Well, No One Really Answered My Distress Call Yesterday Except This One Person

February 9, 2012

Happy Thursday!

I know that you don’t do everything I tell you to do, but seriously do this… click the following link…

http://littlefriendsphoto.com/index2.php#/gallery1/1/

CLICK IT!!!!

DID YOU CLICK IT!?!?!?!

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE CLICK THAT LINK!!!!

DID YOU CLICK IT YET?!?!?!?!?!

ARE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT THE LINK IS?!?!?!?!?!

IT’S HIGH QUALITY PHOTOS OF DOGS UNDERWATER!!!!!!

THEY LOOK AH-MAH-ZING!!!!!

THEY LOOK LIKE SHARKS OR ALLIGATORS OR WILD SEA CREATURES THAT I DON’T KNOW THE NAMES OF BECAUSE I DON’T WATCH ENOUGH OF NAT GEO, WHICH IF WE’RE BEING PERFECTLY HONEST HERE – WHO EVER EXPECTED THAT NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC WOULD HAVE EVER COME UP WITH A COOL ABBREVIATION FOR THEIR NAME AND/OR BEEN A COOL TV CHANNEL TO WATCH?!?!?!?!?!

I REMEMBER READING NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EITHER IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY THING THEY ALLOWED US TO READ OR AT A SHITTY DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND IT WAS THE ONLY SHIT THAT WAS LYING ON THE TABLE, BUT THEY WERE ISSUES FROM THE 1980’S AND EVERYTHING HAD A MICHAEL DUKAKIS ADVERTISEMENT ON IT.

PLUS, WHO WOULD’VE EVER GUESSED NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC WOULD’VE MADE FOR A GREAT TV NETWORK? I DIDN’T! CHRIST, THE ONLY THING THAT EVER STOOD OUT IN THOSE DAMN MAGAZINES WAS THE NUDE AFRICAN WOMEN THEY WERE HARASSING LIKE DAMN PAPARAZZI SNAPPING PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN AT THE BEACH! THERE’S GOT TO BE SOME AFRICAN TRIBESWOMEN WHOSE BARE BREASTS HAVE BEEN PHOTOGRAPHED MORE TIMES THAN PAMELA ANDERSON! EVERY DAMN ISSUE THERE WAS A 70 PAGE PICTORIAL LAYOUT OF THESE WOMEN STIRRING BOILING RICE WITH THEIR BOOBS SWINGING THIS WAY AND THAT. IF SOMEONE ASKED ME WHAT THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL WOULD BE, I WOULD’VE GUESSED, ‘IT’S LIKE PENTHOUSE – IF YOU WERE A MASSAI WARRIOR, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT’S WHAT YOU SEE EVERYDAY, SO IT WOULD SEE PRETTY LAME TO YOU – I’D GUESS.’

BUT!!!!! IT’S NOT! IT’S LIKE WILD HIGH DEFINITION SHOTS OF GIRAFFES AND LIONS AND SHARKS AND IT’S GREAT!!!!

ALSO, FUCKING NAT GEO?!?!?!?!?!

WHOEVER THOUGH THAT UP SHOULD GET A RAISE EVERY MONTH HE’S EMPLOYED FOR THAT DUMBASS COMPANY. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!? NAT GEO!!!! HOW COOL DOES NAT GEO SOUND?!?!?! IT SOUNDS INFINITELY COOLER THAN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. CHRIST, I NOD OFF HALF WAY THROUGH TYPING NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. SO BORING!!! BUT NAT GEO!!!! LET’S GET ON OUR SKATEBOARDS AND HEAD INTO THE FUTURE AND WATCH SOME TIGERS RUN AROUND AND SHIT (LITERALLY/FIGURATIVELY)!!!!

SO YEAH…

I’M NOT SURE WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

I’M NOT YELLING OR EXCITED ANYMORE, BUT I’M STILL TYPING IN ALL CAPS. I IMAGINE NO MATTER WHAT I SAY HERE YOU STILL PICTURE ME YELLING IT AT YOU. HUSH LITTLE BABY DON’T SAY A WORD, DADDY’S GONNA BUY YOU A SUBSCRIPTION TO NAT GEO, WHICH YOU WILL CUT UP AND TURN INTO COLLAGES FOR EVERY CLASS YOU HAVE FROM 1ST THROUGH 5TH GRADE. ALTHOUGH, IS THAT EVEN A THING ANYMORE? YOU CAN MAKE DIGITAL COLLAGES AND THEN JUST PRINT THAT SHIT OUT. HOW IS THERE EVEN A GLUE STICK OR CONSTRUCTION PAPER INDUSTRY ANYMORE? ARE HIPSTERS INTO BUYING EITHER OF THOSE PRODUCTS?

THESE ARE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE ABOUT.

AM I STILL YELLING TO YOU? IT’S JUST A TYPE SET. I’M NOT YELLING. IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE OF YOU TO ASSUME I’M YELLING JUST BECAUSE I’M USING ‘CAPS LOCK’. IT’S NO BIG DEAL. I’M ACTUALLY DOING YOU A SERVICE BY MAKING THE WORDS BIGGER AND CLEARER TO READ, SO IT SHOULDN’T BE ASSUMED I’M YELLING. IF ANYTHING, IT SHOULD BE ASSUMED I’M JUST ENUNCIATING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY WORD WRITTEN. LIKE, IT IS CRYSTAL CLEAR PRONUNCIATION.

OR I COULD SOUND LIKE A ROBOT. I COULD SEE THAT. OR WILL FERRELL WHEN HE CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE, BUT THAT’S NOT REALLY YELLING, BUT IT’S KIND OF YELLING. ANYWAY, YOU’RE NOT READING ANY OF THIS AS IF I’M CALMING WHISPERING THIS INTO YOUR EAR LIKE YOUR BLOG-VER AKA BLOGGER LOVER. ALL SEXY LIKE. AS IF BARRY WHITE WAS STILL ALIVE AND FELT THE NEED TO EXPRESS HIMSELF THROUGH THE ART OF BLOGGING AND NOT THROUGH VERSE AND SONG. YEAH, JUST AS SEXY. JUST WHISPERING INTO YOUR HEAD HOLES ABOUT AFRICAN TRIBESWOMEN’S TITTIES AND HOW COOL THE PHRASE NAT GEO IS AND HOW NONE OF US EVER CALLED IT THAT AND IT WAS STARING AT US RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE THE WHOLE TIME… BABY. YEAH, WHISPER THAT SHIT UP AND DOWN YOUR NECK. WHISPERING AND WHISPERING AND WHISPERING. I’M BARELY AUDIBLE AT THIS POINT. IT SOUNDS LIKE I’M MAKING CAT NOISES. I MEAN THE NOISES WE MAKE TO CATS TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM. JUST LITTLE NONSENSE SWISHY SOUNDS THAT CATS THEMSELVES DON’T MAKE, BUT WE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THAT TO THEM, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY THEY’RE SO DISTANT AS A SPECIES. THEY PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO HANG AROUND US BECAUSE WE’RE ALWAYS MAKING SUCH WEIRD ISHY NOISES AT THEM AND THEY DON’T LIKE THEM AT ALL. BUT THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING. AND NOW, I’M TALKING AT A NEAR SILENT LEVEL, WHICH ONLY A SONAR LIKE CONTRAPTION COULD PICK UP. AT THIS POINT, I’M REALLY ONLY DISTURBING THE MOLECULES IN THE AIR AND BARELY EVEN REGISTERING A SOUND FREQUENCY, BUT IT’S OH SO SEXY. I’M NOW TALKING EVEN LOWER. IT’S LIKE THE ABSOLUTE ZERO OF SOUND REGISTRY LIKE WHAT KELVIN WAS ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT, BUT WE’RE TALKING SOUND AND NOT TEMPERATURE BECAUSE MY BREATH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISINGLY HOT. I’VE BEEN DRINKING A LOT OF COFFEE AND NOW MY BREATH IS AS WARM AS A PUPPY’S AND THAT PUPPY MIGHT WANT TO GET ALL COOLED OFF BY JUMPING INTO THE POOL AND ONCE THAT PUPPY DOES THAT…

http://littlefriendsphoto.com/index2.php#/gallery1/1/

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS TAKING A HIGH QUALITY PICTURE OF IT!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Have a great rest of the day and until tomorrow when I see you next.

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4 Responses to “Well, No One Really Answered My Distress Call Yesterday Except This One Person”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan, now my head hurts. And I’ve told you before I don’t like dogs. Showing me pictures of them underwater doesn’t improve my attitude towards them.
    And I apologize for yesterday…. I meant to get into the news, but I got terribly distracted.

  2. And now this post is the greatest thing on the internet. The circle of life.

  3. nixhaw said

    Woo Hoo! Doggies! Underwater! Woo Hoo! I love you Jordan?

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