This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #BOOBS part deux

December 9, 2011

Happy Friday!

You survived!

You survived another stretch of days that were arranged in the same order as last week’s days and you did your best to get through them and here you are in this time as opposed to last time and you’re reading this and you’re happy about that journey and now we’re going to be happy together by talking about BOOBS.


Holy BOOBS of Troy! This is some cleavage to fight an Asia Minor war over, am I right?!

I mean it could just be the angle. It could be just that this picture was taken in the right light. As if God opened one eye of pure perfection to gaze down upon us mortals and for the instance what was caught in that glance became the envy of all humanity and in that moment God gave us a pair of billowy breasts. Is that the case? Is this the one and only picture of… NOOOPE! I got loads more…

BAM! and BAM! … so BAM BAM!

It’s like these breasts are trying to escape from the chains that bind them. These breasts are the well toned bodies of our African American slaves of the 1800’s and this red dress are the cotton growing plantation owners and if God would let me my hands and fingers could be Harriet Tubman and the underground railroad and releasing these breasts from their captors, from their bondage and letting live free in a world that will exalt them and one day make their progeny millionaires and even President. YES! HELP ME REALIZE THIS DREAM!!!!!

The more I look at these pictures… and I cannot stop myself… I actually understand vampirism or that is what I’m calling the act of being a vampire. I mean seriously, aren’t you like dying to just bite that soft white flesh? It doesn’t hurt that this is from a vampire movie, but if this bitch doesn’t get bit then she is the biggest tooth tease ever. I mean she’s just begging for it. Her neck, boobs, clavicle area and even her arms want IT almost as much as Kristen Stewart does at any given moment of any given day. If a vampire attacked her, I wouldn’t blame them for any wrong doing. I wouldn’t even blame a non-vampire for attempting to feed on this particular lass who appears to be having quite an emotional wind swept day to herself by the docks. She might as well slather herself honey and crawl around a bear pit. I would watch that as well…

Anyway… who are these breasts?

They’re English. They’re 25 years old. And they spend an inordinate amount of time with Gemma Arterton.

Yes, that is Gemma from Quantum of Solace, which was not a good movie. And she was in Prince of Persia, which was an even worse movie.

Either way, these boobs appear to be the stars of Gemma’s movie Byzantium, which also features Sam Riley and Saoirse Ronan. The movie is directed by Neil Jordan, so it will be very dramatic and Irish and gay like theater gay. Regardless, this man is selling me on this movie with Gemma’s boobs… and… her thighs… because this also happened…

Oh. My. Lord.

What is happening here, now?

I don’t know if this is in the movie or this is something that happens in between scenes, but this SHOULD BE THE MOVIE. Holy shit, look at the legs on this thoroughbred. Why do they look so amazing? These pictures should not be as obscenely captivating as they are to me, right? I mean I’m supposed to be desensitized at some point to women. All there is on the internet is naked ladies every where and if you see enough you’re supposed to lose that luster of seeing them again, right? Isn’t that what is happening with me playing violent video games? I’ve killed so many pixelated people at some point I stop caring and then I start not caring if I kill human people, isn’t that what I’ve been told for years? So… I’ve seen like a billion naked chicks on the internet and this Gemma and gams and her juggs are literally so damn enticing that I feel like a dirty old pervert and I’m only 3 years older than this girl. Like I feel actually lurid looking at these pictures. Like I’m the reason for “luridness”. You know?

Have you ever seen Barbarian Invasions? Excellent movie. Excellent French-Canadian movie. Anyway… in the movie Remy goes on about the most prominent wet dream fantasies he had in life. The women that he masturbated to throughout his life. Oh by the way he is a dirty old pervert who is also a college professor who is dying of cancer. Back to what I was saying… this guy is really just getting into what women and particular what images of them made him cum buckets over the years and beat that French Canadian meat of his over and over and over again and defined his transition into manhood, which more or less is that you can now jerk off. Anyway, it is a wondrous scene and he starts it all off with this image of I believe a German woman or something from a black and white film where she is in the water’s edge in some old floppy puritan dress and as she goes into the water she has to lift up her dress and you see her thighs and for Remy seeing this way back in the 1700’s in some class in school seeing that image made him realize he wanted to sex her and then everyone woman there after. And right now while looking at these pictures I understand Remy and it is somewhat creeping me out.

I’m a dirty old pervert at 28 and fawning over the milky thighs of a 25 year old Brit from a movie that I will no doubt skip even if it ends up on Netflix.


I’ve got no words for how delightfully pornographic these pictures are to me.

Is it the dress? I get that she’s hot. I get that. Is it the romanticism that she’s falling out of this dress in particular? Like we’re going to have sex and she’s going to get pregnant and have to deliver the baby in some candle lit room with a faint smell of hay and horseshit in there and there are going to be so many midwives there and then afterward we’re going to have to worry about the kid catching the pox or the plague and same with us and we’ll drink heavy wines and see comedy plays and wear suits and top hats and walk around streets covered in filth, but for some reason at this moment she looks particularly clean because she got her one weekly shower in and the dress hasn’t been exposed to the rats of the streets yet, so is that it?

Either way, I love these picture.

Thank you to the pervert hiding in the bushes who snuck onto this set to take these pictures.

Last week it was pregnant Jessica Simpson’s boobs and now it is Gemma’s thighs. What’s next? A pictorial dedicated to Charlize Theron’s feet? Damn you, women! Damn you and your bodies.

I don’t know, but I need a cold shower.

Have a great weekend.


4 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #BOOBS part deux”

  1. PWG said

    It’s not your fault, some humans just do 2D better than others. I’m not discounting the costume, those do make a difference. There’s a reason strippers dress up as particular things, after all.

    I’ve spent actual measurable amounts of time wondering why Viggo Mortensen, who looks spectacular in movies where he’s actually moving around, mostly photographs badly. Whereas Daniel Craig, who . . . okay, wait a minute, he also looks pretty good moving around . . . but almost all of his photographs make him look like a sexy lion or something. Viggo is not materially worse looking than Daniel on a day to day basis, unless you’re judging solely by the photographic records.

    We’re not counting black and white photographs, everyone looks good in black and white. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason why this is true, some angle of cheekbone or width of cleavage or something that translates into better than average photogenic qualities. I’m going to go Google image search pictures of hot men and see if I can figure it out.

  2. MyRobbie said

    That Barbarian movie sounds good. And, added bonus, my husband will probably sit through it.

    Speaking of him…and her (up above)…I have a theory. My husband is always always hassling me when I see a really skinny, no-hipped actress or model with a huge rack and I say that that her boobs are fake. I don’t care one way or another, that’s just one way I can tell. Emma, up above, looks like she has real boobs – because of those fantastic thighs. She’s effin fleshy (while skinny still to normal people) and that’s incredibly attractive, I agree. I think it’s cause she’s not photoshopped and doesn’t look hungry.

    I’ve seen that kind of a dress for movies of that time period and have a hard time believing women wore things that revealing, though. Well, English women, in any case. Oh #boobs.

  3. MyRobbie said

    Holy shizz, Gemma. Derr. Her boobs are messin with ma brain.

  4. Cledbo said

    Boobs are pretty awesome, except when running or lying on your stomach for long periods of time. Gemma’s boobs are definitely awesome, but so are her calf muscles. It looks like if she wasn’t wearing the vaguely silly dress she could make a good go of running away from the vampire trying to bite her sweater puppies.

    What is this movie? I’m intrigued. And yes, Gems hasn’t made a good movie since St Trinian’s. Good being a relative term, of course.

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