Stewart Is The Most BANG For Your Buck!”

  1. Ridley said

    You are hilarious. It does appear that this should be renamed the top list of Actors who works for cheap.

  2. HOW DARE YOU! They’re not doing this for money! They do it for the love of the craft! They don’t measure wealth in dollars, but in the number of screams, tears and wet panties lining up to stalk them every day! Plus, they’ve met the soul mate loves of their lives while on this journey! Emotionally and spiritually, there is no one richer!!!!!

    Or, they’re totally fine with making juuuust enough money to live like really comfortable hobo alcoholic stoners. More power to them.

  3. tiffanized said

    I’ve never seen Anne Hathaway’s boobs. In fact, what I just saw in your picture was more than I’ve ever seen of them.

    I just calculated my income as related to the amount of money my company makes and I’m doing way worse than Kristen Stewart. And I rarely stammer awkwardly at work. But I’m not embarrassed to be there every day, nor is my performance being recorded for people to make fun of later, so it’s probably a wash in the end.

  4. KStewBoy said

    Jordan saw Breaking Dawn… Jordan saw Breaking Dawn….

    Sorry that and – Kristen should not get paid in dollars, but rather in man-love from her fans.

  5. PWG said

    Is there a second left in any day where that woman is not photographed?

    • cledbo said

      If there is, someone should fill that second, STAT. More images of the Want = more weapons for our eventual war against invading aliens which are immune to all ballistic, nuclear, chemical and biological warfare.

  6. cledbo said

    You’re made of win, I just want that out there.
    I have nothing I can add to make this better, except you’re right that the Stew probably deserves more money – she could spend some of it on speech therapy for her tics.
    Then maybe go get a university degree, and she might come close to walking in Emma Watson’s glorious, multi-million dollar highly educated and attractive shadow.

    • cledbo said

      That came out like I had an extra serve of bitch for breakfast, sorry about that. I love the Want just like everyone, because she’s a natural law, but E-Wat is more talented and she looks super hot now her hair’s grown back a bit.

      • KStewBoy said

        Has it? That’s good to hear. There’s nothing worse that the ‘hot actress cuts her hair to be taken seriously’ disease. We need to find a cure.

  7. PCNW said

    It’s not that Anne Hathaway has prettiest breasts than the way she promotes them!

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