Hey KSWI, The Year 2012 Has A Question For You – Which Of These Matters More In Your LIFE?

January 3, 2012

And… we… errr… ME… are… BACK!

It has been so long! How are you?! When was the last time we even saw each other? A year ago?! O. M. G. Never again will we wait this long to talk or for you to read my ramblings. Never again!

Yes, it is 2012 and by that I mean a “new year” and by that I mean “another week on this fucking rock we call Planet Earth”.

Today is Tuesday, HAPPY TUESDAY!, and last Saturday I got really drunk on beer and champagne, which is pretty much what I have done on every Saturday for the past several months, but LAST SATURDAY was a SPECIAL drunk on champagne and beer Saturday because it was the end of the time period we called 2011 and the start of this one we call 2012. WOOOO!!!!

Either way, that is exactly what happened. I drank around 10 beers, around 3 bottles of champagne, and I ate so many of those damn pepperoni slices, cheese slices and crackers that you stack them and make the smallest open faced sandwich in your mouth to your tummy.

For the countdown to 2012, I put the TV to NBC. A reoccurring funny theme of the countdown to 2012 was when people at the party I was at approached the TV and saw Carson Daly in Times Square they all made the same series of comments back and forth with me…

“Is that Carson Daly?”

“Yes.”

“Did Dick Clark die?”

“No.”

“Oh right, he’s just crazy old. So they took him off TV finally? That’s good because he was disgusting to look at.”

“No, Dick Clark is on ABC and Carson Daly is on NBC.”

“Oh… why don’t we watch Dick Clark then?”

– end scene –

By the way, I never changed the channel to ABC no matter how many times someone asked to see the rotting corpse of Dick Clark after they had just said how disgusting and glad that Dick Clark’s rotting corpse was replaced by Carson Daly even though he wasn’t.

Either way…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

So…

My question or should I say KSWI’s FIRST QUESTION OF 2012 TO YOU THE READER OF KSWI IS!!!!!!

Which of these three topics means more to your life in this new year and the rest of your living life…

1. The Iowa Caucuses

2. Hybrid Sharks

3. Katy Perry and Russell Brand getting divorcedAwwwwwww!!!! C’mon!!!! They were such a good couple, you guys!

Are you calibrating your answer in your head? Well, while you do that, I will shed some light on those individual topics.

1. IOWA’s CAUC… CUS… ES!!!!

Tonight, oh tonight, we’re going to get our dance on! Yes, tonight, we’re going to dance – tonight! And one more time we’re going to be dancing… and of course by dancing I mean we’re going to sit around in a gymnasium in one place or another physically representing ourselves as a vote for a Republican candidate for 8 hours on end for no apparent reason because we have the technology to count votes, but the music’s got me feeling so free so we’re going to celebrate one more time by dancing at the Iowa caucuses.

Yep.

In Iowa, the people of Iowa, are acting like complete sanctimonious (spelled that right the first time) assholes with their straw polls, caucuses and such for an election that is just shy of a year away. I don’t blame Iowa too much for this stupidity because who honestly gives a fuck about Iowa at any moment throughout the year of any year? So what the Hell? Give Iowa the most boring political Olympics every four years and pretend like it matters. It’s the first test of what will be more or less trial by combat for these Republican candidates and it matters in some ways and it matters very little others.

What to expect from tonight? I expect Ron Paul will do very well. Reason being- if you like Ron Paul then you’re crazy enough to sit around in a gym or a library for hours on end to be counted as a Ron Paul supporter. If you’re a Ron Paul supporter then most of your life is dedicated to supporting Ron Paul. You’re not causal about it. You’re in a cult and usually when you’re in a cult you don’t spend much time doing things that are non-cult related. You kind of just have fun doing cult stuff. You spend hours on the internet trolling websites who say something positive or negative about Ron and then you flip the fuck out either positively or negatively because that’s the type of person you are as a person who believes we should get rid of foreign aid and turn our economy back to the gold standard. That’s not really a casual acceptance of ideas – that’s an evangelical belief.

Rick Santorum will do well. He’s the hot new candidate at the moment. A week ago it was Ron Paul and the week before that it was Newt and like a month before that it was Rick Perry and then before that it was some other guy who we already forgot about. I think Rick has done a good job in these debates and so forth and I believe I’ve mentioned that before. Early on, Rick was in the shadow of Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann and nowadays Tim Pawlenty has been seen less than Bigfoot and Bachmann is like some distant dream that you kind of remember, but at the same time you’re like “why was I walking my cat with my dead grandmother and why were we in the movie Heat?” So you’re not entirely sure why that happened and you really don’t want to know exactly. Rick did a good job with the debates with the little time he had and was more or less hurling cutting comments at all around him like a blind knife thrower and at the same time was downplaying how crazy he is and poking fun at the overt craziness of Ron Paul and Bachmann and so forth. Then… Rick did something that will really help out in Iowa HE SPENT EVERY DAMN DOLLAR AND HOUR HE COULD ON IOWA!!!!! Rick campaigned more heavily in person than any of the other candidates and I’m sure that will do well in Iowa because the caucus is in IOWA.

What does this caucus mean? Not much. These people still have a dozen plus primaries to run through and who knows what the blood trail will lead to by that point. It is the first week of January and the Republican National Convention is 236 days away… so we’ve got a lot of time left. The Dark Knight Rises comes out in July and we still won’t know who the Republican dude is by then.

Either way, Michele Bachmann’s farce of a run at the Oval Office will most likely be eviscerated tonight, which is hysterical. So have fun with that.

2. THE MAYANS WERE RIGHT!!!! HYBRID SHARKS!!!!

The world’s first Hybrid shark was found exactly where the end of the world will start – Australia.

Seriously? How can we make an island of convicts a country, continent and give them a military and technology and an economy and access to lots and lots of wildlife and not expect that at some point they are going to breed HYBRID SHARKS!

As if sharks weren’t strong enough as is, now they are cross pollinating and creating an even more superior shark for the future of a planet that will one day be run by these frightening new sharks. So what are these hybrids?! HOW TERRIFYING ARE THEY?!!!!!!!!

The mating of the local Australian black-tip shark with its global counterpart, the common black-tip, was an unprecedented discovery with implications for the entire shark world, said lead researcher Jess Morgan.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait. So, the “Australian” “black tip” sexed the “Common” “black tip”? Are you fucking kidding me?! How had that not happened like a million times earlier? Seriously? Do sharks not drink booze? I’m surprised common black tips have fucked an Australian black tip just based on it having an accent – that shit happens all the time in the human world. Sharks are some prude ass animals. I don’t know about the water creatures of the world, but they would be blown away by what is happening on land. On land, EVERY BODY IS HUMPING EVERY BODY! There are legitimately pictures of about any four legged animal humping another four legged animal on the internet. I mean monkeys and dogs are probably the worst culprits, but they will have sex with seemingly anything. Of course, humans are the most wanted criminal of this act as well, but that kind of goes without saying.

Anyway… what does this mean for the FUTURE?!

It means the Australian black-tip could be adapting to ensure its survival as sea temperatures change because of global warming.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!…. hmmm… that’s kind of boring. I was hoping the article would say something like…

It means the Australian black-tip’s next generation of sharks will have LASERS SHOOTING OUT OF ITS FOREHEAD!!!!!!!

Whatever. Seriously, if sharks are ever to big of a problem anywhere on this planet then we just need to send the Japanese after them. The Japanese HATE sharks beings alive. They want to kill and eat every last shark EVER! It’s like all the Japanese care about are videogames, weird censored porn and the death of every shark known to man. So sharks are not an issue as long as there is still the tiny empire of Japan around.

3. KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND ARE NO MORE!

Yeah.

I think that is technically a 2011 story because it happened I think on New Year’s Eve, but either way today we’re talking about it sort of.

They were married for a year, so honestly who gives a fuck? I doubt either of them care that much. Russell is a good decade older than Katy and he’s sober and he’s got kids and he’s British. Meanwhile, Katy is probably far from sober and is in her 20’s and hasn’t pumped out any toddlers and probably wants to get as much D in her as humanly possible while she is famous. I don’t think Katy Perry is a brain surgeon or anything, but she has to know how short the celebrity of people of her ilk is/are. Look at the 1980’s… 70’s… 60’s… well let’s stick to the 80’s. Are you seriously going to tell me that Katy Perry is all that different than Tiffany? She’s had more success than her, but this “genre” of music of hot chick singing pop music is the greatest revolving door of who cares in existence. So why waste these precious moments in the celebrity sun with some sober wanker whose gimmick is pretending he’s drunk and in real life is a boring dad? That’s the question… and Katy answered it.

And now… THESE…

… are single.

Holy mother of God.

Didn’t she say she wasn’t popular in high school? That was either the worst lie ever told or she was home schooled. I can’t imagine a single school of people of any type of people who would not want to be friends with those boobs.

Unfathomable.

Anyway… Happy New Year.

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

HOW ARE YOU?!

I LOVE YOU?!

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