The Grammys – I Can’t Name 5 Good Albums From 2011, But They Got An Awards Show Anyway

February 13, 2012

Happy Monday!

I hope you had an enjoyable weekend doing whatever you were doing and hopefully it was consensual. I spent much of my weekend fighting off the effects of booze, pancakes, and how comfortable couches are especially when you are wearing a pair of sweat pants and it’s cold outside. So… pretty much every weekend was like this past weekend for me. No football though and I’ll just say that because if I think about football for too long I get depressed like she was my favorite girlfriend who got hit by a bus in front of me while I was down on one knee asking her to be wife. It’s that bad. I don’t know why I thought proposing to her in the middle of the road was a good idea, but I just know I loved football and I couldn’t stand not being engaged to her any longer. Enough about football. I do have MMA/UFC which is like a hot stripper or bartender with big fake boobs as my new girlfriend, but she only seems me when she’s feeling horny and doesn’t like when I get clingy and want to take her to brunch or a movie. Basketball is floating around especially with Jeremy Lin, but at this point that is just like a flirty text relationship at best. I mean the playoffs don’t start until April something and that’s 2 months away. We’ll see if I can keep being clever with my tweets, facebook updates, “SMS” (whatever the hell that is iPhone) messages and same goes for her. Anyway… there’s definitely something lacking without football. But she will rise again like Lazarus at the end of the Summer and into the beginning of the Fall enchant me once again.

Now onto the…

GRAMMYS!!!!!

Whitney… Ray J… LL Cool J… me.

First and foremost, Whitney Houston died and I thought LL Cool J actually handled that incredibly well at the beginning of the Grammys. I watched two moments on the Grammys, the beginning intro with LL Cool J and his prayer, and I watched a bit near the end when the Foo Fighters and deadmau5 played at the same time, which was interesting, but stupid. I thought LL Cool J was a really random ass host choice for the Grammys considering he hasn’t put out new music in years as far as I’m concerned, but as far as I’m concerned the Grammys haven’t been relevant since I was in elementary school and before I lost my innocence thinking that award shows were giving awards to the actual BEST of that year – what a crazy kid I was. Anyway, I thought LL handled that delicate moment very well. Sure, some people might think a bunch of Godless heathens and mostly a Jewish entertainment jobbed audience praying would be hypocritical or simply dumb, but I think LL Cool J prays and licks his lips and believes it, so well done to that man.

As for Whitney, the internet has already done a wonderful job memorializing her.  From sending around videos and isolated solo tracks to her greatest recorded performances… well that’s actually all they needed to do. Whitney Houston was a singer and people are listening to her sing. No drama or personal struggle discussions about a woman most people never met, but just talking and listening to her voice. That’s all that needed to be done. Rewatch Whitney’s performance of the Star Spangled Banner at Super Bowl XXV – it will give you chills and most likely make you tear up.

So, that’s done. What’s next? Oh right! PICTURE TIME!!!!!! PICTURE TIME!!!!!!

RED CARPET ZANINESS!!!!!!!

W.O.W.

That seems about right. That’s Nicki Minaj dressed as Catherine Hardwicke’s Red Riding Rood 2: From the Streetz Yo! I give Nicki Minaj all the credit in the world for this ridiculous outfit. She went the full 9 yards or whatever for it. Not only is she dressed in this absurd outfit, but she did up her hair to match it, and, of course, she’s got some random ass old white man to play the fucking Pope with her. I didn’t know the Pope had anything to do with Red Riding Hood, but I didn’t see that new movie and maybe it’s in there and maybe Nicki Minaj is just a big bootied nut job. I do enjoy her as a human being physically and crazily. I’m kind of over her rapping though at this point. I haven’t heard a song of hers in a bit that I’ve enjoyed thoroughly.

Also, I’m not sure, but is that Whitney Houston on the dress? Did Nicki Minaj pay some day laborer or an old grandmother or some famous fashion designers poor intern who went to Vassar to spend all day and night on Sunday hand stitching and bedazzling the recently deceased voice of Newark, NJ’s face on the skirt of red dress? If so, I may have to propose to Nicki Minaj at a busy intersection like I do. Let’s get a better shot at this enigma’s face…

So that’s not Whitney Houston, is it? Uhhhh… Who is that? Is that Whitney? It doesn’t really look like Whitney. Is that Erykah Badu? I have no idea who that is. Did Nicki address who is on her dress?

Either way, what the fuck, Nicki? I didn’t watch the Grammys really, so she could’ve performed or changed outfits, but when I see Nicki Minaj I like to see her booty and her chesticles… actually that’s how I feel about 99% of the women out there in the world because I mean why not. I can still find out what your first dog’s name was and that you had a crush on Scott Baio until you were 22 even if your booty and booby is showing. I can ogle and listen at the same time.

I can see London, I can see France, I can see Fergie’s underpants.

This is the type of outfit I’m talking about. Seriously, well done, Fergie. Yes, you’re wearing a dress and, yes, you’re really only wearing underwear because that dress doesn’t cover anything – brilliant. I wish this was how Fergie always dressed. I also wish that she gave up singing and the Black Eyed Peas would slowly fade away like a vile fart after consuming nachos into the wind.

Juggs! Good GOD! It’s like she’s got elephantitis of the boobs and that’s absolutely the greatest disease of all time I’m guessing. They just get bigger and bigger. It must take everyone’s will power not to simply lunge and squeeze them like stress balls. Blue hair, black hair, pink hair – who care? I don’t. As long as she just keeps rubbing down her boobs slowly ever evening for an hour or two with coco butter. That’s what I imagine she does. From 8-9pm every night, Katy Perry sits at the edge of her bed or stands in front of a mirror in her bathroom just massaging those beauties with the world’s most expensive oils and luxurious butters. Nothing weird about that.

I can’t make fun of Taylor Swift. She looks too fragile. Like real fragile… like an actual “China doll”. That’s her, right? That isn’t just a life size replica made of the thinnest porcelain? She looks so young here too. Super young. Like younger than I’ve ever seen her look young. Also, she looks like she’s completely stiff like a statue. They should’ve given away Taylor Swift as the award instead of some stupid sousaphone or whatever. Did Adele win the top award? Give Taylor Swift to Adele anyway. Just do it. I mean they’re both just sitting around shitting on them men who hurt them anyway. Maybe they can take care of each other. I’d watch at least two episodes of that TV show – Adele and Taylor Swift living together.

Crazy. Hot. Crazy Hot.

What needs to be said about Rhianna? Nothing really. I mean I think I said it already with the crazy and the hot thing. If she wants to be with Chris Brown then let her. She seems to be about the only person who doesn’t care that he beat her and lord knows no sane man will try to take Rhianna away from Chris Brown because that would mean a never ending violent altercation with Chris Brown AS WELL AS Rhianna because she’s so crazy she would fight alongside with him.

What the Hell? Snooki, for a minute, could you not be “Snooki”? No? Ok. This is absolutely what I think Snooki looked like in whatever dance she first went to in middle school. I think she just dug this out of the closet and put it on.

How did she make it through security? Do you see the “guns” (not her boobs) on her? Also, do you see the “guns” (boobs) on her? I read she’s a Russian electronic artist and that’s exactly what I would think a Russian electronic artist would look like, so well done – whomever you are. She’s like a jacked Lady Gaga.

For such an emotional singer, Adele always looks vacant to me. Maybe she’s so spent from pouring it all out in her singing, but every picture of her looks like she’s possibly popping a valium a minute prior to it. I read she killed it singing last night, which isn’t surprising. She did have one of the 5 albums I could name from last year that I thought should win an award. Also, I do like all those dance remixes of her songs like everyone else with ears. I wish they would do videos for those songs, so I could see Adele dance. Yes, I want to see Adele dance. I want to see this bitch having fun instead of her crying around some empty apartment that has a grande piano. I also want her to wear a dress that isn’t part turtleneck. Let’s see a little cleavage, Adele. I mean look at Aretha Franklin for a minute – can you see her? The woman is like 100 or something and she shows off about as much booby as bikini model and we still r-e-s-p-e-c-t her for her voice. Let Aretha give you some fashion advice – cleavage never goes out of style.

Jessie J kind of looks like Rosario Dawson, which is definitely a good thing. Also, she wrote and recorded the best Katy Perry song “Domino”. Every time that damn song starts playing on the radio I think to myself, “Another new Katy Perry song? Hmmm… this one sounds pretty good though. Maybe you are a talented pop singer and not just a heavenly pair of… did she just sing something about a ‘domino’? DAMN IT! You did it to me again, Jessie J.” Anyway, I do like that song and I do think it sounds IDENTICAL to Katy Perry, but it’s better.

Kelly’s face looks less Sepia, her hair is just as purple/silver, but she looks more normal at this awards show than the last. What was the last one she was at? I can’t remember which is which anymore. But she looked older than her own mother and Kathy Griffin. Hmmmm… anyway. I imagine if I listened to Kelly talk I would want to drive a spike through my head just as much as I did when her family had their reality show, but she has grown up to be a lot sexier than I would have ever expected. She’s kind of this two step forward one step back thing with her muddying up her face no reason and the hair color choice that makes her seem like a crazy old drunk woman, but what the Hell do I know. Maybe that’s the “in” thing to do in England. Is she even in England? Can I still blame England? Is she just living in Los Angeles and coming up with these crazy ideas there? I don’t know. One day… one day soon… Kelly Osbourne is going to do a photo shoot for Maxim or something and it will set fire to all my previous thoughts about her.

I have got to love Swizz Beatz now and for always because he lasso-ed himself Alicia Keys. Way to go hombre. He should go in a Hall of Fame for Men because of this. I don’t know who I would’ve guessed would end up with Alicia, maybe an athlete, but I wouldn’t have guessed Swizz Beatz. I love it. Good luck to Swizz. She is a beautiful and talented woman. I would carry pepper spray and a stun gun if I was Swizz because I bet dudes just hit on Alicia right in front of Swizz. I wouldn’t try to fight those men … BEFORE I pepper spray and stun gun them. This isn’t a sport, holmes. If you’re hitting on my lady in front of me then anything goes. Try and be the bigger man when your eyeballs be burning and I’m zapping you in the nuts with 10,000 volts of handheld lightning!

He’s a psychotic. He wants to legalize all drugs. That’s the truth. Tony Bennett said in light of Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, and Whitney Houston dying from seemingly drug overdose that we should legalize all drugs. From the article I read, it didn’t sound like he was being sarcastic. I don’t understand his line of zero-logic in the least bit. He added that they were getting their drugs prescribed to them by doctors and weren’t going to drug dealers for them as well. Ok. And what does that have to do with legalizing drugs? How about in light of all these drug overdoses… we should really crack down on drug use even more… or if the doctors are to blame then crack down more on how they prescribe these drugs to their patients. Why legalize all drugs? The man is a crazy person and he’s an old crazy person, so why are we asking him about anything? Just keep crooning the same songs you’ve been crooning for 150 years and keep your policing policies to yourself, Tony.

Even for a guy like Adam Levine who is constantly trying to prove how “straight” he is, this is a bit fucking much. Everything about Adam Levine is kind of gay. His music, the way he looks, how he acts, but he’s supposedly straight and banging this blonde model and she’s basically just showing her vagina to everyone saying “this is where he sticks it”. I’m all for indecency, but you kind of want to keep your vagina a little covered. I mean this is the Grammys and all and these people are the cleanest, I’m sure picking up a UTI from having your vagina touch the same seat that Lil’ Wayne was just sitting in is a real problem like every second you’re there.

Looks like deadmau5 got dressed in his tuxedo mouse head. Was he nominated for something? Is there a best DJ category? Honestly, at this point there should be. I do like deadmau5 or some of the things he’s done. I really didn’t like the “help” he provided on Foo Fighter’s “Rope”. I thought that sounded kind of atrocious. Either way, I would have hated sitting behind deadmau5… actually I wouldn’t have cared that I couldn’t see the stage if he let me have some of the drugs he must be on now and always.

This is possibly the only picture of Robyn that evening where her vagina wasn’t showing. What kind of outfit is this? Are those Timberlands? I sincerely hope she is this crazy and put this together and not that she paid someone to put this together for her. If she did… WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO BE AN ASSHOLE FASHION DESIGNER?! I can think of this shit too. I can dress you up to look like a fucking idiot just as good as someone else.

Looks like Jennifer Aniston. Doesn’t she? That’s not a bad thing because Jennifer Aniston is a great looking lady. She just doesn’t look like Julieanne Hough and Ms. Hough is a great looking lady in her own right. But she does look like she just walked out of a Friends poster.

I fucking love it. I love David Guetta. I love all the things that he chooses to do in his life. Every choice he makes is a beautiful and perfect one in my opinion – including this lady who is his wife and also took his last name. She’s a really good looking woman and all, but the thing I like the best is she looks possibly normal and that she is wearing this wild outfit because she’s going to an awards show with her crazy ass husband and she has to match him or he chose this for her like, “hey honey, do you want to wear that all black leather jump suit I got you for your birthday last year that you don’t wear and those yellow ruffle high heels I got you as well that you don’t wear?” and she’s like sure because it’s his big night and she loves him and now they’re on my top ten list of favorite couples ever.

Do you remember her? Her from last year’s Grammy’s when she destroyed the hearts of everyone ever? She’s back! Do you remember her name? I do. It is ingrained in my brain forever because of last year’s Grammys. Do you remember it though? Every hip person on Earth tried to justify her winning that award of Sir Bieber, but do they even remember who she is now? Did she come out with a new album that no one listened to this year or did she show up to just dig that knife in even deeper to the backs of all the broken hearted people from last year? She is very very pretty though. More pretty than Sir Bieber and he’s actually pretty pretty himself.

I was happier when I didn’t know what Skrillex was or looked like. I’m going to go back to pretending that Skrillex is some artificial intelligence DJ machine in an abandoned basement in Stockholm instead of this dude dressed in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo cosplay.

Why the fuck not? I would too. If I was black and a rapper or an athlete, I would date Amber Rose for that 3 month window that she gives black athlete/rappers as well. Why the eff not? As for Wiz… well… he still hasn’t proven me wrong with being a one hit wonder yet in my opinion. I have heard a few other songs from him, but they’re nothing special. “Black and Yellow” was incredible and will live on forever, but Wiz should get real comfortable with people taking bathroom breaks during any live performance of any other song.

Since Seal and Heidi Klum broke up, Ice-T and Coco have entered the top 10 favorite celebrities couples on Earth for me. I also just threw David Guetta and his wife Cathy in there too, so I’ve got to re-think this list. But I love Coco and Ice-T. Did everyone see that picture of Coco nekkid with her new born nephew? What in the Hell was that about? I don’t know, but I love it. Ice-T is an incredible man who was one of the first, if not the first in some people’s opinions, gangster rappers, he was unquestionably an actual pimp, helped create rap-rock (for good or for bad), has indoctrinated himself into the American television world as a working actor for about a decade, and he settled down and married COCO. He’s a hysterical individual and I hope the two of them have a lasting marriage. It warms my heart knowing these two are out there possibly eating breakfast together and discussing stupid shit like the rest of us.

I don’t know who or what this is.

I don’t know who or what this is.

Sammy Hagar looks taller than usual. Val Kilmer should seriously release what his daily routine is and has been for the past 5 years, so that people know that you shouldn’t do it. Good God! What’s that bullshit about men aging gracefully? Hey ladies, this dude was the cat’s pajamas for almost 20 years and now look at his ass. Last night, the movie The Saint was on and I can’t even flip it on for a second because it would literally drive me to tears knowing this is how that man turned out. How cruel life and possibly eating chocolate pudding all day with rum & cokes can be? So cruel. Also, I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that I look better than Val Kilmer and be serious about it, but with little doing by myself – I think I’m more attractive than Val Kilmer at this point.

Why the fuck not, Rebecca Black? Looking good too. You squeeze every fucking second out of that 15 minutes of fame. And get knocked up by a Jonas brother or something while you’re there. Keep that career going.

Quick story: I saw Tia in person once. Gorgeous. Her husband was quite effeminate. I didn’t know what to say to Tia, so I didn’t say anything. Then I came home to Philly and my buddy said to me, “Did you ask her about ‘Crucial Taunt’?” And I was like, “FUCK!!!! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID!” I don’t know if Tia gets that a lot or at all, but if I had a shot at sleeping with Tia Carrere then it probably would have started with a conversation referencing something like Crucial Taunt. And what was her husband going to do about it? Help me go buy a better wardrobe? Actually, that would’ve been nice too.

This brought a tear to my eye. I want to watch you on TV! GET ME THAT SHOW BACK! Usually I just sigh uncontrollably when I see a picture of Alison Brie, but with Community gone it is difficult to see any of the cast members and claw at the ground screaming, “WHY NBC?! WHY?!”

Skylar Grey… what is this shit? I didn’t know this is what she looked like. C’mon lady. You know that you could look better if you didn’t TRY to look weird. Also, I’m not sure what the deal with Skylar is anyway. She sang “Love the Way You Lie”, but then Rhianna sings it in that Eminem song or something. I don’t know or really care. I heard that song so many damn times I hope I never hear it again.

Someone needs to test Pat Smear for HGH. HE’S HUGE! Look at him. What the Hell? He looks like Barry Bonds.

I love the Foo Fighters and even more so love Dave Grohl. So, all I wanted to say is that Pat Smear looks like he could possibly be the man behind the skeleton mask of La Parka the luchador “chairman of the WCW”. If you get that reference then I’m willing to at least marry you for 6 months to a year.

..

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Ok here it is…

Happy Monday!

4 Responses to “The Grammys – I Can’t Name 5 Good Albums From 2011, But They Got An Awards Show Anyway”

  1. tiffanized said

    I don’t understand this “DJ as a star” thing. I guess Skrillex is a DJ, I don’t know. I’m a little worried about even saying that because I get this vibe that Skrillex fans are like Ron Paul supporters, only with better hairdos. Not only did I know what Skrillex looked like, there is a whole subset of girls who try to look like him. I’m all for looking however you want but Jesus, give it your own spin or something.

    So many times last night I said “Has everyone lost their fucking mind?” The only sane thing was Adele winning Grammys. They could have made it a ten minute show, just a YouTube video of Whitney Houston singing “The Greatest Love of All” followed by Adele accepting all the awards and wheeling them offstage in a hand truck. FIN.

  2. tiffanized said

    Also Rihanna and Alicia Keys are wearing the same shoes which look like the inverse of peep toes. If I wore those shoes those three exposed toes would keep escaping off the side, probably because I weigh more than those two women put together.

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