Did You Watch The OSCARS?! Because Who Gives A Flying Fuck.

February 27, 2012

Happy Monday!

Wooooooo!!!! Nothing is better than a Monday. A new week of work or pretending like you work or feeling shitty about yourself because you don’t work or really just another week of spinning around on this rock in space and worrying if Robert Griffin III will get drafted first in the NFL because he ran a sub 4.4 40 yard dash. It’s just all so overwhelming at times and when it is overwhelming I’ll think about such historic events as the annual Oscars, which is one of 657,849,032,141,234 events in which something that doesn’t deserve notoriety or an award wins or has the chance to win a bunch of them, but the Oscars are a little different because the 1% attending it dress their fanciest. Wooooo!!!!

Also, I saw this picture over the weekend…

Photobucket

I have no idea what this picture is from, but it has brought some minor joy in my life.

First and foremost, I’m guessing this is from a movie. Is it? Is this a screenshot of a movie? The only reason I think it isn’t from a movie is that everyone in the picture including Fake Edward Cullen looks way too normal. Like really normal normal. I’ve seen some trailers and posters and such for some of British Bobbie Boy’s movies and he never looks normal in them. Never. He’s either in a period piece or looks like he is on his period. Every still shot I saw for Remember Me was Rob about to cry, crying, or in the process of calming down from crying, which in the grand scheme of things was the preface before another cry. Back to my original thought, I think this is from a movie because he’s an actor, but I’m really hoping this is from real life.

Why do I want this to be from real life so bad? In my mind, this girl is flipping off Rob because she’s crazy and thinks if she flips off him she’s flipping off his character from the Twilight books. That would be super funny to me. And, in all honesty, I don’t think she’s far off from the truth. He’s not a vampire, but outside of that – he’s kind of Ed. To the people who are infatuated with these books and these movies, who have bought hook, line, and sinker that he is the physical embodiment of the character – that’s about 90% of the equation right there. The other 10% is the emotional abuse that Ed puts these readers/movie goers through as Rob is always there, but never really there for them. Plus, in the end, he chose Kristen Stewart/Bella over them the reader/Bella like he was supposed to. Or she could be flipping him off because she is one of the book lovers, but movie haters because the movies are God awful pieces of shit and she hates him for being apart of making these horrible movies. Or she could be just some chick who knows way too much about both the movies and the books and not being a fan of either and is just sickened by her gender’s psychosomatic crush on this rando that she felt the need to give him the ole’ sign language “go fuck yourself”.

So, in her head, she’s flipping off that jackass for anyone of those reasons and it makes me happy.

Oh right?

OSCARS’ RED CARPET!!!!

Photobucket

I don’t recognize the hair, but I would recognize those boobs and shapely arms anywhere – Viola Davis. I think the only movie I have seen Viola in is Doubt and in Doubt she plays a mother of a gillion years old in one scene against Meryl Streep who plays a nun of a quad-giilion-double-dragon-million years old. Needless to say, I was shocked the first time I saw Viola out and about and she’s got a rack on her that no doubt is so powerful it must rip through 2 pairs of t-shirts a week and has a set of guns on her that would easily beat me in an arm-wrestling contest (I would also be really distracted by her boobs if we arm-wrestled… the only way I would have a fighting chance is if we competed blind folded or if we each stuck our arms through glory holes and met our hands in the middle and could not see one another because of that… that would be the only way it would be close to fair). I’m not sure what movies are being made or up for grabs or what movie at all this is applicable to – but if someone out there doesn’t put this woman in a cleavage spandex/latex suit as a superhero or alien with super powers or an angelic creature that has to fight a demon horde or something then you’re seriously wasting natural talents – talents of nature!

Photobucket

On the left is Sandra Bullock’s face and, on the right, is Sandra Bullock’s butt.

Thank you, Sandra.

Photobucket

FUCK! I bet her weasily piano playing husband just sat at home jerking it to still photos of Tina at the Oscars. I imagine their relationship more like Dracula and Igor than husband and wife. Her nearly floating around their house/chateau/rented apartment in shoulderless dresses with cleavage pouring out for miles, while he scurries around like an orangutang in a diaper and an oversized work shirt spewing his bodily fluids of lust into the corners of each room she is in and then once every two hours she yells, “Dance, monkey!” and he quickly runs to the piano to play some ragtime on the ivories while she has phone sex with the sexiest Latino actors from Telemundo.

Too much.

Either way, I don’t know who the one person out there is that’s not buying that Tina is crazy attractive – but will they finally buy into it, so we can move on with Tina writing some comedy that isn’t a lie like “I don’t know why no guys want me, I guess I’ll just eat crackers. Zing!” You’re hot. Get over it.

Photobucket

I already wanted to hug Christopher Plummer and rub my face on his shoulder while I did it, but if he was wearing that jacket at the time of that happening then they would need the jaws of life to extract me from him/the jacket. It looks so soft and hugglable… the jacket… and Christopher Plummer. I bet he smells like my balls on their best day – a natural musk, an unnatural sweetness like Splenda, a little sweat, dry skin, Irish Spring soap, bourbon, and fresh leather.

Photobucket

Penelope Ann Miller? I guess it really isn’t that difficult to go to the Oscars. Is there just a form you fill out online? An application process? Am willing to act like these movies were really great and excited that these people are deserving of more accolades? Things I know of Penelope Ann Miller was crazy hot for a period of time, still looking good, John Leguizamo said she was the biggest bitch, I believe John isn’t too far off, in some good movies.

Photobucket

MILLA! A little more relevant than Penelope, but I’m not too sure why Milla is there either. Nothing against her as an actress or being drop dead beautiful for all of her life, but she did marry one of the worst directors in the history of directing Paul W.S. Anderson, so fuck her for that. Fuck her for letting him have access to her naked body. That just seems like a treason against humanity that he was gifted that in life as well as a very financially successful career in filmmaking in which he has only made shitty movies.

Photobucket

Why not? I love it. Ellie Kemper is excellent. Looking really good too. Her dress makes me want to have sex with a pile of leaves that Ellie Kemper is in.

Photobucket

Oh no, Jean dujardindepardeaurobertobenigni won the Oscar. What will George Clooney ever do?

I don’t know. Maybe go home and have amazing sex with Stacy Keibler for however long he feels like in one of his many mansions! I’m pretty sure he’ll get over it.

Photobucket

Am I supposed to know who this is? She looks adorable though. Was she part of the gift bags or something? You may have not won an Oscar, but will give you this parting gift of an expensive watch, some top of the line lotions, a bottle of Johnny Walker blue label, and the cutest Asian girl we could find.

Photobucket

Are you telling me that the guy who has made his career on doing whacky shit in public did something whacky on the red carpet while dressed in character for his upcoming feature film? How unexpected and hilarious!

I love Sacha, but who give a fuck. Apparently, everyone watching, but me. I wasn’t watching, so I guess I don’t count anyway.

Two lovely ladies with him… even though his wife is even more lovely. I think the greatest prank he could pull is just showing time and time again that he is fucking Isla Fisher and make everyone furious about that. Yes, my career is playing one of three racist/ignorant jackasses and yes I have this sexy minx as my wife. Better than spilling sand and baby powder or whatever that was on Ryan Seacrest.

Photobucket

I wonder what lucky man got to go home with that thigh. Oh right, Brad Pit. I did see the clip of Dean Pelton and that other comedic character actor make fun of Angelina Jolie for standing the way she did. I’m glad she did it. For a minute there, I forgot that she’s a sex monster and her flashing her thighs, having her hair teased out like she had sex in the limo, and her boobs peaking out reminded me.

Photobucket

That’s Jason Segel. What’s up?

I just wanted to point out how stupid bow ties are. I’ve worn a bow tie a few times over the past few years, and even learned how to tie them and everything. At no point did I gain an appreciation for bow ties. I think they’re stupid, look stupid, and should be treated as such and never worn unless making fun of how stupid bow ties are. If you’re wearing a bow tie – at best you look like a chippendale dancer and at worst or almost always you look like a jackass. If you’re a black guy then you also could look like a stripper, a jackass, or a Farrakhan muslim. Great options.

Photobucket

This photo made me so fucking happy. It confirmed what I had been thinking all along – Louis Gossett Jr. is a jedi knight! WOOOOO!!!! I told you, Mom and Dad! I told you! IRON EAGLE FOREVER!!!!!

Photobucket

The woman on the right is Natalie “the love of every sane man’s life who is within the ages of 23 – 35” Portman and on the right is OUR SWORN ENEMY!!!!!

It’s probably part dress, part her having a kid and her boobs filled with life enriching milk, but Natalie’s got some boobs for the first time and she looks amazing as always now with bigger boobs.

Photobucket

Is John Corbett fucking Bo Derek?

Is John Corbett now on my list of men I think are the greatest men on Earth?

Photobucket

Hey girl. Not sure why Cameron Diaz is at this awards show. Did Bad Teacher get nominated? She looks good or at least looks a lot better than the last time we saw at a club being yelled at by P. Diddy… oh wait… I think I saw a picture of him in this gallery. So, why is he at the Oscars? Did he buy the ticket off of the kid fromHugo?

Either way, look past Cameron to your left as you are looking at this. There are these two blonds back there and the one on the left looks like she’s making pig noises and the one on the right thinks she’s famous. So cute.

Photobucket

Looking good J. Lo. I heard she was feeling good too and let a nipple pop out on stage to make that perfectly clear to everyone. I hope that happened. Either way, no idea why she is at this awards show.

Photobucket

I hate these tissue paper or whatever that is dresses, but from the waist up Kristen Wiig is looking good – real good. I hope she got some sex last night with two people – mff or mfm. I don’t care, but she’s looking so good she shouldn’t waste it just on one person.

Photobucket

Dear Kate Mara,

You are beautiful. You have big beautiful breasts as well. Please stand like that.

Sincerely,

Professor JB Money Cakes aka Jordan Newmark

Photobucket

Yes. I think this is the best Rooney has looked at any of the award shows I have seen red carpets for, which has been a shit ton. She looks like she should’ve been in The Artist in this outfit. Like the classiest prostitute I could have bought to go to a prohibition era ball hosted by some Italian mobster. That’s a good look for her. I like it.

Also, perpetual “hot mess” Meryl Streep was given an Oscar for no apparent reason instead of Rooney. Sorry Rooney. You live in a world where people just cannot stop giving awards to Meryl Streep for whatever she does. I’m pretty sure Rooney was nominated, but she should’ve won or Charlize or someone not named Meryl Streep.

Photobucket

If he doesn’t play a serial killer in a movie soon then he will probably become a real serial killer in life. I haven’t seen a single picture of Jonah Hill at one of these awards shows where my immediate thought isn’t “there are dead girls in shallow graves in his backyard”. If he doesn’t remind you of Norman Bates in this picture then you don’t know who Norman Bates is.

Photobucket

Best picture!

I read that Bret won and that’s cool. I’m glad for him. He is a talented and funny man and wish him the best in all his endeavors.

I’m not saying a bad word about this man if that’s what you want. How dare you.

Photobucket

I never noticed that Maya Rudolph had a set of bazookas on her until I saw Idiocracy. I watched Saturday Night Live pretty regularly and never noticed that. I always thought she was talented and such, which is cool. But then she plays a prostitute in Idiocracy and she’s wearing all these slutty clothes and I was like Paul Thomas Anderson is a damn genius! I thought he was one before, but he became a double genius at that point. Look at them! Breathtaking. Exquisite. Well done. Congratulations and all that. Also, I’m glad Up All Night is on Thursdays at 9:30. I kept forgetting to watch it on Wednesdays and the show is pretty good. More often than not it is good. Love her and Jason Lee as a couple on the show too.

Photobucket

I’ve talked a lot about this lady on this website already, so I’ll just keep it to – if I gave a flying fuck about the Oscars then I would be pissed that Shailene wasn’t nominated for best supporting actress. Never heard of the chick before that movie and she is there doing just as good of a job next to George Clooney is doing. Couldn’t ask for too much more than that. Oh yeah, she’s in a string bikini while it is all happening. Thank you, Alexander Payne.

Photobucket

Jessica Chastain is a damn ANGEL. A gorgeous red headed and milky white skinned ANGEL. A truly beautiful and tiny pink nippled ANGEL. You can find pictures on the interwebs – just google ’em.

Photobucket

I’ve seen on a few websites saying that Melissa McCarthy was on their worst dressed celeb lists from the Oscars.

And those people can go fuck themselves or die in a house fire or something.

I don’t see any problem with what Melissa McCarthy is wearing.

I mean she could show off more boob, but that’s my suggestion for all the ladies … and men at these things. They’re all just pieces of meat for us to gawk over. They should all be naked and the event should be kept indoors in a temperature controlled climate.

Photobucket

Seriously? Was Caroline in the City nominated for something? If the Oscars provides any service for the common man it is reminding who is and isn’t dead. They have the red carpet filled with celebrities you may have thought passed long ago like James Earl Jones, but didn’t and then there is the “in memoriam” segment that assures you that some of these people you thought died did actually die and you shouldn’t expect a completely original cast intact remake of Sleepy Hollow.

Photobucket

It’s nice to see Kate Middleton showed up to put the royal family’s stamp of approval on the Oscars.

What’s that?

That’s not her?

Oh. Well, that bitch is fine anyway.

That’s the END!

Happy Monday.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Did You Watch The OSCARS?! Because Who Gives A Flying Fuck.”

  1. Smyd Richard said

    get a f’n life!!

  2. First photo is from his movie, “Remember Me”…great performance (I’m terribly biased though)…horrible ending (again, totally biased here, no apology for that!). Did not watch the Oscars but did see a little vid of some “greatest movie moments” or some such with a clip from Twilight-the prom kiss-woooo! I love this scene sooooo much, but what real life guy ever bends you over his arm for a long wet kiss Rhett Butler style? I swear I would “swoon”-then so attack him in a passionate fit of maidenly “confusion” (Victorian speak for “lust”)….mmmm

  3. Nix said

    Do you have to be nominated to get a goodie bag, or just attend? I love goodie bags and the Oscar goodie bags are like goodie bag heaven. So I hear. Obviously, I will never know for sure. Such is life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: