NOTHING is happening in this world… EXCEPT this Spider-Man trailer did show up… I GUESS

February 7, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

I’ve got nothing! I’ve got nothing going on. I went through my list of websites and I didn’t notice anything that special. Maria Menunous was in a bikini, but I’ve shown her in a bikini before and I’ve talked about her recently – she was on the Top 99 list from last week. What else did I see? Several residual articles about the Super Bowl. Who cares?! It happened like 100 years ago already! JEEZ!!!!! … But seriously though let’s keep hypothesizing about Peyton Manning and his return to the field. Also, I go to a lot of MMA/cagefighting/human-cock-fighting websites and they’re all talking about the main event from this past Saturday of Carlos Condit vs. Nick Diaz. The judges said Condit won and a lot of people say otherwise – a lot of people say the judges were right too. Thus, everyone is ANGRY!!!! I am too. I thought Nick Diaz won when I watched the fight. Then last night I found myself on “Fight Metric”, which is a website that keeps statistics about how many strikes are thrown and so forth each round, and I looked over those stats and now I think Diaz won even more than I did when I watched the fight. But what does it mean?! Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just like Occupy Wall Street. So, here I am – what is happening on the Internet!

This?

Ahhhhhh!!!! The newest pencil-necked-iest Spider-Man!

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN… in 3D!!!!!

Yes, you read that sentence correct with your basic understanding of the English language that this movie will be in the THIRD DIMENSION! WOOOO!!!! Woooo!!! Wooo… woooo… hmmmm… I’ll see it.

After watching the trailer, my thoughts are… haven’t we seen this movie?

Maybe I’m mistaken, but didn’t a movie come out in 2002 about a nerdy high school kid played by an even nerdier young looking, but not high school aged actor who gets bit by a radio active spider, which gives him special powers that will enable him to become the super hero Spider-Man? Wasn’t this same nerdy high school kid in love with some girl he’s known all his life who is out of his league, but she does start falling for him once he gets all musclely and super hero-y and we pretend like she’s not into that, but she’s really into his new “confidence” and she just hadn’t noticed him before… without the muscles or super powers? In that movie, wasn’t there also a plot line about how the one high school bully who gets all the chicks picks on this nerdy high school kid, but then once he gets his powers he beats the bully? During these precedings, isn’t there a side story where the nerdy high school kid has an old dude relative that he looks up to who is overly dramatic and most likely going to die because we keep selling him as much as we can as a dramatic/life-enforcing figure in the nerdy high school kid’s life? Also, I may be wrong about this, but in that other movie wasn’t there a renowned scientist who is inventing a super serum that will make you stronger and faster and so forth and then tests it on himself, which immediately turns him into a big, bad, green, super villain who fights Spider-Man while he destroys the city for no apparent reason? And one more thing, doesn’t that scientist and the nerdy high school kid have a big hard-on of respect for each other, thus making this fight between them not only physical, but personal and ideological?

I could be wrong about all of that.

But…

I’m pretty sure Spider-Man from 2002 was literally re-made as The Amazing Spider-Man 3D.

To some, “well duh”, but isn’t that the slap in the face that Hollywood is always doing to us? They say they are rebooting a franchise and starting over and hiring all these people, but in essence they shot the exact same movie now twice and are making us pay for it all over again? If you saw Spider-Man the first one and can prove it, you should get at the very least a discount ticket for them reshooting that same script and changing The Green Goblin to the Lizard Man and that’s it. Same exact character as far as the movie’s purpose.

But, hey, what am I complaining about?!

Who doesn’t love a good “origin” story? Especially, one you have heard before countless times and you’re not going to deviate from that well-known tale in the least bit.

I know that CGI costs a good deal of money, but I’m betting it would have been cheaper to have digitally replaced Tobey Maguire’s face with Andrew Garfield’s, swap Emma Stone’s in for Kirsten Dunst, and fully replace the Green Goblin for the Lizard-Man. I bet that would have cost a fraction of the budget.

I will see it though. I have little else to do and I’m hopelessly addicted to seeing movies.

Plus, I can’t wait until this movie starts popping up around the corner and there will be all the meaningless articles on websites like Yahoo’s “omg!” that say, “Isn’t it funny how Kirsten Dunst who is a blonde had to be a redhead in the first Spider-Man movies and, now, Emma Stone who is mostly known for being a redhead had to be a blonde in this Amazing Spider-Man movie? Isn’t that the funniest?” And to them I say, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS IF YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY!

While on the subject of Emma Stone’s hair… I’ve read that she’s a blonde and that Judd Apatow told her to become a redhead for SuperBad and she did and now she’s a redhead. That’s something I’ve read. Then I read other people, who say that’s a lie (even though I’m pretty sure Emma told that exact story on Letterman and Conan) and she’s a real redhead. This is what I’m proposing to Emma Stone. Give it a few weeks. Don’t touch it for a few weeks. I’m not sure if you do any vaginal body-scaping considering I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing it, but hear me out – don’t touch it for a week with a razor or scissors or nair or wax or some fancy laser that only celebrities can afford. Just leave it au naturel as the “French” would say because seemingly the rest of us wouldn’t handle this with tact and say something like “let that pussy bush grow with the thickness”. Then once there is a nice thatch – let’s take a hilarious, but sexy shot by shot remake of Demi Moore’s Penthouse spread from 30 years ago. The original is honestly a work of art and so would this one. Demi’s not packing a bush and more so a black forest hiding her ham. It is a jungle of dark foliage in which no light penetrates, but a young Bruce Willis did – if you know what I mean? I’m talking about there’s enough hair down there to get a perm treatment. Like a young Don King, like Jason Alexander’s toupee, like Yanni … all stuck between her lovely thighs. There’s so much luxurious hair, going down on her would be like eating out Zach Galifianakis’ jaw line and/or Nala from The Lion King. Her vagina’s growth made Bob Ross’ afro weep at its power, beauty, majestic whimsy, so much so he wanted to put a happy tree there (that’s what she said).

And that’s the remake I want to see. Emma Stone as Demi Moore in Penthouse circa 1980. Not this stupid Spider-Man nonsense.

Sorry for ruining your lunch or making it better. And possibly ruining your childhood with the Lion King and Bob Ross references.

Until tomorrow!

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2 Responses to “NOTHING is happening in this world… EXCEPT this Spider-Man trailer did show up… I GUESS”

  1. Well that got weird.

    New Spider-Man is just old Spider-Man with a Dark Knight Instagram filter. I’m not impressed.

  2. Nix said

    So. I looked up those Demi Moore shots. Just for research purposes, you understand. Being a heterosexual female, I don’t have much necessity for looking at other ‘nice thatch’s’. And let me tell you I am not averse to au naturel. But… Dear god, is that normal?!?! How did ol’ Bruce find his way? No wonder he died hard. Repeatedly.

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