February 29, 2012

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Leap Day/Year/Day!

There is so much to be happy about – not March movies in particular – in this world today. What are the things that I’m happy for you ask?

1. I’m alive.

2. I’m talking to you.

3. I’m going to drink Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey tonight.

4. A new The Dark Knight Rises poster came out today, so that only reminds me that there will be in fact a greater day than today when I get to see that damn movie.

5. Taking a 4 day trip to Boston, Mass starting tomorrow, which means today is filled with great anticipation.

6. I started playing Mass Effect 2 yesterday because I never played it and Mass Effect 3 is coming out soon, so I’m playing this one before that one. The plot so far? The aliens called “the collectors” that no one has any info on and who kidnap other aliens are the bad guys – shocking. The rest of the aliens can be either good or bad, but are usually good or dead after you interact with them. Also, you are in charge of a multi-racial-alien-species ship filled to the brim with sexual tension and your personal assistant, Kelly, is one long lingering stare away from humping your face off. Lastly, you have magically powers.

Let’s get on to this list of MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!! … too much excitement … they don’t look particularly great.

21 Jump Street


I’m seeing it. They’ve been hinting at a 21 Jump Street remake since I was in college and, sadly, I was in college 6 years ago. I watched 21 Jump Street as a kid. I did. I know people claim they did stuff, but really didn’t, but I did watch that show regularly. It was ripe for parody back when it was on and it is still ripe for parody now. It seems less a parody and more just a comedy ripping off the premise. It seems more like this movie is a remake of Never Been Kissed, but instead of Drew Barrymore getting kissed by a teacher, (isn’t that what happens?) who is sort of a pedophile, there’s some drug ring at the school and Jonah and Channing need to stop it. The commercials look entertaining and I’m hoping those are not the best part. I think Channing Tatum is a terrible actor, but I have faith that he could pull this off pretty well. Channing is the new Mark Wahlberg in every-fucking-way-imaginable and this is something that Mark Wahlberg does well. Marky Mark has been in four great movies (The Other Guys, I Heard Huckabees, Boogie Nights, Three Kings… the rest have sucked) and each one has leaned towards comedy in a way where Mark is still playing serious. It doesn’t hurt that those three movies were done very well by both the director and the rest of their cast, but anyway… I think Channing could be pretty funny making fun of who he is. I’m seeing it.

Also, I think the bad guy is the kid from the Footloose remake. I am so fucking torn about seeing that movie. I, without any sarcasm, love Footloose. The movie is absolutely genius from beginning to end. I’m worried I like it too much and can’t see the remake because of that, but there are two things that are making me want to see it – 1. Julianne Hough appears to be glistening with wetness and gyrating at all times throughout this movie, and 2. the director Craig Brewer who I enjoy thoroughly as a director.

Casa De Mi Padre



At least, I think that should translate to “of fucking course”, but who knows. I’m pretty sure the Spanish I was taught in my schoolings was real Spanish and instead was some Spanish a white guy from a border town thought he heard the Mexicans speaking back in 1890. That’s what I imagine. Either way, I will see any movie featuring Will “The Thrill” Ferrell because I love him with all my heart. Secondly, it is in Spanish – ay caramba! Thirdly, Will be bookended by two of the best Spanish language actors Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal. I’m fucking psyched. I love the premise and the people in this movie. On top of that, there are a ton of hot Spanish speaking chicks in this movie, so that’s pretty cool too. If this movie isn’t good then I’ll burn my neighbor’s house down con fuego!

Jeff, Who Lives At Home


Well… I want to like it because of who is in it. Jason Segel, Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, and Judy Greer… but it doesn’t look that great. It looks like an odd mix of comedy and drama and neither is nailing it. The trailer also seems to show almost the entire movie. I don’t know what the conclusion of this movie will be, and it being an indie film means quite possibly there is no conclusion, but from the trailers it seems like you get most of it. Brothers are estranged at the beginning of the trailer, they understand each other and love each other by the end of the movie. That seems like that might be the movie in itself. Also, the movie Cyrus was funny because it was CREEP-fucking-COUNTY, it was so creepy it was bigger than a city. It’s a cast I like, but people you like can make bad stuff too. This also reeks of a movie that was made a few years ago that is just being put out now… I don’t know if that’s the case, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all to hear that. I’m going to say tread lightly on this one and not get too excited about it and if you see it it may beat out those lowered expectations. I like the cast, but the trailer is dull.

The Hunger Games


I’ll see it. I sat in a theater of screaming 13 year olds and dirty 30s taking a half day from work to watch Twilight New Moon on opening day, so I’ll see this. One thing is for sure, the crowd will not be screaming themselves crazy every scene because, honestly, who gives a flying fuck about Quesadilla? Tortilla? Chicken Caesar Wrap? Pita? Oh wait, Peeta and then his 70’s back-up soul singer rival Gale. No one gives any fuck about those two. Everyone actually seems worried more about the visuals that the director will provide, which sounds like people may be interested in this movie being good. But who knows? The movie itself from the little the trailers have shown appears to be a kiddie version of The Running Man and/or Battle Royale and/or Death Race 2000. I like those combined storylines and I know I’m walking into a movie more focused on playing sci-fi dress-up than death games action spectacular. Either way, this movie cannot honestly be worse than Twilight or Gamer and I’m hoping it is not simply a combination of the two… oh God now I’m worried. Either way, I’ll get a solid 2 hours or 90 minutes of staring at this:

Jennifer Lawrence as main character Katniss, which is possibly the dumbest name for a character this side of Peeta.

Anyway… the movie is already breaking pre-sale records, so it certainly doesn’t need my approval.

The Raid


FUCK YES! Everyone is talking about this movie being a non-stop wild, gritty, machine gun-athon in close quarters combat filled with blood and enough muzzle flashes to send you into a seizure. I’m fucking PSYCHED for this. I don’t really know what else to say besides I cannot wait to see this movie. The trailers are wild and everyone is so positive about it. I can’t wait.

The craziest thing is that Hollywood has already planned and put into motion remaking this movie. Yep. The movie hasn’t even come out yet and Hollywood is already going to remake it. This is why I hate Hollywood and hate people who defend Hollywood. Listen, I and other people would see The Raid if the thing was advertised, released and pushed like a regular movie, but it won’t be. They’ll bury it and the only people who will know about it will be the people who actually read about movies all the live long day and then a year or so from now Hollywood will push out its shitty remake of this with Channing Tatum and people will see that because there will be commercials, posters, TV commercials and so on, but it will suck and then Hollywood will be like – “See, that movie The Raid was anything special. Our remake did shit numbers!”

They should push this movie and have people this movie because it is the fucking movie and it is coming out next month.



It total transparency… I’ve seen it… already.

Yep. It’s available online to download – just as Friends with Kids from yesterday’s post is as well – and I was really excited about seeing this movie, so I downloaded it and watched it and enjoyed it. Goon is good. It’s in some ways an homage to Slap Shot, which is an excellent movie, but is less focused on sex/gay jokes and more focused on the hockey fights. Sean William Scott plays a guy who is good at fighting who gets picked up by a local hockey team to be their “goon” who fights the guy that needs to be fought. Eventually, he gets picked up by an even bigger team and does the same over there. That league’s resident “goon” is played by Liev Schrieber and the two will inevitably have a showdown. In the mix is writer and actor Jay Baruchel who plays Scott’s best foul mouthed/motor mouthed friend. Also, Alison Pill plays Scott’s love interest. The movie is light and fun entertainment. It’s a quick movie with some action, some funny dialogue, and, obviously, if you’re a hockey fan/sports fan there is a lot for you to like in here as well.

My complaints as far as the film goes:

1. More Jay Baruchel. He’s got all the best lines in the movie and he should have had even more.

2. The relationship between Scott and the best player on his team should have had more screen time. The best player on the team is a head case after being wrecked by Liev before the movie starts. Him and Scott eventually become friendly, but there were some missed opportunities between the two I thought. Also, Baruchel could’ve been funny in that. I really wanted a scene where Baruchel and Scott rekindle this guy’s love for hockey.

3. Alison Pill naked and/or like almost naked. I don’t know if that was an option per say, but if we’re talking about hopes for any R rated movie then it is the hot love interest to get naked. Why not? Plus, Baruchel and Pill got engaged last year – well done, Baruchel, well fucking done, sir – and this is his first feature length movie that he’s written that will be on the big screen, so why not help your fiancee out and show the world some boob or butt to get some buzz going about the movie.

Either way, I enjoyed it. Good flick.

Mirror Mirror


Your eyes are not deceiving you – that is in another language other than the one I’m typing in. But this is the poster I wanted in particular because holy fucking eyebrows. I don’t know what is going on in director Tarsem Singh’s mind (my guess – torture porn), but he wanted Lily Collins with darkest and most pronounced eyebrows since Madonna’s early work in Who’s That Girl (great movie). In some pictures I’ve seen from this movie, it appears that Lily almost has a unibrow. Either way… don’t see this movie. It looks fucking unwatchable. Nothing against the attractiveness of Lily Collins, but this movie looks fucking horrible. I’m pretty sure they started principal photography on this movie a week ago and now it is already in theaters. Any rush jobs on movies are horrible and then a rush job on Snow White and a rush job on a kiddy version of Snow White done by a director best known for making torture porn with a rickety plot. This cannot be good.

Wrath of the Titans


I saw the Clash of the Titans remake and it sucked. Will I see Wrath of the Titans? Maybe. I get bored and I’m drunk a lot. The Clash of the Titans remake was destined to fail because it was both not enough like the original and too much like the original for it to be any good. The original is only good because of how bad it is. That’s the problem with these remakes is people don’t get that people like them because they’re bad and you can’t go and make a bad movie and make people like it. The original Clash of the Titans is beloved because it’s terrible, but they thought and tried to make an excellent epic movie. The movie makes absolutely no sense, has horrible special effects, and there is no clashing of any titans in the movie. So, you can’t “remake” that original brilliance and at the same time try to make it a new “gritty” action movie with a short haired Beowulf type.

As for Wrath of the Titans, there is the possibility it will be better because it’s not hindered by trying to be something it will never be. At the same time, it is too much like something else and will never be that either – God of War. The famous videogame series God of War has an eerily similar storyline where the guy actually goes and fights to the death with Gods and titans alike. The great thing about God of War is too fold – VIOLENCE and SEX. The game is over flowing with both and makes no apologies and only pushes the ridiculousness with each additional minute you play. A lot of people have been saying this movie looks like what a God of War movie would be if Hollywood didn’t fuck up and not make a God of War movie, but the big problem is that this isn’t God of War -it’s just some thing that kind looks like it. A God of War movie wouldn’t be fronted by a completely forgettable character like Sam Worthington’s Perseus. God of War is lead by the blood thirsty Kratos who wields two enormous knives attached to chains that are attached to him. The great part about God of War is that Kratos doesn’t trust anyone and in the end will simply attack anyone God/human/titan and keep attacking them until he has murdered them with his fists. Also, he ends up fucking a bunch of naked chicks all the time. The sheer unapologetic craziness of God of War will not be in Wrath of the Titans. If anything Wrath will be a neutered, much neutered, version of God of War, which will just piss me off.

Like I said, I get bored and I see things. I bet it’s not nearly as “good” as Tarsem Singh’s Immortals, which is now available to rent. I’ll tell you one thing about Immortals – memorable.

That’s it for March.


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