February 6, 2012

Guten tag! Buenas Dias! Bonjour!

Happy Monday!

Happy Super Bowl hangover! My head is clear, but my bowels are not. If you know what I mean. They’re raging like the Mississippi river. Not in form, but in multitude and ferocity. So, I decided to start this post off with some poop talk. Who knew that was going to happen? Not I … I swear.


Well, it was a good game.

And, it was nearly identical to the last one the New York Giants played the New England Patriots in. It is getting kind of weird how many similarities there were in the lead up to the two games and then the eventuality of the game was strikingly similar. High drama games, well-executed games, and both endings were the ones I was rooting for.

Yahoo right now is strangely focused on the morose and cataloging the second-by-second post mortem for the New England Patriots. Yahoo kind of doesn’t give a fuck about the New York Giants winning as much as they want to see the tears of defeat pouring out of the skulls of the New England Patriots. Some sick fucks over at Yahoo.

There’s even an article about Gisele Bundchen getting into a yelling match with a heckler where she cries out that her husband couldn’t throw AND catch the football. That the team lost because they didn’t catch the ball… not entirely false sure, but keep a lid on it runway walker in her underwear.

My analysis of the game? The Giants’ defensive played great again, which allowed Eli his opportunities to make plays on offense. People are going to focus on one play in particular for the Patriots and that was the missed catch by Wes Welker. That was not an easy catch to make with him spinning and jumping and it flying over his head and him having to dive backwards and catch it over his back shoulder and all of that. If Welker caught that then he would have been the “David Tyree helmet catch” of this year’s Super Bowl and not the Mario Manningham sideline catch. It was a difficult catch for Welker to make and at the same time it was a catch he – because he is an excellent elite level football player – could have made. But the entirety of the game came down to that one missed catch?! That’s pretty absurd. Overall, both teams defensive secondaries played great.

But the main difference in the game was the battle of the line of scrimmage – the Giants won it on both sides of the ball and the Patriots didn’t. The Giants’ offensive line created great protection for Eli throughout the game and also helped create some great running lanes for some needed yards on the ground. Eli got sacked a couple times, but by-and-large the dude sat back there untouched for the whole game with a ton of time on his hands waiting to make the right throw. On the other side of the ball, the Giants’ vaunted pass rush played a great game as always. They got to Brady a lot, there were I think 3 blocked passes at the line of scrimmage and they did pressure Tom throughout the game not allowing him to be comfortable and pick at the Giants’ secondary.

That was the story of the first Super Bowl and that was the story of this one.

Good game. I wanted the Giants to win and they did and that’s about it.

As far as the next fabled question of the game…


I love the ridiculousness of this talk. Does Eli deserve to be in the Hall of Fame? Sure, why not? The Hall of Fame loves quarterbacks to begin with, so why wouldn’t he get in there? But the Hall of Fame is a long ways away. Eli will play football next year and the year after that and so on. Now, is Eli an “elite” quarterback? Yes. I think he proved that when he won this thing called THE SUPER BOWL a few years ago, but that’s just me. Will the New York media and the sports analysts the world over finally get off of Eli’s back and stop criticizing him? Well, yes… until next season when he loses a game and then they’ll get right back to tearing him a new asshole.

Why do I say that? Look across the metaphorical table at what they’re doing with Tom Brady. The dude has 3 Super Bowl rings, been to 5, and has all the personal statistics to categorize him as one of if not the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Does that matter though? Nope. Because he’s a big ole loser today! And just because he lead his team to another 13-3 season where they went on to the Super Bowl and through all that he threw for more yards than Dan Marino ever did in a season and threw for a bunch of TDs and all that good stuff. But today? He’s a big fat idiot and no one likes him except his gorgeous Brazilian model wife. But that’s how we treat the winners and losers of the moment.

Honestly, this whole thing only cements their legacies for good. All of them. THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL! If you are on the Giants then you had a so-so season, but peaked at the end of the year where you decimated teams in the playoffs and won the damn Super Bowl. For the Patriots, a fifth Super Bowl appearance in 10 years and another amazing 13-3 season and your team did that all with a sub-standard defense and you set tight end passing records. The 2000’s Patriots have been unquestionably playing some of the best football a team could ever play.

So that’s that.


Who gives a fuck?

It may have been interesting 15 years ago when we actually watched commercials instead of DVRing all of our shows and fast forwarding through the commercials or we weren’t seeing funny short videos every 30 seconds on Youtube or we were all a lot dumber 15 years ago because people get smarter the longer they are exposed to Wikipedia…

But I don’t care about commercials.

I don’t care if they’re funny, sad, or action-packed. Who the fuck cares? There was a commercial that skateboarder and hysterical man Rob Dyrdek made with some hatchback cars from some company and they made the cars do all these wild tricks like a kick flip and threw them out of planes with parachutes and had the car bungee jump. That’s great. I love watching Rob do that on his show Fantasy Factory, but for a commercial – who the fuck cares? Am I buying that car because of its latent potential ability to kick flip or go bungee jumping? That’s just as dumb if not dumber than me buying an Xterra thinking that just owning a car that has cargo nets in the trunk and bike rack on the roof would somehow make me want to go mountain biking for the first time ever in my life. As if the car just seeps its own intentions into you through the bucket seats or maybe the car whispers to you, “you should try kayaking”.

I hate commercials. They can suck a donkey dick. The dick of a burro. Ole!


Actually, all the bullshit of making fun of the Madonna choice aside… best halftime in recent memory.

In my recent memory…

Blues Brothers 2000 – SUCKED

U2 with the heart stage doing the 9/11 tribute… weird and I didn’t like it although I cried like a baby during it.

Aerosmith, RUN DMC, Britney Spears and I think NSYNC – SUCKED

Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and whatever else was going on – SUCKED

Rolling Stones – SUCKED

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers – they sounded, but it was slow and low energy

Prince – SUCKED – the dude didn’t even play his own songs

The Who – SUCKED

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band – They were good, but the Boss is the Boss and he never sucks

Black Eyed Peas – SUCKED

So, the bar is pretty low on these halftime shows.

Although, Madonna was lip syncing and all that jazz – I don’t care. Specifically, I thought the direction from the camerawork and the stage show and even the richness in the audio. Last year’s sounded like it was recorded in a garage across the street. It was awful. Who ever was in charge of the audio, camerawork, visuals – well fucking done.

Also, who ever was in charge of this…

And this…

Some of this…

And a whole lotta this…

Let me say…


I hadn’t seen the Madonna music video for that terrible new song, but the halftime show was a little similar too it.

Basically, thank you for making my Nicki Minaj and MIA as cheerleaders with an Egyptian princess flair a reality.

MIA looked good, but the Queen of Heavenly proportions Nicki Minaj looked real sexy as a cheerleader and I enjoyed that.

Thank you, NBC or who ever.

That’s the Super Bowl… anything else?

Oh yeah… I saw Chronicle this weekend and I liked it quite a bit. Definitely go see it if you are a fan of super hero movies or TV shows. It’s less than 90 minutes. It’s a pretty lean and mean movie with great special effects and some clever concepts and overall it’s a solid effort by everyone involved. Better than any super hero movie with a Marvel tag on it that wasn’t named Spider-Man or Captain America. Yes, I’m talking Thor, Iron Man, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four… better than DC’s Green Lantern or Bryan Singer’s Superman. Good flick. Worth seeing. Plus it is February and there is nothing to see in the theaters besides that, Liam Neeson fighting wolves and Daniel Radcliffe walking around a house.

Have a great day.

I hope you had a great Super Bowl and weekend.


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