KSWI Question of the Day: Is Nick Lachey in League with the Devil?

January 18, 2012

Yep.

Happy Wednesday!

I don’t watch any narrative television programs on Monday and Tuesday nights until a hopefully new episode of Conan starts at 11pm, I’ve been entertaining myself by downloading and watching episodes of ABC’s Wipeout. I have watched the show on and off and have missed many episodes, so I’m making up for that. Some may say, “If you see one person go down a slide full of shaving cream, which sends them flying into a spinning foam wall that knocks the person for a loop and then into a pool of muddy water then you’ve seen every person do that” and those people would be DEAD FUCKING WRONG. I can’t get enough of this shit. I love it. It is ludicrous what happens to these people like they are human cartoon characters who being battered and thrown and walloped by pads and hydraulic lifts and half drowned in pools of dumpy water. And once you get to the final stage where the people compete against each other in a timed race for $50,000 it gets real intense. It’s simply a wonderful show.

There are three hosts on Wipeout. There are two dudes – John Anderson (you may remember him from ESPN) and John Henson (you may remember from Talk Soup). The lone and quite fetching female host is also the sideline reporter of sorts who interviews the maniacs who appear on Wipeout was Jill Wagner.

Ms. Wagner was the host of the first few seasons of Wipeout (were there 4 of them? Not sure and Wikipedia is down today). I’m not sure what transpired, but this lovely lass was replaced in the most recent of Wipeout. I did just look up Jill on IMDB and she’s on MTV’s Teen Wolf, so maybe she left to do that. She’s also from Winston-Salem, North Carolina and went to North Carolina State University where she graduated with a degree in Business Management and it was actually Jill’s birthday last Friday, so a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, Jill Wagner. Hopefully, Jill is reading this, but if she is not then hopefully a friend of hers who has to be reading this will pass along the message.

So, Jill, as mentioned, was replaced by another very attractive female… Vanessa Lachey formerly Vanessa Minnillo.

This gets us back to the title of my post, which is also a fairly rhetorical question…

Did Nick Lachey make a deal with the Devil?!

I think the answer is obviously a resounding…

YES! YES HE DID!!! OF COURSE HE DID!!!

Listen, Nick Lachey is a millionaire. Nick Lachey is famous. Nick Lachey had a famous boy band. Nick Lachey married Jessica Simpson. Nick Lachey divorced Jessica Simpson. Nick Lachey immediately got married again and this time it was to that crazy beautiful lady in the picture only inches above this controlled angry ranting right here.

What on EARTH?! How the fuck did Nick Lachey do that?! ANY OF THAT?!

At one point in time, Nick Lachey was a doofy, frosted tipped, square jawed, average height (very possibly below average), dime a dozen singing voice having guy who was born in Kentucky, but raised in Ohio. After toiling about in different colleges (a year at USC and then another year or so at University of Miami in Ohio), a childhood friend invited him to join a boy band in Los Angeles, which would turn out to be 98 Degrees.

Let me repeat that… INVITED HIM TO JOIN A BOY BAND IN LOS ANGELES!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate my friends. At no point has anyone of them ever MADE a boy band nor invited me to be IN IT. I hate them so much!

On a fucking lark(!!!!!), Nick joins 98 Degrees as well as his brother Drew and then they go off and make a TON OF MONEY AND BECOME FAMOUS AND SHIT!!!!!!! I hate my friends so fucking much. Seriously, 98 Degrees joined right in and was the third string behind the starting two of N*SYNC and The Backstreet Boys. By the way, how is “backstreet boys” not code for “guys who sell themselves for sex in alley ways”? Anyway, that’s enough right there to have said that Nick Lachey (let’s be honest here, it’s pronounced LATCH-EE) sold his soul to the DEVIL(!). But that’s not where Nick stopped…

Nick then went on to marry this chick…

I HATE YOU SO MUCH, NICK LACHEY!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

FUCK!

Ok… breathe… deep breath… wooooo…. ok…

Nick and Jessica Simpson are married for 4 years until 2006 when they got divorced. You know whatever. That’s between them… and I guess anyone who watched every episode of their TV show. Anyway, that happened. So Nick becomes single…

I’m not sure how long Nick was on the bench, but I remember that it didn’t take too long for him to be back in the People magazines of the world with pictures like this one…

FUCK YOU!!!!! FUCK YOU, NICK LACHEY!!!!!!

Just for your information, that is Nick Lachey being straddled by Vanessa. You can tell specifically because of Nick’s entirely unique shitty tribal arm band. I hate you, NICK!

So… Nick woos Vanessa Minnillo and then at some point last year the two of them got married.

Also, I don’t know if this matters, but both Vanessa and Jessica are 7 years younger than Nick as well, so another fuck you to Nick Lachey.

So… this is Nick Lachey today…

Nick Lachey has made a pact with the Devil and I don’t blame him – I envy him.

Fuck you, Nick Lachey. Fuck you, very much.

Despite any anger I do have towards you, in a heart beat I would be there for you if you wanted me to be in your next boy band or business venture then somehow ends with us being involved with ladies like Vanessa Minnillo and Jessica Simpson. If anyone needs to write a book about getting ladies it should be Nick Lachey… although as mentioned it would be full of different sacrificial ceremonies to summon the Devil and then to sell your soul to him.

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3 Responses to “KSWI Question of the Day: Is Nick Lachey in League with the Devil?”

  1. MyRobbie said

    A few things. First off, hello! Secondly, did you ever see Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) when it aired on Spike TV a few years ago? Tons of wipeouts and extra extra bonus in the voiceover work. Hilarious. Too hard to explain how funny the announcers were, you should just try to find a youtube clip.

    Third, Wikipedia’s back up! Yay! This is how I know the exact title of that show. Googled Spike TV japanese and there we were. Also, Spike TV showed something once that I thought was funny. It’s a crazy world!

    Fourth, errrr, I don’t want to burst your bubble about Nick Lachey’s supposedly charmed life, but what if those girls are just, well, not all you think they are? I mean, sure, there was/is probably lots of sex and nekkidness, but what about the rest of the time? And even then, it’s only the nekkidness and their good looks while nekkid that you can really be sure of (thanks, white bikinis!). What if they’re bad in the sack? What if they talk constantly? About stupid or annoying things? So that, even if you were just gazing at them without their clothes on, once they started talking and then started setting your teeth on edge, it would totally be ruined. (Scarjo in the Dolce Gabbana TV ad, I’m looking at you.) I haven’t thought about this at all, though. You know, whatever.

    I totally agree with you about the money – that’s grossly unfair and you really do have shitty friends and if it were in any way possible, I’d totally form a boy band with/for you.

    Longest comment ever. Happy Thursday!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      John Mayer did say having sex with Jessica Simpson was better than crack or was as addicting as crack…

      Jessica Simpson has some obvious down sides like her Dad, CREEPY AS FUCK Joe Simpson…

      Yeah yeah – there are arguments to be made against those two women, but superficially the dude has done quite well for himself.

      That TV show sounds familiar. I was an enormous fan of the original “Ninja Warrior”, which was more about sheer insane athleticism and gross amounts of disappointment.

  2. Sandra said

    I dislike vanessa she aint got shit on jessica! When jessica loses her weight vanessa better get a boob job and ass job. Shes hella skinny and aint even that pretty. Jessica had a bomb ass body wen she was with nick. He just couldnt stand that she was more successful than he was. So he found a allright looking girl who is not famous. Stupid he made a mistake being with vanessa she aint half the woman jessica is.

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