DATING TIPS from KSWI and Hollywood movie “This Means War”
February 21, 2012
Happy Fat Tuesday aka Mardi Gras!
Happy another day for the people who get drunk everyday on Bourbon street in New Orleans to get drunk, but this time more people will be getting drunk with them than last Tuesday when they were getting drunk with only the other people who have a daily blackout drinking problem! Woooooo!
Happy day before the day when some of your co-workers show up to work looking like a jackass with a dirty smudge on their forehead, but you can’t laugh at them because that’s apart of their religion, but what if apart of my religion was that I got to point out who looks like a jackass when they look like a jackass, huh, you ever think of that aka Ash Wednesday!
Happy everything, I suppose. I’m back to posting. I had a little run-in with the law on Friday and by “law” I mean I was too busy writing articles that I had procrastinated writing and that took up my Friday noon time activities. As for Monday, well that was Presidents’ day and I observed that holiday by drinking beer at breakfast and laying on a couch. That’s how the past Presidents would have wanted it – read a book.
Over the extended weekend, I did see a stand-up comedian perform – Bill Burr. The man is hysterical. I did know that going in and that’s why I bought the tickets. His opener brought Bill to the stage with a pseudo-hyperbolic introduction saying that Bill Burr was the best stand-up comedian today. Now, Bill joked about that saying what an asshole his opener was for setting the bar that high that he could never reach it, but it made me think how far off the guy wasn’t. I think the funniest person alive is/was Dave Chappelle. I don’t know if the current state of Dave Chappelle is really a working Dave Chappelle, but the Chappelle that was a stand-up comedian and TV comedian up until his quick departure after the 3rd season of his Comedy Central show – that man was the funniest man on the EARTH. I think the next three funniest working stand-up comics were/are Patrice O’Neal, Louis C.K. and Bill Burr. Sadly, Patrice died recently and that’s a shame in a million ways because that man made me laugh in ways that caused me to pull muscles. That leaves Louis C.K. (alive, working, healthy) and Bill Burr. So, the guy wasn’t too far off. Also, up there is Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan, Zach Galifianakis, Brian Posehn, Sarah Silverman, and well dozens of others. Anyway… Bill Burr had me crying from laughter within the first 10 minutes of his act.
That was the upside of the weekend, the downside was seeing This Means War.
I wasn’t dragged to see the movie and, in fact, I was the one who suggested seeing it. I am addicted to seeing movies in the theaters and have been for over a decade now, so I’ve seen some shitty movies and This Means War is just another one I’ve seen. Was it the worst I’ve seen? Hardly. Was it worth seeing? Hardly. If you’re bored one night and it’s on Netflix and you have a thing for watching good looking people interact on screen and you don’t feel like paying attention to what they’re saying or doing and you’re already pretty good and drunk on wine or vodka (like I was at the theater) or absinthe or something else then watch the movie – who cares? It’s not like you’re hurting anyone.
If you’re not familiar with the movie – it’s about Chris Pine (played Captain Kirk in the newest Star Trek and is McDreamy) and Tom Hardy (British guy in Inception or the bulkier brother with the 1000 yard stare in Warrior and is McSteamy) are C.I.A. spies who are best hetero friends and end up trying to date the same hapless woman, Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde15 years later). The movie spent most of the time giving out their own dating advice about wooing a woman especially a woman you know is currently being wooed by another man. This is all A game material for dating. This is what I learned from the movie and this is what you should take verbatim into your own dating life…
1. 10 minute dates are all the rage
Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon find each other on a dating website. They schedule what appears to be a “pre-first-date date”. The two meet at a bar where I guess they’re both so insanely paranoid about the other that they literally meet for half a dozen minutes to test the waters if they want to go a full hour with each other the next time. We know the date was this damn short because Reese leaves the extended hello to go to a video store where she runs into Chris Pine who was shadowing Hardy’s 5 second date just in case it went poorly and needed an out. Hardy gives Pine the signal he can leave, but he’s still there when Reese and Hardy’s date actually ends, which means they talked for a solid 30 more seconds. What a date?! How about if your plans are only to watch a movie by yourself this evening, and we’re both sitting here at a bar that serves food, and we’re perfectly cool to see each other on another date – how about we actually go on a date this very second? No! Good God, No! You don’t want to rush things like that. That’s crazy talk.
2. Video stores still exist
WHO KNEW?! This movie doesn’t take place in 1997 either. It’s now! And there are video stores?! Still?! I’m going to go NOT find one because everything a video store once was is now online at the touch of my fingertips. Well, I guess there is one thing you can’t do – leer at women in person because apparently super models hang out at video stores. So, actually you should go find a video store if you want to date super models because that’s where they spend their free time. Maybe no one has taught them how to use computers yet.
3. Stalking is a good way to get a first date
Chris Pine cyber stalks Reese Witherspoon to find out where she works and then shows up there and is a dick to her until she wants to call security, but he says he will peacefully leave if she goes out on a date with him and she says yes. There you go fellas. That’s how the pro’s operate. Go get them! I’m sure that is a 100% fool proof maneuver. Meet a girl randomly, investigate her on the interwebs and find out her place of employment, the next day miraculously appear there, harass her in front of a group of women, and lay down the ultimatum of date me or things could get worse… BOO-fucking-YAH you’ve got a first date! Woooo!!!! Bitches love being stalked.
4. Good first date
Tom Hardy takes Reese Witherspoon to a boardwalk carnival, which is seen as an excellent first date. The truly memorable moment of the date where Tom Hardy steals his first kiss is moments after they break into a circus tent and perform high wire acrobatics using a couple of the swings. After they successfully or I mean after you and your date successfully complete a maneuver where the man hangs upside down from one swing and then you hang upside down from the other and then you two catch arms and swing together – you should both fall gracefully down to the net below and share your first kiss.
5. Bad first date
Pick up your special lady in an Audi two-seater convertible dressed like a dapper, sex machine in a three piece suit, take her to the most popular and exclusive bar in the city, walk past the line and right in because you know everyone there, and set up a private table for two in the VIP area with champagne. That’s about the WORST fucking idea ever! NO GIRL OR GUY WANTS THAT! Are you a fucking idiot?! What LOSER would want to ever date a LOSER that could do all that just for a first date? I mean seriously, you would have to be a real fucking moron to date a rich and cool person who has an in at the trendiest place in town. Only a real piece of shit would think that is a good first date. Thanks, This Means War.
6. Decision Making
If you’ve got a tough decision to make between who you want to date between two people that you just met last week… make sure to set a deadline no further down the line than another week. I mean a decision like that should be rushed. You don’t want to agonize over a decision like who between two seemingly perfect people which one do you want to date and which one do you want to burn a bridge with. Just set a short time period like 7 days and then make a kneejerk reaction decision on which one is right for you.
7. Follow-up Dates
Over the next week of initially meeting someone, you will want to go all-in (that’s what she said) as far as showing them the greatest time of all time because that’s usually how dating is. A couple of suggestions – go classic muscle car racing. Just get your hands on a classic muscle car preferably a convertible and let this person you’ve only had dinner with once drive it as fast as they want for the hell of it. I’m not exactly sure how you rent one of those, so you might as well buy it for the date. That’s perfectly reasonable when another date idea is to find out this near stranger’s favorite painter and then going and rounding up a special viewing of their collective works in the back of a museum. I’m sure that’s easy enough to do. I mean how difficult could that possibly be to pull off. If you’re still wondering what to do after that then of course the next couple dates can either be paintball or going to an animal shelter and buying a dog. This all seem perfectly reasonable especially someone you met well within the past lunar cycle.
8. When All Else Fails…
Take this person to meet your extended family for the day. That sounds exactly like something you should do, right? No one could possible help you out on a date better than your FAMILY. RIGHT?! THAT MAKES A TON OF SENSE, RIGHT?! Hey, person I’ve been on 4 dates with in the past 9 days – how about let’s meet my family for a whole day?
Following this amazing date, you should definitely expect…
EXACTLY!!!!!! Am I fucking right? Nothing gets a person hotter than them meeting your biological family. It just makes them wet in the pantaloons like soaking through their jeans wet just dripping everywhere just sopping wetness on every chair they sit on. Is that your grandmother who raised you because your parents died when you were 10 in a car crash? It is? I can’t wait to have your stiff penis inside me – that’s so damn hot! GET IN ME ALREADY!
So, that’s what I learned about dating from This Means War.
You learn other things to in the movie like if you have kept it a secret for years that you slept with your best buddy’s ex-wife and all of a sudden the two of them are finally back together and happy – you should totally tell him that you put your dick in her. That is the only sane thing to do.
Also, for those that have seen it… I would take Abigail Spencer over Reese Witherspoon any day of the week to begin with, so Tom Hardy wins out there.