These Raven Haired Sex Goddesses Have Come To Do Two Things: Kick Ass And Make You Spend $10 At A Movie Theater

January 19, 2012

HAPPY THURSDAY!

Woooo!!!!

Tomorrow is Friday – as we all know due to last year’s web sensation Rebecca Black – and this particular Friday is January 20th, which is also the jumping off point for the box office battle this weekend between two dark haired, sexy ladies who will beat the piss out of dudes for the entirety of their respective films. Of course, I’m talking about…

KATE BECKINSALE

AS

SELENE

IN

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING … in 3D!

That is your one option. You could possibly go see the lovely Ms. Beckinsale who is reprising her role from the first two Underworld movies as vampire extraordinaire Selene who will be fighting another vampire conspiracy, the government, and those dastardly lycans (werewolves aka that thing Jacob becomes between him taking off his shirt and putting on another one)… all the while I believe Selene will be trying to protect a little girl who is actually a little lycan/vampire Gohan filled with more power than anyone else. There will be gun play, probably some sword play as well, martial arts maneuvers, I’m going out on a limb and saying Selene will do a split legged back flip over a lycan and it will all be in slow-mo, and there will be some scene where you will see Beckinsale’s naked back, and so much more or maybe not.

That’s your one option…

In the other corner…

Starring in her first movie EVER…

The former MMA star of the now defunct Elite XC promotion and former NBC American Gladiator “Crush”…

The REIGNING(!) and DEFENDING(!) “FACE OF WOMEN’S MMA” – whether she is actually fighting or not…

GINA!!!!!

CARANO!!!!!!

AS

MALLORY KANE

IN

HAYWIRE!!!!

I am uniquely biased with this option. Before I begin, I will say that Kate Beckinsale is a gorgeous woman who if she makes it to 100 years old will probably be the first sexy centenarian, but with that being said Beckinsale is a beautiful actress and Gina Carano is at the very least an MMA fighter on hiatus. For a span of a few years, Carano was the best women’s MMA fighter and previously was the best women’s Muay Thai kickboxer of her weight class. A lot of people out there want to simply discredit Gina for what she accomplished because any non-insane heterosexual men should want to have sex with her as well as any non-insane homosexual women and any non-insane bisexuals. But despite those “haters”, Gina was in a phrase “beating bitches bloody” in her fights up until her run-in with the currently on leave for steroids Cris “Cyborg”. Either way, Gina fought and defeated a bunch of chicks and each one of those fights were crazy exciting and entertaining and besides her looks that’s what kept her at the top of the heap in the women’s MMA division. The looks didn’t hurt as far as getting her on TV, but if she didn’t win those fights then she wouldn’t have been in the following ones.

Anyway, the movie itself is supposed to be an ode to spy action/thrillers to the 70’s and whether it is that or not, it appears that Gina Carano will kick the shit out of Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor, possibly Antonio Banderas and Michael Douglass, and other men with less than famous names. The storyline is a wild mix of who knows what and it is also told out of order, so it isn’t helping the viewers in that department, but it could be interesting. Either way, it’s an action movies and so is Underworld, which generally means there isn’t a solid storyline attached.

I’m definitely seeing Haywire. I would doubt that I’m seeing Underworld in the theaters, but will end up seeing it at some point on TV.

My two gripes with Haywire I do have and I haven’t seen the movie yet are thus…

1. VOICE DUBBING – There hasn’t been an answer given yet, but Gina’s voice has been dubbed over by someone unknown smoky, husky voiced lady. Some have posited that Gina’s voice is too “girly” – I don’t know about that or necessarily agree or understand what the problem of that would be considering she is a GIRL. The only reason I could guess – and I think this is a stupid reason – is that Gina’s voice does have some inflections that kind of sound like a California accent even though she grew up in Texas and Las Vegas. Either way, I don’t know why Steven Soderbergh removed Gina’s voice, but I would probably disagree with his reasoning because it’s just annoying to hear someone else’s voice come out of Gina’s mouth.

2. TRAILER SHOWS TOO DAMN MUCH – I get that they want to entice you to see these movies, but for eff’s sake make it more of a mystery. On Hulu right now, you can see the first 5 minutes of the movie, which shows the action scene with Channing Tatum. There are other commercial spots that show I’m guessing the 90% of the action scene with Michael Fassbender. There are other commercial spots on top of that one that show about 50% of the action scene with Ewan McGregor. ON TOP OF THAT… you can see clips from other action scenes in the movie like that shot of Gina with that sub machine gun. Anyway, the trailers look good, but it’s the whole damn movie.

Nevertheless… I’m seeing Gina on the big screen.

I do find it sort of funny that there are two big action movies fronted by beautiful brunettes battling this weekend. Which one will win the weekend? I’m curious myself. I hope Gina does, obviously. Underworld would be the potential favorite with the 3 previous movies setting up the franchise helping her as well as the 3D… but the novelty of Gina and the appeal of an actual athlete as an action star and whatever draw the name Steven Soderbergh gets might be able to pull the sway in Gina’s favor.

Should be interesting.

As for you, ladies, you Kristen Stewart wanting IT, ladies… I think you should pick Gina as well because Gina and Kristen Stewart do share at least two things in common…

First… Gina Carano knows how to want IT…

Second… Gina Carano knows how to lip bite…

AND LIP BITE!!!!

AND LIP BITE!!!!!

And…

If you go see Beckinsale you’re not going to see any man candy, but if you go see Gina Carano in Haywire you will see Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Douglass (does he still do anything for people?), Antonio Banderas and, the sexiest – joking, Bill Paxton.

And if you have one of those dom fetishes, well you’ll get to see Gina tussle with these men and tussle roughly.

So vote Gina 2012!

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One Response to “These Raven Haired Sex Goddesses Have Come To Do Two Things: Kick Ass And Make You Spend $10 At A Movie Theater”

  1. I remember reading some Cosmo-ish article when I was 13 that was something along the lines of “Subtle Ways to Make Him Want to Kiss You” and #1 on that list was biting your lip. It was supposed to draw his attention to your mouth without him really knowing why. Seems some ladies may have read the same article and really held strong to that philosophy.

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