These Guidos Don’t Listen To Enough Bruce Springsteen To Be From Jersey

January 5, 2012

Happy Thursday!

Three things to start things off on a completely random note:

1. It’s LANA Wachowski now and they’re the “Wachowskis” and not the “Wachowski brothers”.

2. My grand total of 2011 films has increased by 1 again to 63(!). I saw Tucker & Dale vs. Evil last night, which is streaming on Netflix. Funny movie. I would suggest not seeing the trailer first and just jumping into the movie. The trailer shows way too much of the movie, but if you have perused the trailer it is still funny. The movie is a comedy (obviously) making fun of slasher horror movies.

3. Senna is now on Netflix streaming. It was easily one of the best movies I saw this past year and you should watch it. I’ve talked about it before- it’s a documentary about a Brazilian Formula-1 race car driver who made an immediate impact as an internationally famous driver and died tragically/suddenly. Great movie, sad movie, great footage – even if you don’t know anything about race car driving. Also, it’s a documentary and it’s a foreign film, so it will make you feel like you have culture coming out of your wazoo… which you will need to balance out your culture karma if you watch this following television show…




It feels like only yesterday I was watching these idiots get drunk and make fools of themselves while trying (and sometimes successfully) spreading their seed all over Italia. Honestly, it wasn’t yesterday, but it was pretty recently because this show is almost on year round because it is MTV’s biggest ratings getter. Surprisingly, this fearsome eightsome didn’t get deported from Italy and instead chose to leave to get back to literally being the Jersey Shore at the Jersey Shore. That may be my favorite part of this show is that none of these people are from the Jersey Shore and two of the seasons didn’t even take place at the Jersey Shore, but no one is arguing that these eight luminescent cave people are in fact the JERSEY SHORE, BITCH!

I do love this show.

This is supposedly the final… the FINALE… of the Jersey Shore or at least of these people of the Jersey Shore. I honestly have not kept up with whatever rumors there may or may not be concerning this TV show. I remember Snooki and J-Woww were supposed to get their own kind of Kim & Kourtney Take New York style TV show, but haven’t seen anything from it. Also, I thought DJ Pauly D was getting his own show and I haven’t seen anything about that either. I sort of assumed at some point Ronnie would have gotten psychiatric treatment for himself, but have failed to see any progress there as well.

Lastly, the most lingering question of questions has always been – will there be a new cast for the Jersey Shore that will keep this ball rolling?


My thoughts: I hope so.

How can we say good-bye to these faces? Easily.

I’m ready to take the gamble in seeing if a brand new batch of guidos will bring a new fire to this show. I still enjoy seeing this idiots mix it up, but I think we’re both ready to take our respective walks of shame onward in life to a new cast or to something completely different or to a clinic to get checked out for at the very least crabs.

In this picture, the cast is clearly paired off with who they will be hooking up with this year. Not surprising, but still looking forward to it.


There you go!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… hahahah… hah… hoooo… hmmmmm.

Truthfully, this cast would consider that “hooking up”. Hand holding is considered hooking up as well as dancing with someone, which more or less means everyone is the sluttiest person on Earth. I’ve danced with relatives! I’ve held relatives hands! It’s a regular incestual bonanza nightmare at the Newmarks!



I love this picture. Deena couldn’t be anymore into this picture. She is selling the shit out of this picture. In her small brain she’s thinking, “This shit is going to look so sexy. We’re like the guido Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.” Meanwhile, Pauly is thinking, “Two more pictures?! He said ‘two more pictures’ 5 pictures ago! Also, Deena smells like Jagr.” And no I did not misspell Jager as Jagr. I believe Deena smells like former hockey great Jaromir Jagr – a foreigner filled up with booze who has been playing hockey and hasn’t slept in days and now has quite a palpable musk going.


Yeah, Deena! Work it, Deena!

You could tell Deena she looks bad in this picture and she wouldn’t believe you. The more I look at Deena the more I think she spent too much time around drag queens. I don’t know exactly who her fashion icon is, but it may or may not be a lady boy flamingo dancer who deflowered her on a family cruise when she 14. I’m just saying, something had to have driven this girl to want to look like Charro today and she definitely doesn’t know who Charro is/was.


Hey Deena, we found this table cloth… errr I mean dress… at this Pollo Loco… errr I mean Mexican cloth dispensary?

I couldn’t imagine Deena working a job. Any job.

Name a job out loud. Just say any job out loud. Now, imagine Deena doing that job. Horrifying, right? You can continue this for hours. It is great entertainment.

If I was running this TV show, I would make this cast take an IQ test before they finished their final episode. We’ve been watching these people for 5 seasons now and don’t you want to know EXACTLY how stupid they are? I know I do.


The Situation.

He looks like the creepiest dwarf on steroids. He doesn’t seem life-size. I am baffled at his continuous celebrity though. I have a strange admiration for The Situation because the guy realizes this is his shot and he is milking it for all its worth. He may be a dumb ass, but he’s no dumb ass. The rest of them have started to follow suit and get different jobs like J-Woww is designing bikinis and so forth, but that was after a couple years of watching The Situation make literally 6 figures off of the randomest stuff ever like laundry bags, protein vodka and so forth… and DANCING WITH THE STARS! That’s unbelievable that he was on that show and really quickly in fact. He may seem like a moron and a date rapist, but the guy knows how to take lemons and make lemonade and for that – I salute The Situation.

Although, he does make me wildly uncomfortable…


Uhhhhh… I want to throw up.

Can you believe women have sex with this guy? Like ALL THE TIME. It’s disturbing to me. He doesn’t even play guitar or anything. He is famous for being a creep ball who has sex with drunk chicks and BOOM more drunk chicks have sex with him.

Years from now there will be a child watching television and see their grandmother when she was in her 20’s banging Situation and that will happen A LOT.

People worry about getting a tattoo and that staying with them for their whole. I can’t imagine having the Situation’s penis inside of you could be any better on your future psyche.


He’s just goofing around though!



Unquestionably the most liked person on this show, DJ Pauly D.

I like him too.

I don’t have anything bad to say about the guy. I mean his haircut was stupid and he’s still rocking that, but I would call him a sellout if he ever got a different one. I want him to be 45 with that thing and then 55 and then 105. I want to see an AARP ad with DJ Pauly Delvecchio rocking his blow out.

His penis is also pierced.


J-Woww is a good looking woman.

It took several seasons for that to happen and for me to be truly comfortable with that idea. When J-Woww first entered the house she more or less looked like Kesha’s big titted lackey. But she’s grown into being a very attractive female. And by that I mean, if I were at a strip club I would DEFINITELY get a private dance from J-Woww. It’s not a particularly classic Hollywood beautiful like Natalie Wood or Audrey Hepburn or Charlize Theron. It’s more of a realistic like she’s an adult anime character come to life with her big these and her big that and so forth. It’s kind of hard to look classically beautiful when you have a pair of breast implants bigger than your head, but who says everyone has to be classically beautiful? I certainly don’t.

Also, J-Woww seems to be back to the happy medium she was at before Italy and/or at the end of Italy. When she first arrived to Italy last season, it looked like J-Woww had stopped eating … entirely. She was deflated. She looked like some of these UFC fighters all dehydrated at weigh-ins. It was not appealing. But she started eating and/or boozing again and she seemed to fill out by the end of the season.

I have not seen J-Woww in person, but I know people who have and they all said she was better looking in person than on the show. I didn’t know if I believed them for the first couple seasons, but I do nowadays. Plus she comes off really great in comparison to these other broads on the show. Deena and Snooki are the sloppiest messes in the history of the world and Sammi seems like an annoying bitch … and then there’s J-Woww with her enormous fake breasts. How is she not the best of the bunch by a long shot?


This is the look you see before you get punched in the face… guy or girl.

Ronnie is a psychopath. He goes from child minded to dynamite fists in 1 second flat. He’s kind of like Lennie from Of Mice and Men if Lennie was 5 feet tall, tan and regularly had sex with chicks. He’s actually a pretty scary individual, Ronald. He has crazy emotional problems because he’s crazy and at no point does it seem like he or anyone else will get him the help he needs. I mean Mike Tyson was put on Zoloft at some point and he also found religion and that still didn’t help too much, but it seems like we just keep jabbing Ronnie with a pointed stick until we regret it forever. At times I hope the Jersey Shore is scripted because then that would explain why we allow this maniac to scream and physically threaten Sammi or anyone else in the house as much as MTV does… but I doubt they do and instead we love watching bad stuff happen to other people.


Awww… but this is the other half of this mentally unstable bi-polar roid rager. He’s got a child’s smile.

I actually had a dream last night that Haley Joel Osment worked at a store called “Valhalla for Vinyl”. It was a record shop that I went to and the kid from The Sixth Sense was there. Sometimes my dreams are boring. Nevertheless, “Valhalla for Vinyl” is a decent name for a record store.


The sweetest bitch I’ll ever meet!

I don’t think they ever answered the mystery of Sammi getting bigger boobs over the past season, but she does have them and honestly I look her better because of them. I like her even better because she started to recognize in Italy what a completely terrible person she is and how insufferable her and Ronnie’s relationship is. That helped out a lot, but I would be lying if I didn’t like her having bigger boobs too.

I rewatched the first couple episodes of the Jersey Shore not too too long ago and it is hysterical seeing Ronnie and Situation’s faces when they first meet Sammi. They think she’s special like she’s the classiest chick they’ve ever met. That says a lot about those two guys specifically. Either way, Situation didn’t get Sammi and Ronnie got her and I don’t think Ronnie won out in that. I bet Situation wouldn’t mind toning down all the hitting on chicks at times, but Ronnie seems to find himself living in Hell after a few days of steady interaction with Sammi.


Sammi is a succubus.

Sammi is also darker than most black people.




Snooki started off Italy looking pretty good. She looked the best I’ve ever seen her. In this picture, she is looking even better than that. But at the end of Italy she looked like someone had beaten her with a 18 wheeler filled with Budweiser. Although, she has lost a bunch of weight – I’m sure she’ll get just as sloppy looking by episode 6. Old habits die hard and Snooki is not paid to be on the Jersey Shore to live healthily or make good decisions.


But I do like Snooki in the sense of the TV character that she is. Watching Snooki exist is almost to a T what I think celebrities are like. I’ve pointed this out before, but Snooki looks like Elizabeth Taylor. Sure I’m think of the Elizabeth Taylor who was twice Snooki’s current age, but Elizabeth Taylor nonetheless. Taylor went through a ridiculous tanning and outfit wearing phase, which is simply Snooki’s life. I can only imagine that Taylor was a drunk mess in public, making a complete spectacle of herself, sleeping with whoever took her home, crying at the drop of a hat, utterly useless, and constantly oscillating from one state of disaster to another. Snooki also gets arrested and gets away with it and everything – just like a real celebrity.

I wouldn’t be able to stand being around her for more than 10 minutes.



I kind of hate Vinny and always have. Early on, I didn’t mind him as much because he was the nerdy one of the bunch – the one that kind of didn’t fit in. But as the show has gone on, Vinny has become the Diet Coke equivalent of The Situation. Hate is kind of strong word… I just don’t like the dude. He’s fake. He’s more fake than the others because he seems to become more like them as the show goes on and I don’t think the others have changed too much. Situation has always been a creep and when he gets creepy they look at him like “Mike, you’ve changed”, but no he hasn’t. He’s always creepy! Vinny wasn’t always this Diet Coke Situation, but he is now, so whatever. Fuck it.


Seriously? He’s a schmuck.

Can’t wait for tonight.

They’ve shown in previews that Vinny leaves the show. Should be interesting to see what happens with that. They’ve also teased they’re getting a new roommate to replace Vinny. Should be interesting to see that.




2 Responses to “These Guidos Don’t Listen To Enough Bruce Springsteen To Be From Jersey”


    I forgot about Pauly’s pierced penis. And this is not the first time you’ve reminded me of Pauly’s pierced penis. Probably won’t be the last, either.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: