Ask Men’s TOP 99 WOMEN of 2012: A KSWI Deconstructive Opinion Piece part I

January 31, 2012

First off, as always, Happy motherfucking Tuesday!

I woke up today thinking I was going to take on an issue we have all been heavily concerned about for the past 24 hours since its announcement: the Carolina Panthers changing its logo and font. OH. MY. GOD! Can you believe they did it?! Russell Crowe was right in the first 15 minutes of Gladiator when he said, “What happens in life, echos for eternity” or something like that – you know when he’s in the forest running around with his dog and he’s going to kill all the German goths or whatever. Anyway, I couldn’t believe my eyes! Actually, I could. It is exactly what the Detroit Lions did a few years ago. Not too much has changed. They’re still the Panthers, but now it looks like the Panther has Mike Tyson’s face tattoo on his Pather face and the teeth are longer and more curved.

As for the font, it went from WYLD STALLYNS (!!!!) to a Power point presentation font more associated with an arena league team. Remember when Metallica cut their hair? It’s kind of like that… GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME A BETTER DEFENSE BECAUSE CAM NEWTON’S GOT THE OFFENSE ON LOCKDOWN FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS! GO!

I was planning on talking about that and I just did, so congratu-fucking-lations to me. And you.

But while doing my morning routine of website checking, I saw that Ask Men (a website I never go to) has put out a list of the most DESIRABLE women of 2012.

I found that quite interesting considering we’re on 31 days into a 366 day year (LEAP YEAR, MOFOS!) and they already know the TOP 99 most DESIRABLE women of the next 335 days. That’s extraordinaire. And wildly incorrect. Shouldn’t this list be the “who were the most desirable women of 2011” considering we’ve seen what happened in 2011 as opposed to in 2012 these women could all become quite undesirable. What if #____ becomes a crack whore? Or votes for Ron Paul? Or gets really into the belief that on December 12th the world is going to end? Or she joins The View? That shit will make her less desirable.

Either way, I am very curious about this list. I know who the number 1 most DESIRABLE woman is of 2012 because she was focus of the article that I clicked on that led me to this link *spoiler alert* it is Sofia Vergara. I can see that. She’s a good choice. But then I clicked on the link to the list and saw who #99 was and was mortified. So who the eff knows is on this list?

Let’s find out together and let’s see if I agree with this list. So, 99 is a lot, which means I’ll do this in parts. If you want to jump ahead and spoil the list for yourself – this is the website = http://www.askmen.com/specials/2012_top_99/

#99 – Paz de la Huerta

Uhhhh… no. I’ve watched two episodes of Boardwalk Empire, which means I’ve seen Paz naked 4 times. Paz has nice boobs and butt, but are we serious about being “desirable”? Any day I spent with Paz would start with a fun 20 questions regarding what symptoms she has to narrow down what maybe incurable STDs and addictions she has. Does that sound “desirable” to you? Out of all the women on this planet (circa 3 BILLION), a girl who has all the tell tale signs of being a diseased substance abuser who just so happens to be on a TV show that is boring is not going to crack the top 100.

#98 – Pippa Middleton

HAHAHAHAHAH… This is why I love shitty magazines/websites et cetera. From the perpetually underwear-less New York party girl “socialite” to the sister of BRITISH ROYALTY. What a list already! Is Pippa “desirable”? More so than Paz. Pippa is very cute and had the nicest dumper at the royal wedding for sure. I would say the most “desirable” aspect of Pippa would be her name and that her sister is BRITISH ROYALTY. The name would be fun for a little while. During the good times, calling out to “Pippa” or talking dirty to “Pippa” would be a change of pace and hilarious. But during the bad times, how can you ever imagine yourself yelling across a room at “Pippa”? If she stormed out of a restaurant, I would really second guess yelling out to her to stop. PIPPA?! WAIT! That would be tough. Of course, if you were hooking up with Pippa, every night would be double date night with the Prince and Duchess. That would be cool.

#97 – Tina Fey

Bam! Mother of two (three?), married, 41 years old – and Ask Men just wants to get into her pantaloons. I agree with them. Definitely a very funny, creative, smart, and successful woman. I’m not sure about should she be further up on the list or any of that (I’m not really going to get into that aspect), but she should be on this list. If her and I would ever end up together, I would have to tell her that Baby’s Mama is one of the least funny movies I’ve ever forced myself to watch. I’m not talking about comedies – just movies in general. Boys Don’t Cry had more humorous moments in that movie than Baby’s Mama. Can’t have a relationship built on lies, Tina.

#96 – Megan Fox

She’s crazy hot. She’s also crazy. She’s getting better though, right? I mean she did laser away her Marilyn Monroe tattoo, which is a step in the right direction. I’m sure most of this list will boil down to looks, but I will agree that you have to worry about a girl’s mental state who has willingly had intercourse with Brian Austin Green for years (!).

#95 – Lana Del Rey

Before her historically bad performance on SNL, I had never heard of her. I’m sure I’ve heard her single on the radio, but I don’t know which one is hers off the top of my head nor do I care. “Desirable”? Not more than the other 3 billion women on this planet. The only thing I really know about her is that she sucked so bad on SNL that Brian Williams (that Brian Williams) had to say something to an NBC exec about it. So, I’m not too hung up on Lana.

#94 – Elizabeth Olsen

Yes. I really liked Martha Marcy May Marlene and I would be surprised if she didn’t have a bright future in Hollywood. Desirable? Yep. She’s got the whole girl next door thing down and she’s got the paranoid/crazy down for the movies. Total agreement on Ms. Olsen.

#93 – Jennifer Lopez

Maybe if this was the Top 99 Women of 2002 and not 2012. No. Jennifer Lopez is a beautiful woman and all, but no she is not a “desirable” woman. Seriously? Anything Marc Anthony touches with his doodle stick, I do not want. If he just grazed his penis over a brand new Ferrari for 5 seconds, but then afterward I could have the Ferrari – I would not keep that Ferrari. That would go on eBay immediately. I could never keep or drive around in that thing knowing that he touched it with his dilsnick. Also, isn’t Jennifer Lopez a few years away from being just as crazy as Paula Abdul is right now? No on Lopez.

#92 – Adele

Uhhhh… “desirable”? She is very talented. I really like that album 21 and all, but she sounds like she comes with a lot of baggage. I feel like if I didn’t text her back within 20 minutes that when I come home she’s belting out some new tune she just penned about the fire, the rain, the rage, and the silence of our relationship. I don’t know if “desirable” is how I would refer to Adele at this moment. Like right after Alanis Morrissette penned Jagged Little Pill, I wouldn’t have touched that with a 10 foot pole. That’s a scary woman right there. But after some time passes and they cool down some, they yeah let’s hang out and get a smoothie or whatever. Also, I don’t know how she would feel about it, but we would have to have sex to her albums always. That might not be a situation she wants to be in, but it would have to happen. Also, all dirty talk would be a play on her song titles – I’ll roll you in the deep, alright.

#91 – Alessandra Ambrosio

If you’re into gorgeous Brazilian women then sure. (Victoria’s Secret model)

#90 – Berenice Marlohe

If you’re into gorgeous French women then sure. (Next Bond girl in the forthcoming Skyfall)

#89 – Lake Bell

Yes. I was certainly no fan of the recently removed How To Make It In America, but Lake Bell was on it and last year she got naked on it. Sweet mother of God. She is a good looking woman who looks even better naked, but I will add Lake without a doubt to the desirable list because she is on Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital. She can do comedic acting well, but she’s just hired to a lot of bad comedy movies and shows. She’s played the wacky/funny best friend to a main character chick in a lot of movies where if the guy really had the choice he would much rather have her than the main chick.

#88 – Emilia Clarke

Yes. Do you watch Game of Thrones?!!!! Man and women alike are desiring Emilia as Daenerys. She’s a great looking, she’s great on the show, and – are we even joking here? – talk about living out fantasy/roleplay in the bedroom with the Mother of Dragons. I’ve read like 6000 pages of George RR Martin’s bullshit sword and sorcery, so the living embodiment of Daenerys is a must. You women and your Team Jacob and Team Edward – well any dude who knows about The Starks and The Great Wall in the North are certainly desiring Emilia Clarke.

#87 – Madalina Ghenea

If you’re into gorgeous Romanian women then sure. (Apparently, a model that Leonardo DiCaprio slept with – is that what it takes to make this list?)

#86 – Jessica Chastain

Yeah and she will be for years to come. I don’t see the deluge that is Jessica Chastain in every movie ever slowing down anytime soon. I still need to see Tree of Life, but she’s been good in the other movies. Obviously, she’s a good looking lass too. I keep hearing people say that redheads are going extinct, but if anything over the past few years I’ve seen more redheads in movies and TV than I’ve ever seen before. Anyway, yeah, Chastain is a keeper.

#85 – Maria Menounos

Sure. Beautiful woman. Steadily employed. Greek, right? Why not? She also seems to be smiling and giggling a lot of the time, which is good. I’m not looking for any deadly serious people in my life. When shit gets serious, people get serious, but when it is everyday life and you’re interviewing the 3rd lead of the new CBS sitcom then you should be loose and happy because that shit is not serious.

#84 – Camilla Belle

She’s hot, I’ll give her that. She supposedly stole Joe Jonas from Taylor Swift – that’s what I just read in her bio on the site. Is that the most noteworthy thing about Camilla? Jeez. Well, she’s hot. I’ve seen her in a couple of movies. The one that sticks with me is 2005’s The Quiet, which is a weird and not so good movie, but it’s very very very difficult to turn off a movie where there is a lot of sexual tension between Camilla and Elisha Cuthbert. Man they tease the shit out of them getting down in that movie. They do kiss at some point, but the other 90 minutes is a lot of teasing and then there is some weird incest stuff in the movie that is quite uncomfortable… and a hot iron. Hmmm… how bad do you want to see The Quiet right now?! Anyway, she’s pretty and she’s from Brazil.

#83 – Zoe Saldana

Very good looking and is in a lot of movies. I haven’t seen Colombiana, but I really want to, but I’ve heard it is terrible – so that has been steadying my hand about seeing it. Anyway, she’s pretty and she was in Star Trek. I will say that she’s too skinny. My thigh is thicker than any part of her entire body. Plus, I eat. I will eat in front of you. At some point, that might become a problem if she isn’t eating as well. I do like Zoe though and wish her the best in her acting and I will lust from the sidelines about sexing her and filling her with bacon cheeseburgers.

#82 – Sunny Leone

WOW! Was not expecting that! But YES! Pornstar Sunny Leone. Apparently, Sunny was on the Indian version of Big Brother… what-the-fuck-ever. This may be counter-intuitive for some of you and it may be hypocritical, but c’mon… she seems to be quite good at her day job of being a pornstar and she’s not that filthy of a pornstar either. Pornstars are simply an exception to most rules. Also, in the bio they really don’t mention her porn – they say she’s done work for Penthouse… uh huh and also there are these videos on the internet where she takes a man’s penis and puts it in her holes. I mean that’s something she’s done as well. Anyway, yes to Sunny.

#81 – Elsa Pataky

Yeah. Elsa was born in Madrid, speaks 5 languages, has a journalism degree, and the top of her titty is peaking out in that unbelievable picture of her. Wow. Yeah, she’s a very beautiful woman. She’s currently have sexual relations with Thor, which makes a lot of sense – DAMN YOU, THOR! You may also remember Elsa as the way too good looking Brazilian cop in Fast Five, which was undoubtedly one of the most entertaining films from 2011. Desirable? Yes.

#80 – Demi Moore

So, I’m guessing this article wasn’t written in the past week. Demi Moore is a good looking woman still, but no. She’s been going nutso recently and is taking whip-its or something. I don’t know about Demi anymore. Plus, am I the only who thinks Courtney Cox has completely taken over Demi’s celeb identity?

#79 – Caroline Wozniacki

Yes. I’ve talked before about my affinity for the female athlete and Caroline was involved in that. She’s pretty and crazy good at tennis. I think I would be a great female athlete’s boyfriend/husband/love-uh. I’d go to these tennis matches or golf outings or volleyball games or MMA cagefights with bells on and would cheer my proverbial nuts off. I would also make no bones about my willingness to throw down with the significant other of her opponent to defend my lady’s honor. What did you say?! I’m coming over there! That serve hit the line, motherfucker! ACE, bitch! You want some of this?!

#78 – Rose Byrne

She’s good looking. She was good in Bridemaids. But if we’re comparing – and I guess I am – then I think Lake Bell is more “desirable” than Rose, but what the fuck do I know. I was just poking some fun at Rose yesterday with that outfit at the SAG awards. She is Australian, which means there’s a high percentage chance she likes to drink and get wild when she drinks, which is cool. Yeah – why not.

#77 – Zoe Kravitz

Pretty random. She’s also quite good looking. She comes from pretty good looking stock of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet. How could that not be fun? I mean hanging out with Lenny Kravitz has to rule, plus I’m Jewish so he and I would have that connection going. I would ask him to teach me “Are you gonna go my way?” on whatever instrument he feels like it. If I had a bucket list then playing that song alongside Lenny and Tom Jones would be near the top of it. Plus Lisa Bonet is pretty wild herself and is currently all handsy with Drago from Game of Thrones. So, yeah – Zoe Kravitz. So, basically dating Zoe would be to me a lot like dating Pippa Middleton. Who would’ve guessed that 20 minutes ago?

#76 – Kate Moss

Nope. Not for me at least. Have at her fellas, I’ve never been a Kate Moss type of guy. I’ll sit here and think more about Zoe, Lenny, and possibly the Welsh Tom Jones.

#75 – Olga Fonda

If you’re into gorgeous Russian women then sure. (Supposedly, an actress.)

Whew… that was only to #75?! Felt like I went through all 99 of them.

Like I said, I’ll do the rest throughout the week. I feel only sort of bad that I’ve only posted pictures of chicks, so I’ll throw in a shot of #81’s man… THOR (in my head, he has no other name – he’s just THOR)…

Oh yeah, men are sooooo shallow. I’m sure Thor over here speaks 5 languages and has journalism degree as well.

Thor’s got a million times better taste than his brother with Miley.

Until tomorrow…

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2 Responses to “Ask Men’s TOP 99 WOMEN of 2012: A KSWI Deconstructive Opinion Piece part I”

  1. That’s a very good breakdown of the list so far, Jordan. I agree with you on all points except J.Lo. I have a weakness for J.Lo that I can’t explain.

    Emilia Clarke, Jessica Chastain and Lake Bell are outrageously sexy. I will watch anything they are in. But Tree of Life really burned my ass this year. I wish I had those 2 and a half hours of my life back again.

    Kate Moss. Are they kidding us? Not if my life depended on it. Ok, maybe then – but I wouldn’t enjoy it.

    I know what # The Wantness is on this list, but I will keep my trap shut.

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