Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s DAY!

February 14, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s Day!

That’s right. You read that right. I’m 28 GOD DAMN years old and I’ve never met a “Valentine” in my life. I don’t know any “Valentine” Jackson or any “Valentine” Schumacker. And I don’t know any fat, little children, who dress like Socrates, and are out bow hunting. On top of that, they wouldn’t have any GD-ing wings neither. Who knows any kids with wings? I don’t! I’ve met some interesting little kids, but any none of them look like their daddy could’ve been part eagle. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what I know.

Valentine’s Day? VALENTINE’S DAY?! I know one damn “Valentine” and we’re going to talk about him.


I hope we’re talking about Bobby Valentine and not no chubby nekkid baby. Listen here, Bobby Valentine was a professional baseball player from 1969-1979. A few years after his journeyman career ended, Valentine began managing baseball teams, which started in 1985 with the Texas Rangers, famously continued with the New York Mets, and recently was selected as the manager for the Boston Red Sox starting this coming season.

I mean look at what this moh-tha-foq-ker accomplished! It’s all up in his wiki-everything-about-yo-ass-in-life-in-small-paragraphs-fo-easy-reading-pedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Valentine

ALSO! Bobby Valentine has said he invented “wraps”.

Yeah I said it! I fucking said IT!

That man! Right there! Invented those damn WRAPS! He’s a damn GENIUS! All flatbread rolling up your food for easy eating instead some crumbly ass, food sliding out the sides and shit, toasty pieces flaking off on your shirt and shit, stupid ass bread slices. I mean every punk bitch is eating those damn bread slices until he turned the sandwich industry on its damn head and showed us trick ass marks that we can eat a turkey, lettuce, tomato, some cheese, a little bacon, maybe some honey mustard, maybe a little hot sauce for some flavor… in a damn WRAP!

WRAPS! The motherfucker literally made something better than sliced bread. WRAPS! Of course, we should be celebrating this mofo. Wraps. He also did all that other ish in baseball and is still doing it with the Boston Red Sox this year. I mean what else has this MAN have got to do to get the respect of a nationally recognized holiday like (Bobby) Valentine’sDay?!

So, when you go out to lunch today. Have a wrap. Choose wrap for Valentine’s Day for the greatest Valentine of them all – Bobby V.

Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s Day!

I love each and everyone of you reading this with the tips of my fingers that are typing this craziness to the brain that thinks this shit up to the heart that keeps beating and waking me up every GOD DAMN morning to write this. I hope you all have a great day on this day and tomorrow when people aren’t trying to shove pink, red, and white M&M’s down your throat.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


2 Responses to “Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s DAY!”

  1. I sense a bit of unresolved hostility here, Jordan. VDay is not that angst-worthy, although kudos for your creative use of profanity! You do make me smile, even on stinkin’ VDay, which is really just a made-for-retail holiday..so Bobby Valentine’s Day it shall be! …but maybe all the chocolate makes everything ok? Yes, yes it does! ‘specially when delivered in a mud slide….
    mmmmmm….that’s just what you need tonite, sweetie, a yummy mud slide with gobs of chocolate! Go, go put some chocolate and alcohol together and relax, it’s almost over! Thanks for waking up every GD morning to write this shit for me!

  2. nixhaw said

    So. My sister got engaged this VDay….

    Yep, I puked too.

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