It Is Monday And I Post On Mondays So Here’s A Fucking Post

December 19, 2011

Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!

This is ME!!!!

I survived this and the rest of weekend too!

Congratulations for your and my continual existence!

We had some unfortunate losers in that game this past week like renowned atheist author Christopher Hitchens and renowned military jumpsuit wearing and big sunglasses loving dictator Kim Jong-Il. They will not be joining us for the rest of eternity. In all honesty, I wasn’t particular partial to either of these men. I never read a full Hitchens book and I’m not a proponent of isolationism and/or totalitarianism. Hitchens did seem to be the better guy of the two. I mean I’ve read some snippets of Hitchens’ work and I’ve seen him interviewed a hundred times, so I knew he was quite quick with his wit and generally very bright. At the same time, Hitchens did not inspire Team America: World Police or force people to put on flashy dance numbers with numerous costume changes just for his own amusement.

I’m not really sold on, which one I would have rather known more. It’s always the idea that you have to “break bread” with someone to get to know them.

If I could have eaten dinner with one of them, which one would I have chosen? That is legitimately a difficult question.

HITCHENS – I imagine it would be a nice meal filled with red wine or whiskey and cigarette smoke. We would talk of the ills of religion and shit talk on its hypocrisy and all that good stuff. He would lecture me about things that I didn’t even know about because this guy has spent his whole life reading about this stuff meanwhile 6 months out of the year I’m hopelessly addicted to the NFL and the entire year I’m watching men fight each other in cages and every once and a while a chick fight or two. Anyway, I would learn some things and I would’ve walked away with lung cancer from second hand smoke and be drunk.

JONG-IL – I would probably fear for my life at all points during the meeting. At any moment, I could be taken prisoner just like Lisa Ling’s sister and then Al Gore would have to get his fat ass off the couch and save me. I don’t know how much or how little Jong-Il spoke of the English language, but I speak zero Korean, so having to speak through translators would be annoying. Regardless, the meal would be absolutely ridiculous. I would imagine we would be dining on some lavish meats and probably a few illegal ones. Also, we would have incredible dining entertainment. Also also, Jong-Il used to order porn and Hennessy by the case from the US of A and that is the makings of a very memorable evening. I doubt Jong-Il and I would talk much about politics or really anything, but our evening together would be filled with wild laughter, international crimes and probably prostitutes, which is way more than I can say about the history lesson or religion 101 class I would get from Hitchens.

Dinner Dinner Chicken Winner = KIM JONG-IL!!!!!

What else is going on?

Well, last night I slept in my own bed for the first time in 4 nights, which means I’m picking up some Holiday money with my booty. Yes, I am a “man of the night”. Actually, a “man of the night” sounds a lot like how one would describe Batman. If you say a “woman of the night” you immediately think “whore” and not “Catwoman”. So if a man is out at night consistently then he is obviously solving crimes and defeating hooligans. If a woman is out after the Sun goes down then she’s probably selling her lady part holes for temporal pleasure.

I’m just saying… let’s combine the two.

What if Thomas Jane on Hung is still just forking over his big vanilla gorilla dong to whatever classy modern woman has the money to pay to play with it and in between appointments when he is letting his testicles recover he also is trying to clean up the streets of Detroit by beating up a few armed robbers?

I think I would watch that. Plus Thomas Jane did play The Punisher in the shitty movie The Punisher, so it’s not like watching the dude fight crime is all that foreign and after three seasons of Hung you should be ready for some good television for once.

Meanwhile, remember that short lived show I think it was on Showtime about a woman who was a prostitute?

Secret Diary of a Call Girl was a TV show that no one watched on Showtime for a bit. One half of the show was her having sex with men and the other half of the show was her pretending she was SJP or Dougie Howser M.D. and was getting all touchy feely with her inner monologue diary. How about she just has sex with dudes for one half of the show and then beats up other or even the same dudes for the other half of the show?

Billie Piper?! That’s her name…

She may need to use a gun, like a HUGE gun. I don’t think she could over power anyone.

Or we could write into the plot that her saliva and/or vagina saliva has a neurotoxin in it that starts to take control after she has sex with one of these dudes. They become completely comatose and cannot fight back. This also leads to her having a hard time having a normal relationship because she is afraid sleeping with a guy she likes will lead to her killing him, which isn’t as much of a worry when she’s sleeping with some mob boss she wants dead.

Whatever.

It beats the Hell out of Terra Nova.

If you’re like – what about Thomas Jane? I don’t know. Maybe his jizz is like an actual net that he can shoot out of his dangle and he can catch the criminals in that. Seems possible. Whatever. Have fun with it.

Either way, prostitutes that fight crime and/or crime fighters who hook sounds like good family entertainment to me.

Anyway…

I saw Young Adult.

Charlize Theron is as pretty as the Gods in Immortals on any given day of her life. She is also a great actress and I would be surprised if she isn’t nominated for I believe the third time for an Oscar for this. Funny movie. I liked it a lot. Patton Oswalt also gives a good performance, so now that guy has two movies where he “acts” in them – Big Fan and this. I put “acts” in quotes because when we say “act” we mean dramatic acting as if Patton walks around being a huge dick at ping pong tournaments like in Balls of Fury. He’s also great in his reoccurring role on Bored to Death. Patrick Wilson and Elisabeth Reaser do good as well.

Charlize oh Charlize. So pretty. She really only went there in the shitty Aeon Flux, but any shitty action movie Angelina Jolie makes I think Charlize could do as well. That’s not really a compliment about acting as it is that those two women have a certain beauty that may or may not have been created on a distant planet and is the key to the destruction or the salvation of the universe like the power ring in Green Lantern. I don’t know. I’m just saying it seems that way to me.

What else?

Cris “Cyborg” Santos is still the scariest chick to walk this damn planet. If it was 400 AD or something, Cris “Cyborg” would rule South America like a female Genghis Khan.

I’m just saying women should pay a stipend to her because she is the strongest of you.

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3 Responses to “It Is Monday And I Post On Mondays So Here’s A Fucking Post”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan – thanks for the review of Young Adult. I thought this movie was supposed to be a romp, but I guess not? And thanks for reminding me of Billie Piper, I’d forgotten about her – and that’s a shame. So many beautiful women, so little room in my brain.

  2. Based on your picture up there, “man of the night” is a little more delivering presents and a little less crime fighting and whoring around. But still a whole lot of drunk.

    I would choose dinner with Kim Jong-Il, too. I feel like I can hold my own with crazy better than I can with intelligent discourse.

  3. tiffanized said

    As soon as my kids figured out the “Santa Secret” we started leaving out tequila and fudge on Christmas Eve. Whole new element.

    I don’t watch TV at all anymore, or at least not relevant TV. Also I don’t go to the movies because I can’t stand to waste good beer money like that when it’ll be on Netflix in a year. So I have no idea what’s going on in 5/8 of your posts anymore. I do know about Kim Jong Il, whose death hopefully means more freedom and comfort for the people of North Korea but unfortunately less mind-boggling fashion choices. It’s just too much to lose Kim Jong Il and Muammar Gaddhafi in the same year. What dictator’s sartorial choices will we mock in 2012? I can only hope that Kim Jong Un will favor fascinators and bustles, or that if Rick Perry gets elected he will keep wearing discarded wardrobe from “Brokeback Mountain”. Who am I kidding? If Rick Perry gets elected I’m going to start shooting heroin.

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