The Only Thing That Is Remotely Interesting On The Internet Is Miley Cyrus + Her BBC Cake, And Ghost Beyonce

January 26, 2012

Happy Thursday!

I’m kind of having a writer’s block moment because I haven’t at all thought about what I want to write about today. Some days I have things prepared and some days I wake up expecting the internet to provide for me something to rant and rave about. Today, I woke up with no previous issue I felt like discussing and the internet is as bland as ever. By “bland” I mean all the wild shit happened yesterday and I feel like I’m treading on well-worn territory because if I’ve seen it on the interweb then I believe you’ve seen it on the interweb. That’s really how it goes. I’m purely subjective in that regard. If I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it and if it is a day old then it’s shit to me. But that all changes today.

Today’s post will be about two things I’m guessing you have already seen…

The first is… an optical illusion

And the directions are as follows…

1. Stare at the red dot on the woman’s nose for 30 seconds.

2. Turn your eyes to a plain surface (your ceiling or blank wall).

3. Blink repeatedly and quickly!

Did it work?!

BEYONCE GHOSTS ARE HAUNTING ME!

This is what Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue’s life must be like. Blink your eyes and there’s Beyonce. Blink again and there she is again.

I enjoyed this optical illusion mostly because it worked. Sure, Beyonce is an attractive frappucino, but I can/do look at Beyonce pictures without needing to do all this staring and blinking nonsense. Some optical illusions never work for me. My eyes will not do what the directions tell me to have them do. I will emphatically affirm…

I, Jordan Newmark, have never successfully saw anything in a Magic Eye picture. Never. Not once.

Do you know how frustrating that was? Especially, during the time period I grew up in. I mean there are things that I would love to change if given a second chance at this life with the help of the almighty. First – I would never see a single horror movie ever. What was the point in all those sleepless nights? Seriously?! They weren’t even good movies. Second – get laid in high school. That would have been nice. I’m just saying. Third – Seeing one fucking Magic Eye rocket ship or rocking horse or black lab puppy or whatever the fuck I was supposed to see in that mess of zig zag colored lines. From like 1st through 5th grade there wasn’t a week I was alive where I didn’t run across a Magic Eye and at no point did I even see half an arm of a cowboy or a wheel of a school bus. Literally, it was a maddening experience that brought about the earliest onset of cynicism and a well-known feeling of disappointment in my ownself as well as life in general. I don’t see a shoe! You see a shoe?! All I see is a Frank Zappa tripping balls designed wallpaper and I’m furious about it.

I was good at finding Waldo. Not like championship level good, but I found him.

Outside of that, what else is there?

Miley Cyrus drunk as shit vulgarly pantomiming the fellation of a big black cock cake.

Sounds about right.

If you could avert your eyes from the sweet tea vodka soaked open mouth of Miley for a moment – you’ll notice that below the cake says “Happy Birthday Liam”. And you guessed it, Liam is not a nickname for Miley. Liam is actually referring to Liam Hemsworth the young actor who will appear in Hunger Games and is currently dating the Lady Cyrus.

Can we get a better and more awful looking shot?

Yeah, she’s a keeper.

Apparently, Hemsworth is from Australia and that is a continent island full of crazy people, but even they have to be a little disturbed by Miley. Besides Miley who is seriously about one second from performing the best rim job on a cake ever for an AVN award, the chunk of cake missing out of the BBC’s head is disturbing. It’s as if this BBC was riddled with staph infection and it is attacking its fireman’s helmet first, which is absolutely a nightmare of mine. Also, I would like to note that this cake appears to be circumcised. I too am circumcised and in all honesty couldn’t be happier about it. I have never handled an uncircumcised penis myself, but from what I’ve seen it looks… disgusting. If your penis could look “retarded” then an uncircumcised penis looks retarded. I’m just saying given the option between having bananas that are always and forever peeled for you to having to always having to peel a greasy banana – well, I think that the decision is obvious. Have a happy lunch on that one.

From Liam’s perspective, I bet this was the first time some of his friends were meeting Miley.

I mean Liam is a famous guy in some circles (little girls), but Miley Cyrus is crazy famous and I would doubt people haven’t heard her name for good and/or bad reasons.

So…

Liam? Is your girlfriend here? I haven’t met her yet. I don’t even know if I’ve ever met a celebrity as famous as Miley Cyrus.

Yes, she’s here. She’s actually right there…

Oh. Hi! I’m Liam’s friend from grade school. We grew up together.

I don’t think she can hear you over the dubstepped version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.

Right. She’s cute. Does she always have her finger in her mouth?

Not always, but it’s often enough that I could see how you could get that mistaken.

Where’s she going?

Oh. To get a drink.

She loves to drink.

It’s an awfully big drink.

She loves to drink awfully big drinks.

That’s fun sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes.

She seems to be taking that drink straight down all by herself.

Yeah, she’s pretty good at that.

High tolerance?

Not really.

But she can handle herself pretty well when she’s drinking that much?

Not really.

What could possibly happ-

AHHHHH!!!!! THAT’S MY NIGHTMARE!!!! IT HAS COME ALIVE IN FRONT OF MY VERY EYES!!!! MY PENIS RAVAGED BY DISEASE AND A DRUNK POP SINGER THREATENING TO CASTRATE ME WITH A SERVING KNIFE!!!! WHY LORD HAVE YOU MADE THIS A REALITY?!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE AND I WILL DO IT!!! ANYTHING, BUT MORE OF THIS SWEET MERCIFUL YET DEEPLY DISTURBED LORD!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

I should probably step in and get that knife from her.

Yeah, sorry about freaking out there, but yes you should.

– end scene –

Well, I think that about wraps it up for today.

My work is done.

 

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7 Responses to “The Only Thing That Is Remotely Interesting On The Internet Is Miley Cyrus + Her BBC Cake, And Ghost Beyonce”

  1. MyRobbie said

    Hi! I successfully did that optical illusion too! Pretty rad, as I, too, was never able to see any magic eye thing either. Although, I think I’m older than you and honestly, it wasn’t too big a deal.

    Miley Cyrus. Wow. I have a question – what’s wrong with her? She was on Disney fer chrissakes. Officially scarred. Oh and we didn’t circumcise our son, because unnecessary surgery is unnecessary, but now I’m freaked out about that too! I think, though, that he’ll be so very very awesome as a handsome, smart, kind, charming young dude, that it’ll be ok. I think. OK then! … … Penises!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Russell Crowe is uncircumcised and is very proud of it. So, if you’re going to take any opinion of mine with a grain salt – it should be about what makes an aesthetically pleasing set of man junk. If it is good enough for the star of “Gladiator” and “L.A. Confidential” then I’m sure it is good enough for your son.

  2. tiffanized said

    I like penises in general–no surprises here I hope–but I think uncircumcised penises are just swell. I was ambivalent about them before I spent a lot of time in the company of one, but I really enjoy it. Maybe because it’s different?

    • MyRobbie said

      Yay! I like hearing that. Which is weird, because it’s my son we’re talking about and all, but, still, nice. The thing about him, in all seriousness, is that, unlike his parents and his sister, he’s super outgoing and friendly and truly nice and charming. I think it’ll be okay regardless. I see him getting laid tons. And then I have to look at the Miley Cyrus photos up above, because somehow that makes me feel less creepy. Like – at least I’m not doing that! I may be talking about my three year old son getting laid in the future, but I’m not pretend cutting and licking a BBC cake!

      Also, Russell Crowe in LA Confidential was super badass. In my book, that has made him awesome and sexy forever, although, he frequently pushes my limits there. I’ll one day show him LA Confidential, when he’s a teenager, and we’ll discuss penises – if he’s upset about it. So, thanks, Jordan!

      • MyRobbie said

        Oh and by “I’ll one day show him”, I mean I’ll show my son LA Confidential. Pretty sure Russell Crowe has already seen it.

  3. My best friend’s boyfriend rocks the foreskin. She said she couldn’t even tell the first time she saw it because it was hard, and I guess it’s less noticeable in that state…? By the time she realized he was uncircumcised, she was already too addicted to his loving to care. I guess.

    Also, I remember hearing that people who couldn’t see the hidden image in Magic Eye pictures didn’t have depth perception or were racist or homophobic or something.

  4. Byron Sweatt said

    I’m almost 100% positive that Liam Hemsworth is NOT circumcised because he’s from Australia and they don’t circumcise down there, nor in Europe and most other places in the world. It’s just the United States that circumcises on a routine, rote basis and it’s been done so long in America that everyone here thinks circumcised penises are prettier because that’s all they’ve seen. Only 20% of males are circumcised worldwide, that’s a fact.

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