Happy Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Leap Day/Year/Day!

There is so much to be happy about – not March movies in particular – in this world today. What are the things that I’m happy for you ask?

1. I’m alive.

2. I’m talking to you.

3. I’m going to drink Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey tonight.

4. A new The Dark Knight Rises poster came out today, so that only reminds me that there will be in fact a greater day than today when I get to see that damn movie.

5. Taking a 4 day trip to Boston, Mass starting tomorrow, which means today is filled with great anticipation.

6. I started playing Mass Effect 2 yesterday because I never played it and Mass Effect 3 is coming out soon, so I’m playing this one before that one. The plot so far? The aliens called “the collectors” that no one has any info on and who kidnap other aliens are the bad guys – shocking. The rest of the aliens can be either good or bad, but are usually good or dead after you interact with them. Also, you are in charge of a multi-racial-alien-species ship filled to the brim with sexual tension and your personal assistant, Kelly, is one long lingering stare away from humping your face off. Lastly, you have magically powers.

Let’s get on to this list of MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!! … too much excitement … they don’t look particularly great.

21 Jump Street

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I’m seeing it. They’ve been hinting at a 21 Jump Street remake since I was in college and, sadly, I was in college 6 years ago. I watched 21 Jump Street as a kid. I did. I know people claim they did stuff, but really didn’t, but I did watch that show regularly. It was ripe for parody back when it was on and it is still ripe for parody now. It seems less a parody and more just a comedy ripping off the premise. It seems more like this movie is a remake of Never Been Kissed, but instead of Drew Barrymore getting kissed by a teacher, (isn’t that what happens?) who is sort of a pedophile, there’s some drug ring at the school and Jonah and Channing need to stop it. The commercials look entertaining and I’m hoping those are not the best part. I think Channing Tatum is a terrible actor, but I have faith that he could pull this off pretty well. Channing is the new Mark Wahlberg in every-fucking-way-imaginable and this is something that Mark Wahlberg does well. Marky Mark has been in four great movies (The Other Guys, I Heard Huckabees, Boogie Nights, Three Kings… the rest have sucked) and each one has leaned towards comedy in a way where Mark is still playing serious. It doesn’t hurt that those three movies were done very well by both the director and the rest of their cast, but anyway… I think Channing could be pretty funny making fun of who he is. I’m seeing it.

Also, I think the bad guy is the kid from the Footloose remake. I am so fucking torn about seeing that movie. I, without any sarcasm, love Footloose. The movie is absolutely genius from beginning to end. I’m worried I like it too much and can’t see the remake because of that, but there are two things that are making me want to see it – 1. Julianne Hough appears to be glistening with wetness and gyrating at all times throughout this movie, and 2. the director Craig Brewer who I enjoy thoroughly as a director.

Casa De Mi Padre

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POR SU-FUCKING-PUESTO!

At least, I think that should translate to “of fucking course”, but who knows. I’m pretty sure the Spanish I was taught in my schoolings was real Spanish and instead was some Spanish a white guy from a border town thought he heard the Mexicans speaking back in 1890. That’s what I imagine. Either way, I will see any movie featuring Will “The Thrill” Ferrell because I love him with all my heart. Secondly, it is in Spanish – ay caramba! Thirdly, Will be bookended by two of the best Spanish language actors Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal. I’m fucking psyched. I love the premise and the people in this movie. On top of that, there are a ton of hot Spanish speaking chicks in this movie, so that’s pretty cool too. If this movie isn’t good then I’ll burn my neighbor’s house down con fuego!

Jeff, Who Lives At Home

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Well… I want to like it because of who is in it. Jason Segel, Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, and Judy Greer… but it doesn’t look that great. It looks like an odd mix of comedy and drama and neither is nailing it. The trailer also seems to show almost the entire movie. I don’t know what the conclusion of this movie will be, and it being an indie film means quite possibly there is no conclusion, but from the trailers it seems like you get most of it. Brothers are estranged at the beginning of the trailer, they understand each other and love each other by the end of the movie. That seems like that might be the movie in itself. Also, the movie Cyrus was funny because it was CREEP-fucking-COUNTY, it was so creepy it was bigger than a city. It’s a cast I like, but people you like can make bad stuff too. This also reeks of a movie that was made a few years ago that is just being put out now… I don’t know if that’s the case, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all to hear that. I’m going to say tread lightly on this one and not get too excited about it and if you see it it may beat out those lowered expectations. I like the cast, but the trailer is dull.

The Hunger Games

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I’ll see it. I sat in a theater of screaming 13 year olds and dirty 30s taking a half day from work to watch Twilight New Moon on opening day, so I’ll see this. One thing is for sure, the crowd will not be screaming themselves crazy every scene because, honestly, who gives a flying fuck about Quesadilla? Tortilla? Chicken Caesar Wrap? Pita? Oh wait, Peeta and then his 70’s back-up soul singer rival Gale. No one gives any fuck about those two. Everyone actually seems worried more about the visuals that the director will provide, which sounds like people may be interested in this movie being good. But who knows? The movie itself from the little the trailers have shown appears to be a kiddie version of The Running Man and/or Battle Royale and/or Death Race 2000. I like those combined storylines and I know I’m walking into a movie more focused on playing sci-fi dress-up than death games action spectacular. Either way, this movie cannot honestly be worse than Twilight or Gamer and I’m hoping it is not simply a combination of the two… oh God now I’m worried. Either way, I’ll get a solid 2 hours or 90 minutes of staring at this:

Jennifer Lawrence as main character Katniss, which is possibly the dumbest name for a character this side of Peeta.

Anyway… the movie is already breaking pre-sale records, so it certainly doesn’t need my approval.

The Raid

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FUCK YES! Everyone is talking about this movie being a non-stop wild, gritty, machine gun-athon in close quarters combat filled with blood and enough muzzle flashes to send you into a seizure. I’m fucking PSYCHED for this. I don’t really know what else to say besides I cannot wait to see this movie. The trailers are wild and everyone is so positive about it. I can’t wait.

The craziest thing is that Hollywood has already planned and put into motion remaking this movie. Yep. The movie hasn’t even come out yet and Hollywood is already going to remake it. This is why I hate Hollywood and hate people who defend Hollywood. Listen, I and other people would see The Raid if the thing was advertised, released and pushed like a regular movie, but it won’t be. They’ll bury it and the only people who will know about it will be the people who actually read about movies all the live long day and then a year or so from now Hollywood will push out its shitty remake of this with Channing Tatum and people will see that because there will be commercials, posters, TV commercials and so on, but it will suck and then Hollywood will be like – “See, that movie The Raid was anything special. Our remake did shit numbers!”

They should push this movie and have people this movie because it is the fucking movie and it is coming out next month.

Goon

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It total transparency… I’ve seen it… already.

Yep. It’s available online to download – just as Friends with Kids from yesterday’s post is as well – and I was really excited about seeing this movie, so I downloaded it and watched it and enjoyed it. Goon is good. It’s in some ways an homage to Slap Shot, which is an excellent movie, but is less focused on sex/gay jokes and more focused on the hockey fights. Sean William Scott plays a guy who is good at fighting who gets picked up by a local hockey team to be their “goon” who fights the guy that needs to be fought. Eventually, he gets picked up by an even bigger team and does the same over there. That league’s resident “goon” is played by Liev Schrieber and the two will inevitably have a showdown. In the mix is writer and actor Jay Baruchel who plays Scott’s best foul mouthed/motor mouthed friend. Also, Alison Pill plays Scott’s love interest. The movie is light and fun entertainment. It’s a quick movie with some action, some funny dialogue, and, obviously, if you’re a hockey fan/sports fan there is a lot for you to like in here as well.

My complaints as far as the film goes:

1. More Jay Baruchel. He’s got all the best lines in the movie and he should have had even more.

2. The relationship between Scott and the best player on his team should have had more screen time. The best player on the team is a head case after being wrecked by Liev before the movie starts. Him and Scott eventually become friendly, but there were some missed opportunities between the two I thought. Also, Baruchel could’ve been funny in that. I really wanted a scene where Baruchel and Scott rekindle this guy’s love for hockey.

3. Alison Pill naked and/or like almost naked. I don’t know if that was an option per say, but if we’re talking about hopes for any R rated movie then it is the hot love interest to get naked. Why not? Plus, Baruchel and Pill got engaged last year – well done, Baruchel, well fucking done, sir – and this is his first feature length movie that he’s written that will be on the big screen, so why not help your fiancee out and show the world some boob or butt to get some buzz going about the movie.

Either way, I enjoyed it. Good flick.

Mirror Mirror

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Your eyes are not deceiving you – that is in another language other than the one I’m typing in. But this is the poster I wanted in particular because holy fucking eyebrows. I don’t know what is going on in director Tarsem Singh’s mind (my guess – torture porn), but he wanted Lily Collins with darkest and most pronounced eyebrows since Madonna’s early work in Who’s That Girl (great movie). In some pictures I’ve seen from this movie, it appears that Lily almost has a unibrow. Either way… don’t see this movie. It looks fucking unwatchable. Nothing against the attractiveness of Lily Collins, but this movie looks fucking horrible. I’m pretty sure they started principal photography on this movie a week ago and now it is already in theaters. Any rush jobs on movies are horrible and then a rush job on Snow White and a rush job on a kiddy version of Snow White done by a director best known for making torture porn with a rickety plot. This cannot be good.

Wrath of the Titans

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I saw the Clash of the Titans remake and it sucked. Will I see Wrath of the Titans? Maybe. I get bored and I’m drunk a lot. The Clash of the Titans remake was destined to fail because it was both not enough like the original and too much like the original for it to be any good. The original is only good because of how bad it is. That’s the problem with these remakes is people don’t get that people like them because they’re bad and you can’t go and make a bad movie and make people like it. The original Clash of the Titans is beloved because it’s terrible, but they thought and tried to make an excellent epic movie. The movie makes absolutely no sense, has horrible special effects, and there is no clashing of any titans in the movie. So, you can’t “remake” that original brilliance and at the same time try to make it a new “gritty” action movie with a short haired Beowulf type.

As for Wrath of the Titans, there is the possibility it will be better because it’s not hindered by trying to be something it will never be. At the same time, it is too much like something else and will never be that either – God of War. The famous videogame series God of War has an eerily similar storyline where the guy actually goes and fights to the death with Gods and titans alike. The great thing about God of War is too fold – VIOLENCE and SEX. The game is over flowing with both and makes no apologies and only pushes the ridiculousness with each additional minute you play. A lot of people have been saying this movie looks like what a God of War movie would be if Hollywood didn’t fuck up and not make a God of War movie, but the big problem is that this isn’t God of War -it’s just some thing that kind looks like it. A God of War movie wouldn’t be fronted by a completely forgettable character like Sam Worthington’s Perseus. God of War is lead by the blood thirsty Kratos who wields two enormous knives attached to chains that are attached to him. The great part about God of War is that Kratos doesn’t trust anyone and in the end will simply attack anyone God/human/titan and keep attacking them until he has murdered them with his fists. Also, he ends up fucking a bunch of naked chicks all the time. The sheer unapologetic craziness of God of War will not be in Wrath of the Titans. If anything Wrath will be a neutered, much neutered, version of God of War, which will just piss me off.

Like I said, I get bored and I see things. I bet it’s not nearly as “good” as Tarsem Singh’s Immortals, which is now available to rent. I’ll tell you one thing about Immortals – memorable.

That’s it for March.

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HAPPY FUCKING TUESDAY!!!!!!

Let’s get today’s topic out of the wiz-way, I will begin the long (2 day) arduous process of detailing and make bold biased predictions about movies that I just found out about minutes earlier … aka … MARCH MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!!!!

Yes! Yes. yes. March is quickly almost fastly approaching and will arrive on Thursday as tomorrow is a LEAP YEAR DAY. WOOOO!!!! FUCK YOU, MARCH! WE STILL GOT ONE MORE FUCKING DAY IN FEBRUARY!!!! I wish there were some special rules that we got to play with on February 29th because it only happens once every 4 years. Like you get to slap 4 people on their ass. Just 4 ass slaps without any repercussions. Hmmm… or you get to commit 4 minor crimes on that one day. However you want to mix and match- you can pee in public, steal anything under $10, speed 15 mph over the speed limit, park for four hours in a 2 hour spot, and some other small time criminal activity. You get a punch ticket and show it to the arresting office (if you get caught) and they will punch your ticket and you get 4 gimmes. You could spend it all on peeing in public if you like or whatever. NO LITTERING! No littering. Fucking throw that shit in the garbage, you filthy savage. This is the environment we are talking about here! Mother Earth cannot digest plastic or Styrofoam. She can digest my piss though. That’s all natural. I mean that’s good to go. But a tin foil wrap around you bacon double cheeseburger is going to kill us all! Anyway… that’s what I think should happen tomorrow… ass slapping and petty crime sprees…. woo!

MARCH (MOVIE) MADNESS!!!!!

….

Being Flynn

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Are our eyes deceiving us? Bobby D and Pauly D in the same movie D?! Yes, Robert De Niro, Paul Dano, plus Julianne Moore and Olivia Thirlby are in this movie. I had not heard a single word about this movie until a few minutes ago when I started organizing this list and then found a movie review for it on the same damn website. And! The movie review is positive! Not for AIDs, but for goodness. The movie itself is based on a book that is a memoir from the main character. Anyway, the director of the movie is Paul Weitz who made movies like In Good Company and About a Boy – both quite good. A good cast, a good director, a trying personal memoir as the backbone, and, apparently, Badly Drawn Boy producing the soundtrack? Sounds promising. The story itself is about Dano dealing with his mother’s death, his own wayward life, helping his lady Thirlby work with homeless people, his dad becoming homeless and helping him, and so on and depressing, but could be a really good movie. Lord only knows about how widely this will be distributed, but if there is an actual first GOOD movie of the year – Being Flynn could be it.

Also, for all the Olivia Thirlby fanclub members (myself included), this seems a lot more promising of a movie going experience than the Judge Dredd reboot she is apart of later in the year. Just taking a big ole’ guess on that one.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

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Whatever. If you’re a man and let loose your seed into a woman’s vagina, which gestated into a human being after 9 months and, now, that human is between the ages of 0-10 then you should probably see this movie. If you’re a woman who let seed a man deposit his seed inside your unprotected vagina and are not taking any birth control then the above applies to you as well. If you’re a man or a woman who went through the process of adopting a baby or paying for a surrogate or just found a baby left in a changing room at a Wal-Mart and are preparing to raise that child and it is between the ages of 0-10 then you should also see this movie. Lastly, if you’re high on drugs and want to see cartoons in the theaters and have them in 3D then you should see this movie. Honestly, the rest of us not being hindered by mini-clones of ourselves or drugs can probably skip it.

Project X

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Cloverfield meets Superbad or at least that’s what they want you to think. I did really enjoy Chronicle, which is all shaky handicam footage, but outside of that I have not enjoyed this odd genre of filmmaking and really don’t want to continue watching it. Project X centers around a trio of male minors who are seemingly pretty loser-like who decide to throw the biggest party ever and film it while their parents are away. I probably would have liked this idea if I wasn’t 28 going on 29 and have a fully functional hatred for youth. It’s really kids in middle school and high school that I kind of want to catch with straight right to their face. My knuckles to the bridge of their nose. It’s a wake-up and get a fucking life punch because now closing in on the period of my life where I will be twice those kids’ ages I’m realizing how fucking pathetic their realization that authority sucks and how fun being rebellious is. I might be too hard on these kids, but if a fucking 8th grade to 11th grade kid said something smartassy to me – I would absolutely lose it on them.

Also, I hate this it’s like Superbad selling point. Did they see Superbad? That movie was damn funny and not just about a dwarf for some reason being high on angel dust in an oven. Project X is a Michael Bay approach to comedy with trees being set on fire and so forth. It doesn’t look witty with the dialogue or anything. Also, as it should be – the movie appears to be about these idiots trying to get laid. I’m not sure what depth in characters there will be for the females, but I thought Superbad did a pretty good job with their two females making them a little more than eye candy and having stories to back-up their motives. Although, it is still ridiculous to think that Emma Stone was into Jonah Hill for any reason. I think Project X won’t be anything like Superbad other than young males are trying to party.

Should you see it? Probably not. Will I see it? Probably not. But who knows. I could end up seeing this. I mean I did just seeThis Means War, so I’m willing to see just about anything. At the very least, it could give me even more fodder to unleash on the unlucky barely pubescent male that I encounter one day and completely up-end his world.

Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

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I want to see this. I do. Now, should you want to see this? I’m not sure. It really comes down to one simple question with an even simpler follow-up question…

Do you know who “Tim & Eric” are? If your answer is “yes”, do you think they are funny?

If you answered “no” for either question then you shouldn’t see this movie. Unless you can answer “yes” for both questions then you shouldn’t see this movie. If you can answer “yes” for both questions then SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE! That’s as easy as it gets folks. The creative force of Tim & Eric are not creating a comedic tale for everyone – their comedy lives and stays in a world where the people who like them like them and the people who don’t like them will never understand why people like them. I guess you could say that about most comedians, but let’s just say Tim & Eric are pretty “out there”. If you are curious about this movie then go look up on the interwebz about these men. They have television shows, short videos, and other things for you to peruse to help you answer those two above questions. If you feel like jumping in head first and seeing this movie without knowing who either of these guys are or what their comedy is like then do it. What do I care? But like I said it’s an acquired taste and it’s not for everyone and I’m just giving you a heads up before you decide to spend $10 on a movie you know nothing about.

Needless to say, the movie should be absolutely ridiculous.

A Thousand Words

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This man will not give up. I love it. Oh, you hated every family comedy I have made for at least the past 10 years? Well, guess the fuck what, I DON’T CARE! Here’s another family comedy featuring yours truly for you to not like. Suck on that, motherfuckers. That’s what I imagine Eddie Murphy thinks when making these movies. He also thinks “cha-ching” because Eddie is getting paid, son! The premise for the movie is sort of like Liar, Liar where a swarmy slick talking white collar type has a mystical spell placed on him and now has to learn a wild life lesson because of it. In this movie, Murphy is hit with some magic that only allows him to speak 1000 words and when those 1000 words are up – he’s dead. So, that’s funny, right? Of course, this means Murphy will engage in some odd behavior to communicate with people without talking and that will lead to … what will that lead to? Class, anyone want to venture a guess what that will lead to? Ok, let’s say it together…

HIJINX!

Yes, hijinx. Yes the good ole’ high jinks will ensue. You’re not seeing this movie, so whatever.

Friends with Kids

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This movie should’ve been called “Fuckable White People”. There are a lot of fuckable white people in this movie – a lot of them. As you can see Maya Rudolph – totally fuckable – is in this movie. She’s half white, half black or whatever, but I’m just going to lump her in with the rest of these lily white assed fuckable people who are in this movie. So we’ve got – Adam Scott, Jennifer Westfeldt, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Chris O’Dowd, Megan Fox, Edward Burns. Those are some fuckable people. Like real fuckable. Each and everyone of them you would be pretty proud to be fucking. The men and the women – attractive, funny, talented, seemingly well-groomed, and 7 out of the 8 are very topical fucks (sorry Ed Burns). There would be no regret in your voice when telling people you were up to fucking anyone of these people. Whether it is a one night stand or a week long thing or one of those when they’re in town they’re inside me things… it seems like it would be a great time. This movie is a bisexuals wet dream. A bisexual who wants to fuck white people of course.

As for the movie, it’s whatever. I mean it’s a typical comedy with these couples struggling to be parents and still be young and whatever. I saw the first 10 – 20 minutes and wasn’t in love with it, but wasn’t offended by it. Most likely because I am open to fucking white people and where ever the camera pans to there is a fuckable white person talking.

John Carter

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Ugh. This looks terrible. I’m not seeing it. I guess I have a couple questions for you… Did you see Prince of Persia? Did you enjoy it? If you answered yes to these then you may have some brain damage or you are really good at focusing in on the shirtless 20 year old running around and imaging them showering with you instead of whatever they’re doing on screen. If you want Taylor Kitsch to be inside of you and you don’t mind watching him in another terrible movie then go see this. If you do care about movies being good then don’t see this movie. It looks like utter fucking garbage.

The movie itself is based on some arcane book series that focuses on this John Carter of Mars character and they stupidly won’t call the movie that. You see in the corner of the poster it has the JCM, but there is no M in the title because they changed it to just John Carter. Either way, the movie looks awful, but at least John Carter of Mars is a good title.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

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Hey chicks, does this sound like something you would like?

From the director of “Chocolat” and the Oscar-winning screenwriter of “Slumdog Millionaire” comes the inspirational comedy “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.” When Britain’s leading fisheries expert (Ewan McGregor) is approached by a consultant (Emily Blunt) to help realize a sheikh’s (Amr Waked) vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert, he immediately thinks the project is both absurd and unachievable. But when the Prime Minister’s overzealous press secretary (Kristin Scott Thomas) latches on to it as a “good will” story, this unlikely team will put it all on the line and embark on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible, possible.

Good God does that sound fucking unwatchable or what? Chicks, what in the fuck movies are they making for you to see?

Literally, any straight male checked out after the first five words “from the director of ‘Chocolat'”. SKIIIIIIIIIP! I’m not even sure gay men watch this stuff. They probably do. On some dinner date with a straight woman.

Silent House

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Elizabeth Olsen is a national treasure, but I doubt I’ll see this movie. If you like thriller/horror movies then see it. The gimmick of the movie is that the movie is in real-time from when Olsen starts being tracked by a murderer or a murderer who is a ghost or whatever until whatever the conclusion is. It’s also “inspired by true events”, which I guess means “white girls have been targeted for murder in houses before and this is the inspiration of said movie”.

So, if you want to see Elizabeth Olsen running around some brokedown house and screaming her head off because someone is chasing her to cut her head off then see this movie. If not, then don’t. I would recommend seeing Martha Marcy May Marlene to get your Elizabeth Olsen fill regardless of you seeingSilent House or not.

That’s the first half of MARCH!

Till next time.

Happy Monday!

Wooooooo!!!! Nothing is better than a Monday. A new week of work or pretending like you work or feeling shitty about yourself because you don’t work or really just another week of spinning around on this rock in space and worrying if Robert Griffin III will get drafted first in the NFL because he ran a sub 4.4 40 yard dash. It’s just all so overwhelming at times and when it is overwhelming I’ll think about such historic events as the annual Oscars, which is one of 657,849,032,141,234 events in which something that doesn’t deserve notoriety or an award wins or has the chance to win a bunch of them, but the Oscars are a little different because the 1% attending it dress their fanciest. Wooooo!!!!

Also, I saw this picture over the weekend…

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I have no idea what this picture is from, but it has brought some minor joy in my life.

First and foremost, I’m guessing this is from a movie. Is it? Is this a screenshot of a movie? The only reason I think it isn’t from a movie is that everyone in the picture including Fake Edward Cullen looks way too normal. Like really normal normal. I’ve seen some trailers and posters and such for some of British Bobbie Boy’s movies and he never looks normal in them. Never. He’s either in a period piece or looks like he is on his period. Every still shot I saw for Remember Me was Rob about to cry, crying, or in the process of calming down from crying, which in the grand scheme of things was the preface before another cry. Back to my original thought, I think this is from a movie because he’s an actor, but I’m really hoping this is from real life.

Why do I want this to be from real life so bad? In my mind, this girl is flipping off Rob because she’s crazy and thinks if she flips off him she’s flipping off his character from the Twilight books. That would be super funny to me. And, in all honesty, I don’t think she’s far off from the truth. He’s not a vampire, but outside of that – he’s kind of Ed. To the people who are infatuated with these books and these movies, who have bought hook, line, and sinker that he is the physical embodiment of the character – that’s about 90% of the equation right there. The other 10% is the emotional abuse that Ed puts these readers/movie goers through as Rob is always there, but never really there for them. Plus, in the end, he chose Kristen Stewart/Bella over them the reader/Bella like he was supposed to. Or she could be flipping him off because she is one of the book lovers, but movie haters because the movies are God awful pieces of shit and she hates him for being apart of making these horrible movies. Or she could be just some chick who knows way too much about both the movies and the books and not being a fan of either and is just sickened by her gender’s psychosomatic crush on this rando that she felt the need to give him the ole’ sign language “go fuck yourself”.

So, in her head, she’s flipping off that jackass for anyone of those reasons and it makes me happy.

Oh right?

OSCARS’ RED CARPET!!!!

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I don’t recognize the hair, but I would recognize those boobs and shapely arms anywhere – Viola Davis. I think the only movie I have seen Viola in is Doubt and in Doubt she plays a mother of a gillion years old in one scene against Meryl Streep who plays a nun of a quad-giilion-double-dragon-million years old. Needless to say, I was shocked the first time I saw Viola out and about and she’s got a rack on her that no doubt is so powerful it must rip through 2 pairs of t-shirts a week and has a set of guns on her that would easily beat me in an arm-wrestling contest (I would also be really distracted by her boobs if we arm-wrestled… the only way I would have a fighting chance is if we competed blind folded or if we each stuck our arms through glory holes and met our hands in the middle and could not see one another because of that… that would be the only way it would be close to fair). I’m not sure what movies are being made or up for grabs or what movie at all this is applicable to – but if someone out there doesn’t put this woman in a cleavage spandex/latex suit as a superhero or alien with super powers or an angelic creature that has to fight a demon horde or something then you’re seriously wasting natural talents – talents of nature!

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On the left is Sandra Bullock’s face and, on the right, is Sandra Bullock’s butt.

Thank you, Sandra.

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FUCK! I bet her weasily piano playing husband just sat at home jerking it to still photos of Tina at the Oscars. I imagine their relationship more like Dracula and Igor than husband and wife. Her nearly floating around their house/chateau/rented apartment in shoulderless dresses with cleavage pouring out for miles, while he scurries around like an orangutang in a diaper and an oversized work shirt spewing his bodily fluids of lust into the corners of each room she is in and then once every two hours she yells, “Dance, monkey!” and he quickly runs to the piano to play some ragtime on the ivories while she has phone sex with the sexiest Latino actors from Telemundo.

Too much.

Either way, I don’t know who the one person out there is that’s not buying that Tina is crazy attractive – but will they finally buy into it, so we can move on with Tina writing some comedy that isn’t a lie like “I don’t know why no guys want me, I guess I’ll just eat crackers. Zing!” You’re hot. Get over it.

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I already wanted to hug Christopher Plummer and rub my face on his shoulder while I did it, but if he was wearing that jacket at the time of that happening then they would need the jaws of life to extract me from him/the jacket. It looks so soft and hugglable… the jacket… and Christopher Plummer. I bet he smells like my balls on their best day – a natural musk, an unnatural sweetness like Splenda, a little sweat, dry skin, Irish Spring soap, bourbon, and fresh leather.

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Penelope Ann Miller? I guess it really isn’t that difficult to go to the Oscars. Is there just a form you fill out online? An application process? Am willing to act like these movies were really great and excited that these people are deserving of more accolades? Things I know of Penelope Ann Miller was crazy hot for a period of time, still looking good, John Leguizamo said she was the biggest bitch, I believe John isn’t too far off, in some good movies.

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MILLA! A little more relevant than Penelope, but I’m not too sure why Milla is there either. Nothing against her as an actress or being drop dead beautiful for all of her life, but she did marry one of the worst directors in the history of directing Paul W.S. Anderson, so fuck her for that. Fuck her for letting him have access to her naked body. That just seems like a treason against humanity that he was gifted that in life as well as a very financially successful career in filmmaking in which he has only made shitty movies.

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Why not? I love it. Ellie Kemper is excellent. Looking really good too. Her dress makes me want to have sex with a pile of leaves that Ellie Kemper is in.

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Oh no, Jean dujardindepardeaurobertobenigni won the Oscar. What will George Clooney ever do?

I don’t know. Maybe go home and have amazing sex with Stacy Keibler for however long he feels like in one of his many mansions! I’m pretty sure he’ll get over it.

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Am I supposed to know who this is? She looks adorable though. Was she part of the gift bags or something? You may have not won an Oscar, but will give you this parting gift of an expensive watch, some top of the line lotions, a bottle of Johnny Walker blue label, and the cutest Asian girl we could find.

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Are you telling me that the guy who has made his career on doing whacky shit in public did something whacky on the red carpet while dressed in character for his upcoming feature film? How unexpected and hilarious!

I love Sacha, but who give a fuck. Apparently, everyone watching, but me. I wasn’t watching, so I guess I don’t count anyway.

Two lovely ladies with him… even though his wife is even more lovely. I think the greatest prank he could pull is just showing time and time again that he is fucking Isla Fisher and make everyone furious about that. Yes, my career is playing one of three racist/ignorant jackasses and yes I have this sexy minx as my wife. Better than spilling sand and baby powder or whatever that was on Ryan Seacrest.

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I wonder what lucky man got to go home with that thigh. Oh right, Brad Pit. I did see the clip of Dean Pelton and that other comedic character actor make fun of Angelina Jolie for standing the way she did. I’m glad she did it. For a minute there, I forgot that she’s a sex monster and her flashing her thighs, having her hair teased out like she had sex in the limo, and her boobs peaking out reminded me.

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That’s Jason Segel. What’s up?

I just wanted to point out how stupid bow ties are. I’ve worn a bow tie a few times over the past few years, and even learned how to tie them and everything. At no point did I gain an appreciation for bow ties. I think they’re stupid, look stupid, and should be treated as such and never worn unless making fun of how stupid bow ties are. If you’re wearing a bow tie – at best you look like a chippendale dancer and at worst or almost always you look like a jackass. If you’re a black guy then you also could look like a stripper, a jackass, or a Farrakhan muslim. Great options.

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This photo made me so fucking happy. It confirmed what I had been thinking all along – Louis Gossett Jr. is a jedi knight! WOOOOO!!!! I told you, Mom and Dad! I told you! IRON EAGLE FOREVER!!!!!

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The woman on the right is Natalie “the love of every sane man’s life who is within the ages of 23 – 35” Portman and on the right is OUR SWORN ENEMY!!!!!

It’s probably part dress, part her having a kid and her boobs filled with life enriching milk, but Natalie’s got some boobs for the first time and she looks amazing as always now with bigger boobs.

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Is John Corbett fucking Bo Derek?

Is John Corbett now on my list of men I think are the greatest men on Earth?

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Hey girl. Not sure why Cameron Diaz is at this awards show. Did Bad Teacher get nominated? She looks good or at least looks a lot better than the last time we saw at a club being yelled at by P. Diddy… oh wait… I think I saw a picture of him in this gallery. So, why is he at the Oscars? Did he buy the ticket off of the kid fromHugo?

Either way, look past Cameron to your left as you are looking at this. There are these two blonds back there and the one on the left looks like she’s making pig noises and the one on the right thinks she’s famous. So cute.

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Looking good J. Lo. I heard she was feeling good too and let a nipple pop out on stage to make that perfectly clear to everyone. I hope that happened. Either way, no idea why she is at this awards show.

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I hate these tissue paper or whatever that is dresses, but from the waist up Kristen Wiig is looking good – real good. I hope she got some sex last night with two people – mff or mfm. I don’t care, but she’s looking so good she shouldn’t waste it just on one person.

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Dear Kate Mara,

You are beautiful. You have big beautiful breasts as well. Please stand like that.

Sincerely,

Professor JB Money Cakes aka Jordan Newmark

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Yes. I think this is the best Rooney has looked at any of the award shows I have seen red carpets for, which has been a shit ton. She looks like she should’ve been in The Artist in this outfit. Like the classiest prostitute I could have bought to go to a prohibition era ball hosted by some Italian mobster. That’s a good look for her. I like it.

Also, perpetual “hot mess” Meryl Streep was given an Oscar for no apparent reason instead of Rooney. Sorry Rooney. You live in a world where people just cannot stop giving awards to Meryl Streep for whatever she does. I’m pretty sure Rooney was nominated, but she should’ve won or Charlize or someone not named Meryl Streep.

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If he doesn’t play a serial killer in a movie soon then he will probably become a real serial killer in life. I haven’t seen a single picture of Jonah Hill at one of these awards shows where my immediate thought isn’t “there are dead girls in shallow graves in his backyard”. If he doesn’t remind you of Norman Bates in this picture then you don’t know who Norman Bates is.

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Best picture!

I read that Bret won and that’s cool. I’m glad for him. He is a talented and funny man and wish him the best in all his endeavors.

I’m not saying a bad word about this man if that’s what you want. How dare you.

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I never noticed that Maya Rudolph had a set of bazookas on her until I saw Idiocracy. I watched Saturday Night Live pretty regularly and never noticed that. I always thought she was talented and such, which is cool. But then she plays a prostitute in Idiocracy and she’s wearing all these slutty clothes and I was like Paul Thomas Anderson is a damn genius! I thought he was one before, but he became a double genius at that point. Look at them! Breathtaking. Exquisite. Well done. Congratulations and all that. Also, I’m glad Up All Night is on Thursdays at 9:30. I kept forgetting to watch it on Wednesdays and the show is pretty good. More often than not it is good. Love her and Jason Lee as a couple on the show too.

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I’ve talked a lot about this lady on this website already, so I’ll just keep it to – if I gave a flying fuck about the Oscars then I would be pissed that Shailene wasn’t nominated for best supporting actress. Never heard of the chick before that movie and she is there doing just as good of a job next to George Clooney is doing. Couldn’t ask for too much more than that. Oh yeah, she’s in a string bikini while it is all happening. Thank you, Alexander Payne.

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Jessica Chastain is a damn ANGEL. A gorgeous red headed and milky white skinned ANGEL. A truly beautiful and tiny pink nippled ANGEL. You can find pictures on the interwebs – just google ’em.

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I’ve seen on a few websites saying that Melissa McCarthy was on their worst dressed celeb lists from the Oscars.

And those people can go fuck themselves or die in a house fire or something.

I don’t see any problem with what Melissa McCarthy is wearing.

I mean she could show off more boob, but that’s my suggestion for all the ladies … and men at these things. They’re all just pieces of meat for us to gawk over. They should all be naked and the event should be kept indoors in a temperature controlled climate.

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Seriously? Was Caroline in the City nominated for something? If the Oscars provides any service for the common man it is reminding who is and isn’t dead. They have the red carpet filled with celebrities you may have thought passed long ago like James Earl Jones, but didn’t and then there is the “in memoriam” segment that assures you that some of these people you thought died did actually die and you shouldn’t expect a completely original cast intact remake of Sleepy Hollow.

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It’s nice to see Kate Middleton showed up to put the royal family’s stamp of approval on the Oscars.

What’s that?

That’s not her?

Oh. Well, that bitch is fine anyway.

That’s the END!

Happy Monday.

Happy Friday!

I hope you had a wonderful week of … something. What did you have this week? Either way, I hope it was good. Like when you get up to a parking meter and you only have two nickels and you’re bargaining with yourself whether going into that convenience store and actually conversing with the cashier or figuring out with simple math how much change you’ll get back from a nominal purchase will be worth the effort against not putting any money into the meter and chancing a $30 parking ticket, but as you approach the meter it reads 1 hour and 47 minutes as if the person who disappeared without a trace just walked out of a secret showing of Doctor Zhivagohalf way thru because they don’t really appreciate fine filmmaking and instead just wants to see Julia Roberts solve her problems with foreign food and stretching, but this is a boon for you because now you can use that idiot’s meter time and no one will tell a soul.

So, that good? Because that’s good. That’s like a mini-miracle good. That’s like one of those stories you think are “funny” and you tell other people and if they do laugh then you know they’re being insincere and just laughing at whatever you have to say to make you drop your guard and later steal something from you like your kidneys because it’s not a “funny” story and is more of a story of good fortune for you that should be taken to your grave with you.

Either way, happy Friday!

I don’t think anything news wise has really caught my attention between last night and today. I do know that the NBA All-Star game aka Black Thanksgiving – it’s ok to laugh because it’s true and a black initially wrote it – is this weekend and I have little to no intention on watching it. I do plan on watching the UFC this weekend as JERSEY’S OWN Frankie “The Answer” Edgar will defend his UFC lightweight (155 pounds) championship against Benson Henderson in … JAPAN! Saitama, Japan! I couldn’t be more excited to watch those fights. As for Sunday night, well, there are the Oscars and I have zero intentions on watching those either. Billy Crystal? Almost no nominations I agree with? What’s the fucking point? I’ll probably do a Oscar red carpet recap on Monday though or who knows with me.

But today is today and I need something to be done for today and thankful a man, myth, legend, and less than mediocre actor VIN “MOTHERFUCKING” DIESEL has a Facebook group – Vinbook – that is ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

The gallery of pictures that I stole these from is right about here – http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2012/02/vin-diesel-would-like-to-motivate-you-on-facebook/#page/1

Here are some of my favorites…

I’m already both creeped the fuck out and positively titillated about the possibilities.

The internet is crazy. People who love Vin Diesel are crazy. Crazy x Crazy = MY HAPPINESS!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU, JESUS errr VIN DIESEL! VIN DIESELUS!

Seriously, the second picture is already talking about angels – where on Earth could they go to next when their craziness is already knocking on the gates in Heaven?!

FUCK YEAH, VIN DIESEL! FUCK FUCKING YEAH!

I can’t stop smiling looking at this damn picture. You son-of-a-gun Vin Diesel. You have an infectious smile.

I hope you always have a reason to smile as well… I’m talking to you the commentators/readers… Vin’s always got a reason to smile because he’s filthy rich.

With… out… words.

I don’t know why, but at first I thought those hands were just hands doing like hand origami and that the “salaried jobs” really just said “hand jobs” and I was like my brain is seriously fucked up. Either way, I think this is supposed to be a loving tribute to mothers, but all I can think of is Vin Diesel showing up to each and every place of residence on Mother’s Day and putting the wood to any mothers that reside inside like a literal motherfucking Santa Claus.

That still warms my heart for some reason.

This is the scariest fucking thing I have ever seen. I have no idea what any of this is or what that quote is really supposed to mean in this context, but all it says to me is that if you fuck with Vin Diesel or his facebook group then his followers will come burn your fucking house down. That’s what that says to me.

Vin’s got that I just want to look at you naked in complete silence, which is supposed to be sexy I suppose, but would really only make me feel like I was Dexter’s next victim.

30 Million… as in fans on Facebook. You got that right. Now are you more or less worried about the future of mankind?

Awwwww… Vin Diesel touching his ghost pony. Yeeeeeeeeeeep.

I think I’m falling in love with Vin Diesel.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Happy Thursday!

Is it Thursday? Yeah, I think so. Last night was a hilarious episode of Happy Endings, a decently funny episode of Modern Family, and my guilty pleasure that I do not feel guilty about at all – Suburgatory. I hope I’m spelling that right. First off, any episode of any television show that revolves around doing the Dougie is good in my book – my book of Dougie based episodes of television shows. Actually, they show is good if you’re not watching it. Sisto and Tudyk are great best/worst friends, Cheryl Hines is excellent as a Real Housewives of Blah Blah Blah, and the kid actors have really stepped up their game. Also, the SNL alums of Ana Gasteyer and Chris Parnell potentially steal a scene(s) every episode. Modern Family was better than usual I thought. Last week’s was too much like an ABC Family television show. They get too wholesome every few episodes. I’m not watching episodic television for wholesome and/or moral lessons. Leave that to re-runs of 7th Heaven that’s the name of that show, right? The rip off of Party of Five, but if everything was normal and fine? Happy Endings was the best, naturally, and Max as Winnie the Pooh was the funniest thing I have seen this week. Currently, my beard is getting a little out of control in the Max as a bear kind of way. Either way… I wanted to say something today that was of more importance that simply giving a brief overview of ABC’s Wednesday night comedic schedule… what was it? Oh right…

FUCK YOU, NASA!!!!!!

That’s fucking right, you fucking fucks! I hope you get STDs, plural, in your sex holes!

If you’re wondering where this anger is all coming from…

http://news.yahoo.com/marsquake-may-shaken-red-planet-113809835.html

BOOM! Fucking “Marsquake”?! Fucking Marsquake! It can’t be an “Earth”-quake, it’s gotta be a “Mars”-quake!

I’m not pissed at NASA because there are some rumblings on the surface of Mars. No! I’m mad because the fucking Mars Rover from 2004 is still working or at least was working in November 2011. STILL WORKING! WHAT THE FUCK?!

First off… who would’ve guessed that thing was still up there? And was still doing a job? Is the Mars Rover the only thing from the Bush Administration that is still gainfully employed by the US government?! ZING! But I digress…

Second off… how in the SAM FUCK is it still running? HOW?! 8 YEARS… EIGHT YEARS… EIGHT YEARS LATER!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!

A battery? Is it a battery? I doubt there is an electrical socket the good ole’ Mars Rover is plugged into. And as far as I know we don’t make jaunts over to MARS to switch out its battery for a new one. So your fucking telling me that there is a battery in that fucking satellite dish attached to a conveyer belt that is still ticking away EIGHT YEARS LATER while surviving the MARS WEATHER?! WHY ISN’T THAT FUCKING BATTERY IN EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF ELECTRONICS I FUCKING OWN YOU FUCKING FUCKS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It’s also from 2000 and fucking 4! 2004! It is 8 years later and if my iPhone is even on the same table as a glass of water it starts to have a panic attack. If I take my iPhone literally outdoors and it is hot outside the damn thing will overheat. But there is a battery from 2004 sitting on the fucking surface of MARS for the past 8 YEARS and it is ticking away all fine and dandy?!

And the damn satellite reception not only worked then back in 2004, but it is still working now in 2012?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Sure, I can check out wikipedia on my cell phone now, but reception wise my cell phone is no better than it was back in 2001 let alone 2004 let alone 2011! The fuck, NASA? I get dropped motherfucking calls in my damn living room let alone of motherfucking MARS!

Back to the battery… are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! Is that fucking battery that powers a damn rover on MARS in any of these damn electric cars out there? I know I know little to nothing about any of this, but you have got to be fucking kidding me that a damn rechargable battery that works on MARS and has been for 8 years and all that nonsense wouldn’t help out running a fucking Nissan Pathfinder for me in Jersey. Oh does it charge up on solar panels? Well put some fucking solar panels on my fucking car you fuck! MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN! I’m going to be paying $5.00 a gallon for gas this Summer and the fucking IRAQ WAR IS OVER, YOU STUPID FUCKS! Did you read that right? Yeah, gas is going up. It already is up. Why? Why?! BECAUSE THEY ARE GREEDY FUCKS! They said it was “because” of the Iraq war and some such lying shit, but that wasn’t the reason. They just raise and lower the price as they see fit. So get me my fucking battery and put it in my car and let me drive around in placid New Jersey like a rover on damn MARS does with almost 10 year old technology.

Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe I’m fucking wrong that one has anything to do with the other.

Lastly, the big fucking question was answered or partially answered of whether or not there is “life” on Mars?

YEAH, THERE IS LIFE ON MARS!

I, again, might not know what I’m talking about, but I’ll tell you this – if we’re looking for cellular life – like a damn rudimentary amoeba on a planet that is 35 million miles away then I’m saying SAFE FUCKING BET… there is life on that damn planet. Is that fucking it? Then let’s just say fucking – YES already.

Are you going to find “life” as in a dude named Steve who is an account manager for a mid-size social media marketing company who plays squash on weekends and his favorite band currently isFoster the People? THEN FUCKING NO!!!!!!

There isn’t any STEVE walking around Mars with his iPod walking his Martian Labradoodle while drinking his mocha-frappa-chai-latte-of-fuck-yourself-just-drink-a-COFFEE-and-be-done-with-it. No that is not on Mars. But a damn amoeba? PROBABLY! IT IS PROBABLY UP THERE!

For fuck’s sakes it took us a decade to find Osama Bin Laden and he was in the country we thought he was in in a damn house 9 times the size of every other damn house in the damn country, meanwhile you think you’re going to find a speck of existence the fraction the size of a pinhead on a planet THAT WE DON’T EVEN FUCKING LIVE ON?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YES! JUST FUCKING SAY YES! WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Yeah, maybe an amoeba up there will mean something when it evolves into Steve in TWO BILLIONS YEARS or how ever long it fucking takes for those things to happen!

So… yeah.

Fuck you, NASA.

Make me a fucking car that works or a phone that works. Fuck you, fuck the rover, fuck a fucking quake on fucking planet that takes a fucking year to get to.

Dick bags.

I’m out. Aggressive Thursday.

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Ash Wednesday!

On this Hump Day, many will flock early in the morn to of church of some sort and have someone most likely dressed in flowing robes rub a black gritty paste on their forehead, right in the middle of it, in a + shape. That may sound silly, and it is. That may even look silly, and it does. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be one thing and one thing overall – SEXY! AM I FUCKING RIZZIGHT?!

Just because it’s silly doesn’t mean it can’t be something you want to have sex with or receive sex from. You got me? I’ve been reading on Twitter and I even posted something about this yesterday how you get to see your co-workers walking around with a smudge on their forehead and that’s hilarious, but when it comes down to it – if that special co-worker, that really special one that you want to bump your wet sex organs with in the copy room or even the one that you don’t necessarily “want to”, but would if given the chance because why the eff not, work is so boring and a hump or 12 on hump day would really spice up this boring week, came to work with the ashes on the forehead you would still do them. If you wouldn’t still do them in the Biblical sense then you need to be a lot more open-minded about religion. You are a religionist. That’s right, I said it.

To prove this, I went around the internet today and found some actual pictures – ones that I did not just save and then use mac’s shitty paint program to eff with – of some hot chicas who are out there today rocking their ashes and making it look sexy.

Of course, Kristen Stewart still wants IT with ashes on forehead. Of-fucking-course. She wanted those damn ashes. WANTED THEM! And wants IT with them.

Kristen Stewart even went parading around town to show off how sexy Ash Wednesday can be and a bunch of other hot celebs got in on the action as well.

Kelly Brook getting sexy with her ashes… and boobs.

Dita Von Teese showed off some pin-up model ash sexiness.

Kim Kardashian is rocking her ashes and a bikini. I don’t even know which she is rocking sexier!

Kate Upton wasn’t leaving the house and instead just lounged around with her sexy ashes and comically sized lollipop as her yearly Ash Wednesday ritual.

These three chicks just hanging out in their underwear and some ashes. Possibly foregoing breakfast to get those ashes. Possibly breakfast, the dinner before, maybe for the past 30 days. Lent should be pretty easy for these ladies. Nevertheless, sexy Ash Wednesday!

Some ladies were so proud of their ashes that they got them TWICE!

Christina Hendricks got the stereotypical ash on her forehead and then another one right over her enormous … heart. The heart. That ash is there for her heart. It just so happens her heart is in roughly the same place as her GIGANTIC BOOBIES! WOOOO!!! THOSE THINGS ARE AMAZING!!! PRAISE THE LORD!

But it wasn’t just Christina who got double ash crazy…

Coco! Seriously, if you wouldn’t bless that behind then you are not familiar with miracles because that booty is an act of GOD! The Lord Almighty allows that booty to exist. Divine creations, indeed. I’m feeling closer to God just looking at this. Don’t you?

And, of course, we have to end with one more…

Kristen Stewart wanting IT and Jimmy Kimmel may or may not be doing a Mr. Magoo impersonation. Who is to say?

So… hopefully this has changed your ENTIRE opinion on Ash Wednesday for I guess the better.

I feel like we did the Lord’s work today.

You’re welcome.

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