A Brand New Year Means A Brand New Slate Of The Same Old Shitty Movies… 2012!

December 28, 2011

Happy Wednesday!

We’re only a scant couple or few or less than a handful of days away from the big bad apocalyptic year of 2012 and with that we’re only a week and a scant couple or few or less than a handful of days away from the horrible movies that this big bad apocalyptic year has in store for us. Honestly, there are some goodies to look forward to this year – The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, probably a few others – but before we can get to those movies we have to trudge through the CRAP that comes out at the beginning of each and every year.

January, oh January, how we loathe your movies. This upcoming January has little difference than previous years – mostly shit and a few promising ones. I guess that really could be said for all months.

There are a slew of movies coming out in January that were featured in the Tribeca film festival. I don’t think I’m previewing any of those, but they are coming out. Generally speaking, a quarter of the movies I’m even previewing right now will not be seen by you or even be in a theater near you to not be seen, as far as the Tribeca movies well they’ll definitely not be in a theater near  you and no one wants to see them anyway. I did look them up though to see if any of them on the off chance were interesting and they weren’t. Edward Burns who at one time was a prominent masturbatory fantasy for I would imagine thousands of women out there would now have to pay a woman to pleasure herself to the thought of him later when she has the time and he isn’t around. Not too many remember Ed’s white Irish ass and Brother’s McMullen nor should they. Well, Ed is up to his old tricks and making an indie relationship comedy/drama. Also, Vincent D’Onofrio made a horror movie about a band going into the woods to record an album and they make this emo kind of album while getting butchered by a masked killer who is probably played by Vincent called Don’t Go Into The Woods – I believe. Either way, they both look stupid, so why did I even bother mentioning them.

MOVIES!!!! PREVIEWS!!!! GO!!!!!!

BENEATH THE DARKNESS

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This movie looks like shit. Not the shit, just shit shit. Dennis Quaid and that chick from Friday Night Lights are in a shitty movie together with horror elements. Same I guess could be said of Legion, but who even bothers remembering that movie besides me? So, Dennis Quaid plays the town’s mortician because every town has a mortician and he’s supposedly a pillar of the community, which shows how shitty this shitty movie’s shitty fictional town is. Guess what? The mortician is actually some creep who plays with the dead bodies and these two youngsters on the poster with Dennis don’t call the local cops or nothing and instead try to stop Dennis all Scooby-Doo style. Sounds like shit, right? Guess what? It is and you’ll never see it.

NEXT!!!!

THE DEVIL INSIDE

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I’m not seeing this. I don’t even want to see a trailer of this. It’s a horror movie and it’s about exorcism and that’s all I need to know to never see a single second of this movie. First, I don’t want to see another exorcism movie for the rest of my life. I’ve seen too many as is. I saw The Exorcist which was honestly enough of an exorcism movie for 10 life times and I’ve seen a couple more. Horror movies suck way more often than not and if you would call The Exorcist a “good” movie then it is the only good movie about exorcisms… unless we’re counting Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II. I don’t care about you or the Devil in you, just stay on your lawn over there across the street and don’t key my car you weirdo.

NEXT!!!!

MISS BALA

This movie actually looks really good. It is a foreign film with the foreign language and the subtitles and such. The movie is about a beauty queen who ends up being a drug mule for these big time gangster drug dealers. I’m pretty sure it is based on a true story too or it isn’t and I made that up, but I’m sure even if I made that up that it isn’t too far from the truth. It does look good though. Take my word for it it looks good or watch that friendly little youtube trailer I embedded for you and find out for yourself how good it looks. It looks good. I want to see it. I want to see this pelicula, which is movie in Spanish. So there you go… first potentially good movie of 2012.

NEXT!!!!

CONTRABAND

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For some, this will be the first bad movie of 2012 they will see. This movie looks like shit. Mark Wahlberg is by-and-large a terrible actor who is in terrible movies. He is every once and a while in something good and he’s good in it like I Heart Huckabees and The Other Guys, but usually he is in shitty movies. This is one of them. It is your average paint by numbers half assed action, crime caper, thriller, shitty movie featuring a bunch of actors collecting pay checks like Giovanni Ribisi. Remember that guy? Honestly, I thought I was going to see that guy competing for Oscars after I saw Boiler Room. I thought that was going to be his launching off moment and instead it may have been the peak of his career. Go figure. As for Wahlberg, he can go fuck himself with a hockey stick because he made fun of Tom Cruise for doing his own stunts in Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol and that movie is better than 90% of the movies that Wahlberg has been in and that movie isn’t even in the top 15 movies Tom Cruise has been in. So suck a dick, Wahlberg. Also, Wahlberg was a producer on How To Make It In America, so I’ll say “Thank you for showing America Lake Bell’s boobs” and then I’ll say “That TV show is cancelled and it should be because it sucked and you suck and you should stick to making comedies where you’re the supporting actor and everyone else just tells you what to do.” Don’t see this movie.

NEXT!!!!

CORIOLANUS

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So, I’m betting this movie is bad. I have this feeling it will be bad. A hunch. Reason being? It is kind of a “movie math” reason. I heard about this movie AWHILE back and thought it was supposed to come out several times already, which is not a good sign. The movie is pretty well stocked with good or name recognizable actors and yet there are no previews or trailers for it anywhere. It is also Ralph Fiennes first time directing. It is also a modern telling of a Shakespearean play. It is coming out in January. If you add up all those things then you usually have the making for a disappointing product. That’s what I’m guessing will happen here. That’s my “hunch”. I could be wrong, but I could also be right, so if you want to gamble on this then you may want to wait for a DVD or OnDemand or never. Or you could tell a friend how good this movie is and they’ll maybe take their significant other on a date to see it and then they’ll have to sit through it and then they’ll report back to you and whether it is good or not you can be like “I can’t predict the future or anything. No one put a gun to your head to see this movie. Stop crying to me about it, cry baby.” Which you really shouldn’t say to your friend, but you’re drunk and it’s noon and you’re kind of going through your own problems and they shouldn’t have come at you so hot.

NEXT!!!!

UNDERWORLD AWAKENING

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Hey, did I hear you wanted to see another Underworld movie? Oh, I didn’t? Well, they made one anyway. The first Underworld was pretty good and the second one was exactly as pretty good and then the third one was a completely unwarranted prequel, which was vomit inducing bad. Now, here we are standing at the precipice and staring deep into this fourth Underworld movie that no one gives a fuck about. Even better, this sequel has little if anything to do with any of the previous three Underworld movies. Yes, there is Kate Beckinsale as vampire/Matrix chick, but that’s about it. I don’t think a single character from the previous movies is involved in this including and especially Scott Speedman. This movie is more or less them restarting the Underworld franchise because no one else cares enough to make a proper sequel for it. It also appears to be somewhat of the same movie as the others already. Kate’s character is on her own even though there are dozens of vampires and werewolves, but for some reason she cannot find shelter amongst either group. AND the key to the movie will be the hybrid werewolf/vampire that everyone is fighting for and searching for. In the first movie, that was Scott Speedman. In the second movie, that was Scott Speedman and Kate and Kate’s potential baby with Scott Speedman. The third was Michael Sheen’s potential baby with Rhona Mitra. Now, that hybrid is some little The Omen chick and seriously who cares? Not me. Did you see Resident Evil 3D? If your answer was “no” (oh God, I hope you said no) then don’t see this movie. If your answer was “yes” then your taste is completely questionable and this movie looks exactly like that movie, so go waste some more money on Underworld Awakening. … … …

I will give one amendment to all my above ranting –  Kate Beckinsale is HOT! Like fucking insane hot. The director and producer and such of most of these Underworld projects is Len Wiseman who is a thoroughly forgettable director who is also married to Kate Beckinsale. Len needs to hold on to that piece of ass with grip of Beowulf. So if making Underworld movies makes her happy and keeps her in your bed at night then I would be making 10 a year. Whatever it takes. The game is the game and all that.

NEXT!!!!!

RED TAILS

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No one asked for an Underworld 4th movie and no one asked for George Lucas to get back to directing movies sans light sabers. No one really asked George Lucas to get back to directing movies with light sabers considering how much he is fucking up his own franchise. Nevertheless, George Lucas is finally directing a movie that isn’t about Star Wars and in doing so he is directing what he has said has been a passion project of his for many years, so many years that I guess he hasn’t had his head above water to notice that this exact movie was made in 1995 and called The Tuskegee Airmen. Literally, these are the exact same movies except Red Tails looks worse and more racist. If you were ever watching The Tuskegee Airmen from HBO, which was a very well done movie that won many awards and you were like, “I wish this movie was worse and I also wish the black guys in this movie acted more like stereotypical black guys from 80’s and 90’s movies.” WELL!!!!! GUESS WHAT?!!!! George Lucas has answered your prayers. That’s what this movie is. I can’t imagine it is too too difficult to find yourself a copy of The Tuskegee Airmen HBO movie from 1995, so watch that if you are even getting a slight inkling to see this movie. George Lucas is an absolute idiot. This is his passion project? THIS?! I wish a wookiee would tear off his arms and beat him about the head with them.

NEXT!!!!!

HAYWIRE

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YES!

YES!

YES!

I am unquestionably way too excited for this movie to come out. I will be fighting with myself in my seat while watching this movie because I really don’t want storyline – I just want to see Gina Carano and I want to see Gina Carano beating people up. That’s it. The acting, storyline, dialogue… just edit that out if you need to. I am a big Gina Carano fan as a man with my attraction to women and as a human being who absolutely loves watching people fist fight in cages or a ring. Gina hasn’t fought in a bit, but for the bit that she was fighting she was one of the most entertaining fighters out there both men and women. She was also an accomplished kickboxer before that. I mean I didn’t solely watch every episode of the new American Gladiators because Gina Carano was one of the gladiators, but that didn’t hurt. I also just love American Gladiators. Do I need to talk about how great Gemini was at the joust? And speaking of the joust, Carano was undefeated in joust. Just saying. The movie itself is one of Steven Soderbergh’s pet projects like Bubble was and Girlfriend Experience was. I didn’t see Bubble. But I did see Girlfriend Experience and I liked that movie a lot. Sasha Grey who was previously known for being one of the filthier pornstars working currently played a prostitute who was paid for the “girlfriend experience” that she gave her clients of intimacy and so forth meanwhile she was the girlfriend to another guy and having troubles in that relationship. Anyway, I’m just saying I love Gina Carano with my heart and my body and my metaphorical heart and body that is a fan of Mixed Martial Arts. So… I’m seeing this damn movie! Plus, the movie itself looks reminiscent of 80’s action films, which I love as well.

And are you really pretending like I’m not going to be psyched for a movie that has this…

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Jesus… fucking… Christ.

That’s Gina in GQ. Anyway, the movie is filled with a lot of famous dude actors like Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Bill Paxton, Michael Douglass, Channing Tatum and they’re all going to get Gina’s foot to their face one way or another. I’m thoroughly excited for this movie. 2012!!!!

NEXT!!!

RAMPART

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Supposedly this is very good. It looks like Woody Harrelson as The Bad Lieutenant, which isn’t a bad thing if he pulls it off. Woody is playing the most corrupt cop in America and there are all these other people in it. The focus of the movie will be Woody and Woody being this drunk bad dude who beats people up and I guess is the anti-hero because he will stop some criminal in the end. That’s what happens in Bad Lieutenant at least. Could be good. I’ve read some very positive reviews for this. I also know that people can be wrong. I do like Mr. Harrelson, so I’m interested in seeing this. I will not be going to a movie theater to see it most likely. It is available OnDemand I believe and there is this thing called the internet that I may download it from because why the eff not? Who is going to stop me? Woody Harrelson?! Come and get me, Woody. Plus what does he care? Do you know how much money he made from Cheers? Like a forever amount of money. I am interested in this movie. Could be good; could be meh.

NEXT!!!!!

ONE FOR THE MONEY

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This looks terrible. This movie has all the trappings of a Jennifer Aniston movie, but they went a wee bit younger. I’m not sure if Katherine Heigl wanted her career to be the second half of Jenn’s career, but it is. Bad, paint by numbers movies that people do not care about or see and people kind of hate her just because she’s on People magazine too much. Did you know Gray’s Anatomy was still on the air? I can’t believe that show has been on this long. I don’t even know if Heigl is still on the show or not, but neither outcome would surprise me and doesn’t surprise as much as that shows continual existence. Anyway, this movie looks stupid. Don’t see it. I don’t think you will anyway… but don’t see it. You’ll hate yourself if you see it.

NEXT!!!!

MAN ON A LEDGE

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Hey, remember that movie Phone Booth? Were you ever like – “they should make another movie like Phone Booth“? Probably not because you’re not insane. No one wants to see another movie like Phone Booth and yet here we are with Man On A Ledge. If you even have the discipline to sit through the trailer then you are a one in a million type of person, so roughly 7,000 people sit through this trailer. After that, if you still want to see this movie and/or didn’t figure out the whole movie after those couple minutes then I don’t know why you are reading what I’m typing… you and I just don’t understand each other. This movie looks stupid. Sam Worthington must have a twin that we don’t know about yet who helps him be in so many movies at the same time and they’re almost always bad. I will give this movie credit for the title – Man On A Ledge. That’s what the movie is… a dude on a ledge. One for the Money? What the fuck is that about? Who knows? I hate stupid movie titles almost as much as I hate stupid movies. It’s a stupid movie, but the title is A-OK. One out of two ain’t bad unless you remember that 50% is an F, a bad F at that.

NEXT!!!!

THE GREY

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Have you ever wanted to watch Liam Neeson fight wolves? Seriously. That is the question you have to ask yourself if you are going to see this movie. Do I want to see Liam Neeson fight wolves? Fight wolves with what? His hands! Judging by the trailer the climax of this movie may or may not be Liam Neeson tying broken airplane bottles of booze to his fists and then rasslin’ wolves to the death. No joke, that’s what this movie is about. If you want to see Liam fight a wolf with his fists and the bottles and such to the death then you should see this movie. If you don’t then you shouldn’t see this movie. The filmmakers made this pretty clear cut, which was nice of them. They are going after an extremely niche group of movie watchers in the variety that would possibly enjoy watching Liam Neeson fight wolves with his hands to the death. If you are not one of those people then you really need to fuck off and not see this movie because there is absolutely nothing for you to see here. I don’t know why they called this movie The Grey when Lord knows everyone is simply referring to this movie as the one that Liam Neeson fights wolves in. I bet the director, the actors, the producers, the executives in the offices at whoever made this movie all called this movie that too. What movie are we editing today? The one with Liam Neeson fighting wolves. Yeah, that one.

See it. Don’t see it. It is your life… a life with or without Liam Neeson fighting wolves in it.

Thanks for reading.

I love you?

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