This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #WTF

February 10, 2012

Happy FRIDAY!!!!

FUCK YIZ-YAH!!!! IT’S THE WEEKEND!!!!

What a boring ass week of assness? Am I right? What is this bullshit week’s problem?

Hmmmm… what even happened this week?

Well, last night, 30 Rock fucked America once again by having an hour long episode resulting in Parks and Rec not being on the air.

WTF!

All I wanted was some funny and refreshing Parks and Rec to sweep away all my sadness and by sadness I mean boringness this week. But fucking 30 Rock needed a ONE HOUR episode. Why? I have a difficult time getting through 30 minutes of 30 Rock most weeks for the past couple years let alone an hour of it. Oh, am I supposed to want to see an hour of it because James Marsden is on? Riiiiiiight. Punk ass bitches taking away my Parks and Rec.

What was on next?

The Office! I did enjoy The Office for the most part. Kind of a slow episode because they were setting up the next episodes more. The best parts of the episode were two fold:

1. Craig T. Robinson. I don’t know if “T.” is Craig’s middle initial, but I’m sticking by that for this moment. Craig is always funny and the budding relationship between him and his new cast of warehouse co-workers is the best part of the show. I kind of wish there was a spin-off of that show where we just hung out with Craig in the warehouse dealing with the shit that they get into there.

2. Ellie Kemper’s boobs. Did you watch last night’s episode?! Not that they are particularly small in any way in other episodes, but for some reason they looked “enhanced” in last night’s episode, which was a real thrill for me and especially during this boring ass week. Also, Ellie has been great playing jealous over Ed Helms’ relationship throughout this season. Can’t wait to see what she gets into in this Florida arc… possibly the bigger looking boobs will stay.

WTF else happened?

I watched the Jersey Shore. First half of the episode was pretty boring. I still don’t know how Vinny and Pauly get two chicks to come back to their house to have sex with them, they sign a release to let their faces be shown on camera, and have the sex like an inch from each other. These girls that have sex with have got to be the biggest whores in all of Seaside. Seriously?! You are fucking a guy from Jersey Shore. You’re fucking him in a bed that is touching another bed where another Jersey Shore guy is fucking a girl you don’t know either. Crazy whores!

The least whorish person in Jersey Shore right now is J-Woww. She has the least amount of sex out of all of them and is in a committed relationship to Roger. She dresses whorey, but so does every other chick in Seaside bumping and grinding in those clubs. Who is the second least whorish? Sammi fucking “Sweetheart”. Committed relationship to Ronnie -no idea why – and that’s the fuck it. It doesn’t even seem like she leaves the house in most episodes. Also, these chicks have jobs. Not a particularly tough or many houred job, but a job nonetheless.

You could even say Snooki isn’t that whorey or at least this season, but she does seem real dirty. Just simply unclean. And Deena even more so.

As for the guys? I cannot hate The Situation for as much as I know I am supposed to. He’s too funny. He’s a sociopath, but he’s a sociopath who I don’t interact with, so I love him for it.

WTF else?

THE TREE OF LIFE?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

I watched the first 55 minutes of The Tree of Life last night and all I can say was that I wasn’t NEARLY HIGH ENOUGH for it. There is no way you should watch this movie not high. I’m not talking drunk. Being drunk and watching that movie wouldn’t be worth it. It’s not the type of skew you need to watch this. I had a slight high going because of the love of my life Ambien, but GOOD GOD IT WASN’T ENOUGH. You really need to be really high to at least watch the first 55 minutes of it.

I don’t know what the next hour or so has in store, but I would be SHOCKED to think you should be sober for it.

What happened in the first 55 minutes?

Well, almost no one spoke a word. I read articles about how Terrence Malick didn’t have a script and it was all improved and so forth and how Sean Penn got all pissy about that or whatever. But there was no need for a script because NO ONE SAID A FUCKING WORD! You don’t need to memorize lines when you HAVE NONE. I would venture to guess there were less than 2 minutes of dialogue over the course of that 55 minutes. The rest was color explosions and music. Not even Explosions in the Sky kind of music that has a story telling element… just music. Nice music, but music in general. Just some wandering symphony music and the explosions of color.

The movie starts with you meeting a family and they have three kids. Then fast forward to the future where Sean Penn is one of those kids and he’s thinking back about being one of those kids. Then we’re back in the past and one of the kids seemingly dies. How he dies? Well, I’m guessing the second hour explains that because instead of finding out how the kid dies… WE GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF MOTHERFUCKING TIME AND THE BEGINNING OF EXISTENCE!!! LIKE BIG BANG EXISTENCE!!!! Which then takes a detour and skips ahead to when THE DINOSAURS ROAMED THE FUCKING EARTH!!!! And then we see the asteroid hit the Earth and cause the ICE AGE!!!! And then it jumps to the period of time when Brad Pitt was putting babies into Jessica Chastain. Then we get another montage of them raising the three kids up until the time of life that one of them seemingly dies from something.

That’s the first 55 minutes of this movie.

I’m a huge Terrence Malick fan and I’ll watch the second half of this movie, but as of right now I feel like he’s trying to do a 2001: A Space Odyssey type of thing and I’m not into it.

Anyway, that’s what I did yesterday.

What did you do?

What are your plans for this weekend?

Can I come?

Is there room?

I’m 6’3″ or 6’4″, so I can’t sit in the trunk of your station wagon. I’ll need a window seat at the very least.

Will there be snacks provided? Or should I bring my own?

I will make a mix CD for this field trip if that’s needed.

This song will be on the mix…

And that’s that…

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope next week is better than this one.

I hope you have a dream where you are riding a dinosaur while shooting a laser gun and I’m there too riding along with you wielding lightsabers wearing a cowboy hat and a tuxedo jacket.

World peace.

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