The Kardashians’ Christmas Card OR David Lynch’s Wet Dream

December 20, 2011

Happy Tuesday!

As well as, Happy Hanukkah!

Today/night is the first day/night of Hanukkah. What this means is us Jews will all be huddled around a couple non-scented candles, say a couple prayers, wear the smallest and thinnest hats you have ever seen, and, most likely, exchange with each other the FILTHIEST RICH PRESENTS!!!! BECAUSE WE’RE JEWSSSSSSZZZZZZZZ!!!! AND JEWSZZZZ HAVE ALL THE MONEY!!!! ALL THE MONEY, MO-NAY, MONET!!!!! Just lots of money. And we parade around our Jew homes dripping in diamonds, furs, and gold just for the Hell of it because we don’t believe in Hell! If there was a Hell, it would be life without all this motherfucking money in our wallets, bank accounts, and invested in the STOCK MARKET!!! JEWZ!!

And with all this Jew talk and with the birth of Jesus Christ, the second to last great Jew because the last great Jew was Sandy Koufax, around the corner… I thought why not talk about the mesmerizing Christmas Card done by a family most assume are Jewish…

The KARDASHIANS!!!!

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AND… it’s in 3D!!!!!!!

Yep.

That right there is the family Christmas Card for the Kardashians or I should say for the TV cast of Keeping Up with the Kardashians because there are more people in this family than shown, for instance the incomparable Brody Jenner who you may remember from such classic still life installations as The Hills and all those other shows that were also wildly staged and slow as molasses. Someone should make a “Slow Ass Molasses” because it is extra thick, but at the same time I do see a problem in calling something “Ass Molasses” because that is more of a medical condition and/or the result of eating too much Slow Ass Molasses… your tummy is upset in that joke. Moving on!

I’ve talked about the Kardashians before on this website several times maybe even dozens of times… I have zero problems with the Kardashians. I don’t understand why people have a chip on their shoulder about them in the least bit. Their TV show isn’t any more or less offensive than any of the other “reality” shows about famous people including the primary mover: The Osbournes. I mean that show was about two bratty kids, a screaming cursing mother, and an old fool stumbling around his mansion seemingly on the verge of Ronald Reagan dementia. But I guess people think it was OK in hindsight because that old man sang “Crazy Train” and “War Pigs” and “Iron Man” even though none of that was being sung on the show or songs like that were being written… we were just watching the shell of a man shuffle around in track pants and picking up dog poop. Meanwhile, the Kardashians at the very least gave us the “Princess of Persia” Kim Kardashian and she gave us easily the best celebrity sex tape. Basically what I’m saying is, I never jerked off to “Paranoid”, but it’s like a once a month standing engagement between me, “myself”, tissues and Kim. So weigh the scales on that. Good music? Good spank material? It’s kind of even.

EITHER WAY!!!!!

Let’s get back to the Kardashians… I’ve actually never watched the Kardashian show or follow Kim or any of them on twitter or any of that. From what I can tell, they are a fairly harmless bunch. People are getting pissed about Kim and Kris Humphries’ marriage being a sham… so you were that committed to that marriage? Seriously, who the fuck cares if she gets married every month? I mean she’s at the very least doing it as a straight woman. Anyway… I’m really getting off topic.

THE FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARD!!!!!! IT’S IN 3D!!!!

I’m going to zoom in on each Kardash-cluster of people, but first let’s look at the whole picture itself. It looks more like one of those cast stills from a failed murder mystery pilot set to air on ABC in the Spring. … or any particular day on a soap opera. People on soap operas are dressed up always. Dudes are always wearing shirts and ties even if they’re unemployed and lounging about the house. Women are drinking at a coffee shop, but could easily go to a Great Gatsby ball at any moment.

Welcome to the Kardashians’ idea of Christmas…

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Unreal.

I think Kim Kardashian is a beautiful woman and/or the colloquial hot piece of ass. But this outfit is doing her zero favors. The first two thoughts I get when looking at her in this is:

1. Someone was re-watching a Liza Minnelli concert recently

2. Where are Kim’s boobs and butt? We want to see them! By “WE”, I mean America and the greater America meaning the rest of the planet Earth.

I get that the theme of this macabre picture is a black tie affair and they absolutely love bowties and I guess gender reversal roles. I also get that this is a family photo and having Kim parade around with her double D’s hanging out might not be the classiest thing for a Christmas card, but it is what you’re hoping for. On Christmas we give presents and those presents could have been Kim’s glorious ASS-ets and BOOBS-ets.

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The Matriarch of this empire Kris. The first thing that came to mind when see Kris was that’s where they get those asses. Seriously, everyone is always talking about the Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney’s butts, but look at the woman who birthed ’em and her buh-dunk-a-donk (sp?). I know she’s had plastic surgery, but it is really the photoshopping probably, but she looks less real than most videogame characters. Her face is absolutely as smooth as porcelain and has arguably less wrinkles than any of her daughters who are a solid 20 years younger than her.

Next to Kris, the 1976 Montreal gold medal winning Decathlete – BRUCE JENNER!!!!!

I never would have said that Bruce Jenner could be James Bond, but after seeing this … Bruce Jenner could be a pretty lame James Bond. Think about it though. Bruce Jenner is or at least was an INCREDIBLE athlete. Some easily could argue that a decathlete is the best athlete because they are great at all the track and field events and can do multiples of them in one day. A decathlon is 100 meters, discus, pole vault, javelin and 400 meters on Day 1. On Day 2 it is 100 meter hurdles, long jump, shot put, high jump, 1500 meters. Basically, Bruce had all the physical tools to be Bond if being Bond meant running fast, jumping over things and throwing random objects for distance… instead of shooting guns and stopping international terrorist plots. Either way, Bruce does know one thing about bedding the ladies because he has his plastic surgeried paws all over Kris Kardashian’s Kardass-ian. You get that?

And both of these people have great genes by the way. I know they have gone under the knife to make themselves look better, but all their children are some good looking kids. Robert Kardashian was not a particularly attractive creature and I imagine his crotch hair was a tropical rain forest of pubes, but all his kids are excellent looking and I bet Kris is the reason. As for Bruce’s kids before Kris, they’re great looking too. And then the combined kids (the two jailbait girls you will see later) they had are also great looking.

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Yes!

YES!

YES!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this photo in the slightest! It all fucking works. The creepy kid, the comic book proportions of Kourtney and, last but not least, American Psycho himself Scott Disick. I fucking love this threesome here. SO FUCKING GOOD! Bravo to everyone involved. I mention David Lynch in the title of this post and there is so much Twin Peaks going on in this whole photo and in this picture. Mr. Lynch loves using dwarves, midgets, little people or whatever… do you know people who are short like really short, but they’re fully grown? Those people. That’s what Mr. Lynch loves throwing in there. I know that that is a child, but he isn’t dressed or standing or acting like a child. If anything they’ve probably stapled his hands and feet in that position to make him stay like that. Actually, what the hell am I saying? Look at the kid’s parents?! He learned that emotionless statue pose from them!

I don’t even know how Kourtney Kardashian exists. Look at that body! Harry Crumb couldn’t have drawn a more absurd ass-waist-boobs ratio and she’s tiny. Look at that ass. I don’t know how you can’t! And it’s only bigger than that. She has that ass bound in black leather, so when it is out and about and free – oh my Lord! I can’t imagine what this photo is like in 3D other than once you put the glasses on, Kourtney’s ass literally jumps out of the picture and slaps you in the face – MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH! Two cheeks, two holidays. I love it. Also, if you are looking at this picture and you don’t want to grab Kourtney’s butt with all the strength in your forearm, fingers and hand muscles then you might be dead or at the very least as emotionally devoid as her husband apparently is.

SCOTT DISICK LOOKS CRAZY!!!!! Do you know that scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale is peeling off a facial mask and he is talking about the masks he wears out in public to pretend he isn’t thirsting for blood? That’s just Scott Disick on a fucking Tuesday. This is a Christmas Card! Look at the man’s face! And if you think this is just for this picture… that Scott Disick looked like that just for that moment in time and same goes for his also vacant staring wife…

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BOOM!!!!

Motherfucking boom! You would be dead wrong! This is how they always are together. Actually Scott looks even scarier in this picture. There are hundreds of pictures of Scott Disick online looking this much like a serial killer. He may be Kristen Stewart’s natural enemy. I thought that Megan Fox was the anti-thesis to Kristen Stewart because she made you want it, but that’s just the reverse. Scott Disick exists in a world without want. Do you see what Scott Disick’s face looks like? That’s what all of our faces would look like if Kristen Stewart did not exist. That’s what I’m fucking telling all of you! There is an idea of Hell that Hell is just a place that is devoid of God’s presence – not fire and torture. Simply, a vacuum of hope and goodness. That is Scott Disick’s face. That is life without the Wantess.

Beautiful… just beautiful.

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I fucking love these two. LAMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love sports. I love basketball. I love the NBA. As a NBA watcher, Lamar Odom has been an interesting character for many years. He’s 7 feet tall, athletic, good offense player and has obviously a big enough body to cause defensive problems. The issue with Lamar was that he didn’t try. He was always under achieving. People tried to figure out what it was about him. He’s just not motivated to really be all that he can be. Some people even pointed to his addiction to eating candy. That he would have sugar crashes during games. Either way, Lamar has won some championships with the LA Lakers and plenty of money, but Lamar isn’t a “Hall of Fame” type of player. He never was a standout like that in his career … until… he married… a KARDASHIAN!

Seriously, if you knew who Lamar Odom was 5 years ago it was because you loved the NBA. No one else knew who he was. He also as mentioned had somewhat of a negative connotation surrounding him because of his lack of will. But the dude goes out and marries Khloe and he’s got his own TV show, national fame and people love this tall goofy dude. I just love that he is in this picture. It is so fucking random. More or less a modern day esoteric NBA reference just standing there in this picture dressed in a tux and looking slightly worried about whatever it is off camera… maybe Scott Disick.

As for Khloe, I love that she married Lamar because of all of the above. People point to Kim and say they don’t know what she does… I know what she does. She’s on the cover of dozens of magazines, she’s got her own fashion lines, she’s tweeting, doing interviews and all sorts of stuff. I don’t know what Khloe does besides being married to Lamar and being the younger sister of Kim, but who cares. I also like Khloe because she is different as far as looks wise. She’s got a butt and boobs on her too, but she’s the first of these girls to be tall. As Kris started pumping out kids… the first couple were short, but the rest are getting pretty leggy and Khloe was the first of that generation of tall Kardashians. It’s the little things in life I love obviously…

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Errrr… what to say about two girls who are basically illegal for me to even talk about?

The one showing off her one leg is Kendall who recently turned 16 I believe or is turning 16 or something because I have seen advertisements about her Super Sweet Sixteen TV show/episode or something. Seriously, I kind of tune out when the TV goes to commercials. Anyway, I know that she was only legal in Mississippi until recently. Kendall looks tall. I don’t know if she’s stopped growing, but the way she looks it looks like she could eventually eclipse Lamar Odom with her height. She’s a runway and fashion model to no one’s surprise nowadays. Also, I literally just read this on twitter because someone retweeted it, but she failed her driver’s test I think and was crying about it. I love driving, but if I was stupid rich I would employ a chauffeur because that would mean I could be drunk always. She is 16, so maybe that’s not a good idea. Anyway…

The even younger Jenner/Kardashian hybrid is in the fitted mariachi suit – Kylie. In this picture, it looks like I could literally wrapped my hands around each one of their waists and touch my middle finger to my thumb like I can do with my wrists. Of course, I wouldn’t do that because I like not being in jail. Is no one feeding these girls? Anyway… Kylie’s not a model… yet. She’ll probably be modeling by the end of next year with the way this stuff works because she is only 14 right now in this picture.

As far as these two and their Twin Peaks vibe… Kendall is totally Lara Flynn Boyle and Kylie is totally Sherilyn Fenn.

And that’s enough of me talking about underage girls for one day…

So I think we’re done… wait… wait just a minute!!!!

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BAM!!!

Didn’t see Rob Kardashian there did you? Yep, me neither. For whatever reason the Kardashian I know the absolute least about was cut off in Celebuzz’s original full photo of the Christmas Card. I didn’t even know there was a Rob Kardashian until 6 weeks through Dancing with the Stars. I don’t watch that show, but someone at Yahoo certainly does because they post updates on that show adnauseum. So I know he was on that show and I know that he lives and breaths, but that’s about it. I kind of was cool just knowing there was Kris and Bruce and then these 5 chicks of varying ages running around. The boy Kardashian doesn’t do much for me.

He kind of looks Hispanic.

That’s all I got.

Anyway…

MERRY CHRISTMAS in a few days…

and…

HAPPY HANUKKAH … TONIGHT!!!!

One Response to “The Kardashians’ Christmas Card OR David Lynch’s Wet Dream”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Great post, Jordan. Very funny stuff indeed. Happy Holidays to you, your family, your dogs and your UFC watching-beer drinking frirends.

    Now I’m going to have Scott Disick nightmares tonight. Just great.

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