Ask Men’s TOP 99 WOMEN of 2012: A KSWI Deconstructive Opinion Piece part III

February 2, 2012

Happy Thursday!

FUCK THIS LIST IS FOREVER LONG!

Ok, let’s get to it…

#48 Candace Bailey

Hello there, Candace. Thank you for not dressing up… at all. We’ve found the ten people who watch Attack of the Show on a regular basis and they are the creators of this list. Candace is another AOTS femme fatale. Honestly, I’m not as familiar with Candace as I am with Olivia Munn or Sara Jean Underwood. Either way, she seems to fit the bill of the three needed requirements to be the female lead of AOTS: 1. HOT, 2. wholesome, 3. doesn’t look like she’s ever played a videogame in her life. I do like that Ask Men talks of her “wholesomeness” and says that even when she poses in just a bra and matching lingerie that it is “tongue-in-cheek”, where as I would say it is more “cock-in-hand” – good God look at her boobs! As mentioned, I’m not familiar with Candace, but she seems as “desirable” as Sara or Olivia. Hot chick who is charismatic on AOTS. But I literally didn’t know of her existence like 210 seconds ago.

#47 – Jennifer Lawrence

Holy Mahatma Gandhi – YES! Of course, Jennifer Lawrence. I saw Winter’s Bone, did you? Jennifer pulls a Charlize Theron and hides as much as she can how young and pretty she is by appearing as a hard living country woman. This particular country is the Ozarks in West Virginia I believe or something. She does a better than average job as Mystique in the X-Men First Class pelicula. She really didn’t have a whole lot to do in that movie, but she did get body painted naked and that was magnificent. Besides all that, Jen, is it okay if I call you Jen in text because I will only call you Jennifer with my audible words… Jen will play “Catness” in the Hungry Trials, which I believe is about eating contests that take place in the future in the woods and she uses a bow and arrow while two effeminate men fight over her – I believe that is all correct. Yes, Jennifer Lawrence, yes.

#46 – Nicole Scherzinger

Does she come with the rest of the Pussycat Dolls? That would be a definite yes. Nicole is a bi-racial angel who is absolutely sexy in all the visual aspects. Did she win Dancing with the Stars? I don’t watch the show because of my own inferior dancing abilities. She’s a pretty and pretty exotic lady, so sure. Desirable! I don’t really know what else to say. I did really like that one Pussycat Dolls song “I Hate This Part”, so that right there probably means Nicole and I are destined to procreate on a distant colonized planet.

#45 – Stacy Keibler

I think we all know my feelings on Stacy Keibler. I feel like I’ve been talking about her a lot recently. Probably because I have been. Between all these damn awards shows, I’ve definitely mentioned my affinity for pro-wrestling and the wonderful days of my youth scouring the internet for screen captures of Stacy as Miss Hancock back in good ol’ Dubya-See-Dubya. Most definitely a yes for Ms. Keibler. I do know that Stacy is from Baltimore (as am I) and she was a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader (as was I… I mean I’ve lead cheers for the Ravens when they played the Cowboys and Patriots and such). We’re pretty much better suited for each other than stupid George Clooney. Hey Clooney, why don’t you make a movie with a plot! That’s right, you can’t hear me because you’re at your mansion compound off the coast of Italy. … I hate you, Clooney. Ummm… right… Yes, most definitely, yes for Stacy Keibler and her 42 inch legs.

#44 – Krysten Ritter

Quite familiar with Ms. Ritter. You may remember Krysten as Jane from Breaking Bad – the troubled girlfriend of Aaron Paul’s character Jesse. She was also on Veronica Mars and on Gilmore Girls and a bunch of other TV shows and has a new TV show starting up this year on network TV called Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 which is certainly a provocative title. I doubt if I was making a list on my 99 most desirable women of 2012 that I would have thought to put Ritter on it, but she definitely is of the “desirable” quality. Very attractive and has done a good job in just about anything I’ve seen her in. She’s usually the sidekick to someone and not the main event, which hopefully will change one day for her. This is random, but she is in the movie She’s Out of My League as the sidekick to the main event of Alice Eve (definitely a yes and hopefully is somewhere on this list). In one scene in particular, Krysten is wearing the TIGHTEST PANTS IN THE HISTORY OF PANTS. It’s the scene where Jay Baruchel admits to Alice that he prematurely ejaculated into his own not nearly as tight pants moments before Alice’s parents walked in. I like this choice by Ask Men, not what I expected and I agree with it.

#43 – Liu Wen

If you like gorgeous Chinese women then sure. (Another Victoria’s Secret model I’ve never heard of, but is quite attractive and walks around catwalks in her underwear. Thank you, China. Thank you.)

#42 – Alyson Hannigan

Alyson’s got the Julie Bowen disease of looking better every year she gets older. It’s nuts – she’s turning 38 in less than two months. Meanwhile, American Pie came out in 1999 and she looks so much sexier now than she did back then. Back then she was a cute kid and by kid I mean mid-20’s who still looked like she was a teenager going through puberty. Somewhere in the middle to end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s tenure, the nerdy bookworm, Willow aka Alyson, was to many the hottest chick on the damn show. She’s also a funny lady and does a good job on How I Met Your Mother. I don’t know if the show has such a grueling schedule or it’s because she’s also being a mother, but I’ve always been surprised Alyson wasn’t in more movies. If I was the type of guy to make early bets on who will be a hot “50 over 60” (which I completely am, I do this all the time – Kate Beckinsale will be – she’s a year older than Alyson and looks better every year as well) then I would definitely place a large wager that Alyson Hannigan will be on that list in 2044 and I’m still posting on this stupid WordPress page. Definite yes for Alyson.

#41 – Amanda Seyfried

Yep. First, off all three of the “plastics” from Mean Girls would adorn a Top 99 list of mine if I were to make one. Lacey Chabret and Rachel McAdams are/have been/will continue to be celebrity crushes that I’ve harbored and have no problem continuing to harbor. As for Ms. Seyfried – I’m a fan. I watched Big Love… up until it became a Spanish telenovella and got way too ludicrous. I’ve watched several movies with her in it and even though her next movie Gone looks horrible – I like Seyfried as an actress in the same vein as Heather Graham – I can’t stop looking at them and I want it to never end. She’s sexy and you know how I know she’s sexy or at least sexy to me – I usually don’t look at those shitty paparazzi photos of celebs taking money out of ATMs, but last year there were countless near daily updates of Amanda in yoga pants, a sports bra, tank top, sun glasses and a hat walking her dog through the streets of LA and I was fascinated by each and every one of them. I would probably go see a Amanda Seyfried in The Dog Walker Adventures and they really wouldn’t have to be “adventures”. Just typical dog walking stuff. Agreed on this one again, Ask Men.

#40 – Brittney Palmer

Yes. Surprise surprise. I’m actually surprised to see Ms. Palmer on this list because I didn’t think she was that well-known. Brit, can I call you Brit?, is one of the other ring girls for the UFC. So the same applies to her as applied to Arianny before her. I would like to add a couple things to this – 1. Brit is supposedly nicer than Arianny and maybe that’s why she’s a solid 20 or so spots ahead of her on this list. 2. I highly doubt that Chandella Powell – the third ring girl of the UFC ring girls – is on this list because she’s just absurdly underrated. All three Chandella, Arianny, and Brittney are great looking and they work for the UFC, so they’re definitely a big “yes” from me. Arianny did Playboy last year… fingers crossed Brittney does it this year.

#39 – Beyonce

Fictional baby bump and possible surrogate mother usage aside… Beyonce is a yes. Of course, she’s a damn yes. It’s BEYONCE! I would totally yell “BEYONCE!” after her running out of a bar. I mean it is a fun name to say. Don’t you have fun saying “Beyonce”? I know I have a tough time not smiling every time I say Beyonce. And damn girl look at your thighs, hips and butt? Beyonce took whatever Tina Turner was supposed to do to us and blew that the fuck up. If Tina was making men drool then Beyonce had them cumming in their shoes. Also, at one time all 3 members of Destiny’s Child would be on this list for me. Not that Kelly Rowland or Michelle Williams have gotten less attractive (well, I don’t know what MW looks like today, but she used to be sexy – Kelly is looking crazy good nowadays) but they’re off my radar for the most part. Kelly did reclaim some of her celebrity last year with some almost completely nude pictures, a new album, and a single that I remember was pretty scandalous sounding, but I can’t remember what it was now. Either way, yes on Beyonce and yes on me raising her and Jay Z’s child “Blue Ivy” or “Ivy Blue” or sounds like a club that Jay Z should open instead of name his child that.

#38 – Sara Jean Underwood

Does Ask Men do anything else besides watch Attack of the Show and fashion shows? Yes for Sara Jean Underwood for the same reasons as Olivia Munn, Candace Bailey and the “Daily Girls” or whatever. I’m much more of a sucker for Olivia and Sara than the others simply because I do know them much more. Sara has been a big hit on the internet for two things – #1. COSPLAY – I do love looking at pictures of Cosplay. Whether it is sexy or just well done, I really enjoy it. Sara has dressed up cosplay style for a number of bits on AOTS and for different “cons” (conventions). And #2. Sara posed nude last year and they were as expected sexy. Good for her! Right? So yes. Definite yes and she would have to dress in cosplay at least twice a week.

#37 – Anne Hathaway

Yes and, now, she too would have to dress in the Catwoman outfit at least once a week. I’m so excited for The Dark Knight Rises that – sad, but true – I cut out the Batman mask on the back of the box of Cheerios and did wear it for a minute or two or 8. Back to Anne, yes. Good actress, good looking, loves getting naked, seems goofy and fun. Oh yeah and she’s a fellow raised New Jerseyian or something. Millburn! I like Anne Hathaway plus she was dating that billionaire guy who then they found out was all illegal procured so he went to jail… I’m like 99% sure I would be a better boyfriend than that guy. Ask Men is butter right now because they’re on a roll… hey oh!

#36 – Kristen Wiig

Ask Men must’ve really liked Bridesmaids. Kristen is sitting pretty like 30-40 spots above sexy stalwarts. I like Kristen Wiig as well. Funny? Check. Attractive? Check. Successful? Check. Hasn’t been addicted crack cocaine? Check. She’s a keeper! I was a big fan of Bridesmaids too and a big fan of MacGruber. For all the same reasons as her buddy Tina Fey, she’s definitely a good choice for this list. I know there are still 35 spots to go, but there are a lot of female comedianesses that I think should be on this list like Sarah Silverman. Where the eff is she on this list? Funny and sexy is about all you can ask for. Smarts? I mean that’s debatable. I don’t want someone so smart that I feel like I’m in school. But at the same time, I don’t want someone so dumb I have to worry that she hasn’t remembered that fire = hot. Anyway, went off on a tangent there. Kristen is a yes. I’m anxious to see where her movie career goes post-Bridesmaids.

#35 – Amber Heard

Yep. Yeeeeeeeeeeeep. I do love me some Amber Heard. She’s absurdly good looking and then add onto that this whole “I’m a lesbian” and sometimes “I’m bisexual” thing she’s been doing. Woooooo!!! Love it. I mean Portia de Rossi’s got some competition nowadays for lesbian I’m jealous that lesbians have. Great looking. Also, I think Amber Heard is a pretty good actress. I didn’t see The Rum Diary because that looked like an abomination of the original text, but I’ve liked the bits and pieces I’ve seen of Amber – Zombieland and Pineapple Express – including Drive Angry 3D. Not surprising that the storyline/movie kind of loses track with 20 minutes left, but I thought that was a fun movie and I thought Amber did a real good job with her completely over the top character in a completely over the top movie. And yes, she has gotten naked for all of you asking – check out a little film called The Informers. Also, Amber, Teresa Palmer and Kristen “The Wantess” Stewart’s faces can tend to look alike in a magazine pictorials and that’s not a bad thing at all.

#34 – Jessica Gomes

Yeah! I do know the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models pretty well and Jessica is one of them. In my previous office job, I did spend an inordinate amount of time going through the pictures and videos of SI’s Swimsuit near endless pages on their website. Obviously, Sports Illustrated is not a particular banned website at most offices and at the same time, as mentioned, there are some of the most beautiful women in bikinis and body paint on that website. I love you, SI. So yeah, I developed a longing for Ms. Gomes. She is a bi-racial angel of Chinese/Portuguese descent and born in Australia. Nothing against Victoria’s Secret models, but SI has the best in my opinion. Ms. Gomes is a good example because she’s got some curves to her. Sure there are some ladies I find attractive that are pretty stick thin like “The Wantess” herself, but by and large I’m looking for a lady with some squeezability – SI provides that a lot more than any of these fashion people. Previously on the list, Beyonce was the SI cover girl one year. Anyway, yes to Ms. Gomes. YES!

#33 – Brooklyn Decker

YES! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN, ASK MEN! Listen, I hate American tennis player Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker is the reason why. No “good for him” for marrying Brooklyn Decker… no, it’s more “fuck that guy and yes I hope he loses next year in the first round of Wimbledon”. Also, if we’re being honest I’ve always preferred tennis players who are more than a big serve. No joke, Michael Chang was one of my FAVORITE tennis players of all time. Just looked up Michael, born in Hoboken, NJ motherfuckers! WOOOO!!! It’s like I have a cosmic connection with these people… anyway… Brooklyn Decker is on that short list with Bar Refaeli of my gorgeous creatures to walk this damn war ridden planet. I love her name too. Brooklyn is a great name and place and word to say. Hard consonants! Fucking all the yesses for Brooklyn Decker.

#32 – Blake Lively

Yes. A sexy blonde who is taking nude pictures of herself and sending them to me on my cell phone? Oh fuck that would be a terrible life to lead. I really don’t know too much about Blake Lively other than how she looks like a living Barbie doll. She’s great looking, ok. I’ve seen maybe one episode of Gossip Girl, I watched most of Green Lantern and I saw The Town. Oh right, she was in Accepted – that movie was meh. She’s not a good actress and should be a model. She looks like a model. She actually would be good in super hero movies if she played one of the super heroes instead of just the chick the super hero likes. If she played Super Girl that would make a ton of sense. She’s crazy hot. So yes very desirable. We’re fucking animals who like shallow things… what do you want from me? Also, her boobs look perfect and by that I mean they’ve got to be fake and whoever did those fake boobs should be given a medal and a statue.

#31 – Lara Stone

No clue. Who is Lara Stone? She’s got lovely side boob action happening. I’m guessing she’s British. And she looks a lot like Georgia Jagger… and now it is time to investigate via wikipedia… brb… Ok, she’s Dutch and not British, but she’s married to a British comedian. Seriously, Ask Men should be Ask Men.co.uk. Anyway, she’s got a D cup, so obviously I’m on team Lara Stone. She appears to have shaved her eyebrows in a bunch of these pictures – why? Either way, she’s got great big boobs and a nice body and a gap tooth exactly like Georgia Jagger. It’s kind of a toss up for me between Georgia and Lara. Georgia has connections to her dad, which would be cool to hang out with Mick. But Lara has even bigger boobs. Hmmmm… errrr… yes? Sure, why not? What the hell do I care? Honestly, though I’ll forget who Lara Stone is in a half hour.

#30 – Kat Dennings

YES! Was someone talking boobs? BECAUSE KAT FUCKING DENNINGS! I am a fan of Kat both spiritually and boobily. Did you all see Kat’s naked pictures a year ago? Sweet Jesus – I had to go to church just to thank the Lord above in person for that. I don’t know how those pictures ended up on the internet and then onto my computer saved forever, but if it meant fighting two world wars and the South African apartheid then IT WAS WORTH IT. Ok, so she’s a yes for the boobs, lips, eyes, and overall Elvira’s prep school years look – but I do think Kat is more than just boobs. Kat used to be a big star on youtube making webcam videos of her talking about ridiculous things and doing goofy things and all that and they were pretty good. I watched. I watched and there was no nudity or anything, which there is something to be said for that. I have also really genuinely thought about watching 2 Broke Girls because I do like Kat, but I can’t. I have watched half of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist because of Kat and Michael Cera, but I couldn’t sit through the whole thing. Anyway… Kat Dennings is a goth Christina Hendricks and both are big “yessssssssses” in my book. Where is Christina on this list? Only 29 spots left…

#29 – Haley Atwell

BOOBS! My brain is getting overloaded with boobs at this point. It’s the greatest overdose ever though. Haley Atwell was the brunette love interest named Peggy Carter in the Captain America movie last year. I mean the Cap is apparently still a virgin, which is rough, but even more rough has to be that he could have had sex with Haley Atwell. He also could have had sex with Natalie Dormer (she was the blonde who kissed him and Haley saw) and that would have ruled. But God has certainly forsaken you when a great looking woman like Haley, with a pair of boobs that would make Michelangelo (the artist and/or the ninja turtle) cry, wants to sex you and then God makes it happen that later that day he puts you in a jet plane into the ice and freezes you for half a century only to wake up and have to fight space aliens with Mark Ruffalo. I mean that’s something that would make you hate God forever. Anyway, Haley’s a yes. I liked that movie a lot and I loved seeing Haley dressed up like a 1940’s pin-up and she looked amazing.

#28 – Dianna Agron

Sure. Sexy blonde girl who can sing? Who is turning this away? I don’t watch Glee, but I did see I Am Number Four. I regret seeing that movie, but that was the first time I heard Dianna speak. Not that she was any good in the movie because no one was good in that movie, but yeah she’s a very attractive young lady. She’s 25, but it doesn’t look like much of a stretch to make her look like she’s in high school. Damn those hormones in our food and making young kids look so much older. Very cute and all that. Nothing against Dianna, but there is a near endless list of what she’s offering on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon as well. That’s certainly not a bad thing. If I was making a list of the top 99, it would be difficult splitting hairs between Dianna and Ashley Tisdale and so forth. They should wrestle for it. Baby oil wrestle for it. Or maybe a tickling competition in the shower. That exists, right? That’s how girls settle major disputes? Tickle fighting in the shower? I’ll take your silence as a yes. DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME.

#27 – KRISTEN STEWART

SHE WANTS IT!

Of course, this is a fucking yes. Look at the damn name of this website. And the WANT is what I WANT the most. Kristen Stewart is an attractive skinny minny and all that, but as mentioned – that damn fucking want has to be great to be around. Keep her hydrated on Gatorade and vitamin C and I bet that WANT feels like sitting in warming glow of the Sun on a Mexican beach far away from the border wars with the drug cartels and the federales. Also, I’m not going to get too into why Kristen is a YES more so than I already have considering I’ve probably written at least a big book’s worth of words on Kristen’s WANT and my affection towards it. So… yes.

#26 – Minka Kelly

Fuck yeah, yes. Gorgeous. She’s also got a girl next door vibe too, which is crazy because I don’t think anyone has ever lived next door to someone who looks like Minka Kelly. Just great looking. Acting? I really haven’t seen any of that. I watched Friday Night Lights a little bit, but was not sucked into that soap opera like other people. Minka, like Blake Lively, would probably be best served as a model over an actress. I haven’t seen Jessica Alba on this list yet, but she’s a definite yes and Minka reminds me of her as well. Distractingly good looking, but not really that good of an actress. I’ve seen a bunch of Alba movies, she’s so fucking good looking, but she doesn’t really know how to play sexy the way other chicks might. Like Ginnifer Goodwin plays crazy sexy on Big Love. Ginnifer is great looking, but she borders on the more “cute” range where you would immediately see a picture of her and think “sex machine”, but man can she play a “sex machine”. Alba and Minka and Lively look like “sex machines”, but I’ve yet to see them act like one in a movie or something. Alba was the most boring stripper to ever strip in Sin City. Anyway… off point… Minka Kelly is super dooper hot. I guess it is a power thing, but Derek Jeter never admitted to ever going out with Minka Kelly. Like I said, that must’ve been some control or power thing, but I would hire a sky writer to tell the world I was boning Minka Kelly. … … I doubt I would do that. I would admit to it though. What a weirdo Derek Jeter is. Actually, Leo did the same with Bar. Are you having sex with this woman? Uhhh, it’s none of you…. YES. Yes I am. I got a little carried away in that one. Yes to Minka. Also, I like the name. It’s like a Bond villainess.

#25 – Emmanuelle Chirqui

Yeeeeeep. Ask Men for the most part really nailed the last 20 or so of these. No one sounds more exotic than Emmanuelle Chriqui. I have little to no idea how to pronounce her last name or at least pronounce it correctly – I’ve heard people say it a million different ways, but either way she’s flawlessly attractive. Emmanuelle had easily one of the sexiest GQ or Esquire or whatever magazine spreads a couple years ago. It was her in a pair of jeans, topless, and a car in tall grass. No idea about the car or what that is about, but she looked incredible. I hated Entourage and hated seeing her smooching with stupid ass Kevin Connolly. Again, she’s a sexy mix of Moroccan Jews and born in Montreal. She also sounds like a Bond villainess or a Bond girl or whatever. Just unworldly attractive. As far as an actress, I got no clue. I’ve seen her in a few things like that Adam Sandler movie, but nothing was too memorable. She’s also pretty distracting with her looks. I can’t think of too many people who have been able to overcome that on the female side of things. Despite how terrible the Catwoman movie was, Halle Berry is good looking on an out of the universe way, but has shown great range as a dramatic actress, which no one expected. Got sidetracked again, yes on Emmanuelle. If she stormed out of a bar, I would simply chase after her on foot because saying her name takes a minute that she wouldn’t be within ear shot by the time I got it out of my mouth.

Whew, that took me awhile. It’s almost 2pm.

As for a dude, how about Captain America?

AMAZING!

I actually was going to find a picture of Taye Diggs with his shirt off and found many, but then I saw this picture. Look at that puppy. I do love Taye Diggs. Just google search Taye Diggs (like you don’t do that daily already). It’s like the brother is staring into my soul! Jeez, his eyes are pools of knowledge. If I was a straight chick or a gay man, I would be totally hung up on Taye Diggs. I would literally go out of my way to date men whose name was Taye or who looked even remotely like Taye or used to work with him.

Oh right, Captain America. You thought I mean Chris Evans. Well, here he is…

Is something on your mind, Chris?

He’s so deep and complicated.

Anyway… the last bit of the list I’ll finish up tomorrow.

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