Ask Men’s TOP 99 WOMEN of 2012: A KSWI Deconstructive Opinion Piece part IV

February 3, 2012

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

FINALLY THE END OF THE WEEK!!!!

FINALLY THE END OF THIS LIST!!!

I have enjoyed going through this list… somewhat. I mean I am just sitting here and thinking about really beautiful women, but, at the same time, I would like this to be less about being purely shallow. It’s hard to argue with shallowness though. Obviously, it’s really difficult to try and make an argument for thinking Penelope Cruz is “desirable” and not just keep bringing up “how fun would it be to play with her boobs?” I’m trying my “best” to seem critical about almost 100 women (minus Kreayshawn, Kate Moss, and, most likely, Paz de la Huerta) that if forced to choose – I would choose them over my parents. Sorry, but we’re talking about Eva Mendes here. Also, let’s be perfectly honest – most of these chicks are simply “just hot” and that’s why they have these jobs and little else. It’s not like ugly people can’t act, it’s just who wants to see ugly people act or sing for that matter. That’s an entertainment business thing or in general thing. Can you even think of how many ugly waiters or bartenders you have compared to good looking ones? There’s nothing wrong with simply liking good looking people because they’re good looking. You don’t get mad at a pretty shade of blue because its pretty do you? I sounded like Dr. Seuss right there.

Anyway, as far as “desirability”, like I said I can’t fault them choosing people just because they’re hot and they’re famous (to someone). Maybe I’m asking too much of Ask Men because who says they’re anything but your typical online Men’s magazine. They’ve had a few under the radar hot chicks I guess, but not as many as I was hoping for – you’re the internet, get a little nutty with your choices.

Today, I saw this video on youtube…

That is comedianess Rachel Bloom and right now I have an internet boner crush on this chick that exceeds that of at the very least half of the women on this Top 99 list.

So… I appreciate the list, but I was hoping for more originality.

But, let’s get back to the list of beautiful women as we enter the final quarter!

#24 – Jessica Alba

Fuck yes. I’m such an asshole. How can I be mad at Ask Men for choosing Jessica Alba? I wrote about Minka Kelly yesterday and mentioned Jessica Alba a few times. She seems like a nice person and she’s stupidly good looking like so good looking her aura of attractiveness could probably bend soft metals. Too far? As for her profession – her acting profession – well, I’m not a fan. I want her to be a good actress because she’s so fun to look at, but she’s really not a good actress. I’ve seen her in at least half a dozen movies ranging from action to comedy. I do remember she said something once about her looks even hindering her career because they don’t give her serious roles. I’m sure there wasn’t much to work with in Fantastic Four, but she didn’t do much with the little she had. I can only judge what I see and although she was fucking super duper good looking in Sin City, her acting was about as stiff as my the ___ in my pants when I watched her awkwardly sway on stage in that cowboy getup. And to nitpick, Robert Rodriguez shouldn’t have chosen her because she wasn’t going to get nude. She’s a stripper at a strip club! If she’s not getting naked then what the fuck are we paying the $20 cover and the extra on the drinks for? But you’d be in the tiny minority to not think she’s beautiful and I guess that’s all we need.

#23 – Olivia Wilde

Also, a stunning woman. Acting wise, she’s better than Alba. Not by a wide margin or anything. I do get the sense that Olivia is really trying when she’s acting. Some people I don’t. Olivia has been a ton of shitty movies. She’s been in some stinkers, but I would put the blame of those movies on her and would put them squarely on the director/screenplay/producers or whatever. If there is a bright spot in Tron 2: Legacy then it’s her and same goes for Cowboys & Aliens, but both movies are HORRIBLE with a capital HORRIBLE. I watched The O.C. – sue me – and she wasn’t any worse or better than the other chicks on that show. I don’t watch House, but I know she was or still is on it. I think Olivia potentially has a few good performances in her and by that I mean like an actual good movie – I’m not saying she’s turning into Meryl Streep, but who knows. She knows how to carry herself and be real sexy besides being good looking – she’s really good with her eyes, with her looks. To me, she’s pretty much an American Keira Knightley. Take that in every way you think I mean it.

#22 – Kate Beckinsale

Fuck yes. I mentioned Kate earlier this list about how she only seems to get more attractive as the years past. Currently, the former Oxford graduate (yep!) is 38 and looks amazing. There are a lot of 38 year olds that look amazing, but I mean she looks as amazing as she looked when most people first saw her in Pearl Harbor, which was 11 years ago. She’s also got the stereotypical British wit. I’ve seen her interviewed a bunch and she’s charismatic, but she’s put in HORRIBLE movies. I don’t get it. She is so beautiful that it is hard to imagine her in some roles the way Alba complained, but the difference is that I think Beckinsale can actually pull off some of these roles. Maybe she doesn’t want to act much I don’t know. Just looking at her list of movies, they’re real bad. Actually, you can look at a lot of actresses resumes and they’re bad – Hollywood does not have many good roles for women. For Christ’s sake, Glenn Close is out there playing a man in Albert Nobbs. Random. Either way, I like Kate Beckinsale. And… I’m wagering this right now… one day – Dame Kate Beckinsale. Yeah, that’s right.

#21 – Natalie Portman

Yes. What can I say about Natalie Portman that won’t win me a restraining order? She’s as talented an actress as she is beautiful and she’s so good looking I’m having to use all my will power to not try and tongue kiss my monitor any time a picture of her is on it. Creepy right? Just agonizingly pretty. And such a good actress. Like an actual actress. Not some girl who is in movies, but she does what we think Meryl Streep or Laurence Olivier does/did. To put it in sports terms, there are guys who played quarterback and there were fucking quarterbacks. Daniel Constantine Marino of the Mighty Miami Ballphins was a fucking quarterback. He honestly couldn’t have commanded an offense or been more of a threat to any and all defenses than he did for his entire career. He walked out of the NFL holding every player related statistic he possibly could have. Natalie Portman is a fucking actress. In her FIRST movie, Leon aka The Professional, she gave arguably the greatest performance a kid has ever given in a fucking movie. I mean what kid actor (Natalie was 12, so 12 or under or even 15 and under) gives a better performance than Natalie does in that movie? FIRST MOVIE! And she was being directed by creepy Frenchman Luc Besson, with an intimidating Frenchman Jean Reno, with a batshit nuts Brit Gary Oldman. Beautiful and wildly talented.

I’ll tell a quick little name dropper story here. In 2004, I went to the Los Angeles Film Festival opening night screening where Garden State played. There was an after party and my roommate and I went to it. Nothing was happening at the party and there wasn’t too good of celeb watching (Wilmer Valderama and Tia Carrera?), so I went to the bathroom and was getting ready to leave. After peeing, I bumped into Zack Braff. I was saying how much I loved the movie, the soundtrack, and what a coup it was for him to get Natalie Portman. He thought so as well, but he mentioned that the studio didn’t want her thinking she wasn’t good because of the Star Wars prequel. I was shocked. We talked about how stupid that was, how great she was in the movie, how great she was in a bunch of movies (including a personal favorite Where the Heart Is), and good job on getting to make out with her in the movie. Anyway, the conversation ended a minute later and that’s all I got. Since Garden State, she’s been in another half a dozen good/great movies and much deservedly won the Oscar for Black Swan.

And she did this, which is sexy, adorable, funny, and mesmerizing.

#20 – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Hahahahah… fffffsssssccccchhhh… yeah, I guess. If it wasn’t for the fact that I just finished talking about someone who I truly do believe is “desirable” and not just a pretty face then maybe I would care more, but c’mon – the chick from Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon? Very pretty and all, but it wouldn’t even be close between her and Natalie and they’ve actually got her 1 ahead of Natalie. Again, she’s tall, she’s pretty, she’s a model, she’s British… it’s funny in their bio of her they compare her to Kate Moss – I was thinking the same thing. Rosie’s what Kate Moss should’ve been. I’ve never gotten why Kate Moss was so beloved… ever. I’ve never really been attracted to Kate Moss back then or really now. The way people talk about Kate Moss, I would picture Rosie in my head. She’s a much better version than Kate Moss. Good for her.

#19 – Lea Michele

The “Hebrew School Hottie”, a definite yes. I do have a thing for Jewish chicks in the same way I have a thing for Irish chicks or Japanese chicks or Brazilian chicks or Caribbean chicks and so on and so on. I get guys who have a thing for Indian chicks – I get that, but what I don’t get is ONLY being into Indian chicks. Each stereotype of an ethnicity has its appeal and with that I like all of that and all of them. For Lea, she’s got a nose on her, but it’s hot. She knows how to work with what she’s got. Do you see this girl’s magazine photoshoots? She fucking wants IT. She’s not shy about being sexy. That’s very attractive. Talented singer? I’m guessing so. Like I said with Dianna Agron, I don’t watch Glee, so I can pretty rightly assume she’s a good singer. I know she was in Spring Awakening on Broadway and that won all these awards, so I’m guessing this pint sized Jewess is very good at what she does. Even though I don’t really know anything about her besides her fucking wanting IT in photoshoots, I’d easily say yes and would try my best to play some adult themed hide the afikomen with her in a sukkah. If you get what I’m putting down.

#18 – Lady Gaga

Yes. Without a doubt, yes. I might take her to a clinic and get her tested first for an STD, but after that Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta would be a definite fucking yes. I am a big fan of her first two albums, I do dislike greatly her third album, and I am eagerly awaiting her fourth album to redeem herself. I like her music, I like her ridiculous act, I think she’s sexy, and definitely would say she should be on this list. My only problem with the Gaga is her recent album sucks. Up until then Gaga could do no wrong in my book. She’s still entertaining and puts on a great show and has potential to put out even better music. Besides that, Stefani has a great body on her, nice boobs (she can’t stop showing them off, which I’m cool with) and for a skinny, white, Italian chick from New York – she’s got a great ass. Really does. She’s got a great ass for really any nationality and so forth, but I just wanted to mention she’s a skinny, Italian girl from New Yawrk named Stefani with a nice dumper and not some interplanetary costumed weirdo named Lady Gaga. She’s both, but I’m just saying. Definite yes. Sincerely, I hope her new album is good. She lost her teeth on her last album. It’s too much like Cher.

#17 – Emma Watson

Well that’s a yes. I watched all those dumbass Harry Potter movies because of this British tart or at least from the third one on because I got forced into seeing the first two. Emma Watson went from being simply adorable to an adorable you want to corrupt in a hot tub. I didn’t read a single page of those magic trick making English twerps, but from what I’ve been told Hermione Granger was supposedly to be “homely”. Well, whoever casted these movie fucked that up because Watson is eye catching cute. I’ve talked about Watson before on this website and I think most people are in agreement over her, so let’s move on. There’s no debate to be had here and I still have 16 more to go. Yes, Emma Watson.

#16 – Katy Perry

Russell Brand didn’t think so, AM. I. RIGHT?! I’m just joking. His drug addled brain couldn’t make a correct decision if it tried – see the remake of Arthur. Oh that’s too harsh – I like Russell Brand. They didn’t work out apparently and I don’t know why, there seems to be conflicting reports and when I try to think about that too much my brain starts to hurt and blood comes out of my ears. Let’s get back to Katy Perry… ‘s boobs. Good GOD! I know you probably think she has big boobs because you’ve seen her music videos, but really the sheer gloriousness of this bosom have only been truly revealed in two places: 1. her wearing that Elmo t-shirt on SNL and 2. the random bikini pictures paparazzi stalkers have taken. Holy Lord! Desirable? Yes. Definitely. Very good looking. Her music? Pretty stereotypical and nothing special really. I mean that Jessie J. song “Domino” sounds just as good if not better than any of Perry’s songs. Is she talented? At least some. Her songs are catchy and a bunch of them have become crazy popular so much so she’s broken a bunch of records for doing something. Hell if I know what any of that means. What does matter? Pretty face, girl next door looks, can do the pin-up look too, and a set of boobs on her that make me tear up thinking about them. Shallow? Yeah. But have you seen her videos – she seems pretty shallow about herself as well. I didn’t start it, but I love it.

#15 – Daisy Lowe

Yeeeeeeeep. Beautiful couples make beautiful kids? You’re damn fucking right they do. One day almost 23 years and 9 months ago, Pearl Lowe and Gavin Rossdale, yep – that Gavin Rossdale, put their genitals together and allowed their juices to copulate and nowadays walking around (maybe London) is a crazy sexy chick named Daisy Lowe – she looks exactly like the girl in the picture because that’s her. Most people I imagine learned of Daisy’s existence last year when last year Daisy Lowe gave us this disturbingly sexy striptease video for Esquire magazine. It’s not much more that a striptease, but oh God is it aggravating watching her knowing that in the end you don’t get to defile all of that. It’s like watching the Food Network while you’re starving. JUST GIVE ME THAT CAKE YOU BITCH, MARTHA STEWART! Anyway, yes, Daisy is “desirable”. That video is fucking hot. It’s playful and naughty and better than you would’ve ever expected to come from Esquire. Daisy also posed for Playboy last year. So, yes. Well done, Gavin and Pearl – we all want to sex your daughter, so badly.

#14 – Selena Gomez

I have little to no shame admitting I do dig a few Selena Gomez tracks. She’s also quickly going from cute kid to sexy lady. She’s showing off cleavage nowadays, strutting around with her legs showing, and doing her very best to convert Justin Bieber to being straight. Once a week, she’s barely wearing a bikini and grinding on him like a sheet of sandpaper trying to smooth down a table leg. It’s something else. If that kid isn’t gay then he’s got a level of restraint on him usually reserved for silent shaolin monks. She’s chipmunk cheeked cute in the face, got a set of pipes on her singing, sounds like a Disney cartoon character and soon enough will be more woman than girl as she turns 20 this year and at that point she’ll be really sexy. Right now, I would totally be lying if I wasn’t jealous of Justin Bieber watching her hang all over him, but she’s going to get better looking when she grows into herself, so I do think her being #14 is high. Either way, she’s a yes and I would get rid of my car stereo and just drive around to her singing “Naturally”.

#13 – Mila Kunis

Yep. Mila is difficult to look at without me having to take a deep breath. Mila’s got this Cleopatra kind of hotness. It’s those eyes in particular that are these powerful Egyptian cat goddess eyes. Does everyone see that? Just crazy sexy. The movie Black Swan is so fucking intense. The physicality of it, the emotion of it, the drama of it, and having Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis interacting and then sexing and kissing and touching is sincerely too much. I felt like I was tripping on something watching that movie. I was freaking out a little in my brain. Watching them kiss and grab each other – it’s paralyzing hot. If the two of them were fighting in front of me, I wouldn’t stop it – I couldn’t stop it. I would fight anyone who would try to stop it. Don’t ruin this! Just they being in the same room is sexy. Mila should have a nice career ahead of her if people saw her in Black Swan. They should give her meatier roles and not that bullshit with Justin Timberlake. She can make some good stuff if given the opportunity. Desirable? You bet your damn ass.

#12 – Zooey Deschanel

Everyone’s indie rock girlfriend. Everyone’s! Especially now that she’s single. She’s single, right? I thought I read that or did I make that up to make myself a tiny bit happier that she’s going to somehow run across my hilarious and outdated OkCupid profile and get lured in by my distinguished, eclectic, but relate-able list of handpicked movies I like. What happened there? Yes, Zooey is a yes. Talented – yep. Funny actress, great singer/songwriter, that right mix of weird, but completely normal that makes her quirky unique, but not someone you need to draw-up a psyche profile for. She’s that universal adapter that fits everyone seems to be able to fit into. There should be an over-the-top elimination Royal Rumble to decide who gets to court Zooey and put that on pay-per-view and make a billion dollars. Although, who is going to run the cameras and production because everyone will be fighting for Ms. Deschanel? We could possibly train her family including her beautiful sister, Emily. I do really like this picture of her. The colors really play well off each other with the highlights of her bright blue eyes against her black hair and white skin and then the hints of the green dress. It’s really nice. … … … Also, I want to play with her boobs. Yeah, that evens things out.

#11 – Kate Middleton

This might split the crowd, but I have to disagree. She seems great and all, but isn’t the reason why she’s so “desirable” because she’s with the guy that she’s with? If she wasn’t with him anymore, wouldn’t that really devalue the desirability you’ve placed on her? So in this scenario of desirability, is if she stays with the Prince, but is outside the gates hooking up with you the pauper? That’s just really odd to me. She’s pretty and she’s smart, so maybe I’m overthinking this, but it just seems odd to me. One thing, I liked about Pippa was that if you’re into Pippa and you’re dating Pippa in this fantasy world that you’re also hanging out with the Prince and the Duchess. Maybe that’s just me. That’s how I see it. In this case, it seems like you want her to stay the Duchess, which is like you want Angelina Jolie (who is not on this list by the way), but she can only be dressed as Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and has to talk in the English accent and try to find treasures and so forth. Nothing against Kate, but I’m not into this one – kind of think the intentions are off.

FINALLY… into the TOP TEN… !!!

#10 – Candice Swanepoel

If you’re into gorgeous South African models then sure. Seemingly of the same sort of stock that brought us Charlize Theron (not on this list!), comes one of the new IT girls for Victoria’s Secret. Very beautiful – blonde, blue eyes and looks picture perfect in those angel wings. So yes. The only thing I’ll add is that last year she was accused of having an eating disorder because of how skinny she is. Well two things – of course she has an eating disorder and why is that a surprise? Runway fashion models?! They all have to have eating disorders to be that thin. It’s kind of the name of the game, not sure why they picked on poor Candice out of all of them. As mentioned, I feel like SI’s Swimsuit models are the only ones that have more than the ultra skinny. Anyway, Candice does have boobs and some shape to her for having a negative number waist. I’m more of a Bar, Marissa, Brooklyn – kind of guy, but I doubt it would take too much arm twisting to convince me to be on team Swanepoel.

#9 – Rihanna

Yes and I want to say Yes, but I have reservations that Rihanna is the new Whitney Houston. SHE’S FUCKING NUTS! She’s beautiful, she’s pretty much a carbon copy body wise of Beyonce, and she does have a good voice with some uber catchy tracks to her career. She’s 23 years old and every 6 months or so she gets another gangster rap inspired tattoo and supposedly she’s still “secretly” dating Chris Brown he gave her a worse beating than Mike Tyson gave any fellow heavyweight dude boxers in his illustrious career. The tattoos? About a year ago, she got two small guns tattoo with one next to one boob and the other next to the other. In the past week, she got “thug life” tattooed across her knuckles in I believe pink. Can’t her and her booty from Barbados just be normal? Is that too much to ask? At 23 year’s old, a famous, great looking singer with a famous, abusive, singer/dancer boyfriend – it is way too hard to not try and draw a comparison with her and Whitney and Chris and Bobby Brown. Also, they’re black – I’m not not seeing that too. I wouldn’t say Ike and Tina because maybe I’m wrong to think that Chris Brown has had a crazy more successful career than Ike. Whatever… so Rihanna does worry me in that regard. She’s desirable to a point because she brings a lot of known baggage that doesn’t seem to be in her past and is more so in the present. Let’s pretend that stuff isn’t happening for a minute, Rihanna is sexy, she’s an island chick who likes to smoke blunts and booty pop in thongs in public. Sounds like the greatest weekend of my life! Desirable? Yes, but very cautious about it.

#8 – Kim Kardashian

I love her and I skipped to the next one because I do love the next one as well. Anyway, Princess Jasmine come to life is without a doubt an exotic temptress. I would take Kim Kardashian over pretty much any of these skinny runway walkers in a fucking heartbeat. I did just read about a second ago that she could be secretly dating Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets. He also was supposedly dating another top 10 from this who is coming up shortly (Kate Upton). I HATE YOU, Mark Sanchez. I hate you so very much. Let’s get back to Kim, I’ve talked at length about Kim Kardashian before and I think I have made it painfully obvious at this point that she would be an unquestionable yes from me. The marriage? Who cares. The sex tape? It was a good sex tape, which should only excite one even more for the Kimmy K. possibilities. The attention whoring? At least she’s not being dragged out of night clubs drunk and hopped up on coke. I mean we compare her to these other socialites, but the Kardashians are in the family entertainment business. They’re not out there drunk driving at 3am in LA. Either way, I would say “yes” to any and all female Kardashian/Jenners – one they all kind of look the same and two it seems like they’re having a pretty good time with life. Hanging out in NYC, hanging out in the Hamptons, hanging out in St. Barts, going to basketball games, tweeting. Big fan of Kardashian – physically, financially, and lifestyle-ily.

#7 – Scarlett Johansson

Fuck yes. I think it was probably about 10 seconds into the opening titles of Lost in Translation that I fell in love with Scarlett Johansson for the rest of my fucking life… … … it’s a steady close-up of Scarlett’s butt in a pink/salmon colored see-thru underwear – arguably the most captivating image in the history of cinema. Some people get all indie about shit and say they loved her in Ghost World and my retort is something like, “Suck a dick, asshole. This isn’t a contest. Also, Ghost World was a little overrated and I didn’t see Ghost World until Netflix was invented. Ok?” Also, if anyone is really keeping count – everyone should have fallen in love with her in The Man Who Wasn’t There, but I didn’t see that until later. I meant to see it in the theaters, but I didn’t and didn’t see it until later in life with Netflix as well. If you go back any further than that then you’re a pedophile because she was 15 or 16 in The Horse Whisperer and looked like she was 12 or 13 – didn’t look grown-up in the least, creep-o. Back to the love, for a bit there in the early to mid 2000’s, Scarlett was not only heartbreakingly beautiful, but a good/great actress. The three movies I mentioned plus Girl with a Pearl Earring, A Love Song for Bobby Long, In Good Company, and The Prestige. Those are Scarlett’s good movies in my opinion. I didn’t see The Other Boleyn Girl and I didn’t think Vicky, Christina, Barcelona was anything special. ANYWAY! From her looks to her movies to her doing a Tom Waits cover album – for awhile there Scarlett was the indie rock girlfriend we all wanted. Scarlett became crazy famous, appeared in A list starring movies, became an A lister, appears in $200 million action movies more than dramatic films or quirky comedies, and became almost too glamorous for that indie rock ideal. For some reason, people think Zooey Deschanel is obtainable and Scarlett isn’t. Honestly, neither are obtainable. Anyway, Scarlett is a definite and would be in my top 10 and most likely closer to 1 than 7.

#6 – Emma Stone

Of course, yes. Not that we weren’t already fixated on Emma Stone, but ever since Jim Carrey posted that “I love you, Emma Stone” video on his twitter account – it has become completely OK and even fashionable to drool for Emma at every moment of the day. I remember watching Superbad and thinking not only is Emma Stone way out of Jonah Hill’s league, but she’s a better catch than Michael Cera’s girl who was out of his league to. How did that happen? The most desirable girl in the movie ended up with Jonah Hill – the magic of Hollywood. Since our introduction to Emma, she’s been only aces with comedic movies… well The Rocker sucked, but no one saw that except me I think… and with every month that passes our infatuation with Emma grows deeper and deeper and deeper. Also, another red head… well I’ve read she is actually a blonde who dies it red, but either way she’s keeping that torch for sexy redheads going. I’d say everyone’s got a crush on Emma Stone at this point and what else is there to say. Yes.

#5 – Nicki Minaj

Wow. First off, I love this picture. Secondly, I was shitting on Ask Men for originality – well I would’ve never guessed that Nicki Minaj would start off the top 5 most desirable chicks for 2012. Physically? Yeah, just about everything I love about Kim Kardashian is duplicated with Nicki Minaj, but shorter … so Kourtney Kardashian. Nicki is about 4 feet of boobs and butt horizontally attached to about foot feet of feet, legs, torso, neck and head vertically. Can’t mess with those dimensions – God love them. I too am very attracted to Ms. Minaj and her comic book proportions, but musically I’m kind of done with her. Similar to Katy Perry, I liked the first few jams and at this point I’m really only annoyed at the new jams and switch the channel immediately. The weird voices and odd rapping cadences were original and fun sometime at the end of two years ago, but now I’m sick and tired of it. I couldn’t tell you what Nicki’s new songs sound like because as soon as they start I’m on to another station. It was an over-saturation with Nicki where she was on every track like a female Lil’ Wayne and I don’t like listening to Lil’ Wayne anymore neither. So a definite yes to Nicki as long as she can keep the whacky voices for the studio.

#4 – Miranda Kerr

Do you like Candice Swanepoel? Prefer brunettes? And would you like an easier name to pronounce? Yes, yes, and yes? Then let me introduce you to Miranda Kerr. Another stick thin Victoria’s Secret model who has boobs somehow. A gorgeous looking Aussie who has been busy strutting runways in next to nothing as well as procreating with Orlando Bloom, yep – that Orlando Bloom. The two are married as well. I don’t know what else to say. She’s insanely good looking and that’s her job and she’s got some curves for a chick who must weigh no more than 2 to 3 ounces at most. I mean Orlando Bloom’s acting career maybe didn’t pan out the way many predicted, but the dude is married and creating mini-versions of himself with a Victoria’s Secret model, so he wins. Oh Elizabethtown sucked? Sure did, but he’s fucking Miranda Kerr, so who won that round of life? Bloom, bitches. Orlando Bloom. Yes to Miranda, definitely a yes.

#3 – Rooney Mara

Was not expecting this one AT ALL. Call me shocked. Wow. Huh? I saw Social Network and I saw Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and Rooney is a skinny little minx with some acting chops on her. I’ll give her that. I’m definitely interested to see where her career goes because two movies and two great performances that I’ve seen and it seems like it should be a sure fit for great things to come. I haven’t seen any of her other movies or TV appearances, but her work with Fincher is great. Supposedly, they’re doing the other two Lisbeth Salander books, which I couldn’t careless about. Anyway, yes to Rooney. Why not? She’s talented and pretty and has a bright career ahead of her. Also, I fucking love her family. I am a Steelers fan and her family made the Steelers. They also made the New York Giants and I grew up in a Giants loving household who will be cheering for the Giants this Sunday. So yeah that rules. My only hesitancy… I’m kind of in love with her sister Kate. That’s an issue I suppose in this world of complete hypotheticals and fantastical futures that will never play out no matter how many goats I sacrifice at dawn. C’mon though I love boobs and butts and hips and something I can get a firm grip on like I’m rock climbing. You get me? Kate Mara’s got some curves to her and honestly looks like Connie Britton’s daughter who I also have a Texas sized crush on. So, definitely a yes to Rooney and to her sister Kate and to Connie Britton.

#2 – Kate Upton

Were we talking about curves and boobs? WERE WE?! If there is a Hindu God/Goddess dedicated to boobs then it revealed itself to all of us last year in the form of fucking KATE UPTON. Hailing from St. Joseph, Michigan and raised in Melbourne, Florida, Kate Upton took over all male fantasies in 2011 when she appeared for the first time in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition. If that wasn’t enough, she captured our hearts with a cell phone video of herself doing the “dougie” at an NBA basketball game in April. Since then, I’ve easily spent more time looking at pictures and videos of Kate Upton than probably anyone else on the planet. Number two would be Alison Brie probably who isn’t anywhere on this list, which in my opinion is a criminal offense that should warrant 10 years of jail time. So, Kate Upton is 19 years old turning 20 in June – we’re both Geminis so we’re perfect for each other, right? – and I doubt I will ever get tired of seeing her in various bikinis. There is literally a 100 some odd picture gallery of her for Beach Bunny swimwear, which I’ve gone through and studied more diligently and committed to memory better than I did for the Torah in preparation for my Bar Mitzvah. Not that we really needed someone to take Marissa Miller or Brooklyn Decker’s place as the All-American, busty, blonde, beach and bikini girl, but Kate Upton is it. She’s the new messiah of bikini boobs. Oh did I mention she’s got a great butt and a beautiful cherubic face and she seems wholesome in every way like you would have sex with her on top of hay in a barn like you were going off to fight in the Civil War or play some Friday Night football and then eat apple pie with side of cheeseburgers and Budweiser? I am easily distracted by her boobs, but she’s got great legs and so for as well – don’t worry about that. She’s tall too – 5’10”. Yeah, I think I covered Kate Upton and the yes for her.

Are you ready?!

NUMERO UNO!!!!!

I mean this really isn’t a shock. You know who it is. Although it literally was days ago we started this journey together- she was the first person I mentioned on this list…

#1 – Sofia Vergara

F-U-C-K… Fucking yes. Modern Family is definitely a fun comedy and good for the kids, but it gets real X-rated every time Sofia Vergara appears on screen. I have zero “pure” thoughts any time I see Sofia Vergara. For years, Sofia was like many on this list of curvy models who make you happy to be a straight man or a lesbian woman. When I see Sofia, I feel bad for gay men and straight women. I feel bad for them. If they are not into what she is flaunting then in my opinion you are not experiencing the same unfettered joy in life that I am because she is glorious. Sure, she’s wildly unobtainable, but just to fantasize about her – it’s a pleasure in itself. Good God she’s attractive. Sofia is of that Taye Diggs level of attractability where I feel like every race, creed, religion, et cetera has about a 99% I WANT HER ON ME level of appreciation. Also, Sofia is of that Julie Bowen, Kate Beckinsale, Salma Hayek (who is not on this list!), Alyson Hannigan et cetera plane of existence who keeps getting hotter. This year Sofia turns 40. Fucking 40! Meaning she’s been a model for TWENTY YEARS. TWENTY! People have been pulling their hair out about how hot she is for 20 years and it’s not coming to an end anytime soon. I definitely remember seeing her bikini and other sexiness modelling when I was younger, but the first time I saw her act was in 2005 in Four Brothers – she played Tyrese’s girlfriend. Modern Family didn’t start until 4 years later, but it wasn’t surprising to me that she was good on the show because her character is kind of similar to her character in Four Brothers – just better and given a lot more screen time. On Modern Family, she’s excellent. The best part of that show is Ty Burrell and the second best would be tied between Eric Stonestreet and Sofia. The whole cast does a great job, but those three make every scene better and are playing really high risk high reward style characters who are over-the-top and absurd, which could get annoying, but it doesn’t with the three of them. Who knows what that means for Sofia and other acting roles in the future, but right now she’s one of the best things on television. Oh yeah and she’s so fucking hot I feel like she’s a damn magnet pulling me towards the television and proceeding to dry hump it. Yes or Si or mucho gusto.

That’s the list. I agree with some. I don’t agree with others. If I was doing this list there would have been more actresses I believe on the list, a bunch more female comedians (Sarah Silverman! How is she not on this list? Or just go to earwolf.com and click through “hosts” and “guests” and just about any female on there is “desirable” because they’re funny, creative and most of them are too good looking to also be that funny. C’mon, just be one or the other!), more athletes I imagine like Gina Carano who would be in my top 10, and Elisha Cuthbert. Seriously, where the fuck is Elisha Cuthbert?

I’m spent.

In my head.

In my pants.

In my fingers.

Whew.

Thank God this week is over.

I hope you have a great week. I hope you have an even better weekend and then an even better week next week then a better weekend then another great week then a mediocre weekend, so then the next week will be even better and then that weekend will rule and I love you all with every bit of me.

Thank you for reading.

2 Responses to “Ask Men’s TOP 99 WOMEN of 2012: A KSWI Deconstructive Opinion Piece part IV”

  1. cledbo said

    OK before I even read all of this, and the other 3 parts which I missed because I have a job which requires me to work WEEKENDS, that Rachel Bloom video is the funniest thing I’ve seen forever.

    But everyone knows Robert A. Heinlein is the greatest science fiction writer of all time. OF ALL TIME.

  2. AztecAbe28 said

    To Sara Jean Underwood there is ‘no’ comparison, this lovely young lady has created a societal class unto herself…,Sara supreme, class above anyone earthly.

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