Another Week, Another Celebrity Awards Show, Another Post Making Fun Of The Rich And Pretty

January 30, 2012

And we’re (I’m) BACK!

Happy Monday, y’all! Y’all -readers that is. Happy Monday, which is the start of the working week and happy seeing your dumbass co-workers again! Wooooo! Man that must be fun. You had two days of vacay with seeing their stupid ass mugs, but now they’re live and in color (not a race joke) and they look just as dumbass as you remember from last week. Wooo!!! Life is good, am I right?

Well, my weekend went something like this – filled myself full of steak and red wine, passed out, filled myself full of eggs/bacon/toast/hash browns, passed out, filled myself with champagne, filled myself with cornish game hens aka tiny chickens, watched many men try to unsuccessfully kill each other in a cage, passed out, filled myself with buffalo chicken and tater tots, sort of passed out, filled myself with barbecue, watched the WWE’s ROYAL RUMBLE for the first time since high school and then passed out and now I’m here with y’all and it was a good weekend. Boom. Top that.

Today’s post as mentioned in the title is about ANOTHER FUCKING AWARDS SHOW!!!! And it’s not an awards show for people who helped anyone with anything at all. It’s another awards show for a bunch of the richest and prettiest people on the planet who live in a fantasy land of no work, all the spoils, and literally every 5 days someone throws them a lavish event where they have a 10% chance of WINNING AN AWARD! We really need to take this celebrity idolatry down a notch. There is honestly 150 award shows a year regardless of whether or not there is anything to award these people about. There should really be only an award show once every 4 years like the Olympics. Make it that whatever the actor accomplished in the past 4 years of movies is judged against another set of actors and what they’ve been doing in the past 4 years. Giving these people awards for every fucking movie they make is absolutely ridiculous. What does it all mean anyway? Is George Clooney in the month of June better than Johnny Depp in June and Ryan Gosling in June? Well he might be, so let’s make an award about it and give it to him – it’s the Guild of America’s Pretty Rich and Rich and Pretty People’s Award for Best Acting in a Movie that We All Agreed To Watch On Netflix Streaming This Week!!! YEAH!!!! And it’s on TNT because they “know” “drama”!

On Sunday night, while I was busy watching professional wrestlers beat each other about the head and chest for 3 hours, there was the 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards and I didn’t watch a single second of them and I couldn’t careless who won or was nominated or anything. If I cared about an acting award it would be the Oscars, but I don’t even care about that award. Anyway, the one nice thing that all awards shows have is the RED CARPET and with that these people dress up – some looking nice and some look terrible – and it is our obligation to tear them apart or give them our metaphorical bonerz of approval. So here we go! Red Carpet! An awards show I’ve never watched in all 18 anniversaries of it! Wooo!

First up are the four actresses from The Help and I’m honestly tired as shit hearing about them, but I’ll post their pictures because they seem like lovely people outside of the brainwashing Hollywood is doing on all of us that this movie isn’t a whiter and less good version of The Color Purple

There’s this one…

That one…

Hachi-machi one…

And the other redhead…

They all look good, so let’s move on.

I heard this was a concept couple’s costume with Brad Pitt playing the role of ranger Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings books and Angelina is one of the made up elves that the The Lord of the Rings‘ movies have felt to add to these wonderful stories for whatever reason like Evangeline Lily’s character or that Legolas is even in The Hobbit. I believe Angelina is supposed to be the evil elf princess Talleel who Aragorn convinced to join the good guys by deep dicking her with his penis or maybe he showed her the true king’s sword Andruil or the penis in the vagina thing. I forget. It was so long ago that I didn’t read that.

What’s your secret, Sugar? Michelle, Michelle. She said something about wanting to reclaim her sexuality or something with that Marilyn Monroe movie that no one bothered seeing. I’m excited about this because Michelle Williams used to get topless and was a blonde sex symbol and why not bring that back. I’m just disappointed that Busy Phillips isn’t in this picture with her. I love seeing the two of them gal pal around because it makes it that much easier to imagine the two of them getting lezie or lezy in my head movies.

Hahah… hohohoh… heheheh… look at me! I wore my drapes as a dress. How hysterical is that?! No one would’ve guessed it, but I just threw on the drapes and this medieval belt and I’m good to go to the awards show and when I win the award – which I always do – I will act fluttered as if this has never happened before and in my wildest dreams could have never prepared for this moment at all. Me?! I won?! You’re kidding me?! I mean I’ve 17 other SAG awards, I could never get over the excitement and the confusion it would cause to win an 18th! Look at me! I’m so silly.

Honestly, though, Meryl – if you’re reading this. I’m in love with all three of your daughters and would like to ask for their hands in marriage.

Fuck. I hate you, George Clooney. I hate you!

In this dress/hair, Stacy Keibler looks like the hot Brazilian wife on Homeland. I already thought Stacy was gorgeous, but it’s like she’s morphed with another gorgeous woman and so basically she’s evolving is what I’m saying. She’s a sexy predator. Who cares about Clooney and his ok movie The Descendants… Ms. Keibler was a Nitro Girl when I was in high school and I remember downloading shitty jpegs of her for… hmmmm… “research” purposes. It’s crazy to see where she has gone in her career from Nitro Girl to Miss Hancock to Stacy Keibler to Dancing with the Stars to boning George Clooney. Well done, Stacy. Well done.

I won’t lie Stacy was not my “favorite” Nitro Girl. I was partial to Fire or Fyre or whatever. She was a redhead with big boobs. Also, Diamond Dallas Page’s lady was a Nitro Girl and she had appeared in Playboy or Penthouse so there were nudes of her, which were easy to “research” to. But once Stacy became Miss Hancock… all bets were off. Good LORD! I love pro-wrestling!

Very cute. I actually do like this dress and like it especially on her because apparently she is actually her character in The Descendants in real life. Shailene running around that movie in a bikini is hands down the best part of that movie The Descendants through and through. The rest – you can keep. There are a lot better George Clooney movies out there and a lot better Alexander Payne movies out there. As for Shailene and her bikini, that was worth watching.

Uuuuhhh… I’m Jonah Hill… uuuhhhh… can I sit at the cool kids table now… uuuhhh…  please like me… uuuuhhhh…

I kind of did that above “sentence” in my head as a white Steve Urkel.

Don’t worry, Jonah. I’ll go see 21 Jump Street.

I like it. I think this is the best Kristen Wiig has looked at an awards show. At the same time, I really only remember one other awards show she was at and she dressed like Bjork at it, so this was an easy win for her. Either way, I do like this. I like the collar a lot. Adds a level of sexiness to Kristen’s look here. It’s making me think Kristen’s looking for some action this evening. Maybe wearing a sexy pair of panties as well… panties… or no panties… which is kind of unsanitary, but sexy. Butt sexy. Hmmmm… I’ve enjoyed this time with you, Kristen.

Also, go see MacGruber if you haven’t. I’m guessing you haven’t seen it because there are only like 54 people who have seen it. That movie is hilarious.

Where as Kristen Wiig is LOOKING for sex, Melissa McCarthy is GETTING some sex.

We all saw Bridesmaids and her husband in real life is the air marshal guy from the movie and the two of them had sex after and possibly right before the SAG awards. Maybe during. I’m not sure if he was there. But Melissa McCarthy is dressed up, looking good and, on top of that, she’s crazy successful now. A CBS show and a multi-award nominated movie. She’s probably hornier than I was in high school watching Monday night wrestling every time Miss Hancock stepped through the ropes of a Nitro ring. So… her hubbie at this point is more or less a living/breathing sex toy who needs to be ready at all times.

I’m just saying that’s how I picture things over my morning coffee.

Awww, Rose – what did you do to yourself? This is bad, Rose. Bad!

For all of you who watch/ed, 30 Rock – do you remember Emily Mortimer’s character that went out with Alec Baldwin, but she was the most fragile woman in the world where she couldn’t be touched or eat anything because everything in her just broke all the time because she was that delicate? Yeah, right? That’s what Rose looks like here and it’s not the best because that character was a joke for a TV show and this looks like real life. Rose – please get back to looking more like you from before you looked like this.

What’s up, Christopher Plummer? You’re 82 years old and I believe women would sleep with you. I don’t remember if I had you on my list of 50 over 60, but I should if I didn’t.

Oh yeah, and congrats on the awards or whatever.

That is not the real Tilda Swinton. Actually, looks can be quite deceiving – that is a cardboard cutout of Tilda Swinton. She sadly could not make it to the awards show, so they made this up pretty quickly and no one at all seemed to notice. That’s just some behind-the-scenes knowledge I dropped on you.

Hey there, Frenchie. I hope you win every award and I hope your movie wins every award and I hope the rest of Hollywood goes buttfucks themselves with pool cues for not nominating any of the movies I thought should have been nominated like 50/50, Drive, Cedar Rapids and whatever else. Seriously, I hope the French sweep the Oscars because fuck the Oscars.

Oh yeah, where’s the mutt? You’re an attractive Frenchman and all, but I want to see the dog, Uggie, and I want to see him do the cutest tricks that that dog does. GET HIM NOW!

Bonjour, pretty French lady.

This awards show is boring, so I’m going to put in this comment space instead a video of WWE’s Brodus Clay’s – the “Funkasaurus” – entrance. I love this man…

Voila!

Armie Hammer is a good looking man who is hopefully procreating with this good looking woman.

Did you read that Armie was recently stopped I think in Texas with marijuana? Why isn’t he in jail? That’s my question. Actually, I’m glad he’s not in jail. He’s a good actor. Plus, could you imagine what they would do to this guy in jail? Seriously?! He’s so handsome it must be hard for free men not to try and butt rape him.

I did skip some pictures. There was a bad one of Glenn Close and there was a boring one of Emily Blunt who is a beautiful lady, but it was a boring picture and then there was Zoe Saldana who for some reason was wearing a white mu-mu or something.

Judy Greer. I’m a big fan of Judy Greer especially her work on Archer, which is one of the best shows ever on ever.

Anyway, she was on Conan a few weeks ago and looked crazy sexy… so instead of looking at her in this dress… let’s take a peek over here…

Hmmm… small picture. Well, just look up Judy Greer on Conan. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find. Christ do I have to do everything for you?!

Hello, Tina. I’m not a fan of this dress. I do usually like what Tina’s wearing because usually she’s got some cleavage to a lot of cleavage going. Zip on the cleavage here. Seeing a lot of shoulders, which is cool and all, but let’s get a look at the girls. If you want us to ogle you then dress appropriately.

Good fucking Jews for Jesus! Lea Michelle wants IT. She really wants IT. Am I the only one who feels like she is undressing me with her eyes? I mean for you. I feel like she is undressing whoever she is looking at – in this case you and in my case me – with her eyes and her slightly opened mouth. This is almost obscene. Is this what Glee is about? I might need to start watching that show. Jeebus. How on Earth is she not in every movie just fucking? Honestly. I do not understand Hollywood at all. She was in Spring Awakening, which was all about boning and she gets at the very least topless in that. I imagine it wouldn’t be too difficult to coerce her away from Glee and into a slew of R rated movies. If she wants to sing in the movies then let her, but have her singing naked.

Sofia Vergara.

It doesn’t matter what I say here because you are already too busy imagining yourself doing the dirty all over this fine lady.

So… take your time.

I’ll meet you at the next picture.

..

.

Jane Lynch – always looking good at these awards shows. I’ve done several these red carpet posts and she’s always dressed great. Don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if she has a stylist or maybe she’s just a rational human being compared to the rest of these nitwits or she has a functioning mirror and she’s not color blind. Whatever it is, Jane should help some of the other ladies out. Start with Rose Byrne then move on to the others.

Jessica Lange… 50 over 60.

Playing the role of the White Swan Queen is…

Kaley Cuoco from the belly button or so (before the feathers or whatever that is starts) looks great. She also looks like a figure skater from the waist up, but that certainly works for me and my fetishes. Are you telling me that every 4 years that you don’t fall in lust with competitors for the individual women’s Olympic figure skating? You’re a liar if you’re saying no.

Awwww – Busy?! What did you do, Busy?! This is an awards show, not Lilith Fair.

Lord only knows why Ashlee Simpson was at the SAG awards, but she’s got a Black Swan thing going, so I would definitely be cool with seeing her wrestle Kaley and throw in Stacy Keibler to make it a triangle match for my heart.

And finally… as I’m winding down on these pictures and skipping bunches of them…

I have two awards of my own to give…

The first goes to…

“Holy eff you’re hot and I have no idea who you are or what you do at all” award goes to … looking for name … NAYA RIVERA!

Wooooo!!! Go Naya! As mentioned you are attractive and also mentioned I don’t have a clue who you are, so keep on doing what you’re doing or actually do more of it, so you may pop up on my radar and not just be a random person in a gallery of random people. She looks majestic in this dress. She also looks really busty in this dress. Two things I love in women. Boobs and majesticism.

And the ultimate award goes to…

BLOSSOM!

What was the award? The award was for being Blossom on Blossom! I can’t fucking believe I watched that show when I was a kid. Seriously? Who the fuck names a kid “Blossom” and then makes a TV show about a kid named “Blossom”? Have you ever met a “Blossom” in your life? I know for damn sure I haven’t. I hate when people say, “TV used to be better”. Yeah? When? When Blossom was on? Because that would be false. Her best friend’s name was Six. SIX?! What in the fuck were these people smoking?

I don’t even know what to tell you besides TV was always terrible and I’ve always watched it and will continue to.

What else is there to do? Read?! Get a hobby?! Pffffttt… I’d rather hear about Blossom’s shitty day at school

I hope you had a great weekend. Feel free to tell me about it.

One Response to “Another Week, Another Celebrity Awards Show, Another Post Making Fun Of The Rich And Pretty”

  1. tiffanized said

    I passed out a mere single time this weekend. Seems like failure in the stark light of Monday. My brother became an ordained Baptist minister yesterday, cementing my spot as the Evil One in the family.

    I don’t watch the awards shows either because I can’t stand live musical numbers. Now that they have the seven-second dump delay it’s just no fun anyway.

    Thank you for the beautiful people. I wish more had peni so I could offer up my ladybonerz of approval but the hopefully penisless Sofia Vergara will do. I saw a picture of her guffawing in US magazine at the gyno the other day and realized she’s a rare beauty indeed to be able to throw her head back, open her mouth wide, stick her teeth out, squinch up her face, flare her nostrils and still look stunning.

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