DUMP MONTH MOVIES! FEBRUARY MOVIES! DUMP MOVIES FOR ME AND YOU! – Part 1

January 24, 2012

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Today, we talk of movies… but first…

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S “STATE OF THE UNION” IS TONIGHT!!!!!

I’m psyched for the “State of the Union Address” tonight. For the past 6 months we’ve been battered by the public speaking of the absolute nit wits who are running or who have been running to be the Republican Presidential nominee and future loser of the General election. I need a refresher, I need a political palate cleanser of sorts, I need Obama with his sherbert sweet words to make me re-love this fucking country again. I will be watching.

Ok… let’s move on…

Actually, for just a second… could someone PLEASE EXPLAIN why anyone in the Republican party cares what Mitt Romney’s tax returns look like? Why do any of them care about how much he is paying in taxes? Newt Gingrich said he himself paid 34% in taxes. HE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT SO THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO PAY 34% TAXES AGAIN! Newt wants lower taxes for the rich! Meanwhile, Mitt is paying 15% because he pays expensive accountants to circumvent the tax system, but it is all perfectly legal. If Newt knew how to do that he would! So why does Newt need to see his taxes? Or Ron Paul?! RON PAUL WANTS US TO PAY 0% TAXES! WHAT DOES HE CARE ABOUT TAX RETURNS?! In actuality, the 15% that Romney is giving the government is 15% more than Paul would have him give. A minute or two ago, Herman Cain wanted Romney to only pay 9% taxes. If you’re voting Republican come November or in these primaries or whenever then whatever money Romney is giving the government in taxes is TOO MUCH not too little. Democrats are the ones trying to make the rich pay more on taxes, so if you’re pissed about Romney paying as little as he does then BECOME A FUCKING DEMOCRAT YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Newt isn’t trying to right that wrong! Newt wants to lower the taxes on that upper class and raise taxes on people making less than 40K, so WHAT IN THE FUCK IS ALL THIS TAX TALK ABOUT?! It is mind boggling.

Ok… let’s move on…

I just saw that the Academy Awards and/or Oscars’ nominations were released and they stink worse than the dog shit diarrhea that has been coming out of my almost 13 year old mini dachshund dog who has Cushing’s. It smells for MILES. There is really nothing to say besides 2011 was a decently shitty year for movies and the Oscar’s just made it look like an even shittier year. Holy God – whoever put together those nominations should be banned for 2 years from even watching a movie. No more movie viewing for 730 days. They suck. I hate them.

Ok… let’s move on…

FEBRUARY!!!!! We’re closing in on a new month and with a new month means new movies and here are the first half of the new movies slated for this DUMP MONTH! … … …

BIG MIRACLE

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Did you not see Free Willy? I don’t know why this movie is happening. This movie is about a family saving a family of whales and somehow the Russians and America and maybe Santa Claus are going to help save these stupid whales who got themselves stuck in the Arctic circle, but we’re all moving Heaven and Earth to save them. And this is a movie? They say it was based on a true story, which is code nowadays for ANYTHING CAN BE A MOVIE. They also roped in John Krasinski into making this. I mean not to sound like Emily Blunt is a gold digger, but Lord knows John’s going to have to do a little better than whatever scratch he’s making as the now third or fourth lead of a TV show he was the second lead on a year ago. As for Drew Barrymore, she would make any movie ever especially if it is an unwatchable one. If you don’t have kids, but you’re watching this movie then you need re-evaluate your decision making process.

CHRONICLE

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I’m looking forward to this movie. The trailers are kind of cheesy and the acting looks pretty cheesy, but all-in-all this movie looks more like what the TV series Heroes should’ve been rather than the pile of horse crap it was. It’s three friends who discover they have super powers all of a sudden and then using them in everyday life. The movie is shot all Blair Witch Project with a friend documenting their experiences, which is I guess why the movie is called Chronicle and not Dude With Super Powers And Shit Gets Real. Specifically, the special effects for the movie look good. It looks like a bunch of people who are really really really good with aftereffects software who may have went to college for that stuff or just started dicking around with it and using online tutorials, but they got really good and now they made a movie about it. There are a lot of movies coming out nowadays that are like. Some are good – District 9 – and some are TERRIBLE – Skyline. This movie looks on the better side. Some of the action scenes already look pretty inventive and some of the misadventures they get into look pretty inventive. I’m also interested in the movie because besides it looking like what Heroes should’ve been – it also looks a lot like what The Covenant should’ve been and sadly when I worked at Sony way back when The Covenant was a movie I was reading the script and giving notes on. That movie sucked. The only thing that movie had and this movie might not have is a few great looking girls running around in their underwear for no apparent reason… well, there is a reason – it’s fun for the whole family to look at. I’m seeing this movie.

THE INNKEEPERS

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I don’t love or even like horror movies most of the time. I can’t remember the last horror movie I sat and watched. Unless you count every Korean movie as a horror movie because they certainly have some fucked up stuff happening in them. But I usually don’t watch horror. I also very rarely watch ghost horror movies. That’s why The Innkeepers is about and later The Woman in Black. I’m just not into ghosts and/or horror movies, so these movies are out there, but Jordan is never in them. All I can say about The Innkeepers is that the poster is nice for a movie about people being murdered by ghosts or whatever. If you see those types of movies then you’ll probably see this because what’s the difference between one ghost horror movie than another? Honestly? If you sat and watched White Noise and sort of liked it then see this movie. Who cares? It’s not like it could be so much worse considering White Noise wasn’t even good. It’s horror. It’s ghosts. Have fun not sleeping for a few days after seeing it.

W.E.

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All you need to know about this movie is that Madonna, yes that Madonna, wrote and directed this movie. That right there should be enough for you to base your opinion on seeing this. Add to that, this movie is coming out in February! Anyway… what is this movie about? I honestly had no idea what this movie was about, so I looked it up and here is the thrilling synopsis:

“W.E.” tells the story of two fragile but determined women – Wally Winthrop and Wallis Simpson – separated by more than six decades. In 1998, lonely New Yorker Wally Winthrop (Abbie Cornish) is obsessed with what she perceives as the ultimate love story: King Edward’s VIII’s abdication of the British throne for the woman he loved, American divorcée Wallis Simpson. But Wally’s research, including several visits to the Sotheby’s auction – ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?! OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST BORING SYNOPSIS EVER. I HAD TO TAKE TWO BATHROOM BREAKS ALREADY AND THERE ARE STILL TWO SENTENCES LEFT. WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS EVEN ABOUT? WHAT KIND OF SYNOPSIS HAS THE WORD “ABDICATED” IN IT? SERIOUSLY, MADONNA I HATE YOU FOR MAKING THIS MOVIE AND FOR RUINING GUY RITCHIE. I CAN’T IMAGINE YOU’RE EVEN SEEING THIS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY JUST SKIPPED THE SYNOPSIS BECAUSE WHO CARES ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT OR YOU DID READ THE FIRST TWO SENTENCES AND DIED OF BOREDOM ON YOUR KEYBOARD AND YOUR SUICIDE NOTE WILL READ “asdfasdhfkggggghhhhssshhhhhhhhhhasd” AND TRYING TO FIGURE THAT MYSTERIOUS LAST WORD WILL BE MORE INTERESTING THAT THIS SHITTY MOVIE WILL EVER BE –  of the Windsor Estate, reveals that the couple’s life together was not as perfect as she thought. Weaving back and forth in time, “W.E.” intertwines Wally’s journey of discovery in New York with the story of Wallis (Andrea Riseborough) and Edward (James D’Arcy), from the glamorous early days of their romance to the slow unraveling of their lives in the decades that followed.

And done.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK

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Honestly, I couldn’t care any less about this movie. I know a lot of people are getting themselves psyched for this for two reasons: 1. people like to get themselves psyched for things, but then not do them when the time comes to actually do it because half the time the anticipation of doing something is more eventful than actually doing it and 2. Daniel Radcliffe was in all these kiddie wizard movies and now people want to see what he can do as a “serious” actor. Oh yeah, ghost horror is some “serious” acting. Anyway, I’m over all those fucking Brit magic trick kids from Harry Potter. I’m so tired of all of them. I get that most of you are probably too, but you’re sticking by a few of them for the same exact reason why I will keep an eye out for Emma Watson’s career – you want to bang them. And that’s cool and perfectly legal… nowadays… but I don’t want to bang Daniel Radcliffe, so I don’t want to see this movie. Even if Emma Watson was in this movie, I wouldn’t see it because of the ghost horror stuff, but I would look up online for any clips or pictures where the lovely lady is perhaps wearing just her underwear or as she would call them KNICKERS. If you want Daniel Radcliffe’s penis in or around you then go see this movie. If you don’t then don’t. Or if you like ghost horror and you want to compare contrast The Innkeepers to this because for some reason February is ghost horror month. Who knew?

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

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Damn you, The Rock. Why do you always make the kiddiest kid bullshit ever? I’m not seeing this movie and neither are you unless you have children. Everyone does realize that this is a kids movie, right? No one is uncertain about how much of a kids movie this is? It’s a sequel to that other kids movie Journey to the Center of the Earth with Brendan Fraser. So it’s a kids movie. We’re all in agreement? Right?! Ok… now this is Vanessa Hudgens in the movie…

WOW!

That right there is for the adults in the room and/or trying to convert any “Princess Boys” into picking up a guitar and trolling for chicks because WOW. Kids movie?! Even look at the poster. That is the picture they chose specifically for the movie and look at how much of Vanessa’s beautiful boob is the focus of the picture. It’s about all I can see! And you can call me a pervert all you want and I have two response: 1. if it is perverted to find Vanessa Hudgens attractive and think her wearing skimpy wet clothing is attractive then I’m perverted and 2. I’m perverted. Seriously though, the chick is in a kids movie. She looks sexier in the above picture than anything I’ve gotten in the last series of rated R movies I’ve gone and seen.

Maybe I’m seeing this movie.

SAFE HOUSE

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Paint by numbers action flick for Ryan Reynolds is becoming this dude’s modus operandi. As for Denzel, well the dude kind of does what he wants. He’s in a good movie then a shitty movie, but he’s always Denzel, so it kind of makes the movies look sort of credible in that “if I’m laying around on my couch and this movie is starting up then I’m watching every second of it” kind of way. I haven’t seen Unstoppable, but that’s the first Denzel movie I haven’t watched in several years. I’ll end up seeing this movie. I’m not going to go watch a movie about a train that lost its breaks, but I’ll watch a movie about Denzel with a gun and shooting fools who step to him. That’s something I’ve watched before and will watch again. As for Ryan, at one time I thought Ryan Reynolds was going to be a HUGE deal, but he’s not and I’m over whatever it was that I saw in him. I think I understand why he’s been dumped. I don’t know about you, but actors need an aura and Reynolds has none. He hasn’t made me laugh in awhile and his chiseled physique isn’t as impressive as it was several years ago. Either way, I’ll see it. It’s either ghost horror or this at this point, so I’ll choose this.

DENZEL PLEASE MAKE GOOD MOVIES AGAIN!

MORE OF GEORGE LUCAS RAPING MY STAR WARS LOVING CHILDHOOD… NOW IN 3D!!!!

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Suck a dick, George Lucas. … … in 3D!

I fucking hate George Lucas.

Oh and I hate you too if you see this shit movie in shit 3D.

That’s the first half of February and it is pretty shitty as expected. Tomorrow, Part DEUX!

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One Response to “DUMP MONTH MOVIES! FEBRUARY MOVIES! DUMP MOVIES FOR ME AND YOU! – Part 1”

  1. Chronicle and Safe House both get yeses. The Woman in Black also gets a yes, but probably not a theater yes. A Netflix yes. And Madonna just gets set on fire.

    Do not go see that awful Journey movie. Just ogle Vanessa’s nudie pics again like a respectable human being.

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