My First Big Sloppy Wet Kiss Of Manly Affection Goes To The New York J-E-T-S!

January 4, 2012

Happy Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s about time I talk some football again because the NFL is heading into their deadly serious playoffs and I’m thoroughly excited.

As mentioned many times, I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan (read: lunatic) and the Black and Gold are in the playoffs and they will be playing the Denver Broncos led by Timothy Tebow’s Christ-like will and Von Miller’s stout defense. And I can’t wait for that. I can’t wait to see that game. I can’t wait to see all the games. The Giants vs. the Falcons, the Saints vs. the Lions, the Bengals vs. the Texans… I am frothing at the mouth with excitement. In all honesty, the Texans and Bengals really isn’t that exciting of a game, but it’s the playoffs so it is exciting… hmmm… but let’s be serious… the other three games are like The Dark Knight Rises level of EXCITEMENT and Bengals/Texans is The Avengers level of excitement – I mean I’m seeing it, but that’s because I watch all that stuff. But I digress…

There is one game that IS NOT happening this coming weekend that I’m thoroughly excited NOT to see…

NEW YORK JETS vs. ________

THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!





















Pssssttt… Hey, Jonas brother. I know you’re from Jersey, so there’s a chance you’re a Jets fan, so I just wanted to say, ‘your team sucks ball, I’m glad they’re not in the playoffs and I hope they tear themselves apart in the off-season. Also, your music stinks, but nevertheless I want IT.’



Generally speaking, I probably hate the Jets as much as I do because I live/lived in New Jersey for most of my life. There are people all over this great nation and great planet who hate a particular local area team just because they are from their local area. My team like that is the New York Jets. The Jets are no rival of the Steelers in that regard, it’s really a circumstantial hate because of the proximity of my location, but over the past 3 years I imagine more people around this great nation of ours have begun hating the Jets. Basically, the head coach of the Jets, Rex Ryan, has helped spread a hatred for the team he coaches for like manifest destiny from sea to shining sea.

The Jets have no history in winning. They won the third Super Bowl and haven’t been back since and most seasons are far from it. The previous two seasons, Rex Ryan’s Jets have made it to the AFC Championships and lost, which means they were one game away from the Super Bowl. This year they don’t make the playoffs, so this year was remarkably worse. But with having no history of winning, they have completely lost control of themselves and are actively smearing each other and throwing each other under the bus and the team is in turmoil because they tasted goodness for the first time in almost ever and got drunk off of it and this year was the sobering hangover and they do not like it.


I listen to AM sports radio and since I still live in this area it is primarily about the Jets and the Giants, but everyone wants to talk about the lightning rod team and that’s the Jets. When the Jets win it is almost unbearable to listen to. They are so full of themselves and hyperbolic about a single win or anything and they have little right to be considering what they’ve done. As for when they lose… IT IS GLORIOUS!!!! They are just as hyperbolic and full of themselves, but in the opposite direction. Everything is in shambles and they might as well forfeit, but the next time they win then they’re the greatest team that ever was and they’re going to the Super Bowl again. It’s all or nothing with these people and they’re a middle of the road team, so no matter what these fans are always wrong.

I don’t know what Kristen is doing here, but she wants IT.

Now that the Jets haven’t made the playoffs and their fans were wrongly thinking they would win the Super Bowl, the fans more or less want everyone fired and start with a brand new team next year. In some ways that wouldn’t be bad because all the egos on that team really began fighting each other when they didn’t live up to their own lofty expectations. But obviously, it is a ridiculous idea and your team isn’t that bad… but your team isn’t that good either. The Jets think they’re waaaay better than they are and they also seem to not learn from experience, so all their bad aspects weren’t really addressed and all their good aspects were kind of taken for granted and they stopped working at them to stay good.

Anyway… it has been super fun listening to these supposed fans destroying their own team more than I could as an objective observer.

Also, unless the Jets change their philosophy up for next season then next season should play out like this one. They made a big deal about how tough they had it with their free agents this year, well it won’t be any easier next year. They make excuses that it really wasn’t them that made bad decisions it was kind of the world who only gave them the option to make bad decisions so they made the best bad decision. Whatever. The Jets made a ton of personnel decisions that went rather poorly this year and they blame that on the fact that they had too many personnel decisions to make – next year you’ll have a ton of personnel decisions to make… and the following year… and the following year… and so on because that is apart of the fucking job.

The Jets stink… enough about the Jets.

What about the teams that are actually playing in the playoffs?

From what I and Kristen can see…

The Pittsburgh Steelers are beating the Denver Broncos.

Of-fucking-course I’m rooting for my team. Would you expect anything different? I do think the Steelers are a better team in general than the Broncos. It will be a tough game and probably a low scoring one, but the Steelers should win this game. I like Tim Tebow and I like that Broncos defense, but the rest of that team is very underwhelming. Tebow doesn’t have a supporting cast of receivers and running backs to really facilitate him into winning in the playoffs or much next year. I think a lot of teams figured out that you can beat Tim Tebow because Tim is always the best option on the field and forcing him to pass the ball is what you want him to do not only because he’s not the best passer in the world, but more so because he’s certainly not throwing to the greatest receivers in the world. All of Tebow’s receivers can be beaten. Tebow’s running game’s best option is also himself and his second best option is veteran running back Willis McGahee who is far from consistent. He has good games and he has bad games. He hasn’t been the number 1 back for a team in a long while and there is a reason for that.

The Steelers are down a few key players and Large Benjamin is still playing on that injured leg, but the Steelers should win. The Steelers have a great receiving core, even though our lead running back Mendenhall is out there are two good backups in Redman and Moore, and, of course, the defense is one of the best in the damn league year in and year out. One player who is healthy, but won’t play is my man Ryan Clark. Sadly, Mr. Clark has sickle-cell or a version of sickle-cell or something and the last game he played in Mile High stadium he almost died because of the thin oxygen and his sickle-cell start shutting down some of his organs, which is never a good thing. Your organs should always be up and running… anyway he’ll be missed and hopefully we win and he’ll play in the next game. #25 lays the smack on dudes.

The other three games?

I’ll admit I’m unsure of what I think will happen completely between the Falcons and Giants.

I’m leaning towards the Giants because they are at home and the game is outdoors and it is getting quite chilly in New Jersey.

The Falcons have been playing great football, but they are primarily an indoor team and even more so an excellent home team. If this game was in Atlanta then I’d bet all my money on the Falcons, but it is in New Jersey and the G-Men should be the favorite. The Giants look good some weeks and look bad the others. They stomped the Cowboys, which was great to see. And they did so with tough defense, some good running by Bradshaw and with all the help from “The Miracle Worker” Victor Cruz and him samba dancing in the end zone.

So… I guess I’m picking the Giants.

Kristen is as high as the Lions vs. the Saints score.

The Lions and the Saints should be the highest scoring game of the weekend. Both teams are playing the craziest high scoring offense right now and their defenses seem to be non-existent. You’ve probably seen on the internet that Drew Brees has thrown for one million yards this year and you may have seen that Matthew Stafford threw for like 900,000 yards this season, so they’re kind of chucking it out there and amazingly enough their receivers are catching it. Should be wildly entertaining.

I’ll be rooting for the Lions in this game. Classic underdog rooting considering the Lions are only a few seasons removed from their 0-16 season and they haven’t been to the playoffs in over a decade…. and when they did go to the playoffs they lost. This team has zero history in winning and now that they are playing well, it would be nice to see them do well. Also, I think I’ve said before how much I like this team and a bunch of the players on in it like Mr. “House of Spears” Suh and Calvin “Megatron” Johnson.

But most likely the Saints will win. Who knows though? The Saints lost to the Seattle Seahawks last year in an enormous upset game. But this year is different and the Saints are better than they were last year. Their offense is stupid prolific and Drew Brees is a damn touchdown machine.

Last, but certainly least…

The Houston Texans vs. the Cinci Bengals… ugh

I’m just glad it’s not the Jets.

Either way, I think the Bengals should win it. The Texans have been limping along for the best couple months and they’re lucky they are in the worst division in football this year that they made it into the playoffs. Someone from that division had to make it in and the Texans were it. The Bengals are a pretty good team and should have enough to beat them.

Honestly, which ever team comes out of this game winning will be immediately destroyed by their next week’s match-up of either the Patriots or the Ravens. It will be the Patriots because the Steelers will beat the Broncos and the Steelers will then play the Ravens.

So there’s that!

Also, this weekend Showtime will have a free preview weekend and there are some delicious cage fights this Saturday night that everyone will be able to watch. No chick fight, which I’m pissed about, but there will be a few good dude fights. So watch Strikeforce on Showtime!





6 Responses to “My First Big Sloppy Wet Kiss Of Manly Affection Goes To The New York J-E-T-S!”

  1. tiffanized said

    I have a personal stake in the Bengals losing, namely that my hometown sports bar where I watch the games is plagued by the spectre of Bengals Guy. None of us know his name, but merely whisper the words “Bengals Guy” at the bar and people duck for cover. This guy, as you might imagine, loves the Bengals in a way that Jordan can only one day hope to love the Steelers. If you have the misfortune of sitting next to him while Cincinatti is playing you will know within minutes all manner of Bengals trivia, which you are helpless to get away from because you’ve previously been blinded by all the goddamn orange he’s wearing.

    I woke up to a text I sent myself overnight (and possibly some of you) that “Kristen Stewart is the Shannen Doherty of the new millennium”. I have no idea either.

    In any event I will be watching all of these games and maybe playing golf this weekend. Add that to the cigar I smoked on New Year’s Eve and I expect my honorary penis to arrive in the mail any day now.

    I also picked up the nickname Boobs McGhee this weekend. I meant to make that comment yesterday but I was too busy contemplating the Shannen Doherty/Kristen Stewart situation apparently.

    • KStewBoy said

      Kristen is nothing like Shannen D… The Want’s eyes are perfectly level on her face. Shannen’s were like the Leaning Tower of Pizza across her nose (world’s worst analogy!)…

      And the Bengals? Really? I can’t remember the last time I heard a reference to this team. Are they still in the league?

      I saw Drew Brees with his wife on TV last week – he’s cool beans.

    • It’s the “of the new millennium” part of your text that I like the best. Shannen Doherty would probably threaten to shoot and sodomize you if she knew you considered her to be irrelevant and replaceable with a 10 year old whose only role was “Girl in Fountain Line (uncredited)” in a TV movie at the turn of the millennium.

      • tiffanized said

        I was deeply medicated at the time of the Shannen Doherty thought. I do not believe this when I am coherent. I have no clue from whence it came.

  2. Hopie Dopie said

    Can that Jonas kid look anymore like a sexed up Mr. Bean???

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